"Trust in Love" (sequel to "A Matter of Trust"), Part 1
by Joan Powers
It was the day after the Terrians had taken Uly. A hush had fallen over the camp that morning as the Eden Advance crew anxiously awaited the rising of their leader, Devon Adair. Many had lingered about the Main Dome, drinking coffee and attempting to make small talk while furtively sneaking glances towards the entrance of the room. Other than Yale and Danziger, none of the others had spoken with Devon since it had happened. They were concerned that Devon would be angry or disappointed with them. Or worse, that she would be despondent over her absent son. Morgan was faring better than he had the day before, still his coffee cup trembled as he raised it to his lips. Julia considered checking on Devon herself, with the justification of examining her health, but the doctor realized that her patient needed rest. The poor woman was physically and emotionally exhausted. It had scared her to see the seemly indomitable Devon Adair in that state. An event like this could damage her psychologically. Julia shuddered to consider that option in any detail. Human emotions were not her area of expertise. But she was learning, she thought as she smiled, gazing across the room to meet Alonzo's welcoming eyes. Last night as she lay with her body intertwined with Alonzo's, they had reviewed the events of that day and come to the conclusion that the group could not have done anything differently. Evidently Devon had felt the same way, since she allowed Uly to accompany the Terrians. Yet, how was she dealing with the absence (though only temporary) of her beloved son?
Danziger entered the Main Dome with True following close behind him. They murmured their hellos and proceeded to get some breakfast. Last night, Danziger had held Devon until she had fallen asleep in his arms, then he placed her into her bed and covered her with a blanket. He casually surveyed the Dome room to see if she had joined the others yet. He was concerned about her. While she seemed to have convinced herself that the Terrians weren't going to harm Uly, a gap was created in her life by his absence. A void which could overwhelm her. Danziger was all too well acquainted with this feeling. He kept a watchful eye out for her.
Within a few minutes, Devon entered the Main Dome. On the surface, she appeared to be composed, her color was no longer alabaster and her hair was neatly groomed. Only her eyes were bright and she didn't hold direct eye contact with anyone to prevent them from catching a glimpse of her pain. She omitted any preamble, fully aware that all eyes in the room were all ready on her,
"Yesterday we did what was right. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. We are establishing our future on this planet here and now. We have to learn to trust those we share the planet with and also try to learn from them as well. Uly..." her voice cracked, "is a brave boy with a very special mission. I'm proud of him and he will return to us with many new thoughts and ideas. This is a wonderful opportunity for him and all of us. So we should continue with business as usual and make him proud of us as well."
Some of the crew members exchanged confused glances. This wasn't quite what they expected. But their leader had the appearance of normality which lent comfort to the colonists and eased some of the tension in the room. Before anyone could comment, she obtained a cup of coffee and moved toward the door. Danziger grabbed her sleeve,
"Are you okay?" She avoided his gaze, "I'm fine."
Then she left the room before he could say another word. Danziger was hurt and confused by Devon's withdrawal from him. He had put himself on the line by going to her last night and this was how she responded? Frustrated, he cursed himself for his actions and decided not to deal with her.
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"Devon", Julia called out as she hurried to follow the woman across the camp. Devon paused and waited for her to catch up. Employing her professional demeanor she inquired,
"How are you feeling? Any headache or dizziness?" "I'm a little tired but otherwise I'm all right Julia" she replied. Dr. Heller didn't fully believe her, but she didn't want to pry.
"Do you need to talk?" the younger woman extended the invitation to her friend. It was flatly denied. As much as Devon had grown to trust Dr. Heller's medical skills and value her friendship, she couldn't open up to her or any one else for that matter. It wasn't her way. Julia was aware that Devon was carrying a heavy burden, yet she didn't want to share it. So she respected her privacy.
"Just let me know, anytime" she emphasized. She resisted her uncharacteristic impulse to hug the older woman, sensing it would not be welcome at this time.
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Devon continued to wander about the perimeter of the camp, pondering how she was going to deal with Uly's absence. What she had told the group and how she actually felt were two entirely different matters. Yet it was important to maintain a brave face for the Eden Advance crew and conceal her fears. She was their leader so she had to set a positive example. Worries about her boy were threatening to fill her mind. How could she stop thinking about him so she wouldn't go crazy? In the past, submerging herself in her work had always helped to distract her from her worries. But life on this planet had a slightly different structure than her furiously paced station life style. She would cope as she always had by burying her fears inside of her and not sharing her feelings with anyone, except Yale. But what should she do about Danziger?
John's gesture the night before had deeply touched her. It scared the hell out her that she had clung to him so helplessly. She had hurt him that morning but she was confused by the emotions he stirred up in her and horrified that he had seen her in such a vulnerable state. She didn't want to need or depend on anybody. Her parents had taught her to be self-reliant. She had relationships with men and enjoyed sex but she liked to be in control of her own life. She couldn't imagine anyone being in control of John Danziger. Ironically enough, she admitted that was part of the attraction to him as well. She remembered the challenge blazing in his eyes during those first days on the planet when he objected to her decision to travel to New Pacifica and insisted that she take a vote before proceeding. At that moment she was aware that he was a force to be reckoned with. Very few people had ever questioned her authority. And a mechanic? It was impossible for her to think of him in those terms anymore. In fact, lately she had caught herself thinking of him quite differently. When the scouting party from the failed cargo pod #9 retrieval mission had pulled into camp, she was so overjoyed to see John alive and well that she ran straight to him and had to make a conscious effort not to throw her arms around him.
Yet, for the most part she hadn't allowed herself to consider her attraction to Danziger any further. She had too many other pressing concerns - food, shelter, Uly, the Eden Advance crew, and the colony ship. Her life was full and she didn't have time or the need to pursue romantic relationships. Besides, the process of building those types of relationships involved taking risks. By avoiding getting closer to Danziger, she had protected herself from getting hurt. She learned that trick early on from her parents. As a small child, she had been crushed by their lack of attention to her. She didn't want to let anyone else have that kind of power over her again. Memories of being held in John's strong arms flooded her mind and filled her with longing. Damn, but she had felt incredibly safe and secure in his embrace last night. As much as she loved Yale, he couldn't convey the same sense of comfort that John did. She was strongly tempted to continue what John had initiated and accept his support as she did last night but she didn't completely trust him or herself.
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Over a week had passed and Devon had kept true to her plan of keeping busy. She organized and accompanied groups to search for food sources and scout for passes through the mountains, inventoried stocks, supervised maintenance on the vehicles and gear electronics, and even revised her own designs for the New Pacifica colony housing. Her hard-as-nails business cover was firmly in place, though many now recognized it for the mask it was. Her conversations were cursory, sticking to noncommittal subjects like the weather, work details, or supplies. She tended to avoid individuals, hiding within a group or traipsing off by herself. She especially avoided Bess, who gave her such pity-filled glances that Devon wanted to slap her silly. She didn't want their pity. She didn't want anything from them except to maintain the charade that everything was normal. Of course it wasn't. She found herself expecting to see Uly practically every moment of the day. It was quite unnerving. She and Yale had commiserated about this. As always, Yale acted as her surrogate father, consoling her and reminding her to get proper nutrition and sleep. He encouraged her to open up to the others and share her feelings, but she was resistant to this idea. Her Teacher had been her only confidant when she was growing up. As an adult, she rapidly discovered that most people who claimed to desire her friendship usually had ulterior motives. As a result, she was hesitant to trust others with her feelings.
Night time was better for Devon in some respects because she didn't have to deal with the other colonists - it took a lot of energy to maintain her facade of bravery. Many nights she allowed herself to give in to her fears and quietly sobbed into her pillow. Only then did she permit herself to imagine what was happening with her child. Was he safe? Were they taking good care of him. He was such a young boy - was he scared to be alone with them? Did he miss her? She missed him terribly. She had never been apart from him for this long and she didn't know how much more she could stand. But even when she ran out of tears, the pain was still there. She had been hopeful that Uly would contact her in the Dream Plane, as Sheppard had done. Much to her displeasure, she hadn't received any such messages. She kept reminding herself that the Terrians had good intentions. It was because of them that he was alive. They weren't going to harm him because they needed him too, Uly was the link between their species. And the Terrains knew how to care for human children - they had practically raised Mary. Yet her brain was not completely successful in convincing her heart of this. She experienced difficulty sleeping and began to meander about the camp late at night to avoid Uly's empty bed and her disappointment that one more night had passed and Uly had not contacted her. As she walked about one night, she saw John Danziger on guard duty. He raised his hand to acknowledge her presence then turned away. She fought her sudden urge to walk towards him and continued on her originally intended path.
Danziger wondered what Devon was up to. It wasn't a good idea for her to be wandering around by herself late at night. But he restrained himself from approaching her, backing away to offer her privacy. Beyond brief exchanges, she had not spoken with him since that night they had spent together. It infuriated him that he still felt so drawn to her despite her recent behavior towards him. He figured it must be because he could relate to her loss as a parent and also understand the grieving process she was dealing with after his experience with Elle. Regardless of her attempts to disguise it, her anguish over Uly was tangible and disturbing to him. He wanted to disregard Devon completely and focus only on the happiness and well-being of his little girl. Yet, he had promised Sheppard that he would watch out for Devon. In addition, her words "I hate to admit how much I've come to depend on that man and maybe more" had a nasty habit of sounding in his head at inopportune moments, causing his heart beat to race. He didn't understand Devon. She was like a flame that was exciting and seductive, full of passion and beautiful to look at, but capable of burning those that came too close.
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Several days had passed. Funny, Devon had never really kept track of time in this fashion before. She wanted to will all the days to pass by so she could get her boy back. But that could be a long time. It wasn't getting any easier. She had thought she would grow used to his absence and develop some 'scar tissue'. Instead, it still felt like a fresh wound. After tossing and turning in her bed for a few hours, she decided to go for a walk. Generally, she was afraid of the dark but the stars and twin moons presented sufficient illumination to subdue her fears. Once again, Danziger was on duty. Though it was against her better judgment, she gave into her inclination and approached him.
"What are you doing up?" he asked. "Can't sleep."
They stood by the fire in silence. John continued to peer about the camp and Devon lost herself staring at the stars. It was foolish, but she felt comforted by his physical presence.
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Another night, she encountered Danziger again. Her mind accused her of doing this on purpose, after all she was the one who set up the guard roster. They nodded a silent greeting, then she gazed at the stars. She wondered what was happening back at the Stations now. Would her father still be alive after she had traveled 22 light years? Who would be there to carry on her family name? Or maybe her father had finally remarried and had another heir. Strangely enough, it didn't matter to her anymore. All the rules had changed, forever. Her father had been furious with her to consider such an odessy and at one point refused to support her venture to G889. When he realized she could obtain the finances without his backing, he acquiesced but never truly accepted her decision. He had encouraged her to forget about Uly and place him in a hospital then attempt to have a normal child. Her hands clenched as she recalled her anger at his heartless attitude. At least she was a better parent than hers had been. Or was she?
*What kind of mother would let her young child go live with aliens* her thoughts taunted her. Lack of sleep had created a crack in her confidence. Memories of John's actions that fateful night prodded her to reach out to him,
"John, am I a good mother?" Taken aback, John considered the question, "Sure. Why do you ask?"
"Because it's important." She became braver and expressed her true thoughts,
"Because I never felt like my parents loved me so I wanted it to be different for my child."
"What do you consider a good parent to be?" he asked. She boldly plowed ahead, mentioning the first example that came to her head,
"Like you. You're always there for True. You protect her and have a good relationship with her. You're a team and she knows you love her." John averted his eyes,
"Don't do yourself a disservice Adair. You managed to organize a mission to travel 22 light years across the solar system because you loved your child." He continued, with conviction in his tone, "Uly knows you love him and you did what you felt was best." Devon fled.
Story Notes:
ATTENTION: This story is NOT in the SAME TIME-LINE as the show. In my previous story "A Matter of Trust", which occurred shortly after "Survival of the Fittest", Uly has been taken by the Terrians and Devon is devastated. This story explores how she deals with her feelings and how she learns to trust others with them.