She raised her hands and started digging through the snow. Fortunately, it hadn't accumulated much above the shelter's height and within a few moments she emerged from the snow bank, gasping harder as she breathed in the cold but clear air. With a start, Mary realized that she had been lucky to wake up when she did. The Earth still had some kindness left.
Sliding back down the hole she had made, she went to the bank of the chamber where she had stored her food. There was none left. The Earth, apparently, was done with its kindness. The snow was far too thick to allow for digging to find more edible plants. The only thing available would be any other animals that emerged into the daylight following the storm.
The animals were the only edible wildlife available.
After the time spent with Whalen, she realized, she probably could figure out how to at least trap a small animal. But she did not want to hunt! She did not want to kill! That would make her just like him and all of the other humans who harmed!
The gnawing pain in her stomach and her head demanded a response. Feeling dizzy, she stepped back toward the snow bank and took two handfuls. The water should satisfy her stomach for a little while, enough time for her to decide what to do next.
But she couldn't think of any other solution. If she was going to eat, she would have to kill.
She crouched behind a bush, remaining utterly still despite the rising bile in her throat. Her efforts were rewarded when the rodent that was surveying her decided she wasn't a threat and came closer. Mary held herself still, despite the growing urge to move, until it was close enough that she wouldn't miss when she came down with the knife.
She didn't. At the point of the knife, the rodent twitched once and died. She gagged on the acid in her throat and felt like she might throw up, but there was nothing in her stomach. Recovering, she turned to look at the knife and the dead rodent again.
Crawling to it, she removed the knife. What to do next? She couldn't eat the fur; she needed to get to the flesh beneath. She remembered that Whalen used to peel the fur off. Looking closer at the wound from her knife, Mary was able to identify the demarcation between skin and flesh. She slid the point between the two and started to remove the layer of fur.
There was blood everywhere, making her task messy and difficult. It was still warm and she thought it might permanently stain her skin.
Mary gagged at the very thought of eating the bit of flesh she'd managed to remove from the animal. She had to close her eyes and force it into her mouth and down her throat, and it was hard not to bring it back up again. But she managed to keep it down.
She'd done it. She had killed and then eaten. Tears dripped down her face even as she continued skinning the rodent.
"So you learned to do it after all."
Startled, she fell backward onto the Earth, both her knife and the remains of her meal slipping from her hands. She looked up, and thought to scream, but her stomach abruptly rebelled and she found herself on her hands and knees in the snow.
Whalen crouched beside her and put his hand on her back. "I'm sorry. That couldn't have been easy for you."
She looked up at him miserably, tears streaming from her eyes.
With quick, practiced strokes, Whalen finished skinning the rodent. In his capable hands, it didn't take long, and when he was done he gently picked up the remains, bundled it together, and buried it under a bush.
Straightening up and wiping his hands, he brought her the small package of meat and offered it. "You got a good start."
She raised her head from where she'd leaned it against her knees, but made no move to accept the package.
"Take it. You must be very hungry."
"I killed," she whispered.
"Yes. You have to eat it now."
Their eyes met. "Why?"
"Otherwise its death doesn't mean anything. It's just dead. It didn't have a chance to give life to someone else."
She'd never thought about it that way, and reached toward the package. But she overbalanced from her position and he dropped to his knees to catch her. "You're worse off than I realized."
It took all of her energy to flinch away. "Do not touch me!"
Silently removing his hands, he turned around to sit beside her, handing her the package from the side. She was careful to make sure their hands did not touch.
They sat in silence for a while. Before, their silences had always been comfortable. Neither of them had a tendency to speak that much. But this time, there was an undercurrent of tension in the air. Mary tried to ignore it. It wasn't hard, given how sick she was feeling.
"You really should eat some of that. You're only going to get sicker if you don't."
Trembling, she removed a sliver of the meat and brought it to her mouth. She needed a handful of snow to swallow it, but she was able to keep it down. Trying to force herself not to gag, she took a second bite. It was easier this time, and the third bite finished the piece.
Whalen was watching her. "That's probably enough for right now. You don't want to shock your system."
She sighed and closed her eyes, still feeling sick although she felt like she'd be able to keep the meat down.
"Are you strong enough to get back?" he asked.
She tensed, wary. Did he mean to try and find her cave?
"I don't want to know where you're sleeping. I just want to know that you'll get back there without collapsing."
"What if I can't?"
"Then I'll take you back with me."
Somewhere, she found the energy to start scooting backward. "No!"
"Even if it doesn't storm, you can't stay out. The exposure will r11;"
She stopped, steadying herself, and took a breath. "I will be all right."
Whalen nodded and got to his feet. "Night will come before long. You should start back now." He looked around, and it occurred to her that he would be able to track her back to her cave regardless of whether she wanted him there.
As if reading her thoughts, he looked down. "I won't follow you. I promise. But I do..." he trailed off for a moment. "I do wish you'd come back. Another day, when you're stronger. Not to stay. I just...I've been hunting for two people now, and there's more than I need."