STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION VS. EARTH TWO
By
David Nurnberg
Timeline: Time Unknown
Author's E-Mail: SKIOLD@AOL.COM
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Okay all,This is the story I was telling you about a few weeks back. Keep in mind I did not write it (so if you don't like it e-mail Skiold@aol.com--not me!). I'm currently working on revenge! Apparently, every sci-fi show is a copy of Star Trek. Let's prove him wrong!
-Doc Revenge
STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION VS. EARTH TWO
By David Nurenberg
CAST:
ROLE STAR TREK TNG EARTH 2
Leader person Picard
Devon Macho stud Riker Alonzo Robot guy Data Zero Engineer Geordi Danzinger Doctor Bev Crusher Jess Heller Hot Babes Troi, Crusher, Ro Bess Rotten Kid Wesley Uli, True
Captain's Log, Stardate: Uh...the big hand is on the three, and the little hand...aw, ferget it! Once again that insufferable brat, Wesley, has sent us spinning off course to some distant galaxy in some distant dimension, and we'll be stuck here for 4/5ths of the show until the little geek inevitably comes up with a plan to get us back , so we might as well make the best of it while we're here.
DATA: Sir, there is a class M planet below us. Life form readings are indeterminate.
RIKER: Huh?
WESELY: Meaning the sensors don't know what's down there - FOR A CHANGE. (To himself) Sheesh, adults.
PICARD: Well, Number One, might as well send down an away team so you can all get imperiled while the transporters inevitably malfunction and we're unable to beam you up.
RIKER: Sounds like a good plan. Since it's an unknown and dangerous planet, I'll take almost all of our senior staff. Geordi, Data, Worf, Troi, and nameless expendable security guard number four, you're with me. O'Brien, beam us down.
GEORDI: Uh...O'Brien's not here anymore, remember? He's now on Deep Space nine where he finally gets his name in the credits.
NAMELESS SECURITY GUARD#4: Damn. Now EVERYONE has their name in the credits somewhere except me and Dr. Pulaski...
<<<<ENERGIZING>>>>>
(on the surface, Riker and Co encounter a strange ragtag group of wandering humans)
DEVON: Hi! Whoever you are, be careful!
WORF: Wha? There is danger?
DEVON: No. I just really like saying that. Be careful! It makes my whole day. (Grins)
RIKER:Ah...greetings! I come in peace from the United Federation of Planets, to share knowledge and bed any of your cute babes. Where's your leader?
DEVON: Uh...our leader kind of got killed.
RIKER: Hmm. I understand, it happens to the best of us. After all, even the greatest hero of our people, James T. Kirk, died saving the universe.
DEVON: Well...actually...our leader died by getting shot with a little poison claw from a teeny tiny kitty alien. I guess I'm in charge now. People pretend to listen to me.
RIKER: Ah...okay...well, my name's Will, and this is Geordi, Data, Worf, Deanna, and...uh...a nameless guy. But don't worry about him. He'll get killed pretty soon anyway.
(the two groups mill around and break out the chips n'salsa)
RIKER: Maaan, you guys must get really bored around here. This place is really a pit. Have you ever been to a place called Rysa?
DEVON: Er...no. Besides Earth, this is the only planet we've been to. And...uh...actually, most of us have never even been to Earth. We lived on space stations that slowly killed us.
GEORDI: Sounds like fun...
DEVAN: But we really do have some entertainment here. We have these cool VR goggles that we snap on and they make pretty lights around our faces. We pretend we're ballroom dancing and stuff, until we accidentally smack into trees in the real world.
RIKER: Ah. I see. Well, you guys have to come to our ship and see our holodeck. No danger of trees there, and you don't even get eyestrain.
ALONZO: Hey, you think you're so hot, huh? I've been flying sleepships for ages, and they don't have any wimpy holodecks to bide the time. Nothin but you and the stars...
RIKER: Finally, someone I can talk to. You must have had some exciting times, zipping in and out of solar systems, engaging in heated space combat, darting thru -
ALONZO: Er...actually I just kind of slept thru all of my voyages. Suspended animation. You know.
RIKER: (backs up) Uh...yeah.
DEVON: We're really not all that boring. Honest! My son, Uli, is the next step in human evolution. Say hi Uli, but be careful!
ULI: Hi! I can communicate with aliens and make dead bones rattle. Aren't I cool?
GEORDI: Some big step. We have this kid Wesley who can travel thru other planes of reality just by thinking about it.
DEVON: Well...uh...you'd think much more of us when you say the kind of bad guys we fight.
WORF: Enemies to fight? Finally! In my days on the ENTERPRISE I have grappled with shape shifting monsters, Romulan spies, unstoppable cyborg armies of the Borg, Cardassian torturers, nigh-omnipotent Qs...
DEVON: Wow. Er. Well...we have Tim Curry!
ALL ENTERPRISE CREW: TIM CURRY????
TIM CURRY: Haha! Yes! It is I! (kills nameless security guard - hey, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later). And now I shall destroy you all!
RIKER: (laughing) THIS is your bad guy? Dr. Frank N' Furter?
TIM CURRY: Hey, I was also the bellboy in Home Alone Two!
RIKER: (yawns). Worf.....
WORF: Bah. He is barely worth the effort. (Unsheathes his Bat'Leh and decapitates Tim Curry before anyone can blink)
DEVON: Oh. Why didn't we think of that? (Screams) Oh no! It's Tim Curry's army of Grindlers, come to avenge his death! Be careful!
RIKER: Phasers out everyone. Data, what do we know about Grindlers?
DATA: They are large hulking baby faced oaflike lifeforms that spit a lot and like to deal.
RIKER: Deal? That gives me an idea...(taps communicator and whispers something)
<<<<<FLASH OF TRANSPORTER LIGHT AND QUARK APPEARS>>>
QUARK: Did somebody say...DEAL?
(Quark goes over to Grindlers and starts fast-talking, they go off together and minutes later the sound of Grindlers shouting "DABO!" can be heard in the distance as Quark starts piling up the latinum)
GEORDI: Hmph. Big threat.
DEVAN: (points to Troi) Hey, does she talk or is she just window dressing?
TROI: No, I'm busy sensing. There are only three attractive females in your group; one is married, and another is a traitor.
RIKER: Boy, those're slim pickings. On the ENTERPRISE Troi, Crusher, Ro, and I guess Gunian too are all free and up for grabs. OW! (falls down as Troi phasers him)
DR. HELLER: Yes, you discovered me, I am a traitor! But I am only part of a whole conspiracy to destroy this group. How's THAT for drama?
GEORDI: Well, we know how to deal with conspiracies. You check the back of the neck for a gill frond, and then find the mother creature and phaser her to death. Like this! (he and Worf fire, Heller vaporizes). Any more "threats?"
ALONZO: Well...there are the Terrians. They move underground and give us bad dreams.
DATA: I am scanning under the surface...yes...there are life forms here.
TROI: PAIN! I sense pain! You are destroying their egg nodules! You must stop mining underground and they will leave you alone.
DEVON: Oh. Why didn't we think of that?
GEORDI: We've had experience with this kind of thing before.
ALONZO: Ok, ok, you all think you're soooo cool with that android. Well, we have an android too.
ZERO: Hello. I am an android.
DATA: Intriguing. Have you ever met your creator as I have?
ZERO: Negative.
DATA: I am unique. How many are there like you?
ZERO: Hundreds. Zero units are mass produced.
DATA: Are any of them evil sociopaths like my brother?
ZERO: Negative.
DATA: Can you feel emotions with a special chip as I can?
ZERO: Negative.
DATA: Do you have a pet cat as I do?
ZERO: Negative.
DATA: Did you ever have a girlfriend, as I have had several?
ZERO: Negative.
DATA: Then I am curious. What DO you do here?
ZERO: I lug things around. But I stop when Devon tells me to be careful.
DATA: I see. Most intriguing.
ALONZO: Well look at these cool trucks of ours. Don't you admit it's a neat way to get around?
GEORDI: Yay. We have a SHIP. I love my ship. Sigh. I have to. I can't find a girl.
DANZINGER: I had one but she died. Now I lust after Devon but she gives me the cold shoulder. Except when she tells me to be careful.
GEORDI: (pats him on back). Yup. I had a holodeck girlfriend but even that didn't work out. I guess some things are constants everywhere. Engineers never get the babes.
ALONZO: Yeah? Well, you guys killed of the lady I was interested in! (whips out rifle). You have to admit we have MUCH bigger GUNS that you do! (Aims)
GEORDI: Uh...that's true. (Quickly taps badge) Quick! Beam us out of here!
<<<THEY DISAPPEAR>>>
(Back on the ENTERPRISE Bridge)
RIKER: (Now awake) You want big GUNS, huh? Worf, fire a torpedo spread!
(ENTERPRISE fires, Eden colony gets wiped off the face of Earth Two)
PICARD: Whew. I'm glad that's over. Number One, notify Starfleet Command that the planet has been cleansed of the parasitic, boring creatures that once inhabited it and is ready for colonization by INTELLIGENT life forms.
RIKER: Aye, sir. Helm, set course for the FOX Network, maximum warp. And DON'T be careful. Plow thru anything in our way. Exercise MINIMUM caution, understood? Whew. Good.
PICARD: Engage!
(pump the Star Trek music)
-The End-
If you want to see more adventures of the ENTERPRISE crew showing up other cheap knock-off scifi shows, send me some EMAIL!
SKIOLD@AOL.COM
This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.