Dammit, Adair, I'm goin' crazy, and it's all your fault.

This letter's a last grasp for my sanity, here. The responsibilities you had, the weight you carried so gracefully, they're suffocating me. Before the colony ship landed, it wasn't hard, I could do it, I could take your responsibilities on and hold onto the hope that we'd find a way to cure you. There's no hope for that anymore. Julia stopped looking for a cure a year ago. Uly still misses you, but he's living his life, he's moved on.

Everyone's moved on, so why can't I? You don't know, Devon, I still close my eyes and see your face. I still remember us traveling to New Pacifica and jokin' around together like it was yesterday. Instead of fading, my memory of you grows stronger with each passing day.

As does my love for you. I'm a boneheaded *idiot* for not realizing it before. I love you, Devon. You could infuriate me like no one else ever could!!! ... But you also got that look in your eyes, the one that kept me going, because I knew someone cared and understood when we were goin' through hard times. You always seemed to know when I was feelin' down.

Devon, I see you so clearly, in my mind's eye, in my dreams, but I can't touch you, can't hear your laugh... And it's killin' me, Devon, it's tearing me apart. I don't know if I can stand this much longer. I need you hear with me, Adair, you're my balance, my other half. Ever since we locked you away, I haven't been the same, everyone can tell. I locked my heart and soul away with you, Devon, and I don't think I'm ever gonna get them, or you, back.

I can't bring myself to go on without you anymore, Devon, but I know I have to. There are so many people depending on me, and I'll be damned if I let them down. I'll take care of your son, I'll make sure this colony survives, I swear to you I will, Devon. But I need to forget, Devon, I need to forget you. Fate's kicked me in the teeth before, you'd think it be easier to deal with now, but it's not. It's so much harder. I just hope this letter which your eyes will never see will set me free from your memory. Goodbye, Devon. I will always love you, but I can't live without you.

My love always,
John