Ananda by Maggie C, Lilly321

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Ananda (5/5)
by Elizabeth Jones
and Maggie C.

::peeks out of hiding:: Um... Becky, you were right, that wasn't how it ended... *S*

(Ellie waits for the angry Edenites to put down their blunt objects before giving the next line)

And then, Shepherd woke up.

What with traveling with the Eden Advance and their ordered schedule of sleeping and waking, naturally Shepherd was a bit out of it. After all, in the caves of the Community it was a constant state of twilight. Slowly, very slowly, he had adjusted to the Advance's cycles of day and night. Last night had been the first night he had actually gone to sleep at a decent hour, and not woken up till the next morning.

He blinked against the light hazing in through the frosted glass of the biodome windows. At least he assumed it was morning, though he didn't hear any sounds of activity from the common area.

Then he remembered. Danziger lost. Devon very foolishly ignoring his and . . . his and . . . Shepherd frowned. What was that man's name again. Oh yes, Walman. Devon ignoring his and Walman's advice to stay off the scout. Berman and Hapsburg, and their little premeditated *accident* on the way to the caves. Danziger brought back to camp seriously injured and not expected to live through the night. Shepherd himself had finally gone to bed after sitting up for hours with Devon, trying to be supportive as she awaited news on Danziger's fate.

Then when he finally slept he dreamt a sweet dream. Shepherd shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs away. Images from his dream and images from reality were getting all confused is his memory. Rolling over onto his side, he decided to let the dream hold sway for just a bit longer. It had been such a pleasant dream after all. In it, everything he had ever really wanted was his: a wandering life, a beautiful, intelligent, woman who loved him.

No matter. There was still plenty of time for each of those things, and still plenty of opportunities. As for now, he would go and check on Devon.

He sat up slowly, fighting a head rush, reluctantly leaving the comfort of his bed. It was still a shock when his feet met cold metal instead of dirt. ///Enjoy it while it lasts my friend; was not Devon thinking we should be on the move very soon?///

Then again things might be thrown all out of kilter if John Danziger died.

Shepherd winced; that had come out sounding very cold indeed. He did not wish death on the man, not at all. In any case, it was crude to view the man's potential demise as nothing more than an annoyance.

Devon's "room" was empty, and her bed looked like it had not been slept in all night. Shepherd frowned; should take better care of herself, he would speak with her about it later on.

She wasn't in the common area either, though every other Advancer seemed to be. From the looks of them all it seemed only Shepherd had gotten any sleep last night. Each and every one of them looked about ready to drop. The weasel's wife -///Bess//, he reminded himself - was the only one up and about, she was pouring glass after glass of what the Eden Advance deigned to call coffee.

///No,/// he noted, looking around again ///Devon is not here with the others...nor is True...neither is the doctor./// Given these absences and the air of mourning that hung over the assembled group, Shepherd had good cause to wonder what had transpired while he slept.

He was about to go over and ask Yale just what was going on, when the door to the common area swung wide open. Behind the open door was Julia, flanked on one side by True. Heller looked exhausted but triumphant; True was rubbing at eyes that were suspiciously red. At the sight of the twosome conversation picked up, rose to a crescendo as the others shushed the talkers, then all the voices died down.

When Julia spoke, it was as tired as Shepherd ever heard a human being sound, but she also sounded on the edge of tears. Tears of joy and success that is.

"It was a rough night, but I can now safely say that, given time, John will be just fine." Julia smiled broadly at the end of this pronouncement.

Pandemonium broke out as the Advance reacted to the good news their doctor had brought them. Baines and Walman gave each other a high five, going on about how they knew the man was just too stubborn to die. The normally recalcitrant Cameron swept Magus up in a bear hug and twirled her around. Bess folded her hands and sent up a silent prayer of thanks, then turned and embraced her husband. Uly said something to that actually made True laugh. Yale just watched over them all, though he was smiling as well.

But though Shepherd noticed all of them, he didn't really see them at all. The world had narrowed down; all that was left was one burning question: where was Devon?

He had a sickening feeling swimming in his stomach. ///Do I want to know?///

Another voice, one he usually told immediately to please be quiet, chimed in. ///I think you already know.///

Pushing his way through the still rejoicing crowd, he made his way out of the common area. He headed off to the area deemed the infirmary.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How do you feel?"

Danziger groaned in reply. "Was it really necessary to drive 'Rail my so hard on the return trip?" he managed to rasp out.

Devon nearly fell off her precarious perch on the edge of his bed. He had almost died and all he wanted to know was why she was such a bad driver? "Danziger..." she sputtered.

If it didn't hurt so bad would have liked to roll his eyes at her. "It was a joke, Devon, remember those?"

"A joke?" Devon exclaimed. "Danziger, you True, Julia, and I were up all night with you, wondering if you'd even be alive this morning. The rest of camp was waiting in the biodome. No one got any sleep last night," //Except Shepherd, // a voice at the back of Devon's head piped in. "And do you know why?" Devon glared down at John, trying to disguise the worry in her eyes. "It was because you decided to almost get yourself killed, *again*."

"It wasn't^Å" John started to protest, but then he stopped when he saw the look in Devon's eyes. "I'm sorry, Dev," he said quietly.

He noticed that Devon flinched a bit at his applying her diminutive. ///But it doesn't matter does it? You've chickened out again haven't you? All those nice words you had all thought out last night, and now you're not going to say a word./// No he wasn't and she was already retreating, he could see it.

"I'm sorry too," she said, looking away from him, "you should be resting. If Julia came in here and saw me screaming at you^Å"

"She'd join you," he said with a smile, trying to put Devon at ease again.

It almost worked. Devon smiled a little at this, but she was still retreating from him. She got to her feet and said, "I'd better be going."

"Dev, wait," John said, reaching for her hand and wincing at the pain it caused him. "Don't go."

She just stood there for a moment, torn between fleeing the room and staying with John. Finally she decided, and she slowly sat back down on the edge of his bed. He took Devon's hand, now in easy reach, and began talking. "The other night, when those goons had me, I realized something." John felt like taking a deep breath, but he had learned the hard way that his newly healed lungs didn't like that much. As he poured his heart out, Devon looked like she was ready to bolt at any second, but John held tight to her hand. He told her about all of the feelings that he had just realized existed in his heart. When he finished, Devon was silent, almost in shock. It killed John to say the next part, hurt worse than all of his injuries combined, but he went on anyway. "Devon, I know this is all sorta^Å unexpected, and^Å" John swallowed and looked at their joined hands. "I want you to know, if you tell me that you love Shepherd, then we^Å we can just forget this, I won't do anything, I won't bring it up ever again."

Just outside, Shepherd slumped against the wall, surprised at what he had heard, and yet, not surprised at all. For a split second, Shepherd wished Danziger had died during the night. It was a heartless thought, and Shepherd was ashamed for thinking it, but he was terrified of losing Devon. And Shepherd knew that they were already growing apart. He waited for Devon to speak and decide his fate.

"I need to know how you feel, Dev." Danziger's voice, again.

Devon finally broke her silence. "I^Å God, John, this^Å I have to^Å"

Shepherd heard footsteps coming toward the door, but it was too late to move away. Devon rushed out and saw him standing there. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Devon rushed off without saying a word.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Elder barely had time to recover himself, nevermind time to say anything to the fleeing Devon Adair. All he could do was stare after her. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow shift. A shadow that looked like a man. Instinctively the Elder knew who it was. Shepherd, who had heard every word exchanged. He was probably miserable about right now.

The Elder looked in on John Danziger. The mechanic was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. The words he was shouting to the Heavens were less than devout.

Then there was the cause of it all, Devon Adair, who was probably half way across the continent by now, judging by the speed she'd taken that last corner with.

The Elder sighed; what a tangled web...

He walked over to Danziger, who was still tempting fate with less than complimentary terms.

"They must have taught you recruits something new," the Elder broke into the stream of obscenities, tone so dry it could cut paper, "because I was in the service for fifteen years and never have I heard such language."

"Yeah that and other things," the battered mechanic managed to rasp. "What are you doing here?"

The Elder set down the tray, on a table across from Danziger's make shift bed. "Some of the men from the Community assisted in rescuing of you and Devon. Myself included. A handful of us followed your group back to camp."

The chief mechanic for the Eden Advance winced, eyes adjusting to the light streaming in from the door that had been left open. "That for me?" blue eyes flickered over to the abandoned dinner tray.

The Elder nodded in the affirmative. "Do you want it?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

It was no great shock when Danziger refused the food. "Well," the Elder joked, a purpose in mind, "I had to at least offer, or live in fear of Bess. In my short time with your group I have learned that she is one woman you don't argue with when it comes to certain things." //Time to get to it// "Only one worse is Devon Adair."

As if it were the most off hand casual question in the world, the Elder added, "Do women always run out on you that way, or just Devon?"

Tone showing much more than words could ever convey, Danziger admitted, "No, just Devon."

Deciding to let that sink in for a minute or two, the Elder watched the other man struggle with the implications of the otherwise simple statement. When he could wait no longer, he had to say, "You told her." The words came out more as a statement than question.

Danziger winced again, except this time it wasn't from pain. "Yeah," he reached back a hand to his shoulder, rubbing at his sore muscles.

"And you meant it?"

"I wouldn't have said it those things if I didn't mean them!"

"Still," the Elder persisted, "you told her how you felt."

Tone. Tone told everything, colored in the true meanings of the words. "Yeah I told her. Look what it got me. Geez, I'm overwhelmed." At the moment Danziger's tone was suited to the blackest of black humor.

The Elder blew out air between his teeth, trying not to become exasperated. Little did either Devon or Danziger know the matter was already out of their hands. Someday he'd have to tell them both *all* that he had seen in their dreams of each other. Feeling it was time to step things up, he pressed "Anything else you care to add?"

Shooting his interrogator a look of annoyance, John Danziger must have realized there was no way of getting out of this with out some sort of admission. So he finally told the man what he wanted to hear.

"Yes. I am in love with Devon Adair."

No sooner had the words left Danziger's mouth then there was a huge crash! from somewhere outside.

"What the he..." Danziger barely got out the words and started to get out of bed before the Elder cut him off.

"Probably just someone knocking something over," the Elder postulated glibly, shoving him back down onto the bed. "I'll go and look. Stay and rest."

At the door, the Elder paused then turned back. "Something I forgot, John."

"Do I really want to know?" Danziger mused to himself. With a painful looking shrug of his shoulders, he decided "Sure, why not. What did you forget?"

With his best 'got you!' smile, the Elder proclaimed, "I told you so." With that he ducked out the door. Another stream of muffled curses followed him out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

///My but that hurts./// Gingerly, Shepherd clinched and unclenched his fist, getting only flashes of pain for his troubles. That crate had weighed more than it looked. Still the crash had been quite satisfying.

"Damn you John Danziger," he muttered, noticing now that the cut was bleeding quite freely, "you are making my life exceedingly... difficult." Whether he meant the wounded hand or the whole burgeoning mess with Devon, not even Shepherd was sure. With his uninjured hand he tore a strip from the hem of his already ragged overshirt, and then began to wrap the makeshift bandage around his other hand.

The door to the room slammed shut; Shepherd looked up hopefully. Was Danziger coming out to investigate the little outburst? ///I certainly hope so. I could use a private talk with that man.///

To his disappointment, only the Elder emerged from the doorway. Making sure the door was tightly shut behind him, he leaned against it. He looked around and then shook his head.

Shepherd gave a mental shrug and went back to tending his wound. Until he heard what the Elder had to say next.

"You may as well show yourself."

Shepherd started; the Elder knew he was here? Did he know how long he'd been right in that spot? With an expression common to all eavesdroppers who get caught, Shepherd emerged from his hiding place.

Never one to waste words, the Elder went headlong into the conversation. "You heard it all then?"

Just as headstrong by nature, Shepherd nodded curtly. "I did."

The Elder looked to Shepherd then to the broken pieces of the crate that laid scattered on the ground, then looked back to Shepherd. "I take it you didn't like what you heard."

"No." Understatement of the century. "No I did not."

The Elder was about to say something else, when Walman came strolling by. Nodding cordially, faces neutral, both men waited until he had turned the corner. When he was sure that they were once again alone, the Elder ushered Shepherd over to a near by bench. Sitting down, the Elder continued

"I wish I knew what to tell you, friend. The sad fact is, every word you heard, whether it be from Devon, from Danziger, or from myself, was the honest truth."

///I don't believe it!!// "Ummmmmphhh...." Shepherd's supposed disinterest was a distraction ploy he wasn't surprised the Elder saw right through.

"You know as well as I do there is no place for you in Devon's active life."

>From a place deep in Shepherd, the old rage stirred, began to simmer. Long practice in keeping it sublimated was the only thing that kept him in control.

"I never expected there to be a ready made place for me in Devon's life," he explained smoothly. "Even after what we experienced. There was too much time, too much distance between us for those memories to sustain to an emotional relationship. But once, once she loved me."

"Once, "it seemed the Elder was deliberately baiting him, "but no longer."

Shepherd bristled at the Elder's words. "She still cares for me."

"Ah," the Elder replied, "but she no longer loves you,"

No use to struggle against it any more; the rage boiled over and Shepherd let it have its way. "And who does she love? John Danziger? What has he done for her? Nothing! No! When she found out that Uly had the Syndrome? No! When all her friends abandoned her? No! He was not!"

"Neither were you," the Elder pointed out quietly.

"I was!" he hissed. "In spirit. Which was the best that either of us could do at the time!"

The Elder argued for John Danziger. "He would have if he could have. Circumstances, all circumstances."

Shepherd whirled, turning his back on the Elder, lest he say something he regret. When he next spoke his voice was strained. "Why, why must you persist in playing my devil's advocate?"

"Because," the Elder answered calmly, "it's worked so well for the past 30 years or so."

Acknowledging that simple fact, Shepherd conceded, "And if I know you you're not through yet."

"You know me well." The Elder shifted on the bench in order to get more comfortable. At one point she loved you, but no longer. We both know that. As I see it you have two choices."

Shepherd didn't like the tone of the words but knew he had no choice but to listen. "Those choices are."

The Elder must have decided to start with the worst possibility, because his words made Shepherd's blood run cold.

"Leave," he said with a terrible amount of certainty. "Return with the others and I to the Community. We need you; I am no use as a leader on my own."

"And the other alternative?" asked Shepherd grimly. "Devon Adair," the Elder began, leaving Shepherd wondering where this topic was going, "is a good woman, loyal to a fault."

"Don't you think *I* know that?"

"I know you do," the Elder assured his friend, "which should make you more sensitive to her situation."

"Situation?"

"If you stayed then she would feel bound to stay with you."

Shepherd turned back around to face the Elder, a hurt look on his face. "Ridiculous. Devon is a modern independent woman. If she wanted to leave me then she would."

"No, no she wouldn't. You two are so bound up together that she feels confused; she thinks she still loves you." The Elder held up a hand to forestall Shepherd's protests to the contrary. "No let me finish. You have seen both the dreams of Devon and Danziger; you know that they are meant for each other."

"Yes, but," Shepherd grumbled.

"They are meant for each other," the Elder continued "but she would still be with you. She just wouldn't be happy. You want her to be happy."

"I would give my life to make her happy" Shepherd answered honestly.

"Then give her freedom."

"Freedom," Shepherd echoed softly, placing his head in his hands. He felt the vibrations of the Elder's footsteps, pacing up to him then he sensed his presence before him.

"I leave you to your decision," he barely heard the Elder say, and then he was lost in his own indecision.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Devon Adair had never run from a possible fight... before now. But when faced with John Danziger's true feelings, she took the easy way out.

She ran out on him.

She ran until her legs gave out. Unfortunately for Devon, her adrenaline carried her a fair ways from camp, then it ran out before she was able to stop. She went crashing into a snowbank, and nearly knocked herself unconscious. The end result was Devon, stranded at least a mile from camp, on her own, with no gear.

///Oh great. On my own, possibly injured, no gear. Danziger's gonna love this./// The irony of it all made her burst out laughing, despite her situation.

///It's all his fault anyway!/// came a voice that Devon had been hearing a lot of lately. She had learned that it was pointless to ignore her "other self"; it would just get louder and more obnoxious if denied.

Devon sat up, brushed the snow off her clothes and out of her hair, reconciled to having to having another two-sided conversation with herself. ///Partly my fault too. I don't know why he made me so angry, so afraid.///

///He was making you feel threatened.///

///What?!///

///Danziger was making you feel threatened///

For some insane reason, Devon felt irritated by this observation. ///That man does _not_ make me feel at all threatened.///

///Yes, he does.///

///Fine/// Devon acceded, really too tired to argue with herself. //He does. Why?///

///Think back to our childhood. Your parents, you loved them -they took what they wanted from you, and ignored the rest of you. You loved Michael, and he took what he wanted from you and _he hurt you_. All your life you've been starved for love. At the same time, you wanted to control, you wanted to be the taker. That's what makes you think you are in love with Shepherd.///

Her other self hit a nerve, and it stung. ///I do love Shepherd.///

///No you don't. There is no give and take to that relationship; you are both takers. You have never known true, unselfish love. You have never been in love with a giver; the idea terrifies and attracts you at the same time. Someone who could care for you as much as you care for them. Someone who loves you for you. Most importantly, someone who has just as much at stake as you do. John Danziger is a giver and that's why he threatens you. Why you had to run away just now.///

///You're crazy!/// Devon screamed, anything to keep away the hard truth she'd been
avoiding for so long.

Her other self's laughter rippled fluid around her ///Maybe I am crazy. I am a part of you, after all.///

Devon was unable to think of a rejoinder for that, and still too stunned to care. The troublesome voice receded and was alone.

She had no idea how long she sat there, before she noticed the light. Once, twice, three times blinking against the sudden brightness of the landscape. Craning her neck back to look up at the sky, Devon could see that the sun was hidden behind a cloud. Where was the light coming from? The sensation that the air was alive somehow, constantly sweeping past, over, under, and through her? Like a caress. It was a familiar touch, she was sure she'd felt it before. The sensation set off something in her memory. Before she was even aware of it, she was calling out his name.

"Shepherd!"

The mental buzz was back, only this time it used a different voice. ///Yes, it's me Devon.///

///The Dreamplane. We're dreaming together again.///

///Yes///

///That would mean...///

///When you fell, you struck your head. You're dreaming now, while the snow covers your body from view.///

Devon experienced a vague feeling of panic; like watching someone else face their own tragic death ///I'm going to freeze to death, aren't I?///

///NO!!! No you're not. You're going to get up and return to camp.///

///I've tried. I can't wake up.///

///Please, Devon. Follow your head and your heart.///

///That doesn't make any sense!///

///That doesn't matter so much now. Trust yourself, and you'll find your way out.///

The Project Leader scanned the snowy world slowly closing in on her. There! A sheet of white, brighter than anything else around her. ///Follow your head./// Something told that this was her way out. She approached the shimmering portal slowly, stopping just short of going through it. Hesitantly, she reached out her hands. And stared in amazement as they passed right through. Tingling, not unpleasant, shot through her hands, up her arms, and diffused all over her body.

///This is it, isn't it?///

///Yes. One last burden, love. Do you forgive me?///

The question came suddenly out of nowhere. Startled, Devon drew back from the portal.

///For what?///

///For leaving you.///

Then, she realized it. If Shepherd was here in her dreams , then he must have returned to the Community. There were no Terrians to be found elsewhere this time of year.

///Why?/// She knew there would be no attempt at pretense, no sugar coating the truth. He had never lied to her before.

///Devon. I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone else. But it could never work. We have our separate lives, our separate responsibilities. I have the Community and you have an entire Colony depending on you! Asking either of us to give that up is just selfish. And would always be all or nothing with us. That's just the way we both are.///

Devon had to acknowledge those facts as true. That didn't mean that she had to like them. Or that she wasn't going to fight every last step of the way his attempt to leave her. ///What if I still need you?///

///You don't need me, Devon. Not any more. So many other possibilities are open to you now. Take them. Follow your heart. Go now. Time is growing short. //

///Wait! Shepherd!///

///Good-bye./// And with that Devon left the Dreamplane, against her will.

She awoke, lying half-frozen in the snow. Every muscle screaming its complaint. The only warmth came from the tears streaming down her face.

Thoughts and miles away, a heartbroken man was stepping away from a Terrian. "It's finished," he proclaimed in no louder than a whisper.

The Elder nodded, "You did the right thing."

"The right thing," Shepherd echoed. "Then why do I feel so wrong?"

The *real* End.
(With epilogue and endnotes to follow!)

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