Faith and Illusions
by Vicki Firth
Copyright 1995


"And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."
1 Corinthians 13:2



The house was quiet. Still. No children laughing or yelling, no vid screens chattering. No soft but audible chirps and bleeps from one working away at a computer pad. It was odd.

He crossed the short space from the door to the front of the house. Funny, though this was one of the larger houses around, it was not much bigger than the units he'd inhabited back on the stations. Still, even having a house, having a colony called New Pacifica, was a miracle. As was the woman who stood at the window.

The light of the setting sun did not reach into the room, yet it still cast its glow upon the pane of glass she stood before. It cast an aura around her. In a simple white dress with her dark hair cascading down her back she looked ethereal, like a vision, like she could suddenly float away to the skies.

John's breath caught in his throat for a moment, as it always did when he saw her again after they had been apart. Even though it had only been a matter of hours.

She turned her head and bestowed a smile upon him. He walked over to her and slipped his arms around her from behind. She leaned against him.

"How was your day?"

"Pretty good. We've started construction of the houses for the newest colonists. Expect to have them up before the cool weather sets in."

"Four hundred new families!" Devon smiled softly. "I can hardly believe it. It was worth all the hardships we went through."

"It was. How was your day?"

"Julia was by."

"And...?"

"Any day now, she says."

John lowered his hands to her swollen belly. Any day now and she'd give birth to a baby. Their baby. His heart filled with pride, and with love.

"Brody's doin' okay?"

"Broderick Adair Danziger is doing just fine. Don't worry John, women had babies without the help of natal beds for a long time." She covered his hands with her own.

"Speaking of children, where are True and Uly?"

"They went home with Julia to visit the twins. They're staying there for dinner. We're all alone." She turned in his arms and raised her eyebrows at him.

He smiled. "As beautiful as I think you are pregnant, part of me can't wait until I can feel all of your body against mine again."

She reached up to his face and softly caressed the scar that ran along his cheek. "Julia said that the new colony ship brought some surgical equipment that could take away your scar. You know she still feels badly that she couldn't prevent it from scaring in the first place."

"Take away my scar? Devon, I got this scar the day we figured out how to get you out of the cold-sleep chamber of Bennett and Elizabeth's ship. Nobody's getting rid of it."

"Good. I sort of like it, too." She reached up and planted a kiss in the centre of the scar, then shifted around so that she could put her arms around him without her belly getting in the way.

Together, in each other's arms they watched out the window as down the hill, across the settlement of houses and public buildings and beyond the ocean, the sun went down on New Pacifica.

It was dark. Too dark. John was alone. In one moment he had been holding Devon in his arms, then she was gone. His heart began to pound.

"Devon? Devon!" He cried out her name. Dear God, he'd lost her. He'd lost her again.

Before his eyes he suddenly saw a wavering light. It flickered and grew and began to coalesce into a form. John blinked rapidly as the form became a man. A tall man, with long hair shot through with grey and a patch over one eye.

"You're dead," John said bluntly to the image.

"The part of me you knew, John Danziger, is indeed dead. But my spirit is very much alive. I live with the planet now, and for a time, in your conscience. Can you live with your conscience, John Danziger?"

John closed his eyes and shook his head but when he looked once more Sheppard, or his ghost, or whatever, still stood before him. What the hell was going on? He wanted out of here, he wanted to go back to his house, back to Devon.

"What do you want?" he asked the image.

The figure began walking toward him, a hand outstretched.

"You told me you'd take care of her. You told me you'd make sure she was safe. You left her!"

John lifted his hands in front of him, as if to ward off Sheppard's approach.

"Now wait a minute," he said. "She told me if anything happened, if anything happened to her, to keep going. To get the group to New Pacifica. It's what she wanted. She made me promise!"

Still the figure of Sheppard advanced on him. "Take care of her! Keep her safe!" it repeated.

John backed up as it approached and suddenly he was falling. He felt his body bouncing off rock and stones until he rolled to a stop. He slowly sat up and gazed at his surroundings. There was a coolness to the air and although the light was dim it was no longer the pitch black darkness he had previously been engulfed in. Something about the place looked familiar. He was underground, in a cave.

Then he saw another face he'd seen before, but this one was benign and could be called friend.

"Elder," he said, rising.

The Elder smiled at him. "John, things aren't too well, are they?"

"What in the hell is going on? I just saw Sheppard's ghost! Where's Devon? Tell me!" John sensed a rising hysteria that he fought to keep contained.

"You know where Devon is, John."

"She was at the house, in New Pacifica. I want to go back there."

"No, she's not there. She was ill, John, remember?"

"She's not ill! She's in New Pacifica and she's going to have our baby!"

"No, John. Remember. You know."

Despite himself he began to see other images enter his mind. He saw himself walking around the corner of a tent and discovering Devon collapsed on the ground. He saw them putting her in the cold-sleep chamber. He saw himself alone, without her.

"Oh no," he moaned and sank to the ground. "Noooo!"

He looked up at the Elder beseechingly. "What can I do?"

"Have faith, John. Believe in yourself and believe in your dreams, whatever form they take. Have faith, John."

Have faith, John. It echoed over and over again in his mind, to be joined by the other voices. John felt himself laying back and drifting slowly downwards. To where?

Have faith, John...Promise me, John...Promise me if anything happens...You left her...Believe in your dreams...Promise me...Take care of her...Have faith...Make sure she's safe...If anything happens...Promise me...Have faith...

Have faith, John.

Oh God, where was she? Devon? Devon! DEVON!!!

"Daddy! Daddy wake up!"

John's eyes shot open. He was on his bunk, in his tent, and his daughter stood over him with an exceedingly worried look on her face.

"Daddy, are you okay?"

No. He wasn't. The cold reality of wakefulness hit him like a fist in the jaw. They had left Devon behind, in cold-sleep, and yet another day of pretending he was alright without her had come to greet him.

He shoved his inner emotions aside and reached out to pat True on the shoulder. "I'm fine, baby. Sorry if I woke you up."

"It's okay," she said, frowning at him still. "You were dreaming about her again."

"I was? I don't remember."

True eyed him dubiously, so John forced a big smile for her. "C'mon, True girl, let's get the rest of this lazy group up and at 'em so we can get on the road." He turned her and prodded her toward the door flap of the tent.

She glanced back at him, some concern still etched in her features, but nodded and went outside.

When she had disappeared John's face fell to his hands. "Oh God," he thought. He dragged his fingers through his hair. He had dreamed of her before, but not like this. With the other dreams the images had faded as the dawn had greeted him. But this dream was not diminishing to the far reaches of his mind. He remembered it, in detail, as though the scenes were replaying themselves again and again.

He had heard the voices all day as the group made their move westward. He was driving them hard. But he needed to keep up the gruelling pace as it left little room for his thoughts of her, and his emotions, to play upon him during the day. The exhaustion allowed him to sink easier into sleep as the stillness of the nights came upon them and his mind had naught else to do but remind him of her absence from the group.

This day she had followed him, along with the other two. Haunting every mile they gained on their trek.

Promise me, John...

I did promise you, and so we are moving. For you.

You left her...

I didn't want to! I almost couldn't. But the way she had looked at me, beseeching me to continue on...if anything happened to her.

Have faith, John.

Faith. Faith in what?

They had stopped for the night and had set up camp. Julia, as always, was in her med tent looking for answers. Looking for a way to bring her back.

John, assisted by Alonzo, was fixing some unstable rigging on the Transrover. They had cut off a piece of the metal support which needed to be replaced when they heard a cry.

Julia was yelling John's name at the top of her lungs and racing across the campsite toward them.

Their backs to her, John and Alonzo both swung around in surprise. Alonzo was still holding the metal rigging pole and its jagged edge caught John across the face.

He felt a searing pain and placed a hand on his cheek. It came away sticky with blood.

"Hey, Danziger, I'm sorry man," Alonzo said.

"Don't worry about it, not your fault."

Julia had her diaglove all over him in a second. She stopped the flow of blood and then pulled back from the wound. She examined it, then bit her lower lip.

"John, I'm really sorry but I think it's going to scar. I don't have any epidermal growth stim left. I'm so sorry."

John grabbed her by the shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. "What did you say?"

She looked a bit startled. "John, I'm sorry! If I could prevent it from scaring you know I would. I just don't..."

"Julia!" John interrupted sharply. "What were you coming over here in such a hurry for?"

"What...? Oh!" Julia's expression changed and her eyes lit up. "Oh! John! I think I may have figured out what's wrong with Devon. If I'm right, and I know what's wrong, then I also know how to fix it."

John put his hand to his cheek, touching his wound. He looked at Julia and Alonzo. "Go and round everyone up. I have an announcement to make."

They looked at him, puzzled, but nodded and began gathering the group together.

After everyone had been called, John stood beside Julia and Alonzo and waited for the latecomers to assemble. True and Uly sat at their feet, arguing about a VR program.

John leaned down and placed a hand on each child's shoulder. "Play nice with your VR, or you won't have any VR to play with at all," he commanded.

The squabbling stopped.

Alonzo looked at him with admiration. "I think I'd like to have a kid someday, but there's no way I'd ever be able to deal with two at once."

John laughed and pointed a finger at Alonzo. "Twins," he said. He swung himself up onto the Transrover, still chuckling.

"Do you know what he's talking about?" Alonzo asked Julia.

"I have no idea," she replied.

"Alright folks. Listen up," John said to the group. "Tomorrow we're heading back to the starship."

Immediately following that proclamation a murmur of voices was heard. Going back? Back to the ship? Why?

Above the rest, Morgan Martin was audible. "What do you mean, going back?"

"Julia thinks she's found a way to revive Devon. We're going back for her."

A sense of jubilation, mixed with wonder, erupted from most of the group. Some made no pretence of hiding their delight. Walman and Cameron exchanged a high five. Magus grabbed Bess and spun the two of them in circles.

Morgan said, "What do you mean, Julia *thinks* she knows how to revive Devon? You mean she doesn't know for sure? We've been on the road for a week and now you want us to go all the way back because our doctor has a hunch?"

"Yeah, Danziger. We can't waste all that time travelling back on a suspicion. How do you know Julia's right?" Baines added.

John smiled benevolently at the group. All he said was, "Have faith, people."

Faith in love.



-The End-