Andy's Fan-Fiction Archive

KOBA-TV CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
By
John White

Timeline: Time Unknown
Author's E-Mail: johnw@umsa.umd.edu

KOBA-TV Christmas Special by
John White <johnw@umsa.umd.edu>

ACT 0:

INTRODUCTION

YALE History has shown the making of Christmas specials to be an uncertain, perhaps even hazardous, enterprise. Some have succeeded, most have been forgotten, and a few we cannot forget no matter how hard we try.

The Aeon Flux Christmas Special was indescribable -- literally. After several decades of medium-priority background queue processing by my library routines I still cannot tell you what it was about.

(My apologies, incidentally, for ending the last sentence with a preposition. Please, I implore you, do not tell my students Uly and True.)

Even more bizarre was the Christmas special "Silent Night of the Lambs". Its high point -- if that is the correct term -- was reached in the kitchen, where Hannibal Lechter showed guest star Martha Stewart how to cook fresh liver in a fine Chianti sauce. In return, she showed him how to make Christmas tree ornaments and decorative planters out of what remained of his victim.

"A Toy Story Christmas" fared much better. In it, the figurines in a Nativity set were knocked off of a shelf, and had to battle their way past evil Power Ranger dolls, a hideous green and purple dinosaur, and its henchman to resume their posts in the creche by Christmas morning. This special was immensely popular; however, Buzz Lightyear's rallying cry of "To Gethsemane and Beyond!" was lost not only on the Christ Child figurine, but also on the viewers.

No, there was not "A Toy Story Easter", although MTV did televise a concert by the musical ensembles Nine Inch Nails, Hammer, and The Rolling Stones, billing it as "a really lousy way to spend your Easter weekend".

The Madeleine Murray O'Hare Christmas Special, by the producers of "Bambi vs. Godzilla", was mercifully short.

In a similar vein, "The Ayn Rand Objectivist Christmas" was ideologically amusing. No character in it would accept a gift from any other, considering doing so a violation of their personal autonomy and self-dedication.

It was a sad day indeen when, on his 127th birthday, the television networks finally admitted that Bob Hope had been computer-generated for the last 40 years ... and that significant portions of Brooke Shields always had been.

In the final analysis, two specials sink far below the rest in terms of absolute atrocity.

One needs no explanation: "The 1995 Federal Workers' Very Lengthy and Unwanted Christmas Holiday", a joint production of the US House of Representatives and the US Executive Branch.

The other, of course, was "The Lawrence Brothers Christmas".

The "We-Take-Special-Medication-to-Inhibit-Puberty Lawrence Brothers Christmas".

The "We're-Not-the-Partridge-Family, We're-the-Peacock-Family Lawrence Brothers Christmas".

The "Mr-Yale-It's-Time-for-Your-Insulin-Hypospray Lawrence Brothers Christmas".

The "Don't-Let-Your-Nine-Year-Old-Daughters-Watch-or-They-MightWant -a-Poster-of-the-Lawrence-Brothers-for-Their-Bedroom-WallBecause -They're-SOOOOOO-CUTE Christmas".

The "My-*GOD*-WARREN-LITTLEFIELD-WHAT-WERE-YOU-THINKING-OR-AREYOU -EVEN-CAPABLE-OF-IT LAWRENCE BROTHERS CHRISTMAS"!

THE "I-WOULD-GLEEFULLY-SHOOT-THE-LAWRENCE-BROTHERS-EVEN-IF-THEYWERE -RADICAL-BIOLOGISTS-----

Yale's face goes blank for a couple of seconds, then he blinks and returns to complete composure.

Sorry. It would appear that my cybernetic implants have averted an emotional overload.

At any rate, the members of the Eden Advance team realize the dangers involved, and the unlikelihood of success.

But since when has that ever stopped us? I say, On with the Show!

And Alonzo, *don't* break a leg.

Meanwhile, watching KOBA-TV in his blue virtual space, Reilly listens to Yale's introduction with jealousy and distaste. He is so upset that his imaging routines project a mustache on only one side of his face.

REILLY So ... They plan a Christmas special, and they don't invite me. My GEAR transmission surveillance indicates that they did not even *think* about inviting me.

Okay, okay, that's what I'd expect from most of them.

But not Julia.

Citizen Heller, fellow member of the Council, how could you forget me at Christmas time?

Well, I may be stuck here in orbit around G889, but I still have my contacts, Council and otherwise.

We'll see if they can hold a Christmas special without me.

Reilly turns to the camera and points with a long, bony index finger.

KOBA-TV will be right back.

And I'll be watching.

THE RECORDED VOICE OF DEBRAH FARENTINO And now back to KOBA-TV.

ACT 1:

GOOD GUESTS, GOOD FOOD

Bess is sitting in a rocking chair in her tent, rocking an infant with a suspiciously wide flat forehead, little beady eyes, and a strange complexion. The infant is clutching a small silver spoon in one hand as he/she/it sleeps.

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
How in the name of Gaal did a *rocking chair* get onto the set?

Julia enters, DiaGloved.

BESS (smiling) Here to check on my little bundle of joy?

JULIA (talking as she scans) Bess, only *you* could refer to a 25-pound delivery as a *little* bundle of *JOY*.

BESS (frowning) Yeah ... It's so *hard* what this planet does to you.

JULIA I'm somewhat worried about your little bundle's complexion. The readings I get from the skin are rather ... odd.

BESS (worried) Yes. I see what you mean ... but I'm sure that some Noxema will take care of it.

Julia exits.

Once she does, Bess drops her act to reveal a dreamy-eyed smile.

BESS //: I'm dreaming of a wide Grendler //: Just like the one I used to know. //: With his mouth a-drooling, //: He'll come a-Yule-ing, //: With bagfulls of goodies, in the snow. ://

//: I'm dreaming of a wide Grendler //: When I turn on my LumaLight. //: Keep your flatware shiny and bright //: And a Grendler might visit you tonight. ://

The camera pulls back through the tent flap, to show Morgan uncomfortably watching his wife and new child from outside.

MORGAN //: Grendler roasting on an open fire; //: Grendler we shot in a cave. //: A big piece of meat puts me back on my feet -- //: It's that taste of Grendler that I crave! ://

//: Everybody knows that Grendler is an acquired taste, //: But you'll be happy when you do. //: So next time that you feast, cook a big Grendler beast -- //: One'll feed the whole crew! ://

The *Former* NBC Choir [guess what happened to them?] enters from all sides of the perimeter, past Walman, who is on guard. He does not awaken, of course.

CHOIR //: Everybody knows that Grendler tastes like chicken meat, //: But you can't get it from Perdue. //: So have Julia fillet you a big plate today --

MORGAN (looking menacingly at his child) //: Here's some Grendler for you! ://

Morgan steps into the tent. He tries to approach Bess, but the choir is already streaming into the tent in front of him, and they push him out of the way.

CHOIR //: Silverware, silverware, //: It's Christmas time for the Grendlers! //: Silverware, silverware, //: Soon they will take it away! ://

MORGAN (whining from the side) //: In the DuneRail and the 'Rover, //: Up the hills and back down, //: Everywhere there's a faint smell of *GRENDLER*. //: For our bundles and our boxes //: They are hunting us down! //: And if they could talk, here's what they'd say: ://

CHOIR //: Silverware, silverware, //: It's Christmas time for the Grendlers! //: Silverware, silverware, //: Soon they will take it away! ://

MORGAN //: We know our equipment's status //: When there's drool on the ground: //: "Safe" with kleptomaniacal *GRENDLERS*. //: They take food and they take med-kits //: And one follows me around!

BESS (critically) //: And about every two klicks you say: ://

MORGAN (singing at his best, because he knows Mary Brick is watching) //: Silverware --

CHOIR //: Silverware!

MORGAN //: Silverware --

CHOIR //: Silverware! //: It's Christmas time for the Grendlers!

MORGAN (spoken over the choir) ... every night and every day ...

CHOIR //: Silverware,

MORGAN ... making my life a living Hell ...

CHOIR //: Silverware,

MORGAN ... tearing my clothes off and drooling on me ...

BESS (angelically) What's so bad about that, Morgan?

Morgan goes white as a sheet, and everyone freezes.

MORGAN (voice cracking) //: Somebody *take me AWAY*! ://

THE RECORDED VOICE OF CLANCY BROWN KOBA-TV will return.

ANNOUNCER The KOBA-TV Christmas Special is brought to you by SPAM -- literally!

THE RECORDED VOICE OF DEBRAH FARENTINO

And now back to KOBA-TV.

ACT 2:

TRUE ZERO TOLERANCE

TRUE //: O Terrian, O Terrian, //: I want to fire your lightning staff. //: O Terrian, O Terrian, //: I want to fire your lightning staff. //: Its glowing bolts can light the night //: And turn rock into Morganite. //: O Terrian, O Terrian, //: Do you think I'm ready? ://

//: O Terrian, O Terrian, //: I want to fire your lightning staff. //: O Terrian, O Terrian, //: I want to fire your lightning staff. //: If Uly could, then I can too, //: Just show me how and what to do! //: O Terrian, O Terrian --

ULY //: Does it use Eveready? ://

TRUE Uly! This is my song!

ULY No it isn't! It's about Terrians, so it's my song!

TRUE Dad!

ULY Mom!

DEVON (running in) Uly!

JOHN (running in) True!

YALE (walking in) Devon?

MORGAN (running into Yale) Bess!

JAMES T. KIRK KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

CAMERON (in his first speaking role!) Where'd he come from?!

YALE Sorry. I believe that Mr. *Martin* activated my HoloGrip when he collided with me. Before our local disturbance came to pass I had been watching an old movie, one of many based on an old television series described as a "wagon train to the stars" and foolishly cancelled by the less than visionary executives of an even-then anachronistic television network. Eventually that series grew to become more popular than any combination of their highest rated programs.

Imagine that.

ZERO I can sing quite well.

Everyone stops and stares at Zero.

JOHN What?

ZERO I can sing quite well.

JOHN Prove it. Sing us something.

ZERO I will use an excellent voice Yale downloaded from his library into mine.

I will sing a short song Julia taught me. She said I should sing it to everyone, as frequently as possible.

THE VOICE OF PLACIDO DOMINGO (as synthesized by Zero) //: 'Lonzo, 'Lonzo, give me your answer true. //: Just what went on as Mary rode here with you? //: This planet's short on confessors -- //: I hope you're on suppressors. //: And you're conplete-ly cold dead meat //: If I find she played "doc" with you! ://

DEVON (grimacing) I think I'd better find Julia.

JOHN (smiling knowingly) And I'd better find Alonzo.

Everyone exits, except Zero, who continues obliviously.

ZERO //: Mary, have yourself a little Christmas ... ://

JOHN (from off-camera) Zero, shut up and follow me!

ZERO (following) I am excellent at shutting up.

THE RECORDED VOICE OF CLANCY BROWN KOBA-TV will return.

ANNOUNCER The KOBA-TV Christmas Special is brought to you by Depends Undergarments -- because, after the next section, there won't be a dry seat in the house!

THE RECORDED VOICE OF DEBRAH FARENTINO

And now back to KOBA-TV.

ACT 3:

SOLACE AMONG FRIENDS

("The Dreaded Serious Scene")

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
No Christmas special is complete without one!

Alonzo sits on the edge of a butte overlooking a snowy valley. Below him, the landscape glows reflectively in the light of the dual moons. His Terrian friend stands behind him, monolithic and silent as always.

The Terrian tilts his head to listen as Alonzo sings.

ALONZO //: Can't land the ship, three pods are slowly falling ... //: It was the night we found our second Earth. //: Thought I disgraced, a failure among pilots, //: 'Til I stepped out and saw all it was worth:

//: A miracle of grass and flowers blooming, //: A rain of petals floating in the air;

//: Here, we would have //: Our prayers and longings answered! //: Our whole needs fulfilled //: In the abundance of this new mother Earth. //: Our needs full filled* //: Fresh from the bosom of our new mother Earth. ://

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
No, Alonzo does not try for the "high" note here (*).

Alonzo looks skyward as he continues to sing.

//: Now comes a ship, transporting families hopeful. //: They seek the comfort of this second Earth. //: Parents who care for children who are dying //: Gave all in hopes for their children's rebirth.

//: Their sacrifices soon will be forgotten, //: And hope and joy will fill them as they see

//: A child, once infirm, //: Now runs in meadows freely! //: His healing complete //: Through Devon's faith in this new mother Earth. //: Her child reborn* //: Deep in the womb of this new mother Earth. ://

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
This time, Alonzo nails the "high" note (*) with a gusto that strongly suggests a chromo-tilt parametrized on DNA sampled from Luciano Pavarotti.

The camera zooms into the distance, to show John and Zero listening.

JOHN Wow.

If only Julia had seen that.

Zero, I want you to sing *that* song for Julia. Replay it exactly as you've heard it. "As frequently as possible". Stop only when she tells you to erase your memory of the song she taught you.

You did get all of Alonzo's song, right?

ZERO My recordings are always accurate and complete.

JOHN You know, Zero, humility *is* a virtue. Especially at Christmas.

ZERO It's Christmas?

JOHN Nice try, guy, but you're not getting me to sing "Do They Know It's Christmas". Or ANYTHING ELSE.

ZERO I am always ready to help. You do have an excellent deep voice. You sound just like that "Kurgan" character in the pre-holographic movie "Highlander".

JOHN *No*. I am NOT going to sing. ANYTHING. ANYWHERE.

They walk off. John's voice can still be heard in the distance:

JOHN For ANYONE. To ANYONE. In ANY KEY ...

ALONZO (looking up at the Terrian) Merry Christmas, friend. As soon as we can figure out how to repay all of you, we will.

It feels good to be home.

For the first time.

Silent slow fade to black.

John White <johnw@umsa.umd.edu>

THE RECORDED VOICE OF DEBRAH FARENTINO

And now back to KOBA-TV.

ACT 4: TENSE LORD OF LEAPING, NICE LADY (DANZ'S)... FIND GAAL, AND THINGS

Devon is walking beyond camp in search of Julia. Suddenly the ground begins to shake. Up rises a Terrian -- with Gaal at its side!

GAAL (beaming maniacally)

*Popsicle*!

DEVON Gaal! I thought we were done with you!

GAAL (motioning to himself) Me -- done with? NEVER, my Popsicle.

Gaal steps towards Devon, spreading his arms out wide.

But rest assured -- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Gaal falls to his knees, clutching his throat. The Terrian holds up one hand to show Devon a very familiar transmitter, then draws a line in the earth between Devon and Gaal with its spear.

GAAL (gasping, then briefly furious) As -- I -- was SAYING!

Rest assured, the Diggers are keeping me on a short leash. A very short, tight leash.

And, it may give you some pleasure to know that I have been forced to become their indentured domestic, sweeping the caves, cleaning the Mooncross pool, smoothing the wrinkles out of their Terrian beds ... oh, wrinkles make them *very* cranky. Have you ever seen a cranky Terrian, Popsicle? Then again, how could one tell?

Should I displease them, or even think to complain, I wake up the next day to find that these perverse creatures have dressed me up in some outrageous costume for their own twisted enjoyment. The stuffy late Cold War uniform isn't so bad, but Heaven only knows how they hit upon the fashionfatal combination of platform shoes, fishnet hose, and a leather bustier. Very uncomfortable ... as you might know.

Anyway, those torments are mine when I make Santa's "B" list. If, on the other hand, I show qualities of a potentially redemptory nature, I am allowed the occasional chaperoned excursion ... and that's how I am here.

DEVON (arms crossed; unamused) But *why* are you here, Gaal?

GAAL Why Popsicle! For the obvious reason! To wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. And to offer you a present. A treasure I found during one of my underworld furloughs.

I'll bet you're just quivering with antici....pation ...

Devon stares daggers.

Gaal reaches into a pocket of his cape, withdraws an object, genuflects before Devon, deposits the object on the line with a flourish, then backs away.

Devon picks it up. It is a jewel the size of her fist! Her mouth drops.

GAAL The good doctor's DiaGlove will confirm it for you, Popsicle. Diamond -- as strong, rigid, and pure as yourself. For the days you treated me kindly and took me at my word, foolish as that might have been.

DEVON (pausing, then suddenly aloof) You know, you had me going there for a few seconds.

A stone.

From Gaal.

Cute.

GAAL But Popsicle, it has inestimable worth!

DEVON Maybe on an Earth where money and possessions mattered. An Earth destroyed by those who craved them. But not here.

Devon tosses the diamond back to Gaal, who slips it back into his cape.

GAAL I know of at least one colonist who would see value in this bauble. There's no finer tip for a drill than pure diamond.

DEVON (to the Terrian) Take him away, please.

GAAL Wait! Before I go, I want to show you one last thing. Gaal lifts his hair away from his brow. On it has been tattooed a stylized icon of a peacock.

DEVON (to the Terrian; aghast) No! How could you? Okay, so he's a mass murderer, a liar, and perhaps even a would-be child molester, but in what way does he deserve that mark?

There is a flash of light from within the Terrian, and it is replaced by a shimmering image of Sam Beckett.

Sam looks around angrily.

SAM *WHERE'S CLANCY BROWN*?!

DEVON I don't know, Sam. Who is he?

SAM CLANCY BROWN. He plays JOHN DANZIGER.

DEVON Well, I don't understand what you mean about this Clancy "playing" Danziger, but no, Danziger is not here. He's out looking for Alonzo, and Alonzo's favorite hangout is the scenic view on the other side of camp. All told, Danz is probably a couple of klicks away by now. He's well out of communications range.

SAM I thought that your GEAR could transmit clear across the planet.

DEVON For Danziger, "out of communications range" means "further than you can shout". He never wears his GEAR.

Why are you angry at Danziger?

SAM (calming down) I've been leaping through all of the Christmas specials on the way to my own, and wherever I wind up, Clancy Brown is there. First, I leaped into Connor MacLeod on "An Immortal Highlander Christmas", and Clancy was there playing The Kurgan. The very first thing I saw after the leap was Clancy's blade coming for my throat!

DEVON How did you survive?

SAM Simple. After this many leaps I've gotten good at ducking and running, at least until I know where I am and what I'm up against. I figure that that's why I wound up inside Connor. He's a straight-ahead guy who tackles things head-on, but that would have left him head-off in this case.

DEVON And Danziger?

SAM The *Kurgan*.

DEVON Will he be okay?

SAM Are you kidding? The Kurgan is a *Clancy Brown* role. Practically all of Clancy's characters die. The Kurgan's toast. He's history. Stick a sword in him -- he's done.

DEVON Oh no!

SAM So anyway, I barely avoid being killed by Clancy's character in the Highlander special. Then, at "The Shawshank Redemption's Christmas on Ice", Clancy's prison guard character beats the tar out of me.

DEVON *My* John Danziger?

SAM So by the time I get to the Gargoyles' special, "I'll Be Stone for Christmas", I've seen the pattern, I'm angry, I'm pumped, and I'm ready for him. I find myself inside the little Garg, Lexington, and Clancy's character Wolf is headed right at me!

DEVON What did you do?

SAM Well ... this being a family hour broadcast and all ... let's just say that Lex's claws can pierce armor, but they don't reach very high.

DEVON (starts to run)

*NO*!!!! John! Julia, get your med--

SAM (catching her by the shoulder) Relax, Dev! Your John Danziger is completely ... intact. The other characters I've mentioned are ... Danziger in alternate universes, kind of. They're not him. They're what he might have been, if he hadn't fallen in with the right company. If Danziger is a kind, reasonable person here, then you can take some of the credit for it.

Devon calms a little.

SAM So, how have you been, Dev? Long time no see! Not since we were in the KOBA-TV movie "Dead Programs Society" together, with Dale Cooper, Nick Knight, and the rest of the gang.

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
Good plug, Marketing ...

DEVON Oh, you know .. 20 klicks today ... 20 klicks tomorrow ... I did have a really good dream the other night. I was Dorothy, Uly was my little half-terrier dog Toto, and together we found the Wizard of G889.

SAM I can relate. This situation looks a little stranger than my usual, too.

DEVON I'll bet that your alien body is a subtle hint.

SAM Been in worse. At least I'm not in high heels this time, or pregnant, or in cryosleep.

Do you have any idea what I'm supposed to accomplish here? You remember how it works ... the next Quantum Leap will occur when I've completed what I need to do in this timeline.

DEVON I have no idea.

Gaal, meanwhile, has been watching this exchange. Apparently he does not see or hear the "quantum leap effect" image of Sam Beckett.

GAAL (to Devon) Please excuse me for interrupting, Ms. A-Dorothy, but you don't seem to be 'in toto' any more.

DEVON (ignoring Gaal; speaking to Sam) You could try disciplining your prisoner. It couldn't hurt. You, anyway.

SAM How?

DEVON Use the transmitter you've got in your hand. Just speak into it and say --

SAM Wait. Let me guess. "Pinch."

GAAL Yow!

SAM "Massage."

GAAL mmmmmmmm ... Aaaaaactuaaaaally, thaaaaat's kiiiind of niiiiiiice --

SAM "Tickle."

GAAL -- hee hee hee no hee hee hee please hee hee hee stop hee hee --

SAM "Shiatsu."

GAAL -- THAAAT one's NOOOOT too BAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaad EIIIther --

SAM "Hokey Pokey."

Gaal's head snaps forwards and backwards several times, then he is spun around briefly.

GAAL Are you out of your perverted little Digger --

SAM "Strangle."

GAAL -- mGAK!

Devon whispers in the Terrian's ear.

SAM "Charge."

GAAL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Gaal keels over, panting.

SAM That was fun.

They wait.

SAM But, it doesn't seem to be my purpose here either. I'd be kind of embarrassed if it had been.

DEVON Maybe your friend Harvey knows what you need to do to get out of here.

SAM *Al*. He hates it when people call him "Harvey".

For a moment, Sam stops and listens to thin air, which makes him look strangely like a Terrian imitating a Human.

SAM All Al knows is that my next stop is the Alien Nation Christmas Special. God, I hope they're not serving eggnog there ...

You know, I still can't figure out how Clancy Brown keeps getting cast as all of these heavies. I met the real Clancy, back before the Quantum Leap project started. He's a really nice guy, as sweet as they come.

DEVON But this Clancy Brown "is" John Danziger in a sense, right?

SAM Yes.

DEVON And he's not a heavy --

SAM -- he's your lover.

DEVON *WHAT*?!

SAM Aw, c'mon Dev, if he's not already, he will be soon.

DEVON You're crazy!

SAM And you haven't leapt into all of the fan fiction stories I have.

Devon, in some of these alternate universes you and Danz aren't just married; you've got more kids, you've bought a mini-Rover and you're looking for magnet schools for little Johnny and Devie too.

Sam's image swirls as light begins to radiate from within the Terrian.

SAM Looks like that's what I needed to do! Be good to your John Danziger, Devon! And say "Hi" to Lynne for me!

OH BOY!

DEVON Hey! Who's Lynne?

But the Terrian does not answer, because it is just a Terrian again.

Devon turns, to find that Gaal has caught his breath and is standing once again. He starts tapping one heel rhythmically.

GAAL Good evening, Ms. Adair. Going ... down?

Gaal and the Terrian sink slowly into the earth.

GAAL First floor: Ladies lingerie ...

Second floor: Ladies lingerie ...

THE RECORDED VOICE OF CLANCY BROWN KOBA-TV will return.

And yes, I'll be there, but I won't die or beat anyone to a pulp.

ANNOUNCER

The KOBA-TV Christmas Special is brought to you by New PacifiCon '96. This Christmas, ask your family and friends for tickets to New PacifiCon!

WARREN LITTLEFIELD And now back to the Lawrence Brothers Christmas SpecOOOOF!

SFX (thud!)

YALE And *now*, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages ... back to KOBA-TV.

If anyone wishes to change their channel, do so now ... and deal with me!

ACT 5:

BAD? NOT BAD AT ALL!

Alonzo and the Terrian are still admiring the scenic view. Suddenly Julia enters, driving the DuneRail at top speed. Alonzo and the Terrian duck flying gravel as she skids the 'Rail to a stop.

JULIA Alonzo!

ALONZO Hey! Julia! You look white as a sheet. Are you okay?

JULIA Yes. No -- I'm freezing. I had to come to talk to you right away. You're the only person I can trust right now.

ALONZO What's going on, Julia?

JULIA Not what, who. Reilly.

ALONZO You're not trying to contact him again, are you?

JULIA Of course not! Even if I wanted to, I threw the Council VR chip into the canyon, remember? I don't know how he's doing it, but somehow he's managing a one-way connection into my equipment. For about the last week, every time I use my DiaGlove, or read the medical logs on my GEAR, I find another "Dear Citizen Heller" message. He accuses me of "forgetting him at Christmas time". He wants us all to join him in VR on ew Year's Eve too, so we can watch the ball drop -- assuming he finds it by then.

ALONZO Reilly. That's why you've been pushing me away lately.

JULIA NO! ... Yes. I feel ashamed, guilty. Dirty. I didn't want you to touch me.

ALONZO Well, then, we're just going to have to get dirty together. Hop in. We'll get everyone into a meeting, and we'll both tell them. Everything will be okay.

JULIA No, it won't! That's why I nearly ran over Danziger and Zero to get out here to you. Reilly's last message said he had contacted one of his operatives, and we would, quote, "get exactly what we deserved this Christmas".

ALONZO My God. Another ZED.

Cut to camp, where Walman sits outside, propped up by his MagPro, asleep at his post.

An odd portent appears in the sky: Nine small objects, arranged all in pairs except for the last, glow fiery white on reentry through the atmosphere. The procession is led by a blindingly bright red beacon.

WALMAN (talking in his sleep) ... Querida ... (snorrrr) ... isn't Italian ... (snorrrr) ... or Spanish ... (snorrrr) ... It was ... (snorrrr) ... my ... (snorrrr) ... mother's name ... (snorrrr) ...

Off-camera, there is the sound of sleighbells, then of hooves softly landing.

WALMAN ... Vomitus Nabisco ... (snorrrr) ... Richard ... (snorrrr) ... et talcum ... (snorrrr) ...

Santa Claus enters the camp, carrying a large sack.

WALMAN ... KOBA-TV ... (snorrrr) ... rules ... (snorrrr) ... heh heh heh ... (snorrrr) ...

Santa is just about to enter the nearest tent when --

WALMAN (jumping up and brandishing his MagPro) *HALT*! Who goes there!

SANTA Ho ho ho! Why, you must be Walman, Eden Advance's best guard! I hear that nothing ever gets past you. Ho ho, I know I've got a wonderful gift in my magic sack for you.

WALMAN Mister, I don't know who you are, but I don't take bribes. Step away from the tent.

SANTA (sternly) Mr. Walman, ho ho ho! Are you trying to get on my "bad little children" list the hard way? Please, just allow me to deliver this lovely --

WALMAN (aiming) I SAID step AWAY from the TENT! And DROP the SACK!

There is a crunch of tires off-camera, and Alonzo and Julia run in.

ALONZO Walman, what are you doing?

WALMAN (talking to Alonzo across the barrel of the MagPro) This intruder --

ALONZO This is no intruder, Walman! This is Santa Claus!

WALMAN Is he a friend of yours? Another pilot?

ALONZO No, he's a legendary figure, who delivers toys and sweets to good children and coal to bad ones. When I was five years old over a century ago -- and I heard someone talk about "God", I thought they meant Santa. Most children do, for a while. Or at least they used to; I guess the whole Santa thing must have kind of died off while I was out on a coldsleep run. Otherwise you'd understand.

WALMAN Alonzo, I think you cracked more than your leg in the escape pod. Okay, Mr. Santa, this is a colonist's arrest. Anything you say, including "ho ho ho", can and will be uhnnnn --

Walman collapses, to reveal Julia standing, holding a hypospray where Walman's neck had been.

SANTA Ho ho oh-ho! You must be the evil Julia Heller! From what I hear, you're a very bad girl!

JULIA Alonzo?

ALONZO Not me. You are, of course, but that's just between us. OW!

It dawns on Julia.

JULIA Reilly.

Citizen Claus, did Councilmember Reilly send you here?

SANTA To be honest, I don't know who it was. Several people spoke to me. First, there was a tall, impressively bald man with piercing eyes. Then, a cool young woman talked to me all too briefly. Finally, the first man returned, or maybe it was his twin brother because he had a mustache and the first man didn't. None of them were listed in my Gift Registry. I was ready to consider the whole thing a crank call, until I realized something. Not one of the callers asked for anything for themselves. They asked me to bring presents to you, because all of you have been good little colonists this year.

Except for Julia.

By now, Walman's ruckus has awakened every one out of the colonists, and they are streaming out of their tents.

DEVON What's going on here?

SANTA Ho ho ho, are you the intrepid leader of this merry band?

DEVON In a sense. I'm Devon Adair, and I am ultimately responsible for all of these colonists.

SANTA And have they been good little colonists?

DEVON Well ... in this group, being good basically means pulling your own weight, trying to look out for the others, putting in your 20 klicks every day, and not repeating here on G889 the mistakes that destroyed our first Earth. All without grumbling too much. None of us are perfect, but we're all resourceful and resilient. So yes, we're all good colonists.

SANTA Even Julia?

DEVON Why, yes!

JULIA No.

DEVON Julia! What --

Alonzo pulls Devon aside, and Danziger and Zero enter.

ALONZO Let her talk, Devon. She knows what she's doing. Santa gives

bad children *coal*.

DEVON But, isn't that the non-renewable dirty fuel that was a primary cause of acid rain on our first Earth?

JOHN Yeah, if you *burn* it. But if we fed it into our fusion packs in granules, it would burn completely, with no acidity, and we could double the packs' output.

ALONZO Julia's smart, Devon.

DEVON (turning to Santa) I have to apologize, Mr. Claus. In this group we try to be self-reliant, and we usually solve our own problems from within the group. This time, though, Julia is on her own. It's hardly the first time.

SANTA All right then, young lady. Have you been good this year?

JULIA (defiant) No. Bad. Very, very bad.

I'm a Council spy.

SANTA Oh-ho HO! Then, child, you get a lump of coal for Christmas!

Santa digs into his pack and hands Julia the coal. She throws it aside. As for the rest of you --

JULIA Hey, big guy, do you usually interrupt people before they're through?

SANTA *What*?

JULIA I'm not just any Council spy. I'm the one who deprived these colonists of the best available medical care by stranding Dr. Vasquez on the colony ship before take-off.

SANTA Unacceptable!

He snaps his fingers and, with a flash of light, the lump of coal doubles.

JULIA I worked with Reilly to harvest the pineal gland of Devon's child, practically ensuring that the child would either die or, at best, live out the rest of his life as a vegetable.

Snap! Four lumps. During that project, I turned myself into a human monster by injecting myself with Terrian DNA sampled from the child.

Snap! Eight lumps.

Under the effects of the Terrian DNA, I kidnapped Morgan Martin out in the forest and tied him to a tree. He narrowly escaped being killed by exposure to the elements.

Snap! Ten lumps.

MORGAN Why only ten?

SANTA The last one wasn't quite so bad.

JULIA One day later, I also tried to kill Devon Adair by kicking her off a cliff. Luckily for her, we were in VR, although I didn't realize it at the time.

SANTA You know what they say: At Christmastime, it's the thought that counts.

Snap! Twenty lumps.

JULIA I gave Alonzo medication that caused him excruciating pain.

Santa's hand goes up.

Wait!

It was medically necessary, to heal his broken leg.

Santa's hand relaxes.

But, there were times I enjoyed seeing him suffer.

Snap! Forty lumps.

And there are times I still do.

ALONZO But that's diff--

JULIA SHHHH!

Snap! Eighty lumps.

I was the one who sliced up and cooked the Grendler fillets.

Snap! One hundred sixty lumps.

I've assaulted practically every member of this group by hypospraying them from behind, as you saw earlier.

Snap! Three hundred twenty lumps.

And ... no, I'm too ashamed ...

SANTA Spit it out, young lady. You can't possibly get yourself in much more trouble than you already have.

JULIA In my VR library, I've got the entire Time-Life series "Lost Civilizations".

Phooooooom!!!! Everyone is knocked to the ground, and True screams.

DIRECTOR'S NOTE
Hey, why not? This is the last part of the Special, and True hasn't screamed once yet.

When they all arise, the pile of coal is bigger than a tent.

JOHN What the hell was that?

YALE A simple physical phenominon. Two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. When Mr. Claus multiplied the coal the last time, a significant volume of air was displaced. The result was air with a significant volume, displacing us.

SANTA (to Julia) Now, step aside young lady. I've got wonderful happy shiny gifts for all of the *good* colonists. Keeblas!

JOHN Keeblas?

A number of short creatures with long claws and big eyes, bedecked in elf costumes, run in from all sides. They look suspiciously like the Koba extras from "The Wizard".

Walman does not awaken.

SANTA (to John) Locals I keep on retainer. They're Kobas, they're elves, they live in trees, and they'll do almost anything for a cookie. What would *you* call them? The "Santa Claws"?

The Keeblas form a bucket brigade line, emptying Santa's pack in an instant and matching gifts to their new owners with dispatch and efficiency (not to mention ear-splitting giggles).

SANTA (to Julia) I hope you're learned your lesson --

JULIA Oh, I have.

SANTA -- and will live out your life with more restraint from now on. For the rest of you, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

Santa boards his sleigh, and it rises into the air.

ZERO Quadripeds! Quadripeds!

JOHN Just reindeer, Zero.

The colonists wait until he is safely gone, then Devon hugs Julia.

DEVON Julia, you did a wonderful job! With this much coal, we may never be cold again!

JULIA (sadly) The problem is, it wasn't a "job". I told the truth about myself.

DEVON No, you didn't. You lied by omission. You left out all of the good things you've done for us too.

JULIA So ... one way or another, I'm bad.

ALONZO Wouldn't have it any other way.

Julia continues to pout. Alonzo picks her up bodily and starts walking to his tent.

JULIA Hey! Stop!

ALONZO (pausing) You heard what the man said, Julia.

JULIA Yeah. Everybody else is supposed to have a Merry Christmas. I'm supposed to be restrained.

ALONZO (resuming) That's what I heard too. 'Night everyone! Merry Christmas! Don't mind us!

JULIA (blushing) 'Lonzo!!

The group breaks up.

The camera follows Devon, as does John. He is holding his hands behind his back.

JOHN Forgot a gift, Devon.

DEVON No, can't be. The, uh, "Keeblas" placed one with everybody. Except Julia, of course.

Now wait just a moment, John Danziger. The last time you came up to me with your hands behind your back like that, you drenched me with water.

JOHN Don't be silly, Adair. It's freezing out. I couldn't possibly douse you with water. But, I could cover you ...

John brings his hands around, to reveal a jewel the size of Devon's fist, now mounted on a chain.

... with ice.

Julia's Glove says it's pure diamond. The chain isn't much. True is Grendler fodder if she ever tells you which vehicle it's a part for. Once we get to New Pacifica, and things are a little more stable, I'll try to make you a better chain.

DEVON John ... Where did you get it?

JOHN Wish I knew. Zero's sensors spotted it just laying on the ground as we were walking back from finding Alonzo. We beat it back here and got the chain attached just as Walman started arresting Santa and his Claws.

DEVON But John ... aren't there more practical uses for a large diamond like this one? Wouldn't it make the ultimate well-drilling bit?

JOHN Yeah, it would ... but I'd rather see it on you.

He takes the necklace, and reaches gently around her shoulders to clasp it.

He takes an awfully long time doing so.

In fact, he never finishes.

Devon reaches up to hold John, and looks tenderly into his eyes. The jewel sparkles brilliantly in her decolletage, reflecting the light of the twin moons.

JOHN Devon ...

DEVON John ...

JOHN There's something I have to say ...

DEVON Yeah, me too ...

JOHN What is it, Devon ...

DEVON (suddenly grinning from ear to ear) It's 7:58 pm ... Time to roll the credits!

JOHN Devon! How can you?

DEVON Aw, come on John, stop dreaming. It's the family hour. We couldn't have gone any further anyway.

JOHN (throwing his head back in anguish, howling in the "Kurgan" voice) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Devon runs off giggling, and John Danziger chases her.

A Terrian pops up.

TERRIAN Di-di-di Di-di-di Di-di-di -- That's all folks!

Uly runs in.

ULY //: I saw Mommy kissing Danziger //: Underneath the TransRover tonight! ://

The Terrian grabs Uly, and they both sink into the moonset.

ANNOUNCER We hope you've enjoyed the KOBA-TV Christmas Special.

The KOBA-TV Christmas Special was brought to you by the Church of Morgan, KOBA-TV, and non-participating NBC stations.

Special effects by GNU Emacs. Thanks, Richard Stallman!

John White <johnw@umsa.umd.edu>
The University of Maryland System Administration

This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.