INSOMNIA
By
Margaret A. Czarney
Timeline: After "Greatest love story never told" (Weeks 11-14)
Author's E-Mail: mczarney@jcvaxa.jcu.edu or mcstarlight@hotmail.com
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Okay, this one I have no explanation for. I got this idea in my head one night and before I knew it, I had this. Anyway, have fun reading.Disclaimer: As always, Earth 2 and it's characters are not mine. They belong to Amblin Entertainment.
Insomnia
By Margaret A. Czarney
It was another sleepless night for Devon Adair as she sat in the biodome and drank a cup of water. Startled by the sound of the door swinging open, she looked up to see the other resident insomniac, John Danziger, enter the room.
"Fancy meeting you here, Adair," he said with a smile.
"John, what a surprise," she answered deadpan, and then returned his smile.
They ran into each other every so often in the middle of the night, when they both couldn't sleep. They started to sit and talk to each other, about everything and anything. Their discussions ranged from how the group was doing, parenthood and their kids, their life on the stations when they were kids. However, their conversations only seemed to make their insomnia worse. Both John and Devon had more trouble sleeping now than they ever did. Neither of them seemed to notice, though, or mind.
John grabbed a cup of water and then sat down at the table with Devon. He was glad he wasn't the only one in the group who had trouble sleeping. And he was very glad (although he wouldn't really admit it) that the person was Devon. He really enjoyed their conversations, and found it very easy to talk to her. She was as easy to talk to as Alex was, maybe even easier. His long conversations with his friends, about what was worrying him or just anything that came up, was something he had missed when they crashed onto this planet. Then he ran into Devon one night, and he found that he could talk to her about almost anything. Yes, they fought almost as much as they talked, but Danziger found that he even enjoyed their arguments, in a strange sort of way.
"So, anything in particular got you up tonight?" Devon asked.
"No, just couldn't sleep," Danziger replied quickly. There was no way he was going to tell Devon that he couldn't sleep because he had another discussion with True about her mother today, and Ellie's accident, and his part in it, was haunting him yet again. "How about you?" he asked Devon.
Devon paused and then said, "The same. Couldn't sleep." Anyone else would have accepted this, but John noticed her split second of hesitation and knew that something was bothering her.
"Come on, Dev, what's wrong?" he pressed, figuring focusing on her problems would be a welcome distraction to his own. She held firm that nothing was wrong. Whatever was bothering her, it was obvious that she wasn't going to talk to him about it. John racked his brain, trying to figure out what subject she would avoid discussing with him. Then the answer hit him. Forcing a neutral tone to his voice, he asked, "Is it Sheppard?" Her startled reaction told him that he was right. It had only been a few weeks since Devon had found her dream lover and then lost him again. ~Yeah, dream lover. I still don't buy that.~ Danziger forced his own feelings about Sheppard aside and concentrated on Devon.
"Yeah, it is," Devon replied, examining her cup of water intently. She didn't know if she should bring this up with Danziger, but she really needed to talk to someone. Danziger and True were the only other people in the group who knew about Sheppard. She didn't feel like explaining him to anyone else, even Yale. "I keep having dreams about him. Sometimes I see when I first met him, and other times, I'm in the caves with him."
John noticed how her voice wavered ever so slightly at that last part, and could guess what she saw in her dreams. He had a dream about that as well, a nightmare where he wasn't fast enough and got to the steps just in time to see Katrina overpower Devon. He was just in time to see the knife plunge into Devon's heart and to watch as the life drained from her eyes. Firmly pushing those thoughts out of his mind, he considered Devon again. "You really loved him, didn't you?" he asked, surprised at how calm his voice sounded. He didn't want to examine all the emotions that simple realization evoked in him, and waited for Devon's response.
Devon was about to answer yes automatically, but the direct way John asked the question made her think about it. She had always assumed she loved Sheppard, but did she really? "I . . . don't know," she answered, causing Danziger to look at her in surprise. "I mean, I really didn't know all that much about him, or his life. I don't know if I loved him, or what he did. He cared for me and supported me when everyone else was abandoning me, except Yale. I might have loved him, but I guess I'll never know, now." She bit her lip, thinking of all the 'might have been's' that were lost to her now. Finding Sheppard and then losing him had shown her how alone she really was on this trip. John reached over and squeezed her hand and asked if she was going to be okay. Seeing the concern in his face, she realized that maybe she wasn't as alone as she thought she was. She smiled at him. "I'll be okay," she assured him. And she knew that was true, with friends like John standing by her.
She turned her attention to John. Something was obviously bothering him, and turnabout was fair play, after all. "So what's bothering you?"
"What do you mean? Nothing's bothering me," Danziger replied, a little too defensively.
She didn't buy it for a second. "John, something's obviously bothering you," Devon said gently. "You can talk to me about it, you know that."
"No, no, I can't," John said. "I can't talk to anyone about it." And it was true. He couldn't even talk to Alex and Les about this, and they knew Ellie. He couldn't tell anyone that the accident that caused her death was his fault.
"Is something wrong with True?" Devon asked.
"No," he sighed. She just wouldn't let this drop.
"You can talk to me about it. You can talk to me about anything."
"No, I can't! I can't talk to you about her!" he practically yelled.
~Her?~ Understanding dawned on Devon. ~Well, what do you do now, Devon? Do you let it drop, or make him talk about it?~ She really wanted to let it drop, she didn't want to bring up a topic that was clearly painful for him. But she knew that he was bottling all of his feelings inside and he needed to let them out, even if he didn't want to. So she pressed on. "Eleanor Moore?" she asked hesitantly.
John froze when he heard her name. He turned to Devon in shock and asked, "You know?"
Devon only nodded. John's shock faded and he began to get angry. "What, you pried that deep into my files? Why, morbid curiousity? Couldn't you just let some things stay private!?" He was yelling at full volume now.
"No! John, it wasn't like that. I was only," Devon was cut off by the arrival of a cranky and tired Morgan Martin.
"Isn't there enough hours in the day for you two to go at it? You have to interrupt our sleep, too?" he asked bitterly. The glares he received from John and Devon were more than enough to shut him up. John turned his glare once more to Devon and then stormed out into the winter night. Devon hesitated for a split second and then rushed after him, leaving behind a now confused Morgan Martin.
Devon ran out of the biodome, thankful for the lack of wind on this surprisingly calm winter night, and for her boots, which she slipped on before leaving her room. "John?" she yelled into the night. Then she spotted him heading out of camp and rushed to catch up with him. "John, wait, please." He didn't stop, just kept walking, but Devon caught up with him. "John, please, we - Bess, Yale, and I - we were just worried about you and True when that whole incident with Dell came up. I didn't do it to hurt you." John seemed to ignore her words and just kept walking. Devon halted him by laying a hand on his arm. Startled, he met her eyes. Instead of being full of anger, as Devon had feared, they were full of hurt, pain, and...guilt? "John, talk to me, please," Devon entreated.
John turned away, conflicting and confusing emotions warring within him. Not making a conscious decision to do so, he began to speak. "I know how badly that whole thing affected True. I knew couldn't keep Ellie from her any more. I'm telling True about her, letting her ask questions, and it hurts so much." Devon's stomach twisted as she heard the utter pain in those words. What he said next shocked her. "And it's my fault she doesn't have a mother. All my fault."
"What? John, no, it was an accident, it was nobody's fault," Devon said.
She didn't understand. "It was my fault, Adair!" he yelled. After all these years, the terrible secret he kept bottled up inside flowed out in a torrent. "I was the one who convinced her to go out without a drone. I was the one who got into that stupid argument with station control. I was the one who got that guy so mad he hit the switch that cut off her air supply! I was the one who couldn't get her inside fast enough to save her." His control broke and tears started falling down his face. He sank down to his knees, not evej noticing the cold. "I wasn't fast enough!" he exclaimed, and buried his face in his hands, not wanting to see the accusing gaze that he was sure was on Devon's face.
Devon stood there in shock for a few moments. She couldn't believe he had been carrying this around for over 11 years. Devon couldn't let him continue believing it was his fault. She knelt beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "John, it was an accident." He still wasn't looking at her. "John, look at me," she demanded gently. He slowly brought his eyes, still flooded with tears, up to meet hers. "It wasn't your fault. I've heard that same story a thousand times, and it almost never ends so well. It takes so short a time for the body to just - stop - from lack of oxygen. You might have been too late to save her, but you got there fast enough to save True. You saved True."
Her words surprised him. John searched Devon's eyes. He didn't find a trace of the disdain he was expecting, instead, he found sympathy, understanding, and something else that John didn't want to contemplate just now. He buried his face in his hands again, sobbing. Devon stayed by his side, slipping her arm around his shoulders, comforting him with her presence. As he cried, John admitted the truth of Devon's words. He finally realized that holding on to the guilt was just another way of holding onto Ellie. It was time to let it, and her, go. Eleven years was a long time to grieve, and John knew he had to let this last little part of her go. So he did, he no longer let himself hold himself responsible for the accident that claimed Ellie's spirit, if not her life. He knew this was going to be the last time he cried over her death. He would always remember her, and the love he felt for her. He would share those memories with True, but the memories wouldn't feel like a knife wound anymore. They would only be memories, nothing more. After a time, he stopped crying and looked off into the night, composing himself before facing Devon. He was embarrassed that she had seen him like this, but he was grateful, too. She helped him to finally let Ellie go. He turned to her and offered her a small smile. "Thank you, Devon."
Devon let her arm drop from his shoulders to grasp his hand and give it a squeeze. She returned his smile, relieved that he had finally been able to release his guilt. She steadfastly ignored the feelings that smile and hearing him speak her name brought up inside her. "Anytime, John," she finally replied.
They sat there for a long moment, hands clasped, staring into each other's eyes, and smiling. Neither one wanted the moment to end, but the cold ground and the chill of the air finally intruded into their private world.
John saw Devon shiver and said, "We'd better get back," still looking at her intently.
She returned his gaze. "I guess we better," she said.
They stood and walked back to camp in silence, still hand in hand. Once they were in the biodome they looked at each other yet again, and finally John broke the silence and said, "Goodnight, Devon," before giving her hand a final squeeze and releasing it.
"Night, John," Devon replied, and they both walked off to their respective rooms, both secretly hoping that another bout of insomnia would hit them again, soon.
-The End-
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This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.