Escaping the Pyre, Part 10
by Jayel
Julia checked the restraints on Tara's wrists and ankles one more time. She could remember only too well how it felt to awaken in such a position, and she wanted to be certain blood flow to the extremities was unimpeded and the joints were not being pinched. By the same token she wanted to be equally certain Tara would be unable to hurt herself should she awaken wanting to try. She studied the data flowing across the vital signs monitor for any abnormalities but found none--if Tara was having a nightmare, neither her heart nor her brain was aware of it.
"How's she doing?" Danziger said softly, coming in. He and Devon had come to collect True an hour or so ago, but this time he was alone.
"She seems fine," Julia answered. "As a matter of fact, she should be waking up any minute now."
He came and looked down at the girl on the bed. "She looks peaceful," he said. "Any idea why she'd try something like that?"
"Not really," Julia admitted. "I knew she was still upset, but--here we go . . . "
Tara's eyelids fluttered once then opened. "Hi," she whispered, smiling up at John like it was perfectly usual for her to wake up strapped to a bed. "How was your trip?"
"Very enlightening," he answered, smiling back. "I wanted to say thanks."
"You're welcome," she answered. "Where is she now?"
He glanced at Julia. "I destroyed the program after I got back," he said. "Dropped it on that bonfire of yours, actually."
"Ha!" Tara laughed. "Perfect . . . " She tilted her head to one side and examined his face. "That's good, big guy," she said at last. "You did the right thing."
"Yeah, well, you didn't," he retorted, giving her arm a pat. "You scared my kid half to death."
"Sorry about that," she replied.
"Don't be sorry; be better," he ordered. "See you later, all right?"
She smiled at him again, and Julia felt a light go on in her head. "Sure," she answered.
"It's him, isn't it?" Julia said when Danziger had gone. "The person you told Bess about--it's Danziger."
"It doesn't matter," Tara said, sounding tired but perfectly sane. "But yeah . . ."
"You know, kiddo . . . his dance card is kind of full already," Julia ventured, loosening the restraints but keeping a sedaderm handy.
"Nobody knows that better than I do," Tara assured her, sitting up gingerly. "And right this minute, I don't seem to much care." She reached down and touched her friend's stomach. "Did Valentine come through the crisis all right?"
"Flying colors," Julia promised, patting her hand. "The one I'm worried about is you."
"Don't be," Tara said. "I feel a little better, actually." She looked down at the bandages Julia had put on her burned hands. "Although I guess this means I don't get to drive the transrover for a while, huh?" she joked.
"I wouldn't think so, no," Julia admitted, first resisting then submitting to the urge to brush Tara's still-damp curls back from her forehead. "Tara, please," she began, at a loss. Devon was the nurturant one--how many times had Alonzo given her grief about her lack of bedside manner? The only woman she'd ever met with fewer natural "people skills" was the one she was currently hoping to reach. "I can't just pretend you're okay and nothing really happened," she continued, opting for the unvarnished truth. "You have to tell me why you did that. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong--"
"You can't help me anyway," Tara said, looking up with childlike candor. "As for why . . . I don't know if I can make you understand." She rubbed her knuckles absently over the other palm, as if it itched under the bandage. "I've never really felt real, Doc," she confessed. "First Reilly, then my so-called parents--I was the sum of my useful talents, not a person."
"You think I can't understand that?" Julia asked. "Tara, you just described my whole life before I came here."
"Then you can imagine how everything changed for me when I met Val," Tara went on. "He gave me everything--a name, a family, a soul-- everything I've been for more than fifty years came from him, right down to the way I talk. When I lost him, I started losing me, and it's been downhill ever since."
"But anyone who's ever lost someone they loved has felt that way," Julia protested gently.
"But for them, the dissolving of their identity is an illusion," Tara pointed out. "At some point, it stops, because they've finally been stripped down to being the person they were before--I was nobody before!" She snatched irritably at Julia's precisely wrapped bandages until her hands were free, revealing the haunting pools of light that had appeared there. "Just that," she said bitterly, showing them to Julia. "That's me . . . and I couldn't face that again. I can't face it--"
"Tara, listen to me," Julia ordered. "Of course there's more to you than Reilly's trick or what you were for Val--what about your feelings for John?"
"I fixed his VR program--I spent hours using my brain to pump life back into his dead wife or girlfriend or love slave or whatever the hell she was," Tara answered. "Maybe some of her feelings rubbed off on me, who knows? And maybe the love I feel for his little girl is just an extension of that--and maybe the closeness I feel to you is because of my and Val's friendship with Alonzo." She clenched her fists tightly until the light disappeared. "The only feeling I have that I know belongs to me is not something that's going to make you like me," she said softly.
"What are you talking about?" Julia asked.
"The way I feel about Devon Adair," she answered bluntly, looking at Julia with eyes like a violet winter sky. "I'm sorry, Doc, I know she's your friend, and that's why I'd never do anything overtly to hurt her, even if I could. But I hate her shanking guts."
Julia felt her own insides turn cold. "Why?" she asked. "I don't understand--"
"Because she's the one who did this," Tara explained, her voice reasonable but her eyes wild. "She's the one who made the promises that I've had to keep. She's the one who sentenced Val to die. She bit off more than she could chew, and it's been up to me to swallow it."
"Tara, I swear, Devon could never have done anything intentionally to hurt you or Val--"
"Intentionally, no," Tara agreed. "But she did it, just the same.And maybe it's dear old dad coming out in me, but I promise you I'm not ever going to forget it."
***
Julia had given Tara another sedative to make her sleep--not so much for Tara's peace of mind, but for her own. When Alonzo came in, she was sitting across the medtent from Tara's bed, watching her sleep.
"I thought Danziger said she woke up," Alonzo said, dropping down beside her.
"She did," Julia answered. "And then I put her back to sleep." She reached for him, her face as open and vulnerable as a child's.
"Hey, come here," he soothed, holding her close. "What happened?"
"Nothing," Julia insisted, clinging just the same. "Nothing I want to talk about--she's okay, or she will be, I guess. Physically, she's fine."
"That's a straightforward diagnosis," Alonzo joked. "Hey, it's okay, we don't have to talk about it." He drew back and smiled at her. "There's something else I've been trying like hell to say to you lately anyway."
"We have been getting interrupted a lot lately," she admitted. "So what is it, fly-boy?"
He grinned. "You have no idea how much I love it when you call me that," he admitted.
"Oh yeah?" she retorted. "Gee, I thought you hated it--that's why I do it. Quit stalling."
"Okay, okay!" He took her hand and held it between his. "You know how I feel about you, because I tell you all the time, whether you want me to or not . . . and I think you know there's no way I could ever leave you."
"I had hoped," she said softly. "But I know how much you love to fly--"
"I do, but not as much as I love you," he interrupted. "So what I was wondering is . . . would you marry me?"
"Oh Alonzo . . ." She had occasionally allowed herself to imagine this in her weaker, more sentimental moments, but the more practical side of her nature had always insisted that not only would he never ask, he didn't need to ask, that what they had didn't need a contract. And suddenly she found herself thinking of Tara--if Alonzo were lost, would she want to burn herself alive? Would everything she had learned about herself since she fell in love with him be lost as well? No, she didn't think so . . . Loving Alonzo had made her a better person; she was sure of that. But that person would go on.
"I love you, too," she began, touching his cheek. "And I want to be with you always--"
"Then just say yes, Doc," he said playfully, but she could see real fear in his eyes. "It's easy--one syllable--"
"Yes," she interrupted with a smile, abandoning practicality and reason and everything she had been so carefully taught just to banish that fear forever. "Yes, I will marry you, fly-boy."
He swept her up and kissed her breathless, both of them laughing as their lips met. "You'll never regret that yes," he said softly. "I may not be much, but at least I can promise you that."
"You're going to promise me a lot more than that," she retorted. "You're promising me forever."
-The End-
Author's Chapter Notes:
See, it is possible to write even from atop a high horse! Here's the rest of it, guys, and ooooh, is it mushy at the end. Hope you can stand it--Jayel