IRREVERSIBLE STEPS
By
Doc Heller

Timeline: At New Pacifica
Author's E-Mail: DrHellar@aol.com

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Here is the story I've been working on, on and off, for the past couple of months. Every time I go back to look at it I make changes and last night I realized if I ever wanted to post it, I needed to take a step back and just read it through, without making one change. I did that and then went back to make several changes.

However this morning I did the same thing, and surprise, surprise--for the first time the only changes I made were spelling and punctuation. So, before I change my mind again, I bring you Irreversible Steps.

**Author's Notes**
To begin with, this story takes on a darker note. It also tends to jump around a lot, but please stick with it until the end. There are many people I would like to thank, but first and foremost I would like to thank Inga. Inga, you caught all the little mistakes I never would have found and shed a new light on this story. Everyone else who helped: Vicky, AJ, Claire, Dawn, Jani, Anna, Maxine and Debbie--you all voiced my worst fears and gave me your honest-to-god opinion. AJ, thank you for the great ending idea. :) And finally Rosa, thank you for putting the pressure on me. Thanx for reading it over guys--this is the hardest story I've written to date.
This story centers around Julia and Alonzo. I hope you enjoy and send all feedback to Dr Hellar@aol.com.
-Doc Heller

Irreversible Steps
Doc Heller

"Don't look back,
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because,
Life is short
And before you know,
You're feeling old and your heart is breaking
Don't hold onto the past
Well, that's too much to ask."

-Madonna, This Used to Be My Playground

"I can't do this."
"Do what?"
"I can't stay here. I love you, but I can't *not* fly. I can't stay here." The words echoed in Julia Heller's mind. Her heart was torn. In two days the colony ship would arrive and in a week Alonzo Solace would leave her forever. And with him would go her heart.
It had been inevitable ever since they reached New Pacifica. Cabin fever, only this time Alonzo couldn't look forward to travel again. He was stationary. Scouting trips didn't help, he always returned to the same place. Julia had noticed, but had tried not to let her fears rise. Her fears that Alonzo wouldn't be able to cope with just living. That he would fly away. Then he had dropped the bomb today. She had been organizing medical files for the recently completed hospital when he had just walked in and shattered her dreams. She had tried to remain calm, but it was so hard. Any other time she would turn to Alonzo for support, but she couldn't now. She wouldn't be able to reach for his strength in a week. In a week, it would be just like before. Just like she had originally planned. The secret dreams of becoming Mrs. Solace, having a family, building a life with him had all come to a halt.
So now here she was, using her shields as her support. It surprised her how weak they had become. Had she really depended on Alonzo that much? Why did he have to leave? Why? Promises made were now promises broken. Her soulmate was leaving and taking part of her with him.

Alonzo helped John Danziger put up another small house for one of the soon to be arriving Syndrome families. They worked in silence, which was exactly what Alonzo wanted. He didn't need to hear how much he would be missed or be asked why. He needed time to think.
The desicion hadn't been an easy one. He loved Julia, but there were days he felt like he was about to go mad. He knew he might not, no, he definitely would not, find another woman like Julia. Once he was aboard that ship there would be no turning back for another fifty years. And by then, Julia would be an old woman.
He had tried to work things out. He even considered proposing to Julia. If he had proposed and she had accepted, he wouldn't have made the desicion he had. He had almost asked one night, but had never managed to work up the nerve. And the next morning he realized what he was doing was wrong. He couldn't stay here. He had to leave.
He tried to tell himself it was best for both of them. He would never be truly happy, and Julia would know. He would not put Julia through that. Yet he had seen the look on her face when he had told her about his leaving. He had felt her shields raise and he could almost see her heart break. If only she knew his was breaking as well.
Julia would forget him eventually and find someone else. She needed someone who would be happy and keep her happy. She needed someone who would never be wishing to be up in the stars.
Last night he had been so close to telling her he had been wrong. But she had already been asleep when he had come back and he didn't want to wake her. She had looked so beautiful, her golden hair down and her face peacefully calm. It was a face he would never forget. If only she could join him. But she wouldn't be happy. They belonged in two separate worlds. And neither was happy in the other's world.

Alonzo rushed off the craft. It had been 55 years. He missed her so. He missed everything about her. He should have stayed. He had to tell her he had been wrong.
But what if she had found someone else? Then he would remain quiet and congratulate her while his heart broke. He rushed to the cabin which they had shared. He didn't even stop to ask directions or look in awe at the large town. He just wanted to see her. As he ran up to the cabin, he noticed the door was locked and it looked relatively unkempt. Of course, she must have moved into another cabin. Why hadn't he thought of that?
"How many years has it been for you?"
Alonzo spun and saw an older woman standing there. At first he thought it was Julia, but he realized the woman was too young. This woman was in her 60s; Julia would be in her 80s.
"Excuse me?"
"How many years has it been for you? Two? Three?" Alonzo just stared at the woman. "Who are you?" The woman smiled. "Alonzo, I was part of Eden Advance. Surely you must remember me."
Who would be that young? No one, except, "True." "It took you long enough. You look exactly the same." Alonzo nodded. He had so many questions, but all he thought about was seeing the woman who had been his other half. "It's good to see you True. Where's Julia?"
True stared into Alonzo's eyes, her gaze never wavering, her voice strong. "In the graveyard. She died two years ago in her sleep. I'm sorry Alonzo. But you should know something. She never married. She never recovered after you left. She loved you Alonzo. She loved you more than any of us thought." Alonzo felt a pain stab through his heart. His love was gone. Why had he ever left? Why? Why?

Alonzo shot upright in bed and looked over, seeing Julia still beside him. Tomorrow he was leaving. Tomorrow there was no turning back. Tomorrow, forever ended.
This dream frightened him. Was tomorrow the last he would ever see of Julia? Would he come back to find her a frail old woman? Or would she be a whisper of the past?

Alonzo stood on the platform of the colony ship, getting in his last look at G 889 and the people he had come to know so well. Julia Heller was not among them. She had already said good bye.
Their good bye hadn't been emotional. It had been sad, but neither had been crying. Julia had her masked firmly in place and wasn't about to let it crack anytime soon.
It had broken Alonzo's heart, seeing her like this. He wanted to stay. But he couldn't. It was best for the both of them. They had to go their separate ways for their own good.
He turned suddenly and walked into the Colony ship. He wasn't going to look back. He knew if he looked back he would stay. If he looked back he would see only what he was leaving, not what was driving him away. What was driving him away? Alonzo wasn't sure he could answer that. It wasn't the Terrians, he had long ago accepted his place in their society. But as Uly grew older he would begin to play a smaller role. Was that it? Was he afraid of being cast off?
Or was he scared of taking that final ride? The ride Lydia had told him would be the best of his life. He told himself that wasn't it, that he wasn't leaving out of fear. But deep down, he wondered if that was it. Julia watched him leave from a secluded place in a nearby patch of trees. No one knew she was there, which was exactly how she wanted it. She wanted to run up to him to tell him to stay or that she would come as well. She loved him so much. She knew he had to leave in order to be happy, but it was so hard. No one would ever take Alonzo's place. He had told her he would never break her heart. What did he think he was doing now?

Julia walked back to her cabin that night, alone. No longer was it a haven of love and strength for her, now it was just a place to rest. She entered the small cabin and walked over to the bed, flopping down. He was really gone.
A void had opened inside of her. Her world had been thrown from orbit and couldn't get back on track. She used to be able to keep her world safe no matter what. But not since Alonzo had come into her life. He had saved her life. He had taught her love and how to depend on others. He had given her strength she had never known. She had stopped relying solely on herself and had allowed herself to become involved with him. She had thrown aside the walls and the rules because she had loved him. And look what had happened.
She needed him right now. She needed his strength and love. She had forgotten how to survive on her own. Even when he hadn't been near she knew he would be there eventually.
Everything that she had become over the past two years was slowly unraveling. Alonzo had left her and taken with him a part of her. All she had left was medicine.
God she missed him. She closed her eyes and imagined for a moment what it would be like to open them and find him standing in the doorway. Find him telling her it was all just a bad dream. Assuring her he would never leave her.
Julia opened her eyes and was greeted by loneliness. The peg where his leather coat and tags usually hung was empty. The room seemed so empty. All of his drawers were empty. His side of the bed was clean. It was as if he had died.
But he had died to her. He was never coming back. The emptiness overwhelmed her. I should have gone, she told herself. If I had gone we would have been together. If only I hadn't stayed.

-The End-



This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.