Learning Experiences by Allison McDonnell

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"Come on, Martin, rise and shine," Danziger called from outside of Bess' tent.

It was getting pretty late in the morning and she was presumably still asleep. He briefly considered letting her rest, but he knew that the Earth- res would be irritated if he let her doze the day away. Plus, it was so unlike her to sleep until noon and he had to admit that he was a bit worried.

He rapped his knuckle on the canvas. "Let's go, Bess. I need your help with securing the beams."

Still no answer.

"Bess, are you in there?"

John's concerns grew and he nervously lifted the tent flap, unsure as to what sight would greet him. He certainly wasn't expecting to see Bess fully dressed, sitting cross-legged and motionless in the shadows.

"Bess, you okay?"

He squinted and noticed a headset embedded in her thick, brown locks.

I don't believe it, she's playing in Virtual, John realized with a frown. He shook his head in disapproval. Once a Martin, always a Martin...

He entered her quarters with the intention of pulling her back to reality, but stopped when he noticed another gear-set with a VR attachment placed on top of a small vid-unit on the ground next to her. He made his way over to the equipment and picked up the gear to enable him to read the message displayed on the screen.

/John, please use the headset and join me in VR. Bess/

He was most certainly not a fan of virtual reality and considered his options. He could ignore the whole thing and leave, but he couldn't get any more work done without Bess' assistance. He was also suspicious of Bess' reasons for asking him to accompany her in VR. This better not be another scheme, he thought.

He studied her face and noted that she looked almost emotionless. He wondered how many hours she'd been logged on and worried that she might have suffered one of those VR breakdowns that had become urban legends back on the Stations. Danziger seated himself across from the Earth-res and shoved the apparatus onto his head.

"Hear goes nothin'," he mumbled and entered the program.

He found himself sitting at a round table affixed with a plain white linen. He was surrounded by darkness, but strangely he and the furniture were illuminated by an unseen light from above. John was about to call out to Bess when she emerged from the shadows on the opposite side of the table.

"Hi," she warmly welcomed, trying her best not to appear too nervous. "I'm really glad you came."

The obvious lack of control over the situation put Danziger on edge. "What's going on?" he asked defensively. "What is this place and why am I- why are we here?"

Bess explained, "This is something that I created awhile back and it's time that I share it with you."

Scanning the blackness around them, he cynically commented, "No offense, but it's not much of a program."

"That's because I was waiting for you to get here before I activated it. This is a modification of a VR chip that I already owned. It's not interactive and we won't actually be participating in the program itself. We're more like a visitor and the idea is to observe what's going on around us."

She swallowed hard and her voice became serious. "I've been coming here for months and it's been an incredible help to me. I think that it can also help you."

Yep, another scheme. "I'm outta here," John indignantly announced and reached up to his eyes to deactivate his unseen gear.

The widow lunged across the table and grabbed his hands, pleading, "Wait, please don't go. You asked me once if I trusted you and I said yes. That's because I do trust you- completely. Now, I'm asking you to do the same by putting your faith in me. Trust me and do this. Stay here and see this through."

Their gazes were locked and John could see how important it was to Bess that he remain. She felt his resistance gradually weaken and she let go of his hands as he lowered them to the table. Danziger silently nodded his agreement and she began the program.

John's senses were instantly overwhelmed. An arrangement of white summer flowers with a lamp sprouting up from its center appeared in the middle of the table along with several pieces of tableware and half-filled glasses. The room became so bright that he shielded his eyes and looked toward the ground. To his amazement, the darkened floor had become a pattern of black and white squared tiles. The air around him was filled with the sounds of music and voices that he'd heard before. And suddenly, Danziger knew exactly where he was.

It was Bess and Morgan's wedding reception.

His head shot up and viewed Alonzo as he circled in front of him, effortlessly twirling his pretty synth-dance partner as they swung to the beat of a big band song.

"-and she countered with forever," John heard Morgan happily proclaim as he and Bess crossed the pilot's path.

Baines, Walman, Magus, Eben. They were all there. Danziger's eyes bulged as he watched an image of himself lowering his fiery redheaded companion into a slow dip. As he lifted her back up and slid his hand down her pale arm, she winked at him with that mischievous look that he knew so well.

He tore his gaze away and uneasily settled it on a kneeling Devon as she doted on Uly who was seated next to her. She looked almost impossibly elegant in her fitted black dress and perfectly styled hair. At that moment, it seemed to Danziger that Devon resembled a member of royalty much more than part of the ragtag crew of Eden Advance. And certainly not someone who would ever have given a Drone like him a second glance. But that didn't mean that he hadn't loved her and he could feel his heart breaking as he drank in her form.

Tears filled his eyes as he looked beyond them to see True uncomfortably swaying with a nameless child that John had programmed as her dance partner. She appeared bored and aimlessly scanned the room until her saucer-brown eyes seemed to look directly at him.

Danziger couldn't take any more. He reached up and tore the gear-set from his head, ripping out a handful of his hair as he flung the equipment across the room. A dozen emotions warred for dominance within him as he was overtaken by a dizzying sense of panic and anger. His heart was beating wildly and he brought his hand up to his mouth to stop himself from vomiting what little food he had in his stomach.

"SON OF A BITCH!" he hollered.

Bess deactivated the program and was just in time to see Danziger furiously crab-crawling backward out of the tent and into the blinding sunlight.

"John! Wait a minute!"

Ignoring her calls, he scrambled to his feet and bolted toward the forest. He had to get away before he exploded. He was too overwhelmed by the memories and too upset with Bess for duping him into reliving them. He concluded that the best thing to do was to find a secluded spot away from her so he could simmer down and regroup. That always seemed to work when True used to push his buttons. True...

"John!"

He could hear her footsteps as she sprinted to catch up to him. "I can't talk to you now, Bess."

The Earth-res continued to follow him. "We need to discuss this."

"Right now, you definitely don't wanna hear what I have to say," he seethed as he disappeared into the shade of the trees.

Bess knew that she had to somehow stop him. She needed John to emotionally react to what he'd just experienced before he was able to bury it into the recesses of his mind.

Bess raised her voice and spat, "Fine. Walk away from me. Walk away from everything. That's what you do best."

Danziger stopped dead in his tracks and whipped around to face her. "You wanna fight about this?" he snarled.

"If you're mad at me, I want you to tell me," Bess insisted as she mentally readied herself for the verbal onslaught.

No longer able to contain his fury, he erupted like a volcano. "You're goddamn right I'm mad at you! TRUST YOU!" He closed the distance between them, but didn't lower the volume of his voice. "You said to trust you! How could you just throw me in there without any warning? To suddenly be there and see True? To see Devon and Uly? To watch myself dancing with Elle? All the other Edenites smiling and happy like they don't have a care in the shanking world?"

She had expected this reaction and steadfastly held her ground. She was also pleased that John was able to speak True and Devon's name without hesitation.

Wait a minute, Bess asked herself, did he just say Elle?

She temporarily ignored the revelation and concentrated on keeping him talking, or yelling as the case may be.

"You're not dealing with your emotions. I thought the shock of seeing them again would get you to start working through your grief."

He pointed at her defiantly. "Don't you dare tell me how to grieve! I'm handling it!"

Bess was furious at his continued reluctance to acknowledge his suffering and she responded with some built up rage of her own. "Have you taken a good look at yourself lately, John? You're skin and bones because you don't eat! You never sleep! It's like pulling teeth to get you to talk about even the most mundane subject! You're not handling anything! I'm watching you die from the inside out!"

He knifed his fingers through his hair and shook his head ferociously. "That's a bunch of bullshit! You think I'm gonna drop dead now after everything we've been through?"

Bess took a step backward and composed herself. "Yes, I do. I'm beginning to understand how you think," she softly disclosed, "and I'm onto you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know what you're planning. You may not even be aware of what you're doing, but it'll happen unless I stop you," she stated.

Danziger's brows furrowed both in confusion and exasperation. "What?"

"You didn't leave with the Terrian because you knew that I wouldn't survive here by myself. You stayed behind to make sure that I would be all right," she explained. Her voice increased with emotion with each syllable as she expressed her concern for her friend. "When the house is done, when you're certain that I'll have a roof over my head and enough food to live on, you're going to let yourself die. I'm absolutely positive of it."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. The idea that she was trying to save his life did little to diminish the ferocity of his response.

He leaned into her to further disrupt her personal space and menaced, "So you think you're onto me, huh? Well, I'm onto you, too, Bess! You've invented some ridiculous scenario in that warbled head of yours that I'm slowly committing suicide. That gives you the green light to make me your latest pet project to play with to keep your mind off other things. Like the fact that you can't meddle in anyone else's personal life because there's no one left. They're all dead!"

Bess attempted to turn away, but he grabbed her by the arm and swung to back to face him. "How about the fact that you and I are going to die here alone and forgotten in this godforsaken valley? Won't be anyone mourning for us and I doubt the Diggers'll give a shit!"

They were almost nose to nose now and Bess attempted to wrangle from his grasp, but Danziger tightened his grip and roared, "And most of all, screwing around with my head keeps you from dealing with your own pain over losing Morgan. This isn't about my grief, lady! This isn't about me at all! It's about YOU!"

As soon as the words left his mouth, the mechanic regretted what he'd said. He could see by the look on Bess' face that he'd hurt her badly and he immediately released his hold on her. As soon as he let go, she retreated a few paces backward from him.

Bess felt as if he had struck her. She secretly admitted to herself that being physically hit by John would hurt less than the pain she now felt from his brutal words. They stared at each other in shock as they struggled to regain control of themselves.

"Bess-" he finally sputtered out.

Still unable to speak, Bess turned and set out for the northern forest. Danziger continued to call out to her, but she never looked back and silently vanished into the woods. After a few moments, he wandered in a stupor toward the trees to the west.

_____

Several hours had passed when Danziger decided that he and Bess needed to clear the air. He was surprised that she was not found under her favorite maple tree, although he noticed from the indentations in the surrounding dirt that she'd been there recently. He searched the immediate area and worked his way southeastward toward the caves, but was unable to locate her. Because the daylight was waning, he returned to camp to grab a lumalight and returned to the western woods.

He breathed an enormous sigh of relief when he finally found Bess sitting on a fallen log at the edge of the lake. It was the exact spot he'd occupied before he'd left to find her.

"I got worried," she said quietly as she heard him approach. "I figured you'd be here."

"I was, but I went to look for you," he answered just as softly.

Her gaze stayed fixated on the sun as it gradually sank into the horizon. John found himself momentarily distracted by the myriad of orange and purple clouds encircling the setting orb. He'd spent so many days at this very location yet this was the first time that he'd noticed the astonishing beauty of the sunset from this vantage point.

"Bess, I need to tell you how sorry I am," he said ashamedly as he took a few steps closer to her. "I should've never said those things to you."

"I'm- I'm so scared, John," she whispered in a shaky voice.

Danziger froze in place, assuming that she'd recoil from him if he advanced further. Damn him and his temper, he chastised himself.

"You're afraid of me?" he asked, trying not to sound as wounded as he felt.

"No, I'm afraid for you," she disclosed as she turned to face him. "And I'm afraid for me, too. There was a lot of truth in what you said. I have been treating you like a pet project. I do have a habit of poking my nose in where it doesn't belong and trying to fix other people's problems even if it wasn't my place to do so."

She stood and took the remaining steps to him. "I didn't mean to hurt you and I swear that I was only trying to help. I'm so sorry."

Danziger was caught completely off-guard as she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his jacket.

After a few seconds, she sobbed, "For most of my life, I've taken care of people. When my mother died, I filled in for her and raised my three brothers. I helped my father out any way that I could working in the mines. Then there was Morgan. He was so lost sometimes." She paused for a moment, deep in thought. "I know that you don't need anyone to take care of you, it's just... it's all I know how to do."

She pulled back to wipe away her tears and met his sympathetic gaze. "You know what I'm talking about, John. You've been doing the same thing all your life, too. You've always looked out for everyone around you."

He noticeably stiffened and averted his eyes. "No, I haven't," he objected in a low tone.

"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you," she said earnestly.

"You don't know that." John removed himself from her embrace and took a step back. "Why do you think that you were the only one who didn't get sick last winter? It's because you refused to give up like Mazatl and Yale and everyone else. You were the strongest of us all, Bess." He sighed and added, "You're stronger than I am."

John moved away and seated himself on the fallen tree. He focused on the ground and continued, "And don't be sorry. I've been doing a lot of thinking and you were right to do what you did. I'm also willing to make a promise to you that I won't give up either now or after the house is built. You can trust me on that."

He lifted his gaze and, for the first time, Bess noticed that Danziger's eyes were as swollen as hers.

He shook his head in remorse. "But there's no excuse for how I acted today. Haven't really been much in the way of company for awhile now. I owe you a lot, Bess, and I hope you can forgive me."

Bess took a seat next to him and smiled warmly to show that all was forgiven. It was obvious that both of them had spent the last few hours addressing some very difficult issues in their lives. She prayed that John was willing to accept her support and begin to deal with his loss.

"Will you tell me something?" she asked. "The woman that you were dancing with. That was Eleanor?"

"Yeah," he answered with a slight hesitation. She could see how tough it was for him. "That was a big step for me to program her as my dance partner. I didn't really have to worry about True at the time because she would never have suspected anything. They looked nothing alike."

"You're right. There wasn't a resemblance at all," she agreed.

"Didn't look too much like me either, but True was definitely a Danziger. She looked amazingly like my sister when she was that age."

Bess looked at him in confusion. "You didn't have a problem seeing Elle the day of my wedding. Why does it hurt so much for you to see her now? Are you still in love with her?"

Danziger stuck in hands in his jacket and shrugged. He didn't want to go down this road. "No. I mean, there'll always be a part of me that will care for her, but I'm no longer in love with her."

"Then why do you avoid talking about her?" John didn't answer so she persisted, "Why?"

Danziger looked away as the admission was quietly ripped from his soul. "I murdered her child, Bess," he whispered as his eyes welled with tears. "I can't think of Elle without remembering what I did."

"John, you didn't kill True."

"Yes, I did. I killed the only part of Elle that survived. I murdered our beautiful little girl." He placed his head in his hands and muttered, "I don't understand. Why didn't the Diggers take me? I'm the one who caused all of this."

"All of what?" Bess had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. "What did you cause, John?"

"This! All of this!" Danziger kept his head buried in his left hand and made a wide sweeping motion with his right. "From the moment I set foot on this planet, I've been causing one problem after another. I'm the reason that the Diggers think we're no better than penal colonists!"

He took a sharp breath and lowered his voice an octave. "Shoot first, ask questions later. Pick fights with anyone who didn't see things my way. I almost blew Gaal's brains out the first week we were here. When the Terrians asked us to free them from that psycho, I didn't wanna help them until Uly got sick. When you, Morgan and Yale were captured by the Terrians, I was planning to set off another geolock. After I was outvoted, I went into that cave armed to the teeth and ready to kill any Digger that looked at me funny. And let's not forget that I killed Katrina."

Bess tried to lay a hand on his shoulder, but he shook her away.

"It wasn't enough that I murdered and ate a Grendler. I convinced the other three to do it, too. I made Julia cut into that poor animal and-" John's voice cracked and he was forced to stop so he could regain control of his emotions.

In those few moments of stillness, Bess realized for the first time that Danziger was the only one from the botched scout to recover Cargo Pod #9 who hadn't been eliminated by the Terrians. Obviously, he'd already made the connection and was now using it as further evidence to convict himself.

"It's no wonder the ancient Terrian we dug up chose me as its host. It was a ruthless monster bent on killing anything that got in its way... just like me."

"John, you are not a monster," she said in sincerity as she grabbed his hand to comfort him.

Danziger climbed to his feet and tried to pull back, but she refused to let go.

"Don't you understand?" he blurted out. "Everyone would still be alive if it wasn't for me. This is all my fault!"

Bess stared at him in amazement as she tried to absorb his confession. Suddenly, the puzzle pieces began to fall together and it all started making sense. John had been dealing with considerably more than the loss of True and Devon. She now understood his reluctance to retake his place as the leader of Eden Advance when Devon died. He truly believed that his prior actions had been the catalyst that motivated the Terrians to hand down their death sentences. He no longer trusted his own judgment and was afraid that any decision he made would end up causing more harm to those who remained behind. She flashed to the memory of the mechanic telling her that he was to blame for the deaths of Baines, Magus and Walman. Why hadn't she paid more attention to his words?

Her mind spun as she remembered that Danziger had resumed his leadership duties only after Bess had agreed to be co-leader. He'd always taken her opinion very seriously and never made the slightest move without discussing it with her first. She'd mistakenly believed that John was trying to be kind by including her in the decision making process to keep her mind off of Morgan. The truth of the matter was that any confidence he'd had in his abilities as a leader had been evaporated by guilt and fear. Danziger had been depending on her to keep him from making any wrong choices and possibly costing more lives. My God, she reflected in wonderment, John had been carrying this weight on his shoulders for a year.

All of these thoughts went through her mind in a fraction of a second. "You're wrong," she said as she stood and attempted to embrace him.

Danziger held her back by her shoulders and staggered backward. "Stop it, Bess. Stop being nice to me. I'm the reason that you're a widow," he said in an anguished voice.

"You'll never convince me of that. Every one of us made mistakes." She decided to switch tactics as she reinitiated eye contact. "John, do you think that I'm a murderer?"

"Of course not," he hastily replied, bewildered that she could ever think such a thing.

Her own confession spilled out of her. "Why not? I was partly responsible for setting off the geolock. And why? Because of greed. I cheated on my husband with another man. Yes, it was only in my mind, but that doesn't make a difference. In my heart, it was still adultery. I told Morgan that our marriage was a mistake. Even after we'd worked everything out and got remarried, we continued to fight all of the time."

Her own voice began to quiver and she took a deep breath to calm herself before continuing. "Those last few months before Morgan died, just about everyone was at each other's throats. We were tired of traveling. We barely had enough rations to keep going. Devon's attitude after she was healed only made things worse. The Terrians were probably watching us and saw how badly we were behaving ourselves. It's no wonder they reconsidered whether or not they want us on their planet."

John found that he lacked the energy to respond and planted himself back on the fallen log facing away from the Earth-res.

"I feel guilty, too. I don't know why the Terrians chose to punish Morgan and True, but spared us. But what I am sure of is that you aren't responsible for it. Neither of us are," Bess said as she took a seat beside him. "You didn't cause their deaths, John, and it's time for you to stop blaming yourself."

Danziger shook his head and softly spoke, "I want to believe you."

"You've got to believe me because it's the truth."

She slid her arm under his jacket and around his waist as she laid her head on his shoulder. Bess was glad that he didn't pull away and she could feel him begin to relax. He slowly placed his arm around her as well.

As he set his chin on top of her curls, he whispered, "Thank you."

After a few minutes of silence, Bess uttered, "Tell me about her."

"Tell you about who?" John asked.

"I don't care. Just start talking."

They sat together and shared their memories as they watched the last remnants of the golden sun disappear into the hills beyond the valley. It was a breathtaking sight and both of them inwardly considered returning to the same spot tomorrow to witness the event, again.

__________

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