Learning Experiences by Allison McDonnell

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Days became weeks.

Danziger spent most of his time at the cemetery. It was the best way he could think of to be close to the others. He missed them all so much; especially his children. Although he had accepted True's death long ago, there would always be a void in his life that only she could fill. Adam's absence was a fresh and painful wound to his already damaged heart. John also strongly felt the loss of unborn Baby Eben. It was an ironic twist that the little girl's life had been unexpectantly extinguished before she had been given a chance to live, just like her namesake.

As much as he longed for the company of his children and friends, Bess was at the center of John's thoughts. Often, he'd seat himself on their favorite fallen log located along the banks of the river and reminisce about their life together. Over the years, they'd spent so much time there, sometimes conversing and sometimes just quietly admiring the scenery. It was the location where Bess had broken through to him and released him from the guilt that he'd felt over the deaths of True and the other Edenites, allowing him to finally begin the healing process. It was also the spot where John had first kissed her. Even after Adam was born, Bess and he would occasionally sneak out in the middle of the night like giddy teenagers to make love there under the stars.

He would have given anything to see Bess' disarming smile one more time. To touch her beautiful face. To hear the sweet sound of her laughter and her promises of devotion and a lifetime of happiness. Every single moment, whether he was dreaming or wide awake, Danziger's heart and soul ached for her. In his mind, Bess had been his savior. She'd given him the strength to continue forward when he was wallowing in pain and self- condemnation. Her guiding light had replaced his despair with hope and encouragement. Bess had loved him, not in spite of who he was, but because of it. And he had loved her more that he'd ever thought it was possible to love someone.

Oh God, John despondently thought, how am I ever going to survive without her?

__________

Weeks turned into months.

Danziger never wept for the loss of his family nor did he speak or express emotion of any kind. In fact, he never uttered a sound. In his worst nightmares, John could never have imagined the depths of loneliness that he now suffered. The silence that saturated the valley was deafening to his ears and excruciating to his psyche. Moreover, there was nothing for him to do to pass the time. At least, nothing that Danziger remotely cared about. He didn't possess the energy to perform even the most rudimentary tasks. Occasionally, he would cut firewood to ready himself for the colder months and he was always careful to replace any resources that he took from the forest. He tried to keep the house up, but found that he lacked the inclination to do so. When appliances malfunctioned, he'd just set them aside without ever attempting to fix them. He ate when he remembered to and only enough to keep him alive.

At times, the urge to end his life was almost too much for John to resist. Often when he shaved, he would stand in front of the mirror for hours with the straight razor poised in his hand. He yearned to put the blade to his skin and slide the edge horizontally across his neck to finally put an end to his torturous existence. The only thing stopping him from suicide were the thoughts of his precious Bess and her daily prayers to God begging for understanding and forgiveness for Mazatl after he'd shot himself.

John was no longer sure if there was a God, but if there was a Heaven or any type of an afterlife, he was absolutely certain that Bess would be there waiting for him. After all, she'd been his angel in life; it stood to reason that she'd still be his angel when he rejoined her in death. As such, John wasn't going to risk ruining his chance of spending his next life in eternity with Bess because he'd been too much of a coward to stick it out in this one.

So, instead, he waited.

__________

Months grew into years.

John started losing track of time. Some mornings, he would sit at the dining room table and, before he realized what was happening, he would fall into a trancelike state. He had no idea how long he'd remain in that condition, but often he would regain consciousness and the fire would be nothing but embers and his coffee would be ice cold. On numerous occasions, he'd be at the graveyard staring at his wife's tombstone and, the next thing he knew, it would be nightfall. Sometimes he'd be drenched in rain or shrouded under a thick layer of snow.

Eventually, the spells were causing him to miss several days at a stretch, although he couldn't really be sure. John didn't want to know exact times or dates anymore and had long ago removed his chronometer and all timepieces from the house. He began to log the days and his lapses in memory by gauging the age of a bowl of fruit kept on the kitchen counter. It became more and more common for him to fill the container with fresh produce and seemingly blink his eyes only to find the same bowl of fruit spoiled rotten.

When Danziger was cognizant of his surroundings, the time moved with agonizing slowness. Because of this, he wasn't really worried about his growing mental illness. As far as he was concerned, the less he had to experience of his hellish existence, the better. In fact, he wished that the dementia would occur more often than it did. He considered it to be one of the few blessings in his life.

He continued to wait, believing that the Terrians would eventually rule in favor of permitting human inhabitation of the planet and commute his sentence to time served. Even as his health continued to decline, John still felt compelled to complete the task of venturing to New Pacifica to educate future generations of colonists with the integral knowledge he'd accumulated. He also steadfastly held onto the hope that someday he would be given the opportunity to tell the tale of Eden Advance, thus ensuring that its members were not forgotten by time and circumstance.

That day never came.

__________

Years evolved into decades.

"M-M-My name is John Danziger. I'm the last s-surviving member of the group known as Eden Advance. ///long pause/// You're gonna have to be p- patient with me 'cause I haven't talked in awhile. I've spent most of my life here on G889. I'm not sure how long. I'd b-been here about sixteen years when my wife and son died. After that, I kinda lost track. I know there've been at least a couple of dozen winters since then, but I'm not really sure. The years have taken a lot out of me and I don't remember th- things so good anymore.

Anyway, if you're listening to this, you obviously found the homing beacon that I programmed to guide you here. Enclosed in this crate, you will find the p-personal gear logs of my crew. In case any are damaged, I've also made copies and they can be found in an identical container stored in the c-cave east of this location. There, you will also find general data chips about our mission and most of the Edenite's personal belongings. As for the recordings, I'm not s-sure what any of them say. I could never bring myself to listen to 'em. But I know that my wife was adamant about keeping up with her journal. However, you should know that B- Bess didn't record any gear transmissions the f-first year after we arrived in this mountain range. She went back later and filled in the missing data and you'll find it under a separate archive file. I'm sure that everything in there is complete and accurate. There were no records made after her death because there was no point to it. N-Nothing ever happened.

I once thought that my son would have the job of warning humans that they must take steps to stop the destruction of this p-planet before it starts. He was also supposed to stress the importance of humans and Terrians working together. I was wrong. Not about the m-message, but about who would deliver it. ///pause/// It doesn't matter now. As the only person left, the duty falls on me. Not because the T-T-Terrians are forcing me against my will to be their spokesman, mind you, but because it's the right thing to do. I'm s-sorry that I won't be here to tell you the things you need to hear in person. I tried to stay alive for as long as I could, but I think that my time here is finally coming to an end. But th-that's okay. I'm looking forward to a long sleep.

It's imperative that you listen to the recordings describing what became of our group after we crash landed here so m-many years ago. It was quite an adventure even though it lasted less than a year for most of us. Those f-first months after we met the Terrians, a lot of us were afraid. Most of us didn't trust them, myself included. Turns out that the Terrians were plenty n-nervous about us, too. They'd already been burned several t- times by humans and it was hard for 'em to believe that Eden Advance was any different from the prisoners or C-Council scientists that came before us. Neither culture understood the other enough to communicate the reassurances that we needed to hear from each other. This led to several m- misunderstandings and our relations continued to worsen, although none of us s-s-suspected how truly bad it was.

It was the Terrian's distrust of us and their f-fear of humanity in general that led to the demise of several of our members and the imprisonment of the rest of us here in this v-valley. I'm not gonna go into the details of what became of us and why. Th-The journals will tell you all you need to know.

P-Please don't judge either the Terrians or us too harshly. Sometimes we did the right thing. Sometimes we didn't. There were t-terrible mistakes made on both sides, but we did the best that we could with what information we had at the time. Don't retaliate against the Terrians for their part in our d-deaths. The experiment that they conducted was a learning experience for all of us. My hope is that, if they knew th-then what they know now, if they were given the chance to do it all over again, they would have acted differently. As I said, it was a horrible m-mistake; an unfortunate accident that I forgave them for years ago. I ask that you f-forgive them, too.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the Terrians don't just live here; they are the planet. D-Don't ever lose sight of that. If you're gonna survive here, you need to learn their rules and respect them. I'm not s- saying that you're s-s-supposed to mindlessly do everything the Terrians tell you to. You also need to help them to understand your point of view. You have to join forces and cooperate with each other to ensure the survival of b-both species. But you m-must always remember that this planet and the Terrians are probably the last chance that humanity has.

///pause/// I must also ask a personal favor. C-Call it a final request, if you will. By now, I'm sure you've found the cemetery. Each marker bears the name of someone who died here, but, with the exception of my wife, Bess, and my son, Adam, there are no b-bodies to fill the graves. I ask that you leave them there. P-Please don't excavate their graves to perform autopsies on them. Everything you n-need to know about them is in their gear transmissions. ///pause/// P-P-Please let my f-f-family rest in peace. ///long pause/// I doubt there'll be any trace of me left, but if my body's still here, you're w-welcome to it. I won't need it any more.

Listen to our stories. B-Bess always said that to repeat someone's name is to let them live again. Please let the members of Eden Advance live again by remembering us and passing along what we'd learned to the other c-colonists settling this planet now and in the future. Learn from our experiences, the g-good ones and the bad ones. We have alot to tell you, even though we'll probably be long gone by the time you f-find this valley.

I can't speak for the others about the sacrifices they were forced to make. However, I can tell you that, regarding m-my own role in the Terrian's experiment, it's all been worth it. I'm positive that Bess would've said the s-same thing. That's not to say that I wish that things hadn't turned out differently. I wish th-that the others hadn't died. I w- wish that there'd been a way to keep the children safe. That's my biggest regret in all of this. B-But as for me, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant that the human race will be allowed to survive here on G889. My life is a small price to pay.

Good luck to you all."

- John Danziger Journal Chronicles, Entry Date- Unknown

__________

It was almost over. Danziger had completed the task of updating and programming the valley's coordinates into one of Eden Advance's old homing beacons. It had taken months of trial and error for him to finish the job; not only because of his failing ability to recollect his knowledge of electronics, but because his severely arthritic hands were now permanently positioned in an unyielding claw-like stance, making it painful and almost impossible for him to move his fingers.

He'd cleaned the house from top to bottom and checked and rechecked to ensure that everything was in order. He'd also made certain that the crates of data-chips and other documentation were secure and sturdy enough to remain safe from the elements. He wasn't sure how long it would be before his homestead would be found and prayed that the discovery would be made by colonists instead of Council members or Grendlers. Although John could no longer recall what a Grendler looked like, he had the vague memory that they were large and had a penchant for thievery. He also still felt the pangs of guilt for having killed one of them, even though he couldn't remember the actual incident.

After dictating a final message into his nearly empty personal journal, he locked the containers of collected information and stacked them on and around the dining room table. He then took a final inspection of every room of the cabin and drew each curtain to a close before setting off for the graveyard.

It took Danziger awhile to reach his destination. His advanced age and rheumatism had long ago caused his skeleton-like frame to drastically hunch forward, slowing him considerably and requiring the aid of a crude walking stick to enable him to get around. He closed the gate to the cemetery behind him and slowly made his way to the end of the row of markers, stopping at each headstone to read the name of a treasured friend or family member. John arrived at the last tombstone which served as the final resting place of his cherished wife and seated himself on the ground. He shimmied backward until he was leaning against Bess' grave and, with as much strength as he could muster, he tossed his cane aside into the grass.

As an autumn breeze whisked through his long white hair, Danziger let out a weak sigh and looked around him one last time. He took in the brilliant shades of gold and bronze found in the leaves of the surrounding trees; the shadows that the occasional clouds cast upon the earth as they gradually moved across the sky; the warm sensation of the brilliant sun as it heated his deeply wrinkled face.

Yep, he thought to himself, today is a beautiful day to die. He reached behind him to lightly touch the etching of his spouse's name cut into the stone. In a strange way, he could almost feel Bess' spirit with him. He hoped that this was a good sign that they would be together again, soon.

A half-smile, the first time in many years that he'd bore such an expression, graced John's lips as he took his final, shallow breath and his eyes fell shut.

Almost immediately, Danziger heard a soft trill and he opened his eyes to find a Terrian standing in front of him. He easily rose to his feet next to the creature and turned to view his dead form slumped against the grave.

"It is time for you to leave this plane of existence. You will come with me."

He rotated his gaze to address the being. "W-Will I see my family?" John asked hopefully. "Will I see B-Bess, again?"

"Yes. Follow me and you shall be reunited with your loved ones."

A look of unimaginable relief overtook John's face as all three shapes began their descent into the ground.

"You have done well, John Danziger."

Then, there was darkness.

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