Yesterday's return by Maggie C

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Yesterday's Return (2/8)
by Maggie C

~They can't!~

Alonzo's eyes flew open. He sat up and tried to stop his heart from pounding. He struggled to recall the dream that had woken him up. It was no use. He just couldn't remember. He sighed in frustration.

"'Lonzo?" Julia said sleepily. "What is it?"

Alonzo smiled down at the pretty doctor. "Nothing. Just a dream."

"The same one?" she asked.

"I think so. I got the same feeling, a deep sense of loss, but I can't remember the details," he replied, lying back down next to her.

"Do you think it's a Terrian dream?" Julia mumbled.

Alonzo shook his head and smiled, despite his disturbing dream. She was the only person he knew who could carry on a conversation while she was mostly asleep. "Go to sleep doc, we'll talk about it in the morning." He kissed her forehead and closed his eyes, trying to shake off the feelings in his dream. Eventually he fell asleep listening to the soothing rhythm of Julia's heartbeat.

Julia woke early the next morning and was quietly getting ready for the day when Alonzo abruptly sat up in their bed. Julia was shocked at the expression on Alonzo's face. She had no idea these dreams disturbed him so much. Alonzo visibly struggled to calm down and she went to sit next to him on the bed. "Was it the same dream again?" He nodded, not looking at her. She continued speaking. "Why don't you tell me what you can remember. Maybe if we figure out the dream, you'll stop having it."

"Give me a few minutes, okay?" Alonzo spoke again before she could voice her protests. "Let me get ready, and think about the dream a bit. You have to check on your patient. I'll see you in the med tent, okay?"

Julia agreed, reminded of her responsibilities as the group's only doctor. She went to the med tent and left Alonzo to get ready. He didn't want to think about the dream, but his thoughts kept drifting back to it. It was too full of emotion to be a Terrian dream, but since he didn't have the capacity to dream anymore, what did that leave? Even if he had somehow started dreaming again, he didn't think that the dream came from his subconscious. It didn't seem as though the emotions were his. Alonzo struggled to remember more of the dream. He remembered strong feelings of loss and pain, but he couldn't remember the source of those feelings. Images danced at the edge of his mind, but he couldn't quite make them out. He sighed, finished pulling on his boots, and went to meet Julia in the med tent.

When he entered, Julia tossed a greeting in his direction but did not look up from scanning her patient. John Danziger lay on a cot, unconscious, on one side of the med tent. He had been unconscious for three weeks now, after somehow injuring himself. He had been out scouting alone, so no one knew for sure what had happened. If Morgan and Bess hadn't decided to go for a walk that day... "So, Doc, what's the prognosis?" Alonzo's voice broke into Julia's thoughts. "How much longer will Danz be laying around, letting the rest of us do the work?" Alonzo's words were light, but Julia caught the undercurrent of worry in his tone. She was worried too.

When Julia didn't reply right away, Alonzo had a feeling something was up. One look at Julia's face confirmed that. "What is it, Julia?"

Julia sighed in frustration. "Do you remember when I said that John's coma was just a way of giving his brain time to recover from the trauma inflicted?" Alonzo nodded. "Well, that wasn't exactly true. There was some sign of trauma, but nothing that would keep him unconscious. I don't know why he's in the coma." She paused to let her words sink in. Seeing that he still didn't understand, she said, "Alonzo, he shouldn't have been unconscious at all, especially not for three weeks."

Alonzo absorbed this news and looked at Julia, shocked. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" He didn't understand why she kept this a secret.

Julia looked slightly embarrassed. "Well, at first I thought that it would take a little while for John to come out of it. So I waited a day or two. And then I waited another day, and another, and another." Alonzo still didn't understand why she didn't tell them, and he told her that. "Alonzo, don't you get it!" she exclaimed, close to tears. "If I can't find the cause for his coma, I can't find a way to bring him out of it, so he probably never will!" Surprising herself with her outburst, she brought her hand to cover her mouth and started crying. That was the first time she had admitted that, even to herself. Alonzo looked at Danziger's unmoving form in shocked silence. He gave Julia a quick hug and she brought her tears under control.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm just so frustrated. I can't understand it. There is no reason for him to be unconscious. His brain activity is normal. It's as if he's just sleeping, but nothing will wake him up. I've tried everything. Stimulants... I've even tried shouting at him."

Alonzo smiled at that last part. "Come on Julia, you know shouting won't get Danziger moving in the morning. Did you try dousing him?"

Julia smiled at Alonzo's attempt to cheer her up. "Thanks, fly-boy." She looked at him carefully. "Okay, your turn." He stared at her, not understanding. "Your dream?" she elaborated. "Was it from the Terrians?"

Alonzo sighed. He knew there was no way to avoid this discussion, much as he might want to. "No, I don't think so. But it's not my dream, either." He saw Julia's confused expression and explained. "The feelings are not my feelings. It's as if someone else is dreaming, and I'm just along for the ride." He shook his head. "There's something familiar about the dream though. It's like..." his gaze fell on John and he was silent.

"What is it?" Julia followed his gaze. "Alonzo?"

"I'm not sure, but I think John had something to do with the dream. When I saw him, the feelings from the dream came back. It was strange."

Julia thought for a minute. "Maybe he had something to do with the cause for those feelings. Does anyone else bring out those feelings?"

"I don't know. Let me try something." Alonzo closed his eyes and began to visualize every person in the group while he remembered what he could of the dream. For most people he got no feelings at all, then he visualized Uly and got a small reaction. His eyes came open. "Uly brings out the feelings too, but they're much weaker."

"Was Uly the only one?" Julia asked.

"Don't know. I still have you, Devon, and True to go through." He closed his eyes again and envisioned Julia. No response. He visualized Devon next. The feeling of loss hit him immediately. "Whoa," he said softly, his eyes flying wide open. "Devon... boy, that was bad." He saw Julia about to ask him a question and cut her off. "Wait, I still have True left. I'll explain in a minute." He quickly pulled up a picture of True in his mind. The feeling of loss that he sensed with Devon hit him again. He opened his eyes and looked over to Julia. "Well, Devon and True both bring out feelings of loss, but they're much stronger than with John and Uly."

"True, Uly, John, and Devon. Well, that fits," Julia said. "Now all we have to do is find out what the dream has to do with them." Julia thought about it for a minute, but couldn't come up with anything. She sighed in frustration. "Do you have any ideas?" she asked Alonzo hopefully.

He sighed as well. "No, I don't." Then Alonzo smiled at the doctor. "Why don't we talk about it tonight. Maybe we'll come up with something by then."

Julia nodded in agreement. They went to get some breakfast before packing up for another day on the road when Julia's gaze fell on John as they left the tent. "Alonzo, wait a minute." He looked at her with a questioning gaze. "Don't tell anyone about John, okay? I don't want to worry everyone just yet."

He understood her reluctance, but still... "Julia, you have to tell them soon."

"Yes, I know." Julia sighed heavily. She didn't want to tell them at all, but she knew she couldn't put it off for much longer. She thought for a moment and remembered that Baines and Walman had spotted a lake ahead on a scout. Devon decided that it would be a good place to rest for a day or two and replenish their supplies. "We're going to stop at that lake up ahead tonight. I'll tell everyone there, or at least Devon, all right?" She looked at him hopefully.

Alonzo looked into her eyes and knew that he could never say no when she looked at him like that. "You are so beautiful," he breathed, and bent his head to kiss her.

"I'll take it that means yes," Julia murmured before his lips captured hers. They ended up being a little late arriving to breakfast.

Devon stretched out in her cot, waking up slowly. She saw the sunlight streaming into the tent. ~Another beautiful day~ she thought, but this thought did not bring a smile to her face. She sensed something was missing this morning, something important. She looked over to Uly and saw that he was still asleep, as was True. ~True? What is she doing sleeping here?~ The fog of sleep began lifting from Devon's mind. ~Wait a minute, the kids have been sharing a tent ever since John and~ her thoughts stopped short as she came fully awake and remembered what was missing. It was John's arms wrapped around her and his warm body next to her. Even after three weeks, ever since that awful day, she still couldn't get used to waking up alone. ~I hope to God I never do,~ she thought as she buried her face in her pillow and tried to control her tears, so she wouldn't disturb Uly and True. ~Yeah right!~ she accused herself. ~You just don't want anyone to know how much this is hurting you.~ She stifled another sob in her pillow as the memories of what happened a few weeks ago flooded into her mind. She remembered Morgan's voice as he called in on gear, the hesitation and the fear. She knew instantly that something was wrong. And then seeing John, lying there... She forced the memories from her mind, and clamped down on her emotions. Devon hurriedly got up and dressed and left the tent quietly to grab a cup of coffee.

There were a few people already up. Bess handed her a cup, with a look a sympathy or pity in her eyes. Devon turned away and started to sit down with the rest of the group, but changed her mind when they gave her the same look that Bess had. She abruptly turned away and went to sit at the edge of camp before she bit someone's head off. She did not want their pity!

Devon sighed, she knew she was overreacting. They were her friends, after all. She sipped her coffee slowly, letting her mind wander. Her thoughts drifted to memories of her wedding with John, dancing in his arms and feeling like they were the only two people in the world. Devon smiled and thought back to the night when she and John had finally admitted their feelings for each other. She had been surprised that they were finally able to crumble the barriers each of them had spent years building. Devon shook her head as she thought of all the time they had wasted... ~No, not wasted~, she realized. In a way, their relationship had begun the moment they had crashed on this planet. Ever since that first confrontation, they had always been there for each other, challenging, supporting, and learning to trust again. Maybe that explained why they decided to get married the morning after declaring their feelings for each other. She shook her head. It was so unlike her, and John, to make such an impulsive decision, but it had felt so right. Being with John was like... coming home. After that night, Devon could not imagine life without him. Tears welled up in her eyes as she remembered that she might be forced to live without him now. ~Stop that!~ she ordered herself. ~He is going to get better. I have to have faith, for the kids and myself.~ True was, naturally, taking her father's continued unconsciousness very hard. A bond had developed between Devon and True over the last few weeks from their shared fear and pain. ~John, please wake up, we need you.~ Devon was overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and she bit her lip to keep the tears from falling.

True arrived, sitting beside her, not saying anything to the woman who came closest to being a mother for her. True could see that Devon was near tears. Knowing how she felt, and that Devon really didn't want to talk now, True remained silent. She leaned against Devon and the older woman put her arm around the girl and gave her a quick squeeze.

After a moment, Devon regained control over her emotions and her voice. Looking down at True, a small smile came to her face. "So, did you and Uly have breakfast yet?"

True nodded an affirmative, but the normally exuberant girl still did not say anything. Ever since the accident, True had become quiet and reserved. She had not laughed once in the three weeks since the accident, and rarely smiled. Devon hoped the girl would have a reason to laugh again, and soon. "Come on, True," she said gently. "We have to start packing." Devon rose. True accepted the offered hand and they walked toward the tent where Uly and Yale had already started to pack their things.

The group packed their belongings with a quick efficiency that showed they had done it a hundred times before. Yale helped Alonzo and Julia settle John in the hammock they had stretched across the back of the Transrover. True and Uly took their usual places on the bench beside the hammock, which was so small it would only seat the children comfortably, and the group began traveling. Devon walked ahead of the group, with Yale beside her.

The group made good time, and they reached the lake in the early afternoon instead of evening as previously expected. They all set up their tents and unpacked quickly. Everyone wanted to explore the area.

Finally he had caught up with them. He couldn't sneak in right away, though. He would have to wait until the time was right. It did not matter. He had waited this long to be reunited with his family, he could wait a little longer. He found a hiding place away from their camp, one that would not be easily found. He was careful to stay far away from the people exploring the region.

Devon let herself be dragged on a quick survey of the area by Yale before she came back to camp and entered the med tent. She tossed a quick hello to Julia, who was giving John his daily injection of hydrators and vitamins. Devon looked around the tent for True. Surprisingly, she was not there. Usually, she had to be pried from her father's side. Devon commented on this, and Julia chuckled.

"Uly came and dragged her off. Said he had to show her something." Seeing the concern on Devon's face, Julia reassured her. "Don't worry, he had his gear."

Devon smiled gratefully and sat next to John's cot. She looked down at her other half and her smile faded. She hated seeing him like this, lying so still, unmoving except for the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Her hand smoothed the hair back from his forehead and her stomach twisted. She missed him so much. "Julia, how much longer?"

The doctor froze, a lie on her lips. She could clearly hear the fear and longing in her friend's voice. She remembered her promise to Alonzo and she knew she had to tell Devon the truth. She deserved that much. "Julia?" Devon had turned to face her when she didn't answer. Julia's silence set off warning bells in Devon's mind. Suddenly, she wondered if she wanted to hear what Julia was going to say.

Julia looked Devon square in the eye and took a deep breath. "Devon, I can't say how much longer this coma will last. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it." She hated doing this to her friend, but continued nonetheless. "I can't even tell you for sure that John will ever wake up."

The words hit Devon like a runaway TransRover. The irrational fear that she would have to live without him was suddenly no longer irrational. She glanced down at John, then looked back to Julia, her eyes silently begging for some kind of reassurance.

Julia provided it. "Devon, that's only the worst case scenario. There's every reason to believe that he'll come out of it any time now. Just have faith." She gave her friend's shoulder a quick squeeze and then Julia slipped out of the med tent, leaving Devon alone with John.

"John," Devon said as a single tear trickled down her cheek. "Please, wake up, I need you. I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending I'm okay. You have to wake up." He just lay there, unmoving. The tears started flowing freely now. "Please, John, I need you. I love you." Devon choked out, and then buried her face against his shoulder, muffling her sobs.

Devon cried for a long time against his shoulder. She thought that she heard his voice, comforting her, telling her that "Everything will be alright," and "Don't worry, remember, you're the optimist, I'm the pessimist. Worrying's my job," just as he had a thousand times before. She cried even harder when she realized that it was just her imagination. Eventually she was able to stop her tears and she remained in the med tent, sitting quietly by her husband's cot.

Bess ducked inside the med tent. "Julia, do you have a minute? Oh, Devon," Bess said as she saw Devon looking down at John and grasping his hand. Julia was nowhere in sight. "I'm sorry, I was looking for Julia." Bess said, as a explanation to the startled woman. Devon shook her head, to show it was okay. Bess' heart went out to Devon. She knew how hard it was to sit by and wait for someone to come out of a coma. And she only had to wait a few days for Morgan to wake up. Looking at the woman, Bess could see that Devon's eyes were red and puffy, as if she had been crying. Devon must really be hurting. "Devon, do you want to talk about it?"

"About what, Bess?" Devon said, trying to sidestep the question. She was in no mood for Bess' good intentioned prying tonight.

"Devon," Bess chided. "Keeping your feelings bottled up like this isn't helping. You'll have to let them out sooner or later."

Devon could no longer keep her anger and annoyance at Bess in check. She lashed out at her. "Bess, just leave me alone!" Devon screamed, and stormed out of the tent.

Bess was shocked. That was one reaction she hadn't expected. She was suddenly angry with Devon for yelling at her without cause, and herself for caring. She stormed out of the tent as well and made a beeline for her own tent. "Why do I even bother?" she asked as she entered her tent.

"Bess? What's wrong honey?" Morgan immediately put down the computer pad he was typing on and turned his full attention to his wife.

"Devon. She just yelled at me, and I was only trying to help!" She sat down on the cot, still angry.

"Honey, you know Devon's not angry at you. She knows you were just trying to help." Morgan soothed. He sat down on the cot next to her. "But she won't talk to anyone until she's ready. You know how stubborn she can be."

"Yes, I know, Morgan. I just hate seeing her pretending she's okay when everyone can see that she's not." Bess sighed and leaned against him.

"What, you mean you're not used to it by now?"

Bess pulled away and stared at her husband in shock. "Morgan!" she half reprimanded, half questioned with her tone.

"Bess, honey, come on. How many times has either Devon or Danziger had a close call? And every time, both of them were too stubborn to share their feelings with anyone."

"Morgan, we've all had close calls on this planet. They are not exclusive to Devon and John." Bess was becoming exasperated with her husband.

"But those two are a magnet for trouble." Seeing Bess' disbelief and increasing level of annoyance, he started listing examples. "Come on, that trip for water, the ZED, Devon's illness, when Danziger went scouting by himself and got sick, when he got trapped in the spider cave tunnel, the scouting trip to Pod 9,..."

"All right, all right, I see your point." Bess interrupted him, seeing Morgan was set to go on for awhile. She sighed heavily. "But I just can't sit by and watch her hide from everyone."

"I know honey, but just be patient. I'm sure Devon will come around soon." Morgan paused. Sensing that issue was resolved, he asked the question that was preying on his mind. "So, uh, did you see Julia?" he asked nervously.

"No, she wasn't there. I'm almost positive though, Morgan." Bess' hand went to her stomach. She looked at Morgan worriedly. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Bess, we went through this already. I wouldn't have agreed if I wasn't okay with it. Besides, Julia said it'd be okay, and it's what you've always wanted."

"But what about you? Are you ready to be a father?" Bess was clearly nervous and worried.

"Bess," Morgan shook his head. How did he explain what he was feeling? How could he put into words that even though he was still terrified at the prospect of becoming a father, he didn't find it distasteful anymore? Ever since that false alarm with the spring pollen, he had been thinking about it, really thinking about it. He watched Danziger with True, and even Uly. Morgan saw how they looked up to him, and had complete faith and trust in him. He wondered what it would be like to have someone look up to him and trust him as completely as True and Uly did with Danziger. He thought he would like it, but it also scared the hell out of him. How could he explain all that to Bess? He sighed and said, "Bess, I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

Yale saw Devon storm out of the med tent. He was confused for a moment, and then he saw Bess storm out of the tent as well. ~So that's what happened.~ Yale shook his head. Bess meant well, but getting Devon to talk about her feelings was no easy task. Especially when she was hurting. And she was hurting very much right now. Yale was worried about Devon. Ever since she was a little girl, Yale had practically been her only companion. She had a hard time making friends as a child. She was rarely around other children, and the ones she did meet shied away from, or worse, teased her because of the image the Adair name brought with it. Devon was never particularly close to her father, but she was close to her mother, and when Mrs. Adair died, Devon was devastated. After he lost his wife, Devon's father pushed his daughter further away. He couldn't stand to be reminded of his late wife in any way, and Devon looked so much like her mother. That hurt Devon, but still, she always tried to please her father, although she never truly succeeded. Yale stayed by her side throughout it all. He was the only friend and confidant she had. She would never let anyone else, besides Uly, get close to her. Of course, she had acquaintances, like O'Neill, but Yale would not call them true friends. She built up a facade of indifference, and carefully developed the manner of voice and the glare in her eyes that sent the recipient scurrying for cover. ~Except for John~ Yale thought with a smile, remembering some of their... more spirited arguments. ~Anyone else would have backed down, but John held his ground and gave as good as he got.~ Ever since the crash and Uly's healing, Devon's barriers were easing. She slowly began to let some of these people through. John was the first person to totally break down her walls. ~I pray he recovers soon. If she loses him, her walls might reappear, and then...~ Julia's approach broke off any further thoughts he might have had. "Hello, Julia, what can I do for you?" he greeted her.

Julia hesitated, and then spoke. "I'm worried about Devon. I had to tell her some disturbing news and I don't think she's handling it very well. I saw Bess storm out of the med tent, so I assume she already tried to talk to her and failed. I was wondering if you would talk to her. You're the only one she would listen to."

"I can't be certain that she will talk to me, but I'll try, if you think it's necessary. What was it that you had to tell her that has you so worried?" Yale listened to Julia repeat what she had told Devon with increasing concern. He had no idea that John's condition was that uncertain. "You're right, Julia, someone has to talk to Devon. I'll go now." Julia gave him a grateful smile, and then Yale departed to the supply tent, where he had seen Devon retreat to after leaving the med tent.

Yale entered the supply tent and found Devon doing inventory. "Devon, what are you doing? The supplies were inventoried just two days ago."

"I just thought I'd go over them again, while I had the time." Yale didn't buy it for a minute. She was trying to avoid facing her feelings.

"Devon, we have to talk." Yale said, drawing her attention away from the supplies.

"Alright." Devon put down her computer pad and turned to face Yale. "What about?"

"About John." Yale paused for a moment. "Devon, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." Devon's face grew stormy and she tried to exit the tent, but Yale blocked her way. "Yale, just leave me alone." There was a note of desperation in her voice. She tried to push past him, but he wouldn't let her go that easily. He would no longer let her try and hide her feelings from the rest of the group and him.

"So you would have me believe that even though your husband has been in a coma for three weeks, and Julia just told you that he might never wake up, you're fine? That it doesn't bother you at all?" Yale's gentle tone softened his harsh words, but even so, Devon stepped back as though she had been physically struck.

"I..., Yale, I can't." She sank down on a crate. Devon was fighting mightily to hold back the tears, but she was fighting a losing battle. Yale sat down next to her and put his arm around her. That was all it took. Devon buried her face in her hands and started sobbing. "Yale, I'm so afraid. What if he never wakes up? I don't know what I'll do. I need him too much. I want him here, awake. It's not fair!" She started crying harder now, and Yale pulled her into a comforting hug. Devon cried for a time on Yale's shoulder.

"Devon, don't worry, he'll wake up. It will be all right," Yale soothed.

"But Yale,..." Devon said, her tears subsiding.

"Devon," Yale interrupted. "Don't worry, he'll come back to you. I have a feeling."

Devon smiled through her tears. She knew Yale had the same doubts she did, but he was trying to make her feel better. She appreciated that. Her smile faded. ~But what if he doesn't wake up?~ "Yale, I love him so much," she said quietly.

Yale squeezed her shoulder. "I know, Devon. We all know."

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