Shutdown by Allison McDonnell

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Devon Adair was grateful to be alive. It had been nearly thirty-six hours since her resurrection and her health was steadily improving at an astounding pace. Though she would remain bedridden in the med-tent for at least another day, she had already regained enough strength to sit up on her own and her appetite was slowly returning. As Julia had promised, Devon had been able to share a tearful reunion with Uly the prior afternoon and he'd remained at her side the rest of the day and evening while a steady stream of overjoyed visitors were permitted brief hellos to welcome her back to the world of the living. True Danziger had even been kind enough to bring her a small vase of wildflowers which Bess had helped her pick and Julia had cleared as a nonbiohazard. However, there was one Edenite who had yet to stop by and whose conspicuous absence continued to be a source of much concern for Devon.

Of course, once she had been filled in regarding the origin of her illness, the details of her cure and of Julia and Alonzo's conversation with Danziger, Devon couldn't blame the mechanic for choosing not to visit her. However, she'd incorrectly assumed that John's need to see her would eventually outweigh any negative emotions that he currently harbored. And as the hours ticked by, she was filled with doubt that John would ever come of his own volition.

Desperately needing to see and speak with Danziger, Devon finally decided to take matters into her own hands. Still too frail to leave her cot, she'd had Uly retrieve her gearset and she'd attempted to initiate contact herself. When John failed to respond to her call, she'd switched channels and tried again. Never one to give up easily, even in her impaired physical state, Devon continued to call him every few minutes over the span of several hours without success. As the sun began to set, Devon ultimately abandoned the quest, though she resolved that the very moment that she'd regained enough strength to exit the tent on her own, her first act would be to march straight to Danziger and force him to acknowledge her. She had to somehow make him understand the reason for the choices that she'd made, so they could begin to repair their fractured relationship.

Luckily, she didn't have to wait that long. Julia had just finished her final round of tests for the evening and Uly had climbed onto Devon's cot with the intention of reciting his favorite bedtime story which he'd memorized thanks to Danziger's repeated telling when the trio's attention was drawn to the tent's opening. The crease of the fabric was pulled back ever so slowly, briefly allowing them a glimpse of the distant flicker of the campfire before a large shadow stepped forward to block their view.

"Hi, Mr. Danziger!" Uly greeted excitedly.

"Hey there, Kiddo," came the rather subdued response as John entered the dwelling. He halted several steps shy of Devon's sickbed and his face remained concealed in the shadows.

Uly was oblivious to the immediate tension in the room, though he wasn't sure why everyone had stopped talking all of the sudden. Meanwhile, Julia observed Devon noticeably gulp. The leader's breath seemed to be caught in her throat as she straightened her posturing and folded her hands neatly on her lap. At the same time, Danziger rocked back on his heels awkwardly and jammed both of his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket.

The silence stretched uncomfortably onward until Julia beckoned to Uly, "Why don't we let your Mom and Mr. Danziger catch up with one another, huh?"

"Okay," Uly said brightly before leaning forward to give Devon a tight hug. "I'll tell you the rest of the pirate story tomorrow."

"Sounds good, Sweetie," she said, returning his embrace. "You go to bed when Yale tells you to, all right?"

Uly pulled his head back to gawk at her in confusion. "You mean Mr. Danziger, right Mom?" he corrected. "He's the one who's been taking care of me until you get better."

Now Devon was at a loss for words again. "Of course," she expressed. "You mind John and do whatever he tells you to."

"Uh-huh," Uly said. He bounded full-speed toward the door but was stopped mid-step when a large hand reached out of the semi-darkness to plant itself firmly on the little boy's shoulder.

"True's at the campfire. Why don't you two hang out there for a while and I'll be along soon," Danziger directed, his fatherly tone giving the false impression that the child had a choice in the matter.

"Mm-kay," he agreed as the mechanic retracted his arm and Uly wasted no time racing over the threshold. As the tent flap fell to a close behind him, there was a final 'See ya', Mom' as the boy vanished into the sights and sounds of nearby camp.

Julia's departure was much more restrained as she gathered her med-bag and Diaglove. She gave Devon's wrist an encouraging squeeze and traded a silent nod with Danziger before quietly exiting the enclosure.

Now that their privacy was assured, several more seconds of uncomfortable stillness passed between the pair. Devon squinted into the shadows in a failed attempt to discern the details of Danziger's face.

"Aren't you going to come any closer?" she asked, nervously.

She heard the mechanic exhale a deep breath before he edged forward several small paces and stepped into the light. Although he was now in closer physical proximity to her, Devon could see by the grimness of his expression that he was farther away than ever.

She decided to begin their conversation by stating the obvious. "You haven't stopped by to see me since I was healed."

"I've been busy gettin' the vehicles ready. I figure we'll be leavin' as soon as you're up and around," he said softly, his voice nearly monotone in nature.

Devon tried her best not to sound admonishing as she relayed, "You know, I've been calling you all day, but you weren't wearing your gear."

"Yeah, I was," came the plain reply.

Devon's brow creased in bewilderment. "You didn't answer any of my calls."

"So what else is new?" he shrugged.

His response caused both of them to emit slight snorts before their eyes saddened again and there was yet another lapse of stillness.

Devon was inwardly kicking herself. She had so much that she'd wanted to say to John, yet now that she had at last been provided the opportunity, she was overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotions. And given the current circumstances, she could only imagine what inner turmoil Danziger was currently experiencing.

"Julia tells me that you played a major role in bringing me out of coldsleep. She says that without your help, I wouldn't be here right now," she remarked, hoping to kickstart the conversation.

He shook his head. "Nah, not really. The Diggers pretty much did everything," he replied, prompting Devon to note that, as usual, Danziger had downplayed his importance in the lives of those around him. This only served to increase her guilt and despair over several of her actions over the past months.

Understanding that she could no longer delay bringing certain details out into the open, she pushed forward. "I also want you to know that I set Julia and Alonzo straight about the presumptions they'd made about our relationship. And my... situation."

She paused and her voice reflected her anguish as well as her confusion as she asked, "Why didn't you tell them the truth?"

Danziger took another cautious step forward, yet opted to remain standing instead of taking advantage of the chair placed directly next to her cot. He looked as if the mere act of drawing breath was almost too much for him.

"Wasn't my place," he sighed. "If you'd wanted them to know, you woulda told 'em yourself."

"So you let them believe-"

"It didn't matter what they believed," John said, cutting her off, his voice still just above a whisper. "It only mattered that they finally figured out why you were sick and how to bring you back."

The leader exhaled another dispirited breath. "Well, I'm sorry that you were placed in that position," she expressed with sadness. "I'm sorry for a lot of things. And I owe you an explanation."

Danziger shook his head and Devon didn't miss that his eyes lingered at the tent's exit, as if he was perhaps considering another quick getaway.

"You owe me nothing," he finally muttered.

"I owe you everything," she proclaimed, launching herself forward to grab his hand with both of her own in order to prevent his possible departure. "You're my best friend and one of the very few people in my life who I can trust. I should have been honest with you. I should have told you the moment that I found out that I was pregnant. But I didn't know how to do that. I thought that you would hate me and I couldn't risk losing you."

John knifed roughly through his curls with his free hand. "For God's sake, Adair, how long did you think that you could keep that a shanking secret?" he erupted in exasperation.

"I wasn't thinking," she expressed, stung by the fact that John had chosen to call her by her more impersonal surname. "I messed up. I know that I've hurt you deeply and you have every right to be furious at me. But please just give me a chance to explain."

Still grasping his hand, Devon marshaled her strength and pulled downward to coerce him to seat himself on the chair next to her bed. As he grudgingly acquiesced, he set his jaw in stone, clearly bracing himself for what she was about to tell him.

"I know that we've never talked about Shepard... or really anything about our time in the underground caves," she began. "A lot happened down there and I guess that it sort of became an unspoken rule between us that it was best just to move forward. But we need to discuss it now because it's the only way to make you understand."

Danziger could only sit there like a statue as Devon dove into her explanation. "I was told that Shepard had sent for me across the Heavens. And it was true. I didn't remember him at first. He knew things about me that no one else did and it frightened me more than you can imagine."

"I didn't have to imagine anything, Devon. I could see it on your face when you told me," Danziger felt the need to interject. After all, he'd been there, too.

Devon nodded before proceeding, "But things changed. What I've never told you is that I knew Shepard while I was still on the Stations. But we'd never met in person because, by that time, he'd already been jettisoned here to G889 as a penal colonist. And even though we were light years apart, he was literally the man of my dreams."

There was no missing the revulsion on Danziger's face as she spoke. It was clear to Devon that Danziger's opinion of the man hadn't changed since the moment they'd been introduced.

She did her best to explain her unusual and rather complicated relationship with Shepard. "You have to understand that back when Uly was diagnosed with The Syndrome, I was so overwhelmed. I was heartbroken and terrified and I'd never felt so completely alone. Then Shepard came into my life and took some of that away. And sometimes he'd help to guide me through decisions."

Her eyes brightened and there was a soft, fleeting smile. "He was the one responsible for telling me about G889. He said that Uly could live a long, healthy life here. And he was right."

Devon tightened her grip on John's hand. "When I finally realized who he was and the profound effect he'd had on my life and the life of my son... I can't put into words how happy I was. Finding him again turned my whole world upside down. I couldn't think or see straight. Suddenly, picking up with Shepard where we'd left off so many years before took precedence over everything else, even the mission to New Pacifica. That was why I was willing to let you and True return to camp without me. I was prepared to stay as long as it took to convince Shepard to come with us. I didn't want to be separated from him ever again."

Devon's face darkened. "But then he was killed and our lives changed again. The Elder promised that Shepard would find me again and he was right. The very first night that we were back at the BioDome, Shepard dreamed to me."

Danziger's shock over the bombshell that Devon had been in contact with Shepard since his death prompted him to yank his hand from her's as his back went ramrod straight. In fact, he looked as if he'd just been gutted like a fish.

"I was so relieved that he'd come back to me and he began to visit me in my dreams every few days," she continued, trying her best to ignore the mechanic's expression. "But after you and I were transported to the East coast shoreline, I realized that the relationship that Shepard and I once had could never be repeated. Back in the caves, he'd told me that I was no longer the same person who he'd met all of those years ago and he'd been right. I'm not unhappy or alone anymore. As hard as life has sometimes been, I'm now surrounded by people like you John; friends who look out for me and who care for me as much as I care for you."

Emotion swelled in her voice and she spoke slowly, choosing each word with great consideration. "I let Shepard know that I'd always be grateful to him for all that he'd done for me and that I'll always cherish our time together, but I wasn't in love with him. He'd asked me if given more time, if I could somehow be swayed, but I said that it was too late... that my heart already belonged to someone else. I said that it would be best if he didn't contact me again and he agreed. And I haven't seen him since that night."

Danziger's eyes noticeably widened, his mind and heart obviously engaged in a heated debate over whether or not Devon had just confessed that she'd chosen him over Shepard. And quite possibly whether or not it mattered at this point.

He was still attempting to sort it all out as Devon pressed onward. "And then our situation changed again. I found out that my short time with Shepard had produced a child. I didn't know what to do. I could barely handle the news myself, much less discuss it with you or anyone else."

She shook her head in defeat. "Of course, I knew that I couldn't put off telling you forever, but I wanted to hold off for as long as I possibly could. Things were going well between us and I didn't want to do anything to disrupt that. I was just reaching the point where there was a noticeable change in my physical appearance when the group started getting sick. And then Eben died... and I'm watching all of you wither away before my eyes...."

The leader paused to swallow the lump forming in her throat. "Anyway, that's a discussion for another time, but I just needed you to know how sorry I am for keeping my pregnancy from you. And for you having to deal with Julia and Alonzo's assumption that you were the child's father."

As she'd spoken, Danziger had gradually wilted forward in his seat with his elbows resting on his knees. His gaze was squarely on the floor and he rubbed hard at his ebbing temples.

"If we all hadn't started droppin' like flies in this godforsaken valley, what would you have done?" he asked. "I mean, what were you plannin' on telling me?"

"The truth," she answered simply, trying in vain to meet his still-lowered eyes. This was also when she first noticed several beads of perspiration on his brow. "That I was going to have a baby. Shepard's baby. And that I was going to need your friendship more than ever."

Devon's hand involuntarily drifted to her stomach, feeling for the baby that no longer grew within her womb. "Even though my child may not have been conceived in love, it would have been raised in it," she expressed, her tone thick with grief over her loss. "I'd hoped that, over time, you and I would have worked through our differences and I'd have your full support and your guidance. I'd hoped that you would have become a father figure to this child, much like you have to Uly."

Devon held her breath as she anticipated John's reply, desperately wishing for a positive response-- or any response, really-- to her words, especially considering the enormity of what she'd just told him. Instead, she was disheartened to watch Danziger silently shake his head several times before lumbering to his feet.

"Okay, I think we've talked enough for tonight. Don't wanna wear you out," he relayed, his voice and drooped shoulders reflecting how overburdened he'd become.

"Wait," she implored, bewildered at how quickly things had turned. "You don't have to leave yet."

Danziger's crestfallen gaze finally met hers. "Yeah, I do," he said quietly.

"But don't you have anything to say to me?" she posed, still trying to elicit a reaction from him, even a negative one. "Anything at all?"

"Not right now, no."

Devon was unwilling to let him go that easily. "John, I know that you feel betrayed... in several ways," she acknowledged, her face riddled with concern. "Are we going to be able to get past this?"

John's body language became more severe. "Don't have much of a choice, do we?" he shrugged.

Devon's voice was saturated with emotion as she exclaimed, "I'm not talking about working together to get to New Pacifica, I'm talking about us.... our friendship. I'm talking about our feelings for one another.... another subject where there seems to some unspoken rule between us that we can never discuss."

His eyes narrowed. "You know, maybe that's also a conversation for another time, don't ya' think?" he suggested while he folded his arms tightly across his chest, clearly becoming annoyed.

"When?" she pressed.

Feeling cornered, Danziger let out an mirthless snort and tossed his hands skyward. "I don't know, Devon. I'm not like you. I can't plan out the next decade of my life in advance like you can."

He briefly clamped his eyes shut and inhaled a cleansing breath in order to compose himself. "Look, you talked. I listened," he relayed in a much calmer tone. "Maybe the best thing for you to do right now is to concentrate on gettin' better and puttin' us back on the road again. And I'll concentrate on... well, there's always plenty of shit around here to keep me busy."

Without waiting for Devon's response, John immediately vacated her bedside and backtracked toward the tent's exit while Devon digested how horribly wrong their encounter had gone. Of course she'd anticipated that John would be upset-- and quite possibly infuriated-- by her actions. But once everything was finally out in the open, she'd expected him to at least partially understand her choices.

Moreover, she'd hoped that they'd immediately be able to begin the process of healing their wounded relationship and putting all of this unpleasantness behind them. And there was no ignoring or suppressing her grief over the child that she had lost, She'd been counting on John's unyielding support to help her get through the next days. In fact, now more than ever, she recognized just how much she needed Danziger's presence in her life. And she also desperately needed his forgiveness.

"Please don't go yet," Devon blurted out just as Danziger reached the threshold, causing him to halt in his tracks.

"Stay here for a while longer," she implored to the back of his head. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

John craned his neck back in her direction and his eyes were hard. "You don't wanna know what I'm thinking right now."

"Yes, I do," she insisted.

The ice cold tremor in his voice spoke volumes. "Trust me, you don't."

There was no fluctuation in his tone as he furthered, "I think it's best that we call it a night, for both of our sakes."

Devon closed her eyes, remembering the promises she'd elicited from Danziger after her first collapse. She pictured his serious yet vulnerable expression as he vowed to keep the group together and to take care of Uly if she didn't make it with the rest of them. She recalled the sensation of his hand delicately stroking her hair as he'd assured her that they would all get through this together. She'd believed every word then and, by the look on his face, he'd appeared to believe it, too. But after today's conversation, now she wasn't so sure on either count.

Devon let out a dispirited sigh. Though she'd wanted nothing more than to know what was going on in Danziger's clearly spinning head, it was evident that to push him any further would likely damage them both beyond repair. So she decided to cut her losses.

Now it was her turn to avoid eye contact. "Okay," she whispered. "But whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here."

John matched, then surpassed her strained, dejected tone. "Yeah, well, none of us are exactly gettin' off this rock anytime soon, are we?"

His words and demeanor shook Devon to her very core. Her gaze was still centered on the floor and she blinked back her brimming tears, unable to speak.

"Anything else?" Danziger barked a little too loudly for both of their tastes. He immediately dialed back his intensity and took a full breath before asking again, "Is there anything you need? Do you want me to have Julia bring you a sleep aid?"

Devon's eyes lifted and returned to Danziger's, all but certain that buried deep beneath the layers of pain and betrayal, there had been the faintest glimmer of compassion-- of the affection that she'd grown so used to hearing-- in his voice. She was determined to hear it again.

"I'm fine," she assured, trying to convey a host of emotions in her tone, including her deep regret for all that she'd put him through.

Devon's face fell when Danziger's immediate reaction was to reharden his expression back into stone.

"I'll send in Uly to say goodnight one more time before he goes to bed," he declared.

Devon was clearly overwhelmed and, in stark contrast to John whose face and voice seemed void of all emotion, she openly displayed her devastation.

"Actually, I think that I'd rather be alone right now," she said cheerlessly, the tears reappearing in the corners of her eyes.

Danziger reached behind him to part open the tent crease and the indifferent tone of his reply sent a shudder down Devon's spine.

"You're the boss."

Without another word or glance, Danziger allowed the canvas flap to fall to a close behind him. Devon's mouth was agape and it took her several moments to regain the ability to breathe again. At last, she exhaled a series of stunned gasps and she pressed her hand against her chest to quell her loudly thumping heart.

Based upon Danziger's 'boss' comment, she worried that in Danziger's shattered frame of mind, the two of them had regressed all the way backward to simply an employer/employee dynamic. Devon sunk back into her cot defeatedly. There was no way that she could let that happen. At least, not without one hell of a fight.

She pulled the blankets up tightly around her as she forced herself to calm down and steady her thoughts. It was imperative that she approach this predicament rationally and not let her emotions get the best of her. In fact, there was no better moment than this to put her innate optimism to good use.

There was little doubt that this had been a major setback in their relationship. However, she had to have faith that the damage she'd caused wasn't irrevocable. And fortunately for her, time was on her side.

Danziger had been correct in that, for now, she needed to focus her energies on returning to her prior good health as quickly as possible, along with reinitiating Eden Advance's journey to New Pacifica. Once she was recuperated and the group was far away from this terrible valley, her efforts could be concentrated elsewhere.

Obviously, her interaction with John would be rocky at first. He'd do his best to avoid her, but this would be nearly impossible to achieve for any extensive period of time. After all, he was her second in command and his input was integral to the success and the very survival of Eden Advance. Moreover, he was glaringly aware of his obligations to those who had placed their trust in him and he wasn't the type of man to shirk his responsibilities. This would also definitely work in her favor.

Undoubtedly, each new day would provide new opportunities for Devon to slowly chip away at the mechanic's hardened heart and prove to him that she was indeed worthy of his trust and his companionship. And one day, perhaps far down the road, she would eventually win back his love.

Of course, it was imperative that Devon exude patience and she would have to resist the inclination to pursue him romantically. But if other areas of their relationship were successfully restored, it would be all but impossible for Danziger to continue to deny their mutual attraction for one another. The pair could finally act upon their feelings which they had kept buried for far too long already.

Already feeling much better, Devon reached over to the makeshift nightstand beside her bed and turned down the lumalantern, propelling the room into near blackness. However, true to form, her gaze instinctively sought out and located a small pocket of moonlight filtering in through a tear in the tent's fabric.

Though her body remained severely weakened by her ordeal, her resolve was now stronger than ever. Over the next several hours, Devon's eyes remained wide open while her brain focused on working out various strategies, as well as finding logical solutions to the obstacles which she and Danziger might encounter on their mutual path to recovery. And she was surprisingly encouraged, if not downright excited by her prospects.

One thing was for certain: Devon was most definitely up to the challenge. And she had a feeling that, deep down, so was John.

THE END

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