WHEN GOODBYE MEANS FOREVER
By
Doc Hellar
Timeline: After "All About Eve" (Day 150)
Author's E-Mail: DrHellar@aol.com
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Well, after a great deal of thinking and wondering I decided to just go ahead and post this story. And yes, this is a Julia story. -Doc HellerYes, this is another Heller sibling story, but I will tell you right now it takes on a different tone. I've had this idea since May (before I knew any other of these stories existed) and it has gone under several rewrites, three different plots and was given up as hopeless many times. Finally in mid November I thought up this plotline and I am fairly happy with it.
Hope you enjoy, and send all feedback/comments to Dr Hellar@aol.com. -Doc Heller
When Goodbye Means Forever
Jennifer Heller was small. She looked much younger than her twelve years. She was at an age where most girls would be daydreaming about boys, romance and their up and coming teenage years. Jennifer Heller didn't. Jennifer Heller was Jennifer Heller. Her size was deceiving, for while she looked about ten, she had a mind of a twenty year old. Jennifer Heller's cloths were very plain and adult like. Her blonde hair was always swept up in a plain bun and her face a stolid mask. Her face was more stolid than any twelve year old's should ever be. Her blue eyes had no warmth, no feeling. They were icy blue eyes that more than made up for her height. Those blue eyes got her the name 'Ice Princess.' Jennifer Heller was as emotionless as any human, child or adult, could be. Except when around one person. One person that understood her situation. One person who cared about her. One person out of millions who really loved her. One person named Julia Heller.
Jennifer Heller walked down the hallway that would eventually open up into the school she attended quietly. She was as usual involved with her thoughts. Thoughts of tests and homework and school. Jennifer was so intent on walking she didn't even see who was coming. If she had she would have gotten far out of his way. Upon collesion, Jennifer stumbled, but managed to stay standing. "Well, well if it isn't the Ice Princess herself. Tell me Your Majesty, freeze anyone else today?" Matthew Jacobs asked the young Heller sarcastically.
Jennifer stammered and sighed. She hated these confrontations. She really, really hated them. She wasn't good at standing up for herself. So instead of replying she just looked down and waited for Matthew to get bored and walk off.
"What? Am I not good enough for you? Miss Heller, daughter of one of the most successful Councilmembers, talk to me? I should have known. Well excuse me Miss Heller," Matthew told the small girl with more than an edge of annoyance in his voice. He walked off, thinking Jennifer didn't respond because she thought herself too good for the likes of him. Little did he know it was because she was scared. He was so popular...and she was so, well, friendless.
Jennifer walked into her family's quarters absolutely exhausted. She started to trudge up to her room, when she was stopped by a familiar voice. Sighing, she stopped for a moment before continuing up the stairs. Upon entering her room she sat down on her bed, and picked up a small padd that held the story she was currently reading.
Julia Heller, who would not be defeated that easily, walked into Jennifer's room unannounced and sat down acrossed from Jennifer. "So you want to tell me what's wrong?" "Not really."
"Jennifer..."
"Listen I just had a bad day. Haven't you ever had a bad day?" "Yes...do you want to talk about it?" "No, I do not. Don't you have something to be doing?" "No. Jennifer, I am the only person who will listen. It's me or no one." Jennifer looked up and finally decided maybe her sister had a point. "Nothing bad happened...I just had a really boring day." Julia gave her sister a look and realized that was as far as Jennifer would go. Sighing to herself she got up and walked out of the room. Jennifer watched her sister go, but soon returned to reading her book.
Jennifer arrived at dinner late that night, much to the disapproval of her mother. She quickly seated herself at her customary place and began to eat. The meal was, as usual, silent, with no conversation or any other sign to suggest these three were a family. Jennifer occasionally looked over at her mother, who never ceased to amaze her in some strange way. Katherine Heller was the ideal Councilmember. She was powerful and knew how to wield that power. But most importantly, the Council came first and foremost for Katherine Heller. Not even family could get in the way of her duty to the Council.
Jennifer sometimes wished she had a real family. No, just a real mother. Julia was a real sister, or as real as their mother allowed. Though when Katherine wasn't around her daughters tended to be much more caring and open to each other. They were each other's supports. The only other person in the universe who understood the other.
Julia and Jennifer were very similar. They both had dark blond hair and icy blue eyes, as did their mother, but that wasn't what made them so similar. Maybe it was because they were both chromotilts--skewed toward the same profession and art. Or maybe it was being a daughter of a Council member. Or maybe, though the girls had never admitted it, it was because they had been forced to be emotionless from almost the beginning of their existance. Forced to constantly wear the mask that made the Hellers everything. Wear the mask that prevented them from ever having normal lives. Julia and Jennifer were close. They were close for a combination of the reasons that made them similar. They were close because without the other their life would involve nothing more than the Council.
"Julia, can talk to you?"
Julia looked up from a textbook to see her sister standing in the doorway. She gave her sister a small smile and motioned for her to come in. Jennifer sat down on Julia's bed and looked around the room for a few minutes. Finally, unable to withstand it any longer Julia dared to ask, "What's wrong?"
Jennifer locked eyes with her sister and Julia was startled to see the emotion there. The usual iciness was gone, replaced with emotions Julia could only begin to guess at. Seeing her like this, brought almost the exact emotions to her eyes as well. "Jennifer.... what happened?" "You know that new study program that started two years ago at the Alpha Scientific Base?"
"Yes, of course. The Council decided not to send me because they felt my skills should be used here."
"Well, they don't think that about me. Mother just sent me a message saying I'm leaving for the base in two months and I'll be the youngest member going."
Julia stared at her sister. "What?"
"I'm studying there. The next transport out there is in two months...and I'm going on it. I'll be there for nine years." Julia felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. Jennifer was barely thirteen and already leaving to start her Medical training for the Council. Julia had begun her training over five years ago, when she had been fourteen, and she had been passed up for studying there because of her age. Now Jennifer was going to that Base and Julia couldn't do anything. Jennifer, even though Julia would never tell her, had managed to keep a good amount of her young innocence through the years. Julia knew it was because she was the younger sibling, and she often envied Jennifer for it. Jennifer was going to lose that innocence so fast at that base. When she came back she would be an adult, not this small innocent looking child sitting on Julia's bed right now.
Julia was snapped back into reality when she saw Jennifer's haunted look. It suddenly registered to Julia how terrified her sister must be. She was being unwillingly pulled out of home into the real world so fast and so quickly. But the worst part was, she would be all alone.
The following week their mother was off station for several meetings, so Jennifer was a bit more emotional than she would have been had their mother been there. Of course, if anyone was over or they were out in public her mask was in place and nothing was wrong.
At night Julia frequently woke up to the muffled sounds of her sister's sobs. She tried to comfort Jennifer but found it hard. How was she supposed to comfort her sister's emotions when she was scared herself? So she would hug her sister and tell her everything would be fine. Jennifer would soon calm down and fall back asleep, but Julia found it hard. Jennifer had believed Julia so easily it scared Julia. Julia constantly lay awake wondering how Jennifer would survive. How she would coop with the sudden change from the Council being her life to medicine? How would she, Julia, survive?
As Jennifer's departure date drew closer, she managed to partially recover. Most of it was due to the fact Katherine Heller was back from the meetings. There were no more tears and Jennifer acted like everything was fine. Julia was amazed at her sister's ability to cover her emotions so well and found it a good example. Although she found Jennifer had become unusually 'clingy' to her; wanting to spend time with her whenever possible. Julia naturally did spend time with Jennifer, for she enjoyed the time spent together as well.
Julia and Jennifer walked through the small shopping area together, leisurely looking for nothing in particular. They were about to go home when Jennifer spotted a new shop and the two decided to go it. The store, called Memories in Silver, was a jewelry store specializing in silver jewelry. The girls looked around and were about to leave when Julia spotted something.
"Jennifer, look at these."
Jennifer looked at what her sister was pointing at and found it to be silver rings.
Good byes had been said. Jennifer had left early yesterday morning. The good bye had not been what Julia intended, for it had been emotionless and starch, as if they were only saying good night. Julia had not gone down to the port with Jennifer. She had just remained in their quarters, thinking about how much she missed her sister already. Julia had spent most of her day watching the 'vid and noticing the time she flipped to a channel that specialized in old comedies. It always managed to uplift her spirits and she could use a definite uplift now.
As she began to relax and enjoy the old show the screen flashed red, alerting the viewer of an important Council announcement. Julia sat up and turned up the volume. A blond newscastor, looking relatively frazzled, was standing at one of the maintance docks. "We are sorry to interrupt your programming choice, but what could be called one the worst ship collesions in Station history has just occured." Julia leaned forward and checked the clock. Jennifer's ship had launched three hours ago. Julia relaxed slightly, but still found herself squeezing her right thumb, which held the new silver ring purchased just a week ago. "The collesion occured an hour ago, between an incoming cargo ship and an outgoing passenger ship. Both ships were at the edge of Station monitoring systems and crews arrived at the sight a half hour ago." Julia found a sudden feeling a dread rising in her stomach. She pushed it down, reminding herself just how many passenger ships left the Station daily. Still, she found herself changing to another channel. The sight that greeted her was the exact same one she had just left. Sighing, she continued to listen.
"...Repair crews have reported there have been no survivors found yet and survivors are unlikely. That would bring the death toll for this accident to over 300.
"The cargo ship was carrying various maintance parts and other such things for Station use. The passenger ship was destined for Alpha Scientific Base..."
Julia couldn't hear anymore. She knew all she needed to know. She felt emotions she didn't even know she had rising from within her. Pain and grief swept through her and a huge black void opened up inside of her. But still something told her not to lose it here. Not when her mother could walk in and find her like this. Julia ran upstairs, but instead of to her room, into Jennifer's.
There was a memorial service. Not that it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Those nine years which once seemed so long suddenly seemed short. Now those nine years were an eternity. Julia wanted those nine years back. Katherine Heller for once allowed Julia slack. For that Julia was grateful. If she had had to keep that mask up, she would have exploded. Katherine kept her mask, though she did find it cracking slightly at times. All her training, all her power, seemed somehow useless. She felt grief, though not as deep as Julia's. Family had always come second in her life, and she found herself wishing for a second chance. But instead of trying to make a difference with Julia, she simply buried the feelings and wrapped herself up in even more Council tape.
Julia shortly after moved out of the family's quarters into her own. The night before leaving she had had the strangest dream, one that had left her with even more grief than before.
The dream had been so real. Jennifer had been there, only not the Jennifer she knew. A grown up Jennifer, a Jennifer that had emotions, but most importantly a Jennifer who had found her place. When Julia had woke, she found herself going into Jennifer's room, as if expecting to see Jennifer in bed, sleeping. Instead Julia saw only memories and shattered dreams.
The next morning Julia took with her not only her own possesions, but several of Jennifer's. Julia soon found she was glad she had, a few weeks later all of Jennifer's things were sold and her room turned into a study.
Three and a half years later.
Julia was packing and leaving the place which had been hers for the past few years. She was leaving the Stations. These Stations that seemed to hold Jennifer's heart and soul. So many times Julia turned a corner and thought she saw Jennifer standing there. Or would wake up, swearing she heard Jennifer calling out to her.
And the dreams came as well. Dreams of Jennifer still alive. Each time the grief Julia found buried back with her. Julia hoped they wouldn't follow her. Hoped they would stay here.
Julia at times wished she could start over on this new planet as well, instead of being the Council's contact. But that would be impossible. She was Julia Heller and had no choice but to obey.
"Julia?"
Julia turned and saw Jennifer, exactly how she always was in the dreams. No, this dream was different. Jennifer looked like an adult, but Julia could tell she couldn't be over eighteen or nineteen. "What? Is something wrong?" Jennifer asked, a smile on her face. Smile lines creased her face, something she had never had back on the Stations. Julia cleared her throat and spoke, "Jennifer, you're dead." "Am I?" Jennifer questioned. Then the smile vanished and a more serious look crossed her face. "You know Julia, I thought you were above Mother. I never once thought you would try and shut me out, forget me, like Mother did. Then again, you two are so alike. Both so anxious to please the Council. Please don't shut me out Julia. You need me on that planet. You need me to watch out for you. To help you."
Julia stood, speechless, staring at this person. This person couldn't be Jennifer. Jennifer was quiet, never outspoken. Julia voiced her opinion and the Jennifer dream image smiled.
"Don't be so sure."
The dream slowly faded, as had the others for the past years. But this dream would remain with Julia. For it was the last one she had while in cold sleep, and the most vivid.
Julia slipped away from camp, glad to have a few moments alone to herself. Only a few weeks on this planet, but already it had changed her considerably. The thought of what she eventually had to do weighed heavily on her conscious.
*I thought you were above Mother...*
The dream still hung with Julia. She tried so hard to shake it, but it hurt. Jennifer had been just as loyal to the Council as Julia had, if not even more so. Julia tried to reason, after all it was only a dream. Probably just her subconscious's way of dealing with her then hidden doubts of what she was supposed to do. And Jennifer had been picked... That was the one thing that made Julia's solution imperfect. How did her subconscious pick Jennifer?
Julia sat in the tent alone. They had left her, they had really left her. She felt so alone; so lost. How long could she last out here alone? Everytime she closed her eyes, she heard Jennifer's voice. *You need me on that planet. You need me to watch out for you. To help you.* Julia wanted to scream. Just scream for the heck of it. But more than anything part of her wanted to scream out, 'Well Jennifer? I tried as hard as I could not to shut you out and you didn't seem to help me very much...' Julia knew she couldn't blame Jennifer for what had happened. It had been her own doing. The ring on her right thumb felt like a burden. Like a symbol of lost dreams. But mostly it reminded her of Jennifer. That dream Jennifer had seemed so real. Julia closed her eyes and pictured that version of Jennifer. Even though it didn't help her grief, it still somehow brought some of herself to peace. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.
Julia was dreaming. She knew she was dreaming. But she wished this dream was real.
Julia turned in circles and realized in this dream she was standing right outside the very tent she was sleeping in. She sat down on a log in the sight and just closed her eyes, wishing this once peaceful dream would end. "So now you're blaming me."
Julia's eyes shot open and she turned to see Jennifer standing there. It was the first extremely clear look Julia had had of this dream girl. Jennifer looked radiant, alive. She wasn't so small anymore, in fact Julia realized with a tinge of jealousy she was probably slightly taller than herself. Her blonde hair was swept back in a ponytail, pieces loose here and there. Her face had an amused expression on it and her eyes... Julia almost started crying seeing her sister's eyes. Those icy gems were anything but icy. They had life in them, a twinkle Julia never would have associated with her sister. Those blue eyes held mystery, yet were at the same time open and caring.
Before Julia could scrutinize her sister anymore, Jennifer spoke. "Surprised to see me?"
Julia nodded and found herself feeling rather foolish. She quickly looked down at the ground, as if to avoid her sister's gaze. Jennifer smiled a knowingly smile, a smile missed by her intended audience. "Ah...the ever present Heller Avoidance Gaze. I would have thought you got rid of it years ago. I certainly did."
Julia stared up at her sister and said the one thing she wished she hadn't. "Jennifer, you're dead."
Jennifer rolled her eyes, but when she spoke her voice sounded hurt. "Must we go through this again? Yes, I am dead. Out there. But in here," Jennifer said, pointing to Julia's head, "I am very much alive." Julia nodded, finally understanding what Jennifer was getting at. She felt a sudden wave of grief sweep over her and her voice almost broke, "Jennifer, I wish you were still alive."
Jennifer sat down next to her sister, her eyes hollow and empty. "I wish I was too. But that doesn't mean we still can't talk. and don't even start with the 'you're-not-a-real-person' routine. That only guarentees I won't tell anyone else.
"Julia, believe it or not, I'm disappointed in you. Finally finding a family and then losing it to the Council! I would have thought you knew better!" "I thought I knew better too. Now all hope of my ever having a life is gone."
Jennifer nodded slowly, remaing quiet, her eyes fixed on a small stone embedded in the ground. When she spoke her voice was exactly like her eyes. "Don't be so sure Julia. Just exercise a bit more caution next time. You still have your whole life in front of you." Julia nodded and felt her wish for Jennifer to still be alive strengthen. Thoughts like if only Jennifer was still alive...Or if only Jennifer was part of Eden Project, if only I was still a part of Eden Project, floated through her mind. Julia had completely forgotten this was a dream, because it seemed so real. When she reached out to give her sister a hug, she found her sister walking away into the brush. Julia stood and shouted, "Jennifer, please don't leave me! Please not again!"
All that greeted Julia was silence. No looks back, nothing. Her sister seemed to fade into the blackness, leaving Julia alone in the dream. A few moments later Julia awoke on the small cot, feeling even more alone than before.
Julia sat on the ridge, away from the Bennett's ship, that ship that had become Devon's tomb. She had not told anyone where she was going, she had just begun walking and found herself on the far side of a ridge. The past few days had been like a nightmare. The sickness, Eben dying, the discovery of this ship, healing themselves, Devon falling ill...Julia just want to scream. She felt so helpless, all of her training hadn't been able to do anything.
Funny how Julia always remembered Jennifer at the darkest times. Maybe because this was so similar at the basic levels. Watching someone you considered a close friend, dying, and being unable to do anything. It reminded Julia of a poem she had once read about being encased in a glass sphere, unable to help only able to watch. Julia vowed she would not let Devon die. Vowed she would not end up watching their leader die because she couldn't rise to the task. Vowed... "Julia, are you all right?"
Julia turned and saw Alonzo standing there behind her, concern etched all over his face.
"Yes Alonzo, I'm fine. I was just thinking," Julia told him. She knew how worried Alonzo was, but right now she needed to be alone. Alonzo stood there for a few moments longer watching her, waiting for response to what was really bothering her. If it had been Devon she would have been trying to find a cure, not sitting up here. As she heard Alonzo's footsteps retreat she could have sworn she heard her sister's voice.
*Don't lose him Julia. You can't afford to lose him. Follow him, be with him. Remember what happened with me. Remember that sometimes eternity is cut short. Sometimes, goodbye is forever.*-The End-
This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.