Andy's Fan-Fiction Archive

FIRST SPAT
By
Bernice Low

Timeline: On Way To New Pacifica
Author's E-Mail: drteong@pc.jaring.my OR
llylbl@nottingham.ac.uk

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Hello...
I hope this address is right - I haven't posted or seen posts on the E2-Fanfic list for a while - either I'm not on it or something odd is happening. Anyway, hopefully [finger's crossed] this one goes okay.
Some acknowledgements [short this time :)] - thanks to the FanFic Critique Group who ran this story through the gauntlet and helped track some notorious errors in spelling, grammar etc - and for all the discussions on moons and Gods...just when I thought i'd never write another E2 story, here comes this one...
Comments appreciated - direct please to llylbl@hermes.nottingham.ac.uk
Onward then....

First Spat (1/3)
By Bernice Low

Alonzo was dreaming.
He must have been dreaming. Or so he thought.
He looked around.
Gone was the orange interior of Eden Advance tents - instead, he was in a duplex back on the stations. There was a table in the middle of the room, set for two places, the silverware contrasting with the white tablecloth draped over the table. A large window afforded a view of the beautiful stars outside.
He turned to look at his own reflection in the window and whistled. Gone was the beaten leather jacket, the faded jeans and steel toe capped boots. In their place were patent leather shoes, buffed and shiny, an pair of immaculately pressed trousers and a dinner jacket complete with bow tie.
Baby, Thought I'd Died and Gone to Heaven, Bryan Adams belted out somewhere in the background.
This definitely had to be a dream.
Soft clicking on the black marbled floor drew his attention - he turned around to find himself face to face with a beautiful brunette wearing the sexiest little black number he's seen in a long, long time.
Now this is what dreaming should be all about, he thought to himself as she approached him. He gave no thought to how or why the Dreamplane had brought him here - not with her looking at him like that. He had other things on his mind.
"Alonzo." she said softly. That voice.In a flash, it all came back to him.
"Jessica. Jessica - you look wonderful" he murmured and proffered her his arm as they made for the table. He remembered where he was now. This was to be the last time he would see her - she had been his last romantic encounter before he left on the Eden Project.
Well, not really his last. That title officially went to Lydia, who had been the last love of his life before he had left for G889. But Jessica had been special to him.
His cynical conscience reminded him that they had all been special, every last one of them, from the high flying businesswomen he dated on the stations, to the daredevil Amelia Earharts who sleep-jumped with the best of them. But cynical conscience had no place in this romantic setting, and with Jessica looking simply ravishing and her dark, brown eyes staring right at him, he needed all his concentration. After all, this would be the last time he would see her ever again.
"You're very quiet tonight Alonzo - what's on your mind?" she asked, inadvertently suggestive. "Oh nothing." he said casually as he picked up her hand and pressed a kiss gently to the palm of her hand. "Let's just make this a night to remember shall we?" She raised an eyebrow and Alonzo reflected on just how beautiful she was. A creature of God, perfect to the last detail. They were just getting started on making it a night to remember when, irritatingly, his conscience reminded him that they all had been beautiful.
He tried to ignore it and concentrate on the task at hand, in his case, getting from the living room to the bedroom. But it persisted in reminding him
...of Sheila....
Jessica's long slender fingers were loosening the bow tie at his neck.
Jessica....
Who was at this very moment now snapping the buttons of his shirt and sliding it off.
Lydia....
A lovely girl - bubbly personality but Jessica really knew how to kiss a man in just the right places
Julia...
Suddenly everything careened to a halt - like someone had pulled the emergency brake on a starship travelling at warp speed. His eyes snapped open, the gaudy orange interior of the MedTent floated before his eyes.
He was back in the present. Blinking, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He had just the lousiest timing he cursed. Just his luck to wake up just before the good bits had started.
The sign of a guilty mind? Alonzo dismissed the thought immediately.
He turned to see if Julia was still asleep beside him but she was gone. He touched the spot where she was sleeping and it was still warm - he could still see the indentation of her head where she lay on the pillow. Julia obviously hadn't been up long. He glanced at the chronometer on the table - it was early, and the camp was still quiet - but obviously, not early by Julia Heller Standard Time. He climbed out of the narrow cot and pulled on some clothes, grimacing slightly when he recalled that snazzy tux he had been wearing just seconds ago.
It flashed in his mind that Julia had only seen him in a tux once - at the Martins VR wedding reception. His thoughts briefly wondered to the VR blonde that he danced with - Virginia - that was her name. Not that it mattered; reminded his conscience - as a VR perception, she would have responded to any name he chose - Virginia, Hillary - even Julia.
Alonzo scowled briefly -what was wrong with him today? He had never had an attack of guilt where women were concerned before. He stepped in front of the small mirror on the table and ran his finger over his stubbled jaw. He pondered whether or not to shave. He knew an unshaven appearance gave him an reckless aura and a sex appeal that made him irresistible, particularly to the strait-laced Dr Heller. He raised an eyebrow at his reflection in a question mark...then decided he'd stick it out with his five o'clock shadow.
Stretching his slightly cramped muscles, he yanked on his boots and set out in search of Julia. He stepped out of the entrance into the morning light and looked around.
To the left, he could hear quite audible snoring from the Martin tent. It was a very distinctive snore; unique in it's combination pattern of sniffles and snorts. Initially, it irritated almost everyone in the team but now, they came to regard it as part of the natural nocturnal noises of the planet - like the rustling of a Grendler at night, or the soft squeals of the koba,the sound of Snoritis morganis now simply blended in with the symphony of noises that were heard as night fell on the planet.
To the right, were the Danzinger and Adair tents, pitched, charmingly, next to each other. Devon was probably already up since Uly was a habitual early riser. He was sure both the Danzingers were still dead to the world - it would be a cold day in hell before John Danzinger got up this early. And it would be hell for everyone else if he did since he was a notoriously bad morning person.
He walked to the centre of the camp where the dying embers of the campfire were getting their second dousing of coffee for the day, from Julia. She sat with her back to him, talking to Devon, who sat on a log opposite her, nursing a cup. He crept up behind Julia and surprised her with a bear hug. To his surprise, she did not respond to his affections, but simply sat and stared at the bottom of her tin coffee cup.
"Morning Devon." he said cheerily as he sat himself next to Julia on the log. To his surprise, Devon simply got up, emptied her cup into what once was the campfire and left without a word. Alonzo watched her leave and turned to Julia.
"What I say?" he asked, puzzled but Julia simply shrugged and stood up wordlessly, seemingly intent on walking off. Alonzo grabbed hold of her hand before she could leave and regarded her with a quizzical expression.
"Julia?"
Her reply was short and her tone sharp. "I've got work to do Alonzo."
Not the softly spoken protest that was usually a subconscious invitation to pester her further, not a request to be left alone that held a promise of fun to come, not her usual affectionate rebuttal - this was a clear ‘get lost' if Alonzo ever heard one. She extricated her hand from his grasp and strode off before he could say another word.
Her words caught him by surprise but just as quickly, he recovered and bounded after her.
"Julia! Wait!" he called. His long legs easily caught up with her and he grasped her firmly by the elbow and propelled her around so that she stood facing him. She stared at him insolently, like True whenever her father caught her doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing.
"Julia - what's going on?" he demanded. "You're acting very weird this morning."
"It's nothing Alonzo." she said flatly - but he knew that there was something, except she wasn't going to volunteer to tell him what it was.
"Julia - have I done something wrong?" he said, changing his tone, trying to sound less interrogatory, hoping to coax the whatever it was out of her. All he got was a cold stare. "I've really got to be going Alonzo." Julia stated point-blank. With that, she turned around and marched off in quick steps, leaving Alonzo staring after her.
The rest of the morning proved just as strange, if not even stranger. Not only was Julia refusing to speak to him, but she managed to avoid even seeing him for the whole morning - no mean feat considering the fact that the Eden Advance campsite consisted of not more than 10 tents pitched in a circle.As the morning went on, it became increasingly apparent to him that *no* member of the female sex would talk to him. Everytime he went up to Devon or Bess, he even tried Magus, they would simply shrug their shoulders and walk off, or walk past him as if he wasn't there.
Alonzo Solace was not used to being ignored, particularly by the opposite sex and he was slowly getting the feeling that in the last 24 hours, he had committed some cardinal sin against the sisterhood.
He sighed.
Only one person could help him now.

Yale looked up from the inventory lists that were preoccupying his attention when his young charge burst through the door, running with the speed that a year ago, would have seemed a far off impossibility. Uly displayed the same energy and enthusiasm that a young Devon had - still has - he reminded himself. All which was fine and good, but extremely exhaustive for the tutor-mentor-hand-holder-family retainer who has to keep up - not with one, but both of them.
Today, the object of Uly's fascination was the moon.Or to be more precise, the moons of the planet.
"Yale, did you notice how they were exactly opposite each other last night?" Uly asked excitedly.
"Hmmm, it would seem to be a complete contrast to Moon Cross. How interesting." his tutor replied. "Perhaps it has a special significance too" he wondered aloud.
Within minutes, Yale had accessed his data banks and cross referenced the information on astrology and star signs. "This is very interesting indeed." he said to himself.
"What is Yale?" inquired a female voice. Yale looked up to see Devon standing at the entrance of the tent. She gave her son a hug and asked him what he was up to.
"Uly noticed that the moons of the planet were, at odds last night. At complete polar opposites to each other." Yale replied smoothly. " I've just been studying the information in my data banks - it seems that following the normal Earth Gregorian calendar, we are now in the month of March."
"And?" Devon raised an eyebrow.
"Today, is the Ides of March - the 15th day of the third month of the year - usually not a good day. It was on the Ides of March Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by his best friend Brutus. Thus, beware the Ides of March." explained Yale.
"Whose Caesar?" asked Uly "He was a great Roman general." replied Yale. "We'll find out more about him when we get to Roman civilisation."
"Yale - you don't really think all this lunar mumbo-jumbo is for real." Devon snorted.
"According to the astrological calculations, we are in a rather unusual cosmic time of the year - Mars and Venus are in the same house." "Mars and Venus?" Devon repeated. "The God of War and the Goddess of Love are sharing the celestial influences." explained Yale. "And one must prevail."
"Prevail?"
"Or else, cosmic chaos. Venus and Mars are opposing forces - exerting two very distinct and different influences. If neither force can prevail then there is prolonged antagonism as the powers struggle to secure supreme domination over the beings of the universe." Yale rattled off.
"Somehow I doubt it will go that far." Devon remarked casually, as Uly squirmed from her arms and raced out into the sunshine.
"Relationships will falter as Mars sets to wreck havoc where Venus has previously triumphed." Yale intoned, sounding uncannily like a soothsayer. Devon looked up from the map she was looking at - for some reason, that rang a bell in her head.
"Yale - where did all this suddenly come from?" Devon inquired, somewhat surprised that her old tutor was overnight an expert on starsigns.
"An old 20th century text written by one Mystic Meg. It's quite a fascinating read."
Devon raised her eyebrows. "Well, celestial influence or no celestial influence, I can tell you right now that the minute Danzinger wakes up, he and I are going to have an argument." Devon said dryly as she walked out of the tent.

"The great Alonzo Solace - loverboy extrodinaire, the man my wife declares is 'every woman's type' - is asking *my* advice about women... I don't believe this. Why it's almost a good enough reason to get up at this un-godly hour." gloated Morgan as he tossed off the blankets and almost energetically, got to his feet.
"This isn't about advice Morgan." grumbled Alonzo as Morgan put on his shoes at top speed. "And it's almost lunch time."
"How about a consultation then? Consultation sounds so much more.." Morgan searched for the word "...professional? Well then, tell us what the problem is." Morgan said gleefully, as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation of some torrid, sordid information about to be revealed by Alonzo
"Jeez Morgan, what's with you? Got up on the right side of the bed?" muttered Alonzo in a surly tone as they exited Morgan's tent.
"I'm basking in the glory for as long as I can." replied Morgan smarmily. "Come on loverboy, tell Dr Martin what the problem is."
Briefly Alonzo informed Morgan of the events that had taken place so far.
"Hmmmm..."
"What do you mean 'hmmmm'?" demanded Alonzo.
"I mean it sounds like you're in the doghouse tonight my friend." Morgan replied.
"That serious?" There was a slight hint of concern in the pilot's voice.
"Could be a passing thing - you know, some female problem that's completely alien to us. In such cases, avoidance is usually the answer. Walk on eggshells, don't answer back and don't make a move until you're told to." Morgan intoned with all the authority of a married man.
"They can't all be having the same problem." Alonzo muttered. "I mean, Julia, I can understand - but I can't get any of the women to talk to me."
Morgan shook his head. "You wanna tell your old buddy what is was you did?" Morgan asked seriously.
"What are you talking about Morgan? I haven't done anything." Alonzo near shouted. "I'm an innocent man."
"Look, Alonzo - it's probably some little nuance that you and I wouldn't regard as actually wrongful - but which they probably think is a prime example of just how low the male species can sink to." Morgan explained slowly. "Come on Alonzo - man to man - I'm not going to tell on you." Morgan's voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper.
"There's nothing to tell Morgan - I honestly haven't done anything." Alonzo reiterated.
"Are you sure?" Morgan prodded. "Think - it could be any little thing." Alonzo retraced his actions in the last 24 hours quickly.
"I don't know Morgan - up till last night, everything was fine." Alonzo informed him. "I went to bed. Next thing I know, this morning, I can't even get a word out of her. Or any other woman."
Morgan pursed his lips and thought hard. "The only thing that I know that really bugs women is infidelity - well, there's forgetting their birthday, wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, not telling them they're young and svelte looking, reassuring them you still love them.... - but those are usually forgivable. Infidelity - that's a tough one."
"Morgan - who the hell would I cheat on Julia with? Hell - do I look like I have the energy?" Alonzo said in an exasperated tone.
"Why? Are they making you do too many chores?" Morgan asked, a picture of angelic innocence. "Or maybe Dr Heller is a little difficult to 'keep up with'?" he winked at Alonzo slyly.
"I am not unfaithful to Julia." Alonzo stated firmly.
"In body, mind and soul?" Morgan asked, raising an eyebrow in apparently innocent query. "You've never once thought about another woman? At all?"
"That's it!" Alonzo exclaimed. "Well are you going to share it?" "Last night, I had a dream where I saw one of my old girlfriends - Jessica. We were back on the stations - it was my last dinner date with her." he explained. "I might have said her name out loud - maybe that's why Julia's so mad." Morgan was shaking his head and tsking to himself. "All I have to do is explain to her that it was all a dream." Alonzo thought out loud. "Right?"
He looked to Morgan for re-assurance. Morgan looked sternly at his friend. "Alonzo. Sit down." Morgan said firmly. Alonzo, hearing the serious tone in Morgan's voice, decided perhaps he ought to listen to any advice Morgan might have to offer.
"Look Alonzo - you love her - Julia - right?" Morgan queried, seriously, sounding like a father interviewing a prospective son-in-law.
"I guess so - yeah." he replied slowly.
"Good - and this Jessica character - she's just some passing fantasy right - I mean you're not in love with her or anything?" Morgan continued, still sounding solemn.
"No! Of course not. It was just a dream." Alonzo said vehemently.
"Alonzo - I understand. Most men would understand. If you had just had a moment of mental infidelity while you were off chasing your fantasy nubile maiden, probably even Julia would understand. But yelling out the name of another woman in the throes of passion while you're sleeping next to the love of your life? "Morgan shook his head.
"What?" Alonzo was listening intently.
"It's the kind of thing that makes women kill." Morgan said in a lowered voice.
"No way." Alonzo blurted out.
"Listen fly boy, I've seen the look they get." Morgan opened his mouth to continued but suddenly stopped and looked down at his shoes. Alonzo was just about to prod him on when he noticed Magus and Bess walking past.
By reflex, he smiled and was about to open his mouth to greet the two women but the stare they gave him was colder than the arctic winds. This wasn't staring daggers, more like being eyeballed by Medusa at close range.
"As I was saying - I've seen the look." Morgan repeated slowly. "Uh huh - I think I know what you mean." Alonzo replied, as he watched Magus and Bess round the corner.
"So what happened?" he asked.
"Bess caught me looking - just looking -" Morgan emphasised ".. at this female one day while we were in the restaurant. I mean I barely blinked at this girl - who incidentally had fabulous you-know - I mean fabulous. Anyway, I looked for just a second - it wasn't even a look - it was a flutter of the eyelashes. Next thing I know - I'm sleeping on the couch for the next week and eating frozen rations."
Alonzo raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, and suspension of all 'other privileges' for a month." Morgan added.
"'Other privileges'?" Alonzo looked slightly puzzled "You know..." Morgan gave him a side long glance. "Oh - those privileges." Alonzo nodded with understanding and swallowed hard. He had to admit that for all his travels, his liaisons and affairs, long term relationships were a mystery to him. He knew women inside out, he knew how to attract them, how to flirt with them, how to charm them - he thought he understood them. But obviously, he had absolutely no insight as to how to live with them. You weren't around long enough, reminded his conscience.
"So what do I do now?" Alonzo asked, seemingly unconscious of the fact that he was now actually asking Morgan for advice. "Beg."
"You mean.."
"I mean grovel. Prostrate yourself before the sisterhood and declare yourself totally and utterly unworthy."
Alonzo looked at Morgan incredulously.. “That's all the advice I can give you I'm afraid. The rest is up to you." Morgan said, slapping Alonzo on the back.
"Hey Morgan..." Alonzo called as Morgan headed off to find food to fill his growling stomach. Morgan turned around. "Thanks pal." Alonzo said gratefully, starting to think that perhaps Morgan was not quite as bad as everybody thought him to be. Morgan smiled and started for the camp centre.
"Anytime - I just hope it works for you. Sure as hell didn't work for me." he chortled and walked on.

First Spat (2/3)
By Bernice Low

Here comes Part Two...
Comments please to llylbl@hermes.nottingham.ac.uk

Morgan ambled back to the tent after his lunch, grinning to himself as he imagined what Alonzo was up to. Probably trying to put into effect a desperate strategy. Morgan had a vision of Alonzo dashing around, trying to earn brownie points from Julia and the rest of the female colonists in the hope of reversing his fortunes. He thanked the stars that he would never be put in a position like Alonzo - no, he knew better than that. He would never dare do what Alonzo had done. He shuddered to imagine what Bess might do to him if she ever caught him in a moment of mental infidelity - a mini guillotine floated before his eyes but he quickly banished it aside.
Not that he would ever consider doing so he thought, quickly neutralising any residual thoughts of infidelity from his brain.
No, he was happy with his lot. Anyways, he didn't particularly find any of the other females his type. Devon - while an attractive woman, was a little too bossy for him. Julia - too serious and ugh, Council material. Morgan much preferred to spent his time fantasising about apple pie a la mode and gigantic Mississippi mud pie with a side order of hot fudge sundae than some bit of female fluff.
He felt himself drooling - perhaps a quick VR session before his usual afternoon nap. He ducked into his tent and pulled out his VR set. Lovingly his hands ran over the sleek eyepiece, the seductive curves of the headset - he couldn't imagine life on this planet without it. He pulled the headset over his head and adjusted the eyepiece. "Initiate programme..." Morgan ordered. And immediately a vision of splendour appeared before his eyes.
"Ah yes...." Morgan was breathless with anticipation. He slowly approached the table. Gently he reached out to touch the cris-cross lattice of the apple pie nearest to him - his fingers running over the just right texture of the pastry.
"Oh my..." he exhaled as he saw the perfect cheesecake, topped with plump blueberries and a generous portion of whipped cream. But next to it was a far more sumptuous specimen.
"Aren't you a sly one.." cooed Morgan as he stooped to get a closer look at the banoffee pie that was coyly hiding behind the large tub of slightly softened vanilla ice cream and a mountain of juicy strawberries. He picked up the knife and gently cut through the layers of cream, banana and caramel - slicing a perfect one eight portion. He lingered over it's wonderful aroma. He decided to do a turn of the table before he pounced. He dipped his finger into the still warm pot of creme brulee - the caramelised sugar done to perfection - and sighed with ecstasy.
The chocolate mousse next to it looked delectable and seductively beckoned. But how could he when he had yet to explore the virgin territory of the darkly mysterious chocolate cake that sat on the end of the table which he had no doubt held untold pleasures.
Decisions, decisions, decisions - which lovely dessert would he ravish first?
After much dithering, he decided on the banoffee pie. Picking up his sterling silver fork, he gently picked up a portion - he watched, fascinated as it began it's journey to his mouth...
Suddenly, there was a screech as Morgan found himself very rudely being dumped from VR back to the reality.
"Morgan Martin! What are you doing?" he heard his wife's voice. "Nothing dear - just a little bit of VR.." he stammered out, worried by the accusatory tone in her voice. "Then why are you drooling?" demanded his wife.
Before Morgan could say another word, she had pulled on the headset and was checking out his programme. Morgan quaked as he saw the tiny little veins on the side of her head look like they were going to explode - oh hell, this was a big one.
"Is there something wrong with my cooking Morgan?" asked his wife in a tone that indicated not only was she angry, but she was on the verge of going ballistic, as she whipped the VR set off.
"Absolutely not dear - you know you're the best cook.....ummm.... on this planet." Morgan said, choosing his words carefully so as to not lie either for Bess never liked it when he lied in praise.
"Then why do you need all this? " his wife said, shaking the VR headset at him in fury. Morgan felt terribly confused - Bess never complained about his VR before and she knew that he indulged in it all the time.
"But sweet pea - you've never objected before.." he said, timidly when he felt that it was safe to speak.
"That was before I started cooking in the kitchen and making dinner. Do you realise just how long I spend slaving over that hot pot, using primitive - yes primitive even by Earth standards - methods to produce food so that we can keep going? Do you know how much time I devote to making the measly stuff that I get given taste palatable? Have you any idea how hard it is to think up of something decent to do with food that I have no knowledge of? And now, I find you, with...." she spat out the words "...this..this fantasy of yours...indulging behind my back..."
"But dearie..." Morgan started to protest.
"Don't you dearie me - all you men are the same. If it's not women, it's some other fantasy. But my husband fantasises about food - on VR! This is what I get for marriage, love and devotion - a husband who prefers to look at black forest gateau than spend time with his wife."
"Now sweetheart - that's not true..." Morgan started to deny. He would never chose black forest gateau over his wife - he didn't even like black forest gateau.
"Other men look at females in various stages of the undress! Not my husband. He goes for chocolate layered cake instead! How the hell am I supposed to compete with banoffee pie!! For god's sakes if it was a woman - at least I could compete - but banoffee pie?" shrieked Bess. Morgan simply cowered in a corner and waited for the bombs to stop falling.
"Well - what do you have to say for yourself?" demanded his wife. Morgan knew that he would be a fool to try and plead not guilty when all the evidence was before the judge, jury and possibly, executioner. He'd be better off admitting guilt and pleading for mitigation - though whatever Bess had on her mind, it had to be bad, mitigation or no mitigation.
"Sweetie - I'm so sorry - it was senseless - utterly stupid - moronic even. I promise you I won't ever do it again - not unless you let me that is. In future, I shall only look at nubile women during VR." he grovelled.
"Are you saying that I'm old and over the hill now? Is that it?!" Bess asked, in a dangerously low voice.
"No! No! Of course not sweetie - you're still as beautiful as the day I married you - you don't look a day over....err...." Morgan felt himself struggling as his wife's stare narrowed on him - it was sink or swim. "....over...over.. 29.." he finished.
Bess was silent momentarily - Morgan said a silent prayer, in the hope that this was the end. What the hell was happening? His wife was normally a sweet tempered docile woman - she hardly ever got mad at him. Now, it was like being in Pompeii when Velsuvius erupted.
"Sweetie?" he ventured, timidly but Bess ignored him. She contemptuously dropped the VR set on the ground, turned her heel and wordlessly walked out with her husband staring after her.

"Danzinger?" Devon called as she reached the vehicle pool - or what she liked to think of as the vehicle pool.
"I'm under here.." a voice drifted up from under the TransRover.
Devon walked over to the TransRover and saw a pair of tatty jeans clad legs sticking out from the underside of the vehicle. "Danzinger..." she began but was interrupted.
"Hand me that Number 7 hexagonal wretch will you..." a gruff voice said as a hand shot out from under the vehicle in expectation. Devon knelt down and poked about in the toolbox that was beside the vehicle. Picking up a heavy metal wretch that had the number seven engraved on it, she handed it to Danzinger.
"Is that the right one?" she asked and got a grunt of approval. "Danzinger..." she began.
"Yeah? Damn!" she heard him curse as something dropped with a clang from under the vehicle Devon debated how she would approach the issue.
"John..."
"If this is about when we're moving again Adair - I've decided to leave the decision to you. I'm sure you'll know when's the right time for us to get started again." Danzinger said, as he concentrated on tightening the bolt without spilling any more oil on himself.
"Really?" Devon asked, incredulous. She had expected a long tirade from Danzinger about time wasting and getting a move on. But Devon felt that the last hike had been a particularly long one and that perhaps a slightly longer rest stop was necessary. The site they were camped at was ideal - shaded, close to water and Bess was having some success with producing edible foods out of the local vegetation.
"Yeah...yeah - I think every body needs a break - the kids are really tired out. Vehicles can always do with a longer stop anyway. Gives me a chance to do some proper maintenance rather than the one day miracles I have to perform." he said dryly as he slide out from underneath the vehicle smoothly and got to his feet.
"Great." Devon said, unsure of what else to say. She couldn't believe this - Danzinger and her were actually agreeing on something for a change.
"OK." Danzinger said, as he wiped his hands on a rag.
"You've missed a bit." Devon said, noticing a small splotch of oil that had landed on his tanned face.
"Yeah? Where?" Danzinger turned to look into the rear view mirror of the TransRover.
"Here - let me do it." Devon offered. She picked up a rag and Danzinger bent slightly as she dabbed at the spot.
"Got it?" he murmured.
"I think it's stuck..." Devon muttered, as she exerted a little more force on his cheek. Involuntarily, her fingers brushed against his jaw, tingling where they rubbed with his rough stubble - Devon Adair felt a moment of weakness but it disappeared just as rapidly as it came on her.She concentrated on getting the stubborn oil spot out. Danzinger laughed softly as she rubbed the spot.
"Got it." she announced as the spot finally came off. "Thanks.." he said gruffly as he straightened up. There was a curious moment of silence between them - Devon felt strangely awkward, then realised that she was still clutching the rag in her hands. She had come prepared for a fight - and instead, here they were, actually being nice to each other. It was, well, odd.
"You know Adair - it's not always going to be a fight to persuade me." he said intuitively, as he bent to replace his tools in the toolbox.
"Force of habit perhaps.." she mumbled as she watched him methodically pack the toolbox.
"I guess I better get cleaned up." he mused to himself as he looked at his oil splattered shirt.
"I could do with a bath too actually..." reflected Devon as she felt the sweat trickle down her collar from standing in the afternoon heat.
"Is that an offer?" Danzinger said.
Her eyebrows shot up as she turned to look at him. "What?" she choked. To her horror, she had a vision of Danzinger bathing in the stream.
"You know Devon - an offer to show me where this stream you ladies go to. The one with the waterfall." he said, looking at her.
"Oh - that." Devon felt mildly relieved. But the vision didn't go away.
"I don't think Julia and Alonzo will be there somehow.." Danzinger said, seemingly misinterpreting her concern.
"Uh - there seems to be something going on there." she said neutrally. Drat the man, she cursed inwardly, she really couldn't get rid of the sight of him in the stream- much less the waterfall.
"Yeah...." Danzinger said quietly as they started to walk back to the camp. "So - are you going to show me this place?" Danzinger pressed as they neared his tent.
"Meet me here in twenty minutes.." Devon heard herself saying.
"Great.." Danzinger exclaimed and ducked back into his tent, leaving Devon standing in the hot afternoon sunshine to appreciate the full force of what she had just offered.

Devon wandered to the communal area of the campsite, debating what could possibly be the cause of her curious behaviour. As she passed by, she noticed that Bess, Julia and Magus were sitting together on the log for the lunch while Alonzo, Morgan and the rest of the men were sat in another corner. Drifting past Bess and Julia, she heard Bess ranting on about Morgan's foray to VR.
"How the hell does he expect me to compete with some cream pie?" Bess muttered viciously.
"Men - can't be trusted.." snorted Magus.
"I was there listening to him seducing her..." Julia murmured, sounding depressed. "Don't worry Julia - we girls stick together." Bess assured her. "A couple of nights out in the doghouse is what they need to teach them a good lesson." she said seriously. "Believe me - I've been there. Once I caught Morgan getting an eyeful of this girl in a restaurant - why, he was practically drooling before me at this ridiculously endowed girl... I soon got it through to him that I wasn't going to tolerate this behaviour. You have to put your foot down Julia." Bess lectured sternly.
Devon decided that she would give this discussion a miss when Bess spotted her. "Devon - have you heard what Alonzo did?" Bess demanded.
"I heard..." Devon said slowly. "I think we need to take a unified stand on this." Bess stated. Julia and Magus looked at her expectantly.
Devon felt herself squirm under their glance. They'd probably lynch her if they heard what she was about to do - hell, under any other circumstances, she'd probably lynch herself. She didn't mind making the point to Alonzo and Morgan - but she really didn't see the point in extending it to the other `non-offenders' including Danzinger. What am I talking about? she shook her head. As it was, her luck would persist on a lousy streak.Danzinger sailed into the area, clearly looking for her.
"Devon - are we going?" he said in his loud booming voice. Devon wished she could just crawl into the nearest hole as all the women turned to look at her, their eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Uh....yeah - Danzinger and I are going to check out the water supply." Devon lied.
"And the water temperature..looks like a great day for a dip.." Danzinger added, to Devon's horror.
To add to her precarious position, he draped his arm casually across her shoulder. Devon could feel herself toasting under the unrelenting stares of her fellow females.
"I guess we better go.." she murmured weakly, unable to look Bess in the eye suddenly. Before anything else happened, she dragged Danzinger off.
"Something damned weird is going on here.." muttered Julia testily as she stomped off to find something, anything to occupy herself.

Her head reeling from the turn of events, Devon was amazed she managed to guide Danzinger to the nearby waterhole that Bess had found on her one of her `jungle jaunts'. It was an ideal bathing spot - the nearby waterfall fed fresh cool water into a pool beneath the rocks. The clear water showed the smooth pebbles that lined the bottom of the waist high pool. Large rocks surrounded the pool, forming a natural rim which allowed the lazy bather to lean against them and enjoy their dip.
"You ladies really do know how to keep a secret.." mused Danzinger as he dropped his towel and sunglasses in a heap on a large rock. He sat down and started to take his boots off. Devon had intended to simply show him the place and leave, but she was so pre-occupied with her thoughts that she simply stood at the edge of the pool, staring out into space, until a loud splash startled her from her reverie.
She watched Danzinger wade to the far side of the pool and settle there. Suddenly, her vision returned to her, except this time, it wasn't just in her head - before her very eyes was John Danzinger, skinny dipping.
He looked exactly like what she imagined him to look, his longish blonde hair plastered to his head.... Stop, she told herself mentally. This is really ridiculous. I spend ninety percent of my time arguing with this man, I can't get on with him - what the hell am I doing fantasising about him with nothing on?
"Hey Devon.." she heard Danzinger call. Gritting her teeth, she turned around to face him, keeping her eyes consciously averted on a scrap of moss on the rock above Danzinger's head.
"Yes?" " Why don't you come in? The water's great..." he yelled over the roar of the waterfall.
"No..I really don't think John...no..." she began but he interrupted her.
"You look all hot and bothered standin' up there in the sun....come on in...you look like you could do with cooling off.."
When she didn't give him an answer, to her horror, he swam over to her side of the pool. Resting his hands on his chin, his blue eyes regarded her with a cheeky expression.
"Come on Devon - I'm not going to bite you.." he said, his blue eyes smiling at her. That is the least I'm worried about, Devon thought as she found herself unable to not look down at him. While the ripples from his movement distorted the water surface,she could still see enough of him that didn't leave much to the imagination.
"I didn't bring a change of clothes.." she babbled only to find him splashing cold water all over her jeans.
"Devon - I may be a mechanic, but I'm going to be gentlemanly about this OK? I'm going to swim over to the far side and turn my back. If I don't hear a splash in about 30 seconds, I'm going to personally pull you in the water myself..." he said simply.
"Ready?"
Without waiting for a reply, he ducked back down into the pool and began to swim to the far side. Devon watched [among other things] as he easily traversed the length of the pool and popped up on the other side. True to his word, he kept his back to her all the time.
"You got thirty seconds Adair - 30,29,28,27...." he started.
Devon panicked. It briefly occurred to her that she could make a run for it now. Undoubtedly she'd be able to make her way back to the camp faster since she didn't have to put her clothes and boots back on, like Danzinger. Assuming that he would stop to do that in the first place - but being chased through the woods by a nude John Danzinger?
To her surprise, Devon found herself imagining it with little difficulty.
"I'm down to 25 Adair... 24,23, 22...."
What would the others say if they found out she had gone skinny dipping with Danzinger? They'd crucify her - hell knows why Julia, Bess and all the other women were behaving like rabid Suffragettes overnight. The only thing raging in her were her hormones and she felt like a teenager again - except Danzinger was so obviously a man rather than some high school boy.
"..I don't hear a splash yet Devon....17,16...time's running out..15,14..." he growled.
This is madness she thought. I'm just going to turn around and walk out of here. He's not going to come chasing after me, he's not going to throw me into that pool with all my clothes on, he...he...he wouldn't dare!
"..10,9,8...I'm coming to get you...7,6,5...three seconds to go..."
The birds chirping on the nearby trees stopped briefly as a loud splash echoed around the forest.
Then they started singing again.

Devon was folding up blankets and tidying things in her tent when her son walked in quietly. " Hey Champ.." she said, when she noticed him. He wore a slightly glum expression.
"Mom - what's going on?" he asked, puzzled. Devon stopped her tidying, sat down on the bed and beckoned her son over.
"I don't know son. It's weird isn't it?" she murmured as she hugged him tightly in her arms and kissed the top of his head.
"True doesn't want to play with me anymore. She says she can't - because I'm a boy." he confided in his mother - his tone confused.
"Oh sweetheart - it's not because she doesn't like you for who you are - it's just that things, well, things are a little bit funny at the moment - and nobody really knows why. It's going to get better and then you and True will be the best of friends again." Devon said, hoping she sounded optimistic and cheery.
"Really?" his eyes brightened up and Devon saw traces of a smile at the corner of his lips.
"Really Champ." she assured him as she hugged him again. "Now, why don't we get some dinner?" she asked as she smoothed the curls on his head.
"OK - but I won't eat any of that yukky mash squishy stuff that Bess made yesterday." Uly stated firmly.
"We'll see about that young man.." Devon said, pretending to be stern before the two of them headed off to find their dinner.
Dinner that night was a constrained affair with the camp well divided into the men, and the women. It was an even more trying affair for Devon and Danzinger, who soon discovered that they were the ONLY two people of the opposite sex who were still speaking to each other.
Relaxed from his swim, Danzinger ambled up Bess, his plate in his hand and was shocked at the force in which she deposited his dinner on his plate. She practically threw it onto his plate, seemingly uncaring where it landed. It took quick reflexes from the mechanic to tighten his grip on the wobbling plate and stop his food from landing in the mud - not that it would have made much difference, Danzinger reflected. The mash had the consistency and texture of G889 topsoil. Danzinger was about to open his mouth to ask why she was being so nasty, but decided not to say anything when he caught the glare which Bess had fixed on him. Something very strange was going on, he thought as he moved away. Bess was looking at him as if he was lower than pond scum.
He picked up a fork and carried his plate over to where Morgan, Alonzo and the other men were huddled. Sitting himself down on a dead log, he picked up a forkful of mash and regarded it with scepticism. "What the hell is this goop anyway?" he said out loud, directing his question at no one in particular.
"Sssssshhhhhhhhhh...." spat a unison of voices at him and Walman nudged him with his elbow.
"What?" Danzinger inquired, looking puzzled. "Have you got a death wish Danzinger?" Morgan whispered furiously at him. "For god's sakes, just eat it OK? You don't want to attract any more attention from *her*" he hissed.
"Morgan - what the hell are you talking about?" Danzinger asked. "Bess and the rest of the women have gone completely nuts - I don't know why but they've just turned completely hostile. You don't want to upset them anymore than is necessary." Morgan explained. "Whaddaya mean they've gone nuts?" Danzinger was puzzled "You moron - it's some female... I don't know... hormonal thing...maybe it's this planet...maybe it's the moons - I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't want to know what they're capable of doing if we get them mad enough...and they are mad.." Morgan declared, before shovelling mash into his mouth at top speed.
Danzinger put his plate and fork down. "Look - I'll just go over and talk to Devon and I'm sure whatever it is, we can get it worked out. It's probably just something that's blown way out of proportion... hey, you and Julia will be back together no time..." Danzinger announced, slapping Alonzo on the back. He started to stand up but Walman and Baines pulled him back down.
"Guys - this is really getting ridiculous." Danzinger said dryly. "Yeah - well we're just trying to save your skin buddy.." Baines told him pointedly. "If you go over there - there's no telling what might happen to you."
"It's not like I'm going to be attacked by them. Morgan - I don't know what you've done to offend Bess - I don't know what Alonzo's done - but I haven't done anything..." Danzinger stated.
"This isn't about what you've done or we've done Danzinger..this is way bigger than that - this is men are the enemy - men are scum..." Alonzo said, looking up from the ground.
Danzinger - get this in your head - we're not worthy. We're expendable - we're only good for breeding purposes. Keep repeating it to yourself and maybe you'll come out of this physically intact.." Morgan snapped.
Danzinger started to laugh. "That's the biggest pile of hogwash I've ever heard coming out from a Government Liaison's mouth in a long time..." he said between guffaws. "Aren't you guys taking this a little too seriously?"
"Oh yeah smartguy?" he looked Danzinger in the eye." Then tell me why Uly is coming to sit over here while his mother sits with Bess and her band of merry women? which incidentally includes your daughter?"
Danzinger abruptly stopped laughing as he noticed Uly walked over with his plate and sat down in between Alonzo and himself. "Hey Champ..." Danzinger said, trying to keep his tone light.
"Mister Danzinger.." Uly greeted him slowly and started to eat his food. Danzinger couldn't help but notice the glum expression on his face.
"Why didn't you go over and sit with your mom..?" he asked softly. Uly played with the mash on his plate idly.
"She said I'd better come and sit over here with you. Mr Danzinger - is True angry with me?" he asked, his eyes serious as he looked at Danzinger.
"Well, errrr.. I don't know Uly." he answered honestly. "Oh." Uly sounded disappointed. "Is she mad at you?" he asked next. Danzinger hesitated. "I hope not." he said carefully.
"Is my mom mad at you?" he asked, not bothering to look up this time - almost anticipating a negative response.
Finally a question he could answer positively, thought Danzinger. "I don't think so Champ. We had a real good time this afternoon.." Danzinger grinned at the little boy. He failed to notice the strange looks he was getting from the other men. "Yeah - I guessed that." Uly said nonchalantly. "She seemed like she had a good time too.." he remarked as he poked at the mash.
"Well, I guess somebody will survive this ..." Morgan remarked gloomily before sighing at the prospect of a night in a tent shared with Alonzo and Walman. Between Alonzo's dreaming and Walman's teeth grinding, things were going to be just swell.

Continued in Part 3

First Spat (3/3)
By Bernice Low

Part Three - comments please to llylbl@hermes.nottingham.ac.uk

Devon meanwhile was finding it very hard to ignore the looks she was getting, primarily from Bess and Magus. With her long raven hair still wet from the swim, it had been impossible to hide from them what she had been doing. Devon squirmed - sensing the unspoken accusations that were dangling in the air like the sword of Damocles over her head. She noticed that Julia seemed rather withdrawn - perhaps she was missing Alonzo's company already Devon reflected. Or she could still be feeling hurt by what she perceived to be betrayal by Alonzo reminded a voice in her head.
Bess was recounting to her the sordid tale of Morgan's obsession with food - but Devon was only half listening. She was thinking about the afternoon she had spent with Danzinger. Perhaps Bess noticed that Devon was not paying attention, or maybe, just maybe, she was a clairvoyant of some sort - like she *knew* exactly what Devon was thinking of. Promptly she stopped describing Morgan drooling at banoffee pie and pounced.
"How was your afternoon with Danzinger at the pool?" she asked in an innocuous voice designed to foster a false sense of security.
Perhaps her swim had relaxed her - whatever it was, Devon let down her guard and remarked that she and Danzinger had a very pleasant afternoon at the waterfall. She was about to relate how Danzinger persuaded her to join him when she noticed Bess turning the oddest shade of purple. "You were skinny dipping with Danzinger?" Bess said slowly - enunciating each word carefully. Devon stopped dead in her tracks as Bess focused an unrelenting stare at her. She also couldn't help but notice that even Julia's blue eyes had turned just a little bit icy.
"We...we...." Devon felt a sinking feelings in her stomach. "...didn't really go skinny dipping.." she lied furiously.
"What do you mean you didn't 'really' go skinny dipping?" Magus asked suspiciously. "Skinny dipping is skinny dipping.."
"I mean we... I... didn't do anything..." Devon said, watching the reactions of everybody carefully. Deciding that perhaps a change of subject was in order, "This is very good Bess..." Devon praised, hoping that would neutralise the evil stare that Bess was giving her.
Bess's eyes narrowed for a moment, as if trying to decide if Devon was being insincere before promptly dropping the matter altogether. To Devon's relief, the rest of the meal passed in relative silence though she couldn't help but feel that she was still under probation where Bess was concerned. She surreptitiously looked over to where Danzinger and the other men sat. He was talking to Uly - probably trying to cheer him up. Everybody was behaving very strangely of late and she couldn't quite understand why. The vibes around the camp felt decidedly bad except between her and Danzinger - in fact, things couldn't be better between them. For a moment, Devon was concerned. What she had perceived to be a minor spat between Alonzo and Julia now appeared to have festered into a full blown battle of the sexes.
Under normal circumstances, Devon would have felt the need to poke her nose in everybody's business and get to the bottom of it all before things got out of hand. But tonight, sitting under the stars on a clear blue night - she felt strangely at peace. She turned briefly to glance at Uly and instead, found herself looking at Danzinger. Just then, he turned and for the briefest of moments, their eyes locked before they both turned away.
While Bess began to discuss medieval torture methods and the advantage of the rack over the thumbscrew, Devon curled up into a ball and wrapped her arms around herself, lost in her own thoughts. She only half heard Bess - her mind was somewhere else.
The men talked quietly with Alonzo canvassing opinions from the men as to how best to approach Julia. Danzinger half listened - he sat by the fire, his knees drawn up to his chin and his long arms wrapped around his legs. He heard the water splashing and the waterfall gushing in the background. He could almost feel the cool water against his skin. He snuck a look at her and he knew that she too was not listening to whatever it was Bess was babbling on about. There was a strange smile on her face - a smile of secrets, a smile that gave away to Danzinger exactly what she was thinking. He turned to watch the flickering flames of the campfire, not realising that he too was smiling that same secret smile.

One by one the Edenites turned in for the night - with warring parties sleeping in their 'faction-designated' tents rather than their usual beds and with unusual bed-fellows - up high in the celestial heavens, on the battlefield of the universe, Mars and Venus batted it amongst the stars.

Alonzo rolled over and buried his head under the pillow. What in hell's name was that awful noise? Julia didn't snore did she? Then, with a groan, he remembered where he was.He opened his eyes just as Morgan rolled over and grabbed hold of his left arm while still snoring away contentedly. Alonzo groggily shook his head and extricated himself from Morgan's hold with some difficulty. Morgan? What was Morgan doing in his tent - and what the hell was that grating sound? It reminded Alonzo of nails being slowly scratched down a chalkboard.
He looked to his right and saw Walman, his teeth grinding away. Alonzo shuddered as the grinding continued - Walman really ought to get himself checked out one of these days, he thought - that kind of grinding just wasn't normal. He couldn't understand how Baines would put up with the noise. Or how Bess put up with Morgan's snoring at such close range. His head felt heavy and fuzzy - Alonzo figured he probably got about three hours of sleep in between Morgan's snoring and Walman's grinding. Morgan sniffled on his right and tugged the blanket closer around him. Irately, he flung the rest of his blanket onto Morgan's sleeping form and decided that some morning air might clear his bad mood.
He grabbed his boots and dragged them on. Standing up, he felt every muscle in his body protesting - god, his back ached. As quietly as possible, he crept out of the tent. Stretching his cramped limbs, Alonzo walked slowly to the campfire. He might as well get the coffee going he thought.
To his surprise, the campfire was already going - and a lone figure was huddled up by the fire with a large thermal blanket. The dawn light and mist made it hard to be sure - but it looked like Julia.
"Morning.. " he said tentatively as he neared the campfire. He could see Julia had already brewed the coffee. Her hands were wrapped around the tin coffee cup, drawing warmth from the hot coffee. She gave him a small smile and Alonzo felt something inside him light up. A smile - and an early morning one too. But he sobered up quickly - perhaps she was just being polite.
"Mind if I have some?" he asked, gesturing at the coffee.
"Help yourself.." she said quietly, taking another sip.
"Thanks.." he mumbled and poured himself a cup of coffee. The bitter taste took a while to get used to and his empty stomach squelched as the acid brew hit his gut. "Nice and quiet isn't it?" he said, while mentally chiding himself on just how lame he was sounding. If you haven't got anything to say, shut up he scolded himself.
So they just sat on the dead logs surrounding the campfire in silence. Alonzo took another sip of the coffee which was starting to taste a little better even if it was without sugar or milk. And another sip. And a gulp. Pretty soon, there was nothing left to drink.
Oh hell Alonzo, just go ahead and say it - what have you got to lose? Probably spending the rest of this trip sandwiched between Morgan and Walman a little voice in his head informed. Alonzo decided he'd take the chance.
"Julia..." She looked up from staring at the ground, her blue eyes staring at him intently. "I never really meant to...for you to feel...dammit..." He looked down and gritted his teeth. Come on Solace, get this right once in your life. He looked up again.
He reached out and touched her hand. "I would never do anything to hurt you Julia... it's different with you, Julia - you're...special to me...I never meant to hurt you doc..." he said, the words coming out in a tumble and rushed. He looked into her deep blue eyes and hoped that she understood this was coming from the heart.
She looked down and his heart fell. Then her hand grasped his firmly. "It's not your fault Alonzo...I guess I was just a little insecure... and a little jealous..." she admitted. "I just... I don't know what came over me..."
"I missed you.." she added softly.
"Me too." he breathed. "Especially last night.." he said, smiling. Julia put her cup down and took a furtive look around the camp. She got up and huddled up next to him, throwing the blanket round their shoulders.
"It's still early - we could catch a few more minutes of sleep maybe..." she whispered in his ear. Alonzo could have sworn he saw a gleam in her eye. Sleep suddenly was very far down on his list of priorities. Very far down... Alonzo took a long, casual look round the camp then with a straight face, asked: "Your place or mine?"

Morgan squinted against the morning sunshine that filtered into the tent through a crack in the tent flap. He sat up, pushing his long hair out of his eyes and scratching his chin where a beard was starting to show. God, what an awful night it had been. Alonzo practically took up half the floor and Walman's teeth - now Morgan knew why the man was forever on watch duty.
He rubbed his sore neck and groaning, picked himself off the floor. He blinked at the watch on his wrist - it read half past nine. He hoped Bess had saved him some breakfast before shaking his head groggily - what on earth made him think Bess would do that for him? Her behaviour in the last twenty four hours made her the perfect running mate if Hecate was gunning for President. The Evil Dream Ticket they would be.
Somewhere inside his head a voice squeaked in protest. Nonsense - Bess is a wonderfully sweet woman whom you happen to love and whom you think the world of. Morgan slapped himself several times as Bess smiling face and nubile form floated before his mind's eye. He scratched his hair in frustration - hell, when was it the last time he had an early night with Bess and the two of them got down to some serious patty cake under the thermal blanket? Obviously too long. He must be seriously hungry thought Morgan as he stepped out of the tent - he was starting to have random thoughts.
He glanced around the camp and stifled a yawn. In the corner, he saw Julia and Alonzo talking quietly. Alonzo especially looked like the cat that got the cream, Morgan thought, scowling at the same time. His glance came to rest on Bess who was hefting a rather heavy looking supply box. To his surprise, he stepped up and took the box from his wife.
"Let me help you get that.." he heard himself saying.
He could see Bess features begin their transformation into a scowl. "Bess, sweetie - I want to apologise for my outrageous behaviour yesterday - it was utterly insensitive what I did. I didn't give any thought at all to how you would feel and that was selfish and boorish of me. Can you forgive me Bess?" Where the hell did that come from? thought Morgan. His wife's features softened. Morgan smiled weakly back at his wife - that box was getting really heavy.
"Oh Morgan... I guess I overreacted a little you know. I know you don't mean any harm when you're in your VR buffet hall..." She smoothed his hair back from his fringe. "I guess I just wanted to be appreciated a little you know?" she murmured and for a moment, Morgan felt a flash of understanding.
"Honey, put the box down - let's go make you some breakfast..." Morgan dropped the box immediately and followed his wife off to the make-shift kitchen.
"Morgan... honey?"
"Yes Bess?"
"It was so quiet without you last night - I really missed you..."

"What are you doing here?"
"Could you two stop bickering please?"
"Hey mind your own business!"
"You two are behaving like absolute children you know that?..." "Is that the best you can do goody-goody two shoes? Anyway, what *are* you doing here?" Mars scowled at the beautiful toga clad female that stood in between him and Venus. "Mars, did anyone ever tell you that you're a real cosmic pain in the ass? And Venus, girl, this whole business is really giving love a bad name...sister, what are you doing to the universe?Do you have any idea? I've had to go all out to sort out the mess you two have caused so far... " "Get to the point.." Venus said in a bored voice. There was definitely no lost love between Venus and the meddling intruder. She filed her already perfect fingernails and adjusted her toga for the latest off the shoulder look. Pity Mars was immune to her charms or she would have been off the bloody battlefield ages ago.
"You two don't know what kind of trouble you're in. The big man wants to see you."
"Me?" Venus feigned, raising her perfectly curled eyelashes in innocence.
"Yes. And don't think you're off the hook, Mars. He wants to see both of you."
Mars tapped a sandal clad foot in god like irritation. "Oh Hades" he cursed. "Now? I was just getting the upper hand here...hold on - your big man doesn't have jurisdiction here. We're Roman thank you... and I happen to know that Jupiter is on vacation on Earth somewhere."
"Think again sweetie. The unspoken rule is that while the cat's away, you rats don't get to play. The big man agreed to keep an eye on you lot while your boss is playing hooky down on Earth."
"Oh drat upon drat drat drat.." Mars groaned.
"Uh huh - and if I were you, I'd start thinking about borrowing your buddy Mercury's sandals for the day - he is real mad - uh huh."
"I suppose we better get going then.." said Venus flippantly. It took only the blink of a human eye for Venus and Mars to arrive at their destination - but by god standards, it was pretty slow.
"Mars, Venus - it took you two long enough.." "Sorry, but Venus was busy mussing with her hair.." Mars sniped.
"You mean you were busy trying to hit it off with messenger girl here..." Venus retorted.
"Shut up the two of you. Would you two like to explain yourselves?" Zeus asked, his irritation barely contained.
"143 year cycle feuds have been around for eons old boy - It's even marked on the universal cosmic calendar..." Mars said, shrugging his shoulders.
"What? Have you two any idea what havoc you've wrecked?" Zeus moaned.
"Hey.. the calendar said as long as we kept the influences away from earth, it was OK.." Venus said, as she sank onto one of the benches lazily, fanning herself. "Besides, I wasn't going to let those 143 years in the gym every Sabbath go to waste.."
"Hydra's Head, get me my flipping calendar.." Zeus bellowed. In a flash it was in his hand. Zeus reached into his toga and pulled out his bifocals. "I thought I told them to take this date out of the calendar...didn't we agree that after that last fiasco these silly Roman 143 year cycles would be removed from the universal calender?" he thundered, looking up.
"Where's the Calendar Keeper?"
In a blink, a little man waddled in, his toga flapping at his feet. "You sent for me oh mighty Zeus?" he inquired, a little nervously.
"Yes - I thought I told you that these 143 year fisticuffs were no longer to be inserted into the universal cosmic calendar...after the last business lunch I did with Jupiter at Madame Hydra's , we agreed they were a damned nuisance and a flagrant waste of godly time and powers." he stated.
"You did...." the little man quivered a little in his sandals.
"Then how in Hercules name did this get put in?" Zeus demanded.
The little man studied the calendar. Little beads of sweat started to appear on his bald pate. "Oh mighty one, I can only speculate - I think my PA made a mistake...she's Roman..." offered the little man.
"Bloody Romans - can't ever get anything right..." swore Zeus.
"Hey watch it twinkle toes...that sounded like discrimination to me!" snapped Mars.
"It might have been that new Windows 97...upsetting our Lotus calendar programme..." the little man whimpered on.
"Caius Gregorious - this is Olympus - we do not make mistakes. Do you have any idea what havoc your PA has wrecked?" asked Zeus, using the little man's full name - a sign of his terrible anger.
"N-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o...sir..." Caius Gregorious shook and he fidgeted nervously with his toga.
"By the time I found out what was going on, Mars and Venus here - who were obviously unable to contain their zeal at the opportunity of being the dominant cosmic force for the day - had done so much damage, I had to bloody well send in Aphrodite to conduct the damage control exercise.." Zeus thundered, pointing at the lovely goddess standing between Mars and Venus. "You know what Aphrodite's power can do when used on humans - it can be worse than Venus after she's been listening to Elvis Presley singing Love Me Tender Unplugged - do you think I'd let her out unless it was a major emergency?"
"No sir, but surely the damage wasn't so bad - the calendar did say to stay away from earth.." Caius Gregarious said, trying a little damage limitation himself.
"Hades help me - Caius - you've got to keep up with these humans...get your head out of the clouds and look down on earth once in a while..." reprimanded Zeus. "They'll be in every corner of the bloody universe as we know it soon which is precisely why we ordered those silly 143 year cycles discontinued..in anticipation of this...it was the one damned thing Jupiter and I could actually agree on."
Caius Gregorius prayed hard that Zeus was in a good mood. He liked his job as Calendar Keeper. He'd heard that there was a vacancy down at Hades for a toll keeper. Rumour had it Charon was getting fed up with ferrying all those sent to Hades across the Styx for free and demanded a minimum wage or else he'd strike. Zeus agreed when Hades told him that if Charon stopped working, there would be a serious backlog down in Hell.So it was decided that everyone sent to Hades now also had to pay for the privilege. Caius Gregorius hoped that Zeus wasn't going to send him there. Hades did have frightful mood swings and that bloody rabid dog of his - Hades never thought to put on a leash when he took it ‘walkies'. Plus, it was incredibly hot down in Hades - not pleasantly cooling as it was on Olympus.And Caius Gregorius didn't think he could put up with all those doomed souls whom he would have to collect the toll from.
Fortunately, Zeus had become distracted and waved Caius Gregorius away as he peered into the crystal clear pool in the room which afforded him a view of life on earth. Caius Gregorius scuttled away gratefully while Zeus turned his attention to the two humans.
"Adair - dammit, why aren't we packed up yet?" "Packed up? We just stopped..."
"Woman - we've got a long way to go.."
"I would prefer it Danzinger if you stopped using such a patronising tone with me.."
"OK, if you stop using that big boss tone on me.." "Danzinger, I'll let you know that I have never, never treated you as a..... I've always looked at you as an equal..." "Yeah? Well I say we should move out while there's cloud and it's still cool. Once the sun comes out, the vehicles might over heat..."
Zeus frowned.
"Aphrodite - you missed two.." he said, pointing a finger at the two bickering humans in his pool.
Aphrodite skipped over and glanced into the pool. "No way Zeus - those two were the first two that I undid. They were still sleeping and I thought it would be better to unravel whatever Mars and Venus did while they were still asleep..to limit the effects of my powers..." Aphrodite shook her head.
"But they're still fighting.." Zeus pointed out. "Mars?" he growled, turning to look at the young god.
"Nothing to do with me..." Mars snapped.
Zeus sighed and looked at the watery vision and the argument that was going on. "I guess some things are beyond even the gods.."

-The End-

Any feedback gratefully appreciated..and the usual disclaimers apply incidentally...

This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.