THE JOURNEY COUNTINED SAGA (PART 2)
SCARS ON MY MEMORY
By
Paula Sanders
Timeline: On way to New Pacifica
Author's E-Mail: paula.sanders@shawnee.org
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Okay, so it took me over a month to get this monster done. Well, here it is, after much agonizing and hair pulling, for you to, as always, ENJOY! It takes place shortly after the Eden Crew has resumed the journey and deals with Julia's discovery of Reilly as a hologram and the Devon and Danziger relationship.Thanks to Sharon Bailey for her much appreciated encouragement and editorial advice.
This is a work of amateur fiction, not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by anyone involved with Earth2.
Scars On My Memory (1/5)
by Paula Sanders
copyright 1995
Why was I left all alone
To fight the darkness that surrounds me?
I've got scars on my forehead
Scars on my memory
Scars on my poor hands
Scars all over me
I remember me
In the back of my head
In the middle of the night
("I Remember Me" The Innocence Mission (c)1988)
Alonzo Solace
**One hundred and forty-five days on this planet; some of those days were full of anxiety and tension, with barely enough time to breathe, and some were so boring we thought we would go crazy, but all of those days took us and changed us. There is no way we could ever go back to the people we were before the crash.**The caravan of nomads moved methodically through the valley on planet G889, the TransRover swaying slightly as it bounced over the uneven ground. True Danziger sat on the side storage shelf, her feet dangling, watching the scenery change almost imperceptibly. They were moving so slowly. They always did. She thought that she could probably make it to New Pacifica faster if she ran, but at least they were moving. Months spent in the Biodome with nothing to do but haul wood, study, and picking on Uly had quickly lost its charm. She enjoyed traveling. Every day there was something new waiting just ahead of them.
She closed her eyes, resting them for a moment; the gentle rocking of the vehicle had a lulling effect. There was a tug on her shoe and she opened her eyes. Her father was walking beside her, smiling. He had been doing a lot of that, lately. Ever since the Terrians and Uly had healed Devon. It seemed like forever since she had seen him smile when it had only been a week, at the most.
It had all started when everyone had gotten sick, at least all the adults. Eben Syng had been the first to die. The little girl had been heart broken at the loss. Every once in a while, ever since they had buried Eben, True would hear her voice or find herself looking for the woman but knowing she was not there. Eben was funny and smart and she and True had become buddies. True had known her for a long time, even back on the stations. Her dad had collected most of the mechanical crew, for the Eden Advance ship, from people he had worked with before and knew well. Eben was one of those people. On the stations True had only really seen the woman while helping her dad. On G889 Eben had kind of looked out for True. There was still a dull ache in her chest where Eben had been.
Next, Devon had remained sick instead of recovering, like the rest of them. True had been absolutely convinced that they had lost Devon. None of what Julia had said about what was wrong with Devon had sounded at all hopeful. True was ashamed of herself for losing her faith and optimism. She had tried to learn from Devon and adopt a positive attitude and not think that the worst would happen, even though it invariably did. She had seen how Devon's optimism affected the group and how it had nearly destroyed them all when they had lost it with Devon. Among the group, there had been little hope, no certainty, and no smiles while Devon was in cold-sleep. But now, Devon was well, with them again, and the smile was back on her father's face.
"How ya doin', sport?" he asked.
"Fine," she answered, kicking her feet a little bit. "How far do you think we'll go, today?" she asked."Well," he began, staring up at the rain clouds in the west. "If this weather holds out I think we can make about 20k."
"Good," True said. Her gaze found the dunerail where Julia, and Alonzo rode. Julia had been very quiet as they moved away from Bennett's starship. It was now three days back, and True, personally was glad to see it behind her. But something was bothering Julia and True wondered if it had something to do with that computer.
"Dad, what's wrong with Julia?" she asked. "I don't know, True-girl. Only she knows," he said, patted her knee and picked up his pace to catch up with Devon. True watched him go, giggling, quietly.
Julia Heller steered the Dunerail around what looked like it might be a nasty hole. She was glad for the distraction of driving; anything to keep from thinking about Reilly. But that did not mean she was not.
For the past few days she had been playing over and over in her mind all the things that Reilly had ever said to her, trying to find any clue that could have told her the truth about him. *How could I have been so stupid?* she criticized. He was just a damned computer. But he was an expertly created computer. He had perfectly created quite a story around himself. *Itself,* she reminded.
Reilly had known exactly how to manipulate Julia. He knew that he could get her to do whatever he said just by reminding her of her duty to the Council. He knew she would fear retribution if she failed to obey. No one in their right mind would have refused to obey the Council. Sometimes she wondered if she was in her right mind. She had been ready to perform dangerous surgery on a little boy because of her fear of retribution. That was insanity. If it hadn't been for that Terrian and Alonzo warning her, she would have gone through with the surgery.
"Hey, doc," Alonzo's voice broke into her musings. "You awake?" He vaguely waved his hand in front of her face. She turned to him and forced a smile, but she looked more sick than happy.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said.
"Uh-huh, I've heard that one before," he scoffed. "Let's try that again." Alonzo did not miss the way she deliberately scanned the group for something to use to lie to him, to get him off her back. Well, he was not going to let her get off that easily. He followed her gaze as it landed on Devon and Danziger, walking just ahead of the TransRover."Devon shouldn't be walking so much," Julia said. "She needs to rest."
"I'm sure she's fine," he sighed, playing the game, for now. "You know that if Danziger thought she was tiring herself out he would pick her up and plant her in the nearest vehicle."
Julia did not respond, but he saw her jaw tighten and her back stiffen. Alonzo remained silent for a while; watching the route ahead and the group, while his mind was busy trying to decide how to get Julia to talk to him.
"Julia, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, deciding on the not so subtle approached which had worked perfectly for him in the past.
"Sure, why?"
"Because I don't think you are," he told her. "You haven't slept in two days, and I should know, you keep waking me up. And I don't think you've been eating. So, what's bothering you?""Reilly," she finally, admitted.
So, that was it. They hadn't talked much about Reilly since she had rejoined the group. Alonzo had hoped Julia had put the whole mess behind her. Then they had discovered Bennett's ship and the Eve computer. Seeing Reilly again, having to deal with him as a machine and not as the man she thought he was, dredged up all that anxiety from where it had been carefully stored. Julia had tried to push those thoughts down again as they prepared to resume their journey. Then, Devon had nearly died and Julia had buried herself in trying to find a cure for Devon, ignoring her own problems. And, she had pushed Alonzo away, trying to pretend that everything was fine, when it obviously was not. He was relieved that she was finally opening up to him."I just wish," she cut herself off, gripping the steering wheel. "I just wish I could have spoken to him one last time."
"Why?"
"I don't know," she snapped. "Maybe to confront him. He lied to me about everything. And what's even worse, is that I was stupid enough to put words into his mouth. I asked all the questions and answered them for him. That's worse than having him lie to me. I just can't seem to let it go.""Don' t let it eat you up," he told her. Touching her shoulder, he felt the knotted tension there. He soon regretted his word, when she turned fiery eyes on him. Alonzo had not seen her this angry in a long time. It worried him. She quickly turned her attention back to driving, and he could almost see the wall she raised between them.
"Do you want me to drive for a while?" he offered. "No," she answered. "I need the distraction." "Okay, but let me know if you get tired."
Sunset would not be for another few hours when they had halted the vehicles for the day. They had traveled about 18k before they had been forced to stop. The storm clouds were rolling in fast and they had needed to get camp set up before the rain came. As for now, the camp was alive with activity, as Devon Adair leaned against a tall crate and surveyed it all. Walman, Baines, Cameron, and Mazati were setting up the solar collectors, while Morgan Martin supervised. Julia was in her tent still going over Elizabeth Anson's logs. Denner and Bess were checking the food supply. Magus and Alonzo were patrolling the camp. Danziger was checking on his vehicles. Uly and True were collecting kindling, Zero standing watch over them.
It was all as it always had been. Nothing about the exterior of the camp had changed, but inside, just beneath the surface, things were different. Devon had never felt more alive. This planet had healed her, though there was no change such as in Uly, she was altered. It was impossible to avoid change on this planet. It happened subtly, and almost went unnoticed but it did happen.
A hand came to rest on her back, sending a shock wave up her spine. Only one person had ever had that effect on her. She turned and smiled at him.
"Hey, how's it goin'?" Danziger asked. "Just fine," she answered. Turning back to the camp, she said, "It's so strange. Everything is just like it always was, but somehow it's different."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," he said. "I don't think things will every be quite the way they were."
She smiled at him and he returned it, moving next to her, resting his arms on the crate, so that their upper arms touched.
Her gaze found Julia, again and John's followed it. "She's not doin' so great, though," Danziger said. "I know," Devon said.
"Do you know what's wrong?" he asked. "I wish I did," Devon said shaking her head. "I think it might have something to do with Reilly." She shrugged. "I don't know."
Julia Heller sat at her table in the medtent, reviewing Elizabeth Anson's medical logs, forcing herself to concentrate. There was so much data, it was almost mind boggling. She tried to let the thrill of discover take over her mind, but her uncertainty and anxiety were too strong. None of the data was processing. Her mind would wander off, she'd yank it back, read a few lines, realize she was lost, go back reread what she had missed and about the time she got caught up, her mind would wander off again and she would be forced to go through the whole routine, again.
The Council thought they owned this planet and had every right to it; they were wrong. The Terrians would not let them have the planet, nor would the Syndrome children, once they were healed. Uly promised the Terrians that their planet would be safe. How? How does one stop the all mighty Council? To most people the Council was a vague governmental body which they did not pay much attention to. For Julia it had been her entire life. And now she was finding that she did not know who she was anymore.
Council affiliated doctor had been her identity all of her life. She had never wanted to be anything else, due to her chromo-tilting. But here on G889 she had found that being a doctor was not enough. Alonzo Solace remained always in the back of her mind, whispering for her to let go, to live life. Still, there was her primary duty to be done, report to the Council on the Eden Project.
Julia had done her duty to the Council because she believed that the millions of people back on the stations, needed this planet. She had had no idea of what their presence here would do to the planet and its inhabitant. Now, she realized that if they colonized this place they would be killing the Eden they had been search for, along with themselves. There was no future for humanity; not on this planet.
The Council, in its stubbornness, would use any means necessary to colonize this planet and there was no way to change that. They did not know that in doing so they would be destroying the planet they needed so badly. This was the secret Elizabeth had not had the chance to share with them and which Julia had discovered in the other doctor's files.
Julia stood up and began pacing the room. Self loathing seeped in, eating away at her like acid. She had let Reilly manipulate her. She had had a hand in helping the Council destroy this planet. As a doctor, she could not forgive herself for all the things she had done which went against her own ethical beliefs. And she could not forget that the Council was out there somewhere and she would have to answer to them.
She threw herself down on her cot, hugging herself, eyes tightly shut, trying to force the tears back. She did not register Alonzo entering the tent, so when his hand gently squeezed her arm she shot up in bed.
"Hey, it's all right. It's just me," he said, holding his hands up. "Are you okay?"
She wanted to say, "yes", but found she could not speak at all. She leaned forward, burying her face in her hands. The tears came, no matter how much she tried to fight them off, and Alonzo had her securely in his arms before she could pull away.
Julia struggled out of Alonzo's hold, launching herself off the cot. He reached for her but she backed away.
"Don't," she ordered forcefully, her hands raised to ward him off. "Just don't."
His hands dropped limp in his lap and he stared up at her helplessly.
"I just wanted to help, Julia. Please, let me help you." She stared down at him blankly, afraid of losing what last shred of sanity she still had if she let him get inside.
"There is nothing you can do to help," she told him. "I don't believe that," he said.
"Can you take back the last six months?" she all but shouted. "Can you erase the fact that I followed the orders of a computer and nearly sacrificed a small boy? That I was completely controlled by someone who doesn't even exist?""But Reilly does exist," Alonzo said, taking her completely by surprise.
"He's a program in a computer," Julia shouted. "There is no life there."
"But he does exist," he repeated. "He exists to us, to the Council, to the ZED's. Just because he doesn't breath doesn't mean he isn't real. If what's bothering you is that he's just a hologram then that is not good enough."
"Well, it is for me." She dragged her hands through her disheveled mass of hair and spun away from him. "Just forget it."
"Julia," he began so softly she almost did not hear him. "Is it the Council?"
Julia's stomach plummeted to her feet. Slowly she turned to face him, anger and fear shortening her breath and tightening every muscle in her body. She was so afraid of letting her feelings loose. And just his presence, so close to her, chipped away at her walls, threatening their strength. If he stayed here any longer she was afraid of what she might do or say.
"Alonzo," she began, a hard edge to her voice. "I think you better find another bunk mate for tonight."
"Julia." He stood up.
"Just go, now," she told him, pointing to the opening to her tent.He gazed at her for a moment, uncertain. His concern was telegraphed to her through his warm, brown eyes. He nodded and slipped carefully past her and out of the tent, into the rain.
Julia watched him go, then sank back onto her cot, hanging her head, fighting for control. She wanted to scream but it stuck in her throat, knowing that if she did it would bring everyone running. An almost silent groan escaped her tightly shut lips.
end of part 1
Scars On My Memory (2/5)
by Paula Sanders
copyright 1995The grey, mournful sky was slowly darkening into night while Devon Adair stood under the arched storage tent, as a gentle rain pattered on its surface, going over maps of the route to New Pacifica. They were going to have to change their course again. It seemed that they were constantly having to adjust their course to accommodate the vehicles or the terrain or both. The original pass they had chosen out of this valley had turned out to be too narrow and she had sent Magus and Baines out to check the northern pass. The pair was not back yet. They should have been able to make it back before the rain.
Adair tried to concentrate on her work, but the figures on the map kept blurring, as her mind began to wander to a certain tall, handsome, and incredibly sexy mechanic who had told her, only days before, that he loved her. The hint of a smile touched her lips. *He loves me,* she thought giddy. Then, a split second later, *Oh god he loves me,* screamed across her mind, terrified.
No, this was wrong. This was not Devon Adair, CEO of a multiorbit firm and leader of the Eden Advance Crew. She was daydreaming like a school girl. She had never been a school girl, nor would she ever be. But then there had not been a John Danziger in her life when she would have been a school girl. If there had been she thought she probably would have been reduced to a babbling, giddy, teenage, blob of jelly. But, now was not the time for that sort of thing. The journey to New Pacifica needed her full attention. She did not need to be daydreaming. She needed to map out the route, make sure things were running smoothly, and keep these ragamuffins in line. That should be her top priority, not John Danziger.
"Devon," Magus announced herself. Devon shook herself out of her haze and turned to see her two drenched friends, Magus and Baines scurry under the tent.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "This probably could have waited until morning."
"That's all right," Magus said, shaking out her shaggy blond hair, spraying water everywhere.
*I deserved that,* Devon thought, amused, as water splattered her.
"Yeah, a little water never hurt anybody," Baines said, sarcastically.
"So, what did you find out?" Devon asked. "The northern pass is a bit narrow but I think the vehicles can get through it just fine." Magus pulled out the scanner from her pack and flipped it on, comparing the maps. She pointed to the pass on Devon's map. "This one here. The cliffs are high on either side so not a lot of sun will get down to us, and there won't be anywhere to go to get out of the way of a rock slide. But I think it's our best bet. It seems to be the shorter of the two."
"Meaning we will be out the other side sooner," Devon surmised.
"Yeah," Baines confirmed. "Before sun down, most likely." "Good. Thanks. Now, you two go get dry." Baines and Magus smiled and turned back out into the rain. Devon watched them run to their tents. She smiled. It was good to be back. Turning back to her maps, she began marking out the new route. She was so lost in her work that she was not even aware of a presence at her back.
"Hey, Adair," Danziger whispered near her ear. Devon's heart jumped into her throat and she grabbed at her chest, closing her eyes, trying to calm herself. *Sometimes,* she thought irritably.
"John, don't ever do that again," she ordered. "You scared me half to death." She turned to see him grinning playfully. His hair glistened with the droplets of water which clung to its curly surface. He ran his hands through his hair smoothing it back. *And then again,* she thought, finding it damned hard to maintain her glared when he looked at her that way.
"Sorry," he apologized. "But, hey, I figured since you've got nine lives. What could it hurt?" She swatted at him and he danced out of her way, laughing. After deciding it was safe to return he approached the table.
"I saw Magus and Baines are back. What did they find out?" He stepped closer to her, peering over her at the maps on the table.
Devon tried hard to ignore the warmth radiating from him and the almost insignificant yet deliberate pressure of him against her back. She needed to think clearly, had work to do. She did not need this distraction.
Now, what was it he just asked?
Oh yeah.
"They think the northern pass is our best bet." "What, this one?" John asked as he reached around her, pointing at the mark on the map she had made to identify it. The weight against her back increased and his cheek brushed hers. A thrill surged through her almost obliterating her power for rational thought."Yeah, that one," she breathed, her heart skipping. He did not move and she did not want him to. Carefully, she turned her head, his hair caressing her temple. She knew this was wrong, but dammit, she could not help herself. One of his hands came up, a finger traced her jawline, and he tipped her chin up. His lips brushed against hers.
"Devon."
The couple flew apart and spun around, attempting to look innocent. Alonzo stood at the mouth of the tent a thermal blanket draped over his head, seeming completely oblivious to what he had just interrupted."What can I do for you, Alonzo?" she asked, leaning back against the table for support. She could have swore she heard Danziger mutter something about, 'great timing'.
"I need to talk to you."
"Julia needs to talk to Reilly," Alonzo told Devon.
Alonzo, Devon, Danziger and Yale, who had come in delivering another map and been dragged into the conversation, sat under the tent discussing the problems Julia was having. Alonzo was quite determined. Julia was suffering and he could not let it continue another day.
"Why does she need to talk to Reilly?" Danziger asked. "I thought we were finished with him."
"Well, Julia obviously isn't," Alonzo said. "She barely eats and I don't think she's sleeping at all. I can't let this continue. And if it means turning around and heading back then let us have the ATV for a few days and we'll go back to Bennett's ship."
"Alonzo," Devon said. "We can't spare anyone, right now. We have a lot of ground to cover and we're trying to make up for lost time. Are you sure talking to Reilly is the answer?"
"Positive," he answered, with conviction and he saw Devon nod her understanding.
"Three days," Danziger said, sighing. "I wish you'd thought of this sooner, 'Lonz."
"With the rain it will probably take you longer. If it stops by morning you could start out then but the weather's been so unpredictable. And we'd have to move slowly to give you time to catch up." Devon started putting obstacles in Alonzo's way.
Alonzo's hands clenched into tight fists, his whole body was taut with hostility. Did they not realize how much Julia needed them all. Right now, Julia was feeling alone and isolating herself. They needed to reach out to her and offer their support in any way which she would accept. Everything he had tried so far had failed. Well, he was not going to let this fail.
"Alonzo, I think there is another way," Yale said, hopefully. "When Julia was communicating with Reilly before, it was through VR, correct. And when the computer spoke to Morgan as Bennett it was in VR."
"Yeah," Alonzo said, perking up.
"I think I can set up the connection or at least a beacon of some sort to get Eve/Reilly's attention," Yale offered. "I was linked to Eve. I know the frequency necessary to reach the computer. Julia could stay here and talk to Reilly in VR.""Do you really think you can do it?" Danziger asked and Yale nodded. "Well, then let's get to it."
Danziger and Yale got to their feet, and went in search of the equipment they would need, Alonzo trailing after them.
Morgan and Bess Martin sat by the fire, so close not even the breeze could get between them. The group had gathered for evening meal and were huddled under the few canopies. The rain had stopped, for the time being. For now, they were relatively dry.
Bess scanned the group, scrutinizing her friends. She was particularly concerned with the various couples. In her mind, Bess had paired everyone off. Julia and Alonzo seemed to be having troubles. Alonzo remained on the other side of the tent and was watching Julia, concerned. Bess hated to see them suffering, after all they had been through. Baines and Denner were getting closer, but they still had a long way to go. They sat across from each other, the woman would glance up at him and quickly lower her eyes when he looked at her. Bess thought she was going to enjoy taking on this challenge.
Next, her eyes fell on Walman and Magus who had recently taken to constantly flirting with each other. They were under the arched canopy eating together, laughing. They enjoyed each others company but Bess suspected that Walman still thought of Magus as 'one of the guys' and that upset Magus. So, the blond woman was doing everything she could think of, short of showing up in his bed, to get his attention. Bess thought Walman was going to need to have his eyes opened and soon.
Lastly, Bess' attention focused on Devon and John. Here was a relationship no amount of meddling on her part could have speeded up. They were just too stubborn and independent. They would have ignored her or gotten angry, but never taken it to heart. Bess was glad they had finally given up the pretence and admitted their love for one another. Of all the couples here, herself and Morgan included, she thought that John and Devon needed each other the most, especially Devon. Their leader need to see that she did not always have to be in control and that she could let someone in to share her life.
Still, Devon and John were not entirely blissfully happy. Bess had noticed that every time they got close something would happen, either by their own doing or someone else's, to split them apart. They were never going to get anywhere at the rate they were going. And Bess suspected that Devon might be the caused of most of it.
Knowing Devon as she did, Bess knew that their leader would be worrying about the group and try to push her own feelings aside. Devon was a leader and mother first, everything else came second, or not at all. The love that she wanted to feel for John could never be as long as there was something else which needed to be done. Bess found herself wanting to shake sense into Devon. It was quite obvious to Bess that Devon would always find something which needed her full attention and never let herself be happy and love Danziger.
Right now, Devon was avoiding John, deliberately being where he was not, and Danziger seemed to be doing the same, subconsciously picking up the signals Adair was giving off.
"Those two are hopeless," Bess stated. "I know what you mean," Magus said. "I've know John a long time and he hasn't been this crazy about any woman since Elle."
"But as long as she keeps him at a distance he'll stay there," Walman told them. Magus nodded and Bess made a disgusted face.
"She's not going to let him in as long as she thinks we need her more," Bess observed. "She is such a workaholic."
"Ain't that the truth," Cameron said. "You guys are unbelievable!" Julia Heller surged to her feet, her hands balled into fists. "Isn't there anything that you consider off limits. Why can't you just leave them alone?"
Her fiery gaze landed on each one of them, stopping them cold. A growl of frustration burst from her and she stormed off to her tent. Leaving the group looking to each other for answers. They turned to Alonzo, whose eyes were wide and anxious. He shook his head and stood up slowly.
"Walman, Baines?" he asked. "Do you think you'd have room in your tent for a stray?" Both men nodded, understanding.
Yale laid Ulysses Adair down on his cot. The boy had fallen asleep in his mother's arms as they sat around the campfire, after evening meal. Devon would have carried him herself but he was beginning to get to be too big for her to carry. And Julia thought it might be too much of a strain. Though Devon could not fathom how carrying her son to bed could be too much of a strain.
Devon knelt down beside Uly. She carefully removed his shoes, set them under his bed, and pulled the cover up over him. Uly shifted and snuggled his pillow, sighing. Devon smiled down at him and lightly planted a kiss on his forehead. It was so hard to believe that only five days ago she had thought she would never have the chance to tuck her son in and kiss him goodnight, again. That thought had torn at her heart.
She had been so terrified of leaving her son. She knew he would not be alone, he would be in good hands with Yale and John but he would not have her. Part of her fear and pain was purely selfish. She wanted the chance to see her son grow, to be there for him when he needed her, to feel that bittersweet pain as he matured and drew away for her. She wanted to be there to tuck him in and to tell him bedtime stories for as long as he needed her to.
So many things had happened in the last four days; she had nearly died, they had learned further secrets of this planet and its relationship with its inhabitants, her son had taken another step to becoming the link between the two species, and she and Danziger had finally admitted their love for each other. The last terrified her the most of all.
Devon had never let herself get as close to anyone as she had to Danziger over the past few months, save Uly and Yale. Somehow, without her even realizing it, John had wormed his way into her heart and would not be shaken off. But she was still uncertain, very uncertain. How could she be sure of him? How could she know that he would not leave her like everyone else had?
She had lived such and isolated life. There had been few childhood friends and even less when she grew older. The people she had had contact with as an adult were business associate. They had not been friends in what she had learned was the true sense of the word. They had only been looking for a quick way into society; a ride on the coat tails of her Adair name. As soon as that association with her endangered them they had jumped ship. When her work on the Eden Project had made her too dangerous to associate with, they had wanted to have nothing to do with her. There was still a large part of her which could not believe that John would want her.
A gentle hand on her shoulder reminded her of Yale's presence.
"Devon, can I talk to you?" he asked. "Sure, what about?" She stood up.
His hand remained on her shoulder and he lead her to the other side of the tent. She watched him, wary. She knew that look in his eyes. He was serious about something, seriously worried."Are you all right?" he asked.
"Yes, why?" Her brow furrowed.
"I get the feeling that something is bothering you," he told her. "Are you sure you don't want to talk to me about something?"Devon sighed and sank to her cot, hanging her head. She rubbed her temple, massaging the headache away.
"Does it have anything to do with Uly? I know it disturbs you that he grows further away from you everyday. But you have nothing to worry about, Devon. You will always be his mother."
"I know that, Yale," she said. "I'm learning to deal with it as best I can."
"Julia will be fine," he said, assuming another problem. "Alonzo's right. She needs some sort of completion to this whole business with Reilly."
"I know that, too. Julia is a strong woman. She'll pull through."
"Devon, I am out of guesses" he said, gadging his tone carefully, keeping it light. "Could you at least give me a hint?"
She returned the patient smile he gave her lowering her eyes to the ground, nervous, not knowing how to broach the subject. "I do need to talk to you, Yale. It's John." She halted, feeling a flush creep up her cheeks. "I'm afraid. I feel so out of control. I've never felt like this before. It scares me."
Yale sighed and squeezed her shoulder, saying, "Devon, It's perfectly normal to feel afraid. Love is a very scary emotion. But if that love is returned then it is the greatest thing in the universe. And you know John loves you."
"But how can I be sure?" she asked. "Just ask any of us," Yale told her. "You didn't see him while you were in cold sleep. He was not the same man. You wouldn't have recognized him. I think the slim hope that you would survive was the only thing that was keeping him sane. He went to see you while you were sleeping. I don't know what he did or said but I know that he needed to be with you."
Devon felt a pang in her chest. The memory of the Terrian dream of her possible future flashed across her mind; the tangle of arms and legs, the bliss, the love and adoration, John and herself.
"But he can't want me," she denied. "All he ever did was fight with me."
"False," Yale said. "John has always been there for you and you know it. Remember how he fought to find Uly when he was first taken by the Terrians?"
"Remember? I'll never forget it," she said, feeling a warmth spread through her at the memory. "But that was for Uly. He's always cared for Uly. It doesn't mean he feels anything for me. It doesn't mean he would stay with me."
"Devon, where have you been for the last six months?" he said, bewildered. "You know John, Devon. He accepts your strengths and weakness's. He loves you, all of you."
Devon tried to conceal the giddy excitement that Yale's words were producing in her. All her logic was telling her this was wrong. But her foolish, romantic side believed every word.
"Devon, remember that John is not Richard. He is not going to get bored with you or find anyone else more appealing."
Devon launched herself off the cot and began to pace, angered at the mention of Uly's biological father.
"I know that," she said, running her hands through her hair. "Do you?" Yale asked, bluntly. Her shoulders sank. "Not really," she admitted. She continued pacing, rubbing her hands together nervously. "I'm terrified of loving him. If I let him in and he leaves me I don't think I can take it. I'm supposed to be this great, strong, independent woman. I'm not supposed to need anyone. How can I let him in and still keep that hard shell?"
"Try it cracked for a while," he advised, with a gentle smile. "That shell does not have to be in place all the time. You let me through."
"You're family, Yale. I don't have to pretend with you." "These people are your family, as well, Devon," he said, taking her hand. "Trust them and let them in."
Devon gave his hand a squeeze. "I want to," she said in a frightened tone, her eyes shining.
The tent flap was pushed aside and Alonzo's head came into view, startling both of them.
"Yale, are you coming. We need your help with the VR program."
Yale looked up at Devon and she said, "It all right. Go on." He gave her a quick hug and left with the pilot.
Devon sank to the dirt at her son's side and brush the hair back from his forehead, watching him sleep, wondering at the simplicity of his young life and knowing that that innocence would end all too soon. end of part 2
Scars On My Memory (3/5)
by Paula Sanders
copyright 1995
Devon fought for sleep, with Uly curl up next to her, in an attempt to fight off the loneliness. Her mind was racing, filled with thoughts of John and New Pacifica, which still remained an imaginary, dream place to her. It would never be real to her until she stood on the beach, her feet sinking into the sand; not after the fiasco with that space-time fold.
Questions plagued her tired mind.
What would happen once they got to New Pacifica? Would the colony ship arrive safely? She had doubts about that after what she had seen the Council was capable of. Would they be safe? Would the children be healed as Uly was heal? Every Terrian tribe was different; there were no guarantees. Would the group survive in tact? Would John stay or return to the stations?Why was she doing this to herself? She had convinced herself, years ago that she did not need romantic love, that it was not important. After the disastrous failure with Uly's father she had cut herself off to the possibility of that kind of relationship. She was determined not to let any man get inside her walls, to risk the hurt. And even though she fought against her feelings for Danziger she found they were too strong to ignore. Somewhere along the way she had come to depend on him and found that he was very important to her. She could not imagine life without him. She had dropped hints for John, but she had kept him at a distance for so long that he seemed no longer open to her.
*You're the only loner in this group, Adair,* he had said to her and had been right. In his eyes she was a loner. She held herself separate from them all, never letting them inside. But she could not let them inside her protective walls; those were her shield against being hurt. How could she drop them? She would be left defenseless.
A part of her believed that John would leave her just as everyone else had. She wanted so much to have someone like Danziger to count on. She needed the stability he represented. A quiet, often ignored inner voice told her she could always count on John; he would never leave her. But how could she be sure? How could she drop her walls to let him in and risk that he might leave her? How could she show him that she wanted him inside those walls, needed him inside? As much as she hated to admit it she did need him. And that frightened her.
Devon's throat grew tight, she could not swallow and silent tears traversed her cheeks, wetting her pillow
Through her haze, sleep crept up and seize her in its grip, dragging her down into its oblivion.
Yet, the nothingness she expected was not there. She was engulfed in a cloud of white light, suddenly feeling vulnerable. There were no protections here on the dream scape. A face, familiar and comforting appeared before her.
"Sheppard," Devon breathed, a hint of a smile touching her lips. "I've missed you."
"I've always been with you, love." He was young and strong; the man who had visited her on the station, not the greying, scarred penal colonist she had met here in the flesh.
"Why did you come back?" she asked. He disappeared from view and she heard the reply, "I heard your cries."
Devon was enveloped in a feeling of love and protection which always accompanied Sheppard. She had missed that feeling.
"Sheppard, I need you. Things would be so much easier if you were here with me."
"No, they wouldn't, Devon," he said. "And you know it. You don't need me anymore. You have friends for that."
"But I do need you."
"Devon, you are a strong woman. You always have been. You never needed me. Just my reassuring presence. But you don't need that anymore."Devon felt the pang of loss shoot through her at his words. She had expected him to be there when she was dying and her friends had put her into cold sleep, waiting for her to join him. But he was not.
"Why didn't you come to me when I was in cold sleep?" she asked.
"I did," he answered. "Just not directly. If they had not been able to heal you I'd have come for you. But as long as there was a chance I had to stay away. But I gave you the chance to talk to your friends."
"You did that?"
"They needed you as much as you needed them. Such pain," he sighed. "Uly is such a strong, determined boy. You should be proud of him.""I am. And it's all because of you, Sheppard." "No, I just pointed the way on the map. You were the one who put the whole project together. I had very little to do with it." He appeared before her again.
"Sheppard I wish you were here with me," she pleaded. "I feel so lost and afraid."
"You aren't lost, Devon. Just look to the people around you. You don't need to be afraid."
"I'm afraid of them," she confessed. "Sheppard, it was so easy with you. I want you back."
"No, you don't, Devon. Not really." "Yes, I do," she pleaded.
"You don't want me. I don't think you ever really did. How could you? You never really knew me." He floated around her; appearing in front of her, beside her, behind her. "Since we met, I've known who you want. And I helped you two find each other."Fear shot through her and she knew she could not hide from Sheppard.
"Devon," he began, his tone comforting. "John, is the one you want and always have. He loves you the way you should be loved. Love should never be easy. If it is, then it's a lie. I love you but you no longer have need of me. Devon, I want you to be happy with John."
"But I was so sure with you and I can't be with John," she said desperately.
"You can always be certain about Danziger's faithfulness," Sheppard said, then disappeared.
The peaceful light of the break of day washed through the window spreading shadows across the floor.
A woman stood in front of that window, the light glowing on her pale skin and sparkling in the dark hair which hung down her back. A pair of strong arms folded over her chest and pulled her against his broad chest. He sighed and his chin rested on her silky hair. She curled her fingers around his forearms and nuzzled his sleeve. A wide stripe of grey streaked her hair and there were more wrinkles added to her still smooth and perfect skin. He had not changed, though his hair was shorter and a few more pounds had been added to his large frame. The light danced in his eyes as he bent to kiss her cheek.
"It's good to have you home again," he whispered in her ear. "How was True?"
"She's fine," she said, kissing his forearm. "She says she'll come to visit as soon as she gets the chance. She wants to see Alexandra. It's been a whole year, I think."
"Yeah, too long," he said gazing out the window at the expanse of land stretching away from the sea.
"What about Uly?" Danziger asked.
"I think he'll come with her," Devon said. He could feel her smile against his arm.Small stockinged feet padded up behind them and there was a tug at her skirt. Two bright blue eyes stared up at her through a fringe of dusty blond bangs.
"Mommy," the little girl said.
"What is it, Alex?" Devon asked, dropping to one knee. "I missed you?" The little girl hugged her mother and John's hand rested on Devon's shoulder.The dreaming Devon stared with detached fascination at the family of three. Was this to be John and herself, in some future reality? He was there with her just as happy as he had been the day he told her he loved her for the first time. That was quite clear to her. It radiated out from them. And the beautiful little girl was their daughter, their child.
Devon Adair slept curled up next to Uly, one arm draped lovingly over him, a faint smile curving her lips.
Julia Heller dreamed she was back on the stations. But it was not a normal dream.
She stood in her mother's study, surrounded by the dark panelled walls. She could feel the rough and worn fabric of the clothing she had been wearing for the last two or three months, and somehow she felt out of place. Back on the stations, what seemed like a life time ago, this room had been a part of her, even though she hated it, that hatred belonged to her.
"Julia?" a familiar voice, one that always had the power to make Julia feel like a speck of dust on the floor, called to her. The young doctor turned around.
Her mother, Catherine Heller sat in the corner in a wing backed chair, but she was not the woman Julia remembered, not the one who had always seemed so overpowering. This Catherine Heller was an old woman. Her once shining blond hair was grey with age, and still pulled back from her face severely. Her shoulders were slightly hunched and she seemed tired, weak. Seeing her like this tugged at Julia's heart, sympathetically.
"Mother?" Julia sank to her knees in front of the old woman. A hand reached out to caress the young woman's hair. Julia's old instinct would have been to recoil but this touch was so strange and comforting. It was something she had longed for her entire life, but never been given. The young woman leaned against that hand and laid a hand on her mother's knee.
"You're alive," Catherine breathed. "You're alive and you're safe."
Julia looked up into her mother's shining eyes. The old woman was smiling, a smile Julia had never seen directed at her; a smile Devon had given to Uly.
Suddenly angry, Julia jumped to her feet. "No thanks to your precious Council," she threw at Catherine. "Did you know they would try to kill us? Did you send your only daughter into a death trap?"
Catherine looked shocked, then, lowered her head ashamed. Julia was surprised to see none of the indignation she expected.
"I know you probably won't believe me, but I had no idea Blalock had planted a bomb on the Advance ship and planned for its sabotaged. You weren't even supposed to be on that ship. If I had known I would never have agreed to send you on this mission."
Julia watched her mother carefully, maintaining a blank stare. Determined not to let her mother see what she was feeling; sympathy, grief, love. Things she never expected to feel toward this woman.
"Julia, you are my only child. Do you honestly think I would send my own flesh and blood to die?"
"For the Council you might," Julia snapped. "The Council. Ha!" Catherine said scornfully. "The Council is full of incompetent fools who can't see beyond their own egos. Their day will come."
Julia stared at her mother in disbelief. She did not know the woman sitting in front of her. Where was the woman who thought the Council was the most important thing in the universe, even more important than her own daughter? Where was the mother she had known?
"Mother, what happened to you?" she asked, point blank. "They killed my daughter," she stated simply. "For twentytwo years I have thought you were dead. When I heard about the bomb and the sabotage I could have torn Blalock's throat out with my own two hands." Catherine angrily pushed herself to her feet and began pacing. Julia noticed that her mother still stood tall and carried herself with the same dignity she always had. "But, of course, that is not the way the Council does things. No, the Council is too civilized for that kind of justice. I prayed for you everyday. I held out hope that you had found some way to survive. And you did." Catherine faced her daughter, tears glistening in her eyes. It was almost too much for Julia.
"Yes, I did. We all did, almost all of us. Do you know everything that goes on here?" Julia asked.
Catherine Heller turned her eyes away and nodded. "The biostat chips? Mother, those almost killed us," Julia accused. "You know about Eve and Reilly? The penal colonists? Everything?" Julia's fingernails bit into the flesh of her palms. "Damn the Council!"
"Julia, I was sworn to secrecy."
"Even to your own daughter?"
"I told you that it was a delicate situation. How was the Council supposed to maintain order and peace if everyone here knew about G889 and what was happening there?"Julia did not move to say anything just glared at the older woman. The Council; it always came down to the Council and how important it was to maintain control. Hang the Council.
"I watched a man and woman die because of the Council's need to control this planet. I watched a friend die because of those damn implants. And I sat helplessly by and watched while this planet tried to kill Devon Adair. And you stand there and tell me about the Council's importance."
"Julia, please. I don't want to fight about the Council. I should not even be defending them." Her mother stopped short as if playing back what her daughter had just said. "Did you say Devon is dead?"
"No, she survived," was all Julia said. Her mother sighed. "How is her son?"
"He's fine. The Terrians, I assume you already know about them, healed Uly completely.""How?"
"It's a long story, Mother," Julia said, weary. "I really don't want to waste time explaining it to you.""Fine," Catherine said, nodding. "Julia, I don't want to defend the Council or myself. I just want to know you are all right."
"Mother, I have more here than I ever thought possible. But, why should you care?" Julia asked hatefully.
"I suppose I deserved that. I was not exactly the perfect mother."
"You pushed me into a corner and brought me out only when I was convenient."
"Now, that is untrue. I loved you. I wanted so much for you, but the only life I knew was the Council. That was the only way I knew of providing you with the best, most secure future. I know now that I was shortsighted. All I want now, is to know that you are happy."
Despite herself Julia responded to her mother's words. She had wanted to hear them for so long, to know that her mother loved her. It did not heal all the wounds but it somehow made them more bearable.
"Yes, I am happy," Julia told her. "I found friends here and a man who loves me for who I am and believes in me. I have a family here."
"You have a family here on the stations, as well," Catherine told her.
"Do I? I thought you told me that if I turned my back on the Council it would be considered an act of treason against my family. They will come after me when we reach New Pacifica."
"The Council will not come after you," her mother told her with conviction. "And even if they did, they would not have the power to bring any kind of action against you."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I told you. The Council's day has come." Catherine Heller faded and disappeared before Julia's eyes, leaving her alone in that apathetic room.Julia slept alone on her cot, huddled under her blanket, her arms folded over her chest, while the rain pounded against the tent. A single tear escaped one tightly shut eyelid and trailed down her cheek to land on the pillow.
end of part 3
Scars On My Memory (4/5)
by Paula Sanders
copyright 1995
"Julia, I thought you wanted this?"
Alonzo held out Julia's VR gear to her, and she cowered from it. The morning had brought with it no answers, but she did wake with a strange, dim sense of security and peace, and a phrase playing over in her mind, "The Council's day has come." But the fear still clung to her, holding her down.
"I do," she shot at him, angrily, annoyed with herself. She did not need to be frightened. Reilly was only a computer generated hologram. What could he do to her?
*He succeeded in manipulating you before. Who's to say he can't do it again,* she answered herself. *Report you to the Council,* came another answer, infinitely more frightening.
It had always been silently acknowledged that some day she would have to face the Council and the repercussions of her betrayal. And it was a betrayal. Just because she thought she was doing the right thing did not mean it was not treachery in someone's eyes. Anytime any one person turned their back on another it was considered treason. The thought of what the Council might do to Julia scared the group and it was easier to ignore than deal with.
"Julia," Alonzo began, softly. "I can't stand to see you like this anymore. You have to talk to Reilly before it kills you," he stated bluntly. She knew he was right, but that did not make it any easier.
"Just give me a minute, all right," she requested harshly. "Okay." He nodded and left her alone. Julia picked up the gear from the table and glared at it, angrily. It was just a headset. Her anger was not directed at it, but at what it represented; the Council, loss of control, betrayal, and the heritage she longed to renounce. She tucked it into her belt and threw the tent flap aside.
"This isn't good."
John Danziger sat in Devon Adair's tent, facing her, leaning back against the table she was attempting to working at. The stormy, gray daylight glowed through the white fabric of the tent, as the rain lashed at its surface. The downpour had begun in earnest sometime during the night and the Eden Crew had been forced to stay in this spot another day.
"I know," Devon agreed.
Maps were strewn on the table in front of her, but she was not paying any attention to them. The children were with Yale, studying and she and John were alone. At least for now, until someone decided they could not go on another second without consulting either of them. Would they ever be given a moments privacy? Even when they were left alone they spent most of that time just waiting for someone to come barging in."This can't be good for the group," she said. "Yeah."
Devon worried her stylus, turning it over and over in her hand, twirling it. John wanted to reach out and grab that hand, to stop it; it was making him nervous. She stared at the tent wall, lost in her own thoughts, giving him the chance to just stare at her. Sometimes, she took his breath away she was so beautiful.He remembered the day the Eden crew sat in the escape pod, terrified, trapped with nowhere to go but out into the unknown. Devon had had the courage to voice what they all knew was true; they had to face the unknown to survive. At that moment, on some subconscious level, John had been forced to reevaluate his view of the arrogant, spoiled, idealistic Devon Adair.
For years he had heard of the Adair family; known about their power and money, and hated them for it. They had so much money, had everything they could possibly want, when everything that John Danziger had ever wanted had been denied him or taken away from him. He had been forced to live in squalor all his life because of people like the Adairs, and what was worse those people never gave a seconds thought to his predicament.
The first time Danziger had met Devon Adair, when he was hired for the job, he'd seen something in those bright, shining eyes of hers which told him there was more to her than he could ever guess. But their personalities had clashed, Devon's optimistic view on life and his more realistic cynicism were like oil and water, at first. They kept getting in each others way and making each other mad. Danziger tried to offer advice to her, whenever he thought she might need it, and she always got angry with him as if he were calling her a foolish helpless female, but he had always known different. No woman he had ever known fit that description.
The only times they did work well together was when Devon dropped her guard and let him in. It did not happen often and John was careful not to let her know it surprised him. He'd had experience dealing with women like Adair, her emotions never frightened him. Elle was a strong woman but she was also comfortable with her feminine side. Dealing with Devon was difficult for John because she seemed afraid of that needy, vulnerable side of her nature and bottled it up, away from herself and everyone else. But it was still there, seen though the cracks which often appeared on her hard shell. He only wish she would let him through more often.
The combination of strength and vulnerability Devon carried with such grace, reminded him of Elle. He had always been drawn to women with fire in their eyes, and when Elle had died he had thought he would never find anyone to match that perfect blend again. Then, Devon had entered his life. Still, he knew that Devon was out of his reach. She was a high society lady and he was a drone, plain and simple. There was no way a woman like her would every think twice about a man like him. He had felt that, even had it not been for the fact that their journey to New Pacifica was more important than their own feelings, she would never have been interested in him. Yet, she was. Slowly, as they traversed the continent he had learned that the line between the classes, at least for Devon, was not so clearly defined as it was for him. She tried to treat them all with respect.
Danziger's hand raised and he caressed her cheek, with a start she turned to him. Her look of surprise turned to a smile and she reached up to take his hand.
"We have to do something," she told him. "I know," he said.
"I'm not getting any work done."
"Me either."
His eyes repeatedly travelled the same path from her eyes, to her mouth, to that hollow at the base of her throat revealed by the way her blouse hung open at the neck."This is too much of a distraction," she said, pulling her hand free of his. "It's ridiculous. I'm the leader of this group. I'm supposed to be committed to that leadership not distracted by you. I need to be focused on getting us to New Pacifica. The group needs a focused leader. John, would you stop that," she growled, tossing the pen on the table.
"Stop what?" he asked, oblivious.
"Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?" He was enjoying tormenting her. His eye fell again on that hollow and she growled. "Like that." She pointed at him.
"I can't help it." He leaned close to her, mere inches from her face. The clean, sweet scent of her teased his nose. She abruptly drew away and he sat back against the table, sighing heavily.*All right,* he thought. *If this is the way she wants to play it, then that's the way we'll play it.* If she was so determined to be professional about this, he would give it a try.
"So, what do you suggest we do, Boss?" he asked, trying to hide his irritation, but failing miserably.
"Oh no, don't pull that old routine on me," Devon warned. "You're the one who wants to do this business-like," he returned.
Devon's eyes flared with anger, then just as suddenly, calmed and she sighed, audibly. Leaning forward, she rested her elbows on the table, her face in her hands.
"I knew we shouldn't have done this. It was stupid," she whispered and John felt the first twinge of doubt.
*Oh god, please tell me I wasn't wrong about her.* Suddenly, maybe for the first time in his life, he could not find his voice.
She glanced at him, anxiously, then quickly turned her eyes up to the roof of the tent, watching the shadows of the raindrops as they hit the roof and slid off its slick surface.
"Do you think we could put this on hold until we reach New Pacifica?" she asked, sounding like she almost hoped he did not hear her. John's eye were smiling with relief, but she missed all of this, as she would not meet his gaze. When he did not answer right away she surged to her feet, striding to the other side of the tent.
"Devon, do you honestly think it would be best for anyone if we tried to ignore our feelings for each other? Don't give me that look. It was different before because we didn't know. Now, we do and I know from my point of view it would be damned hard to forget how I feel."
When he stopped talking she turned away and made a short frustrated laugh. He understood how she felt. He did not like this anymore than she did. Faint twinges of guilt gnawed at him for being so selfish, for being happy with Devon. He could only imagine what it was doing to her. Devon was right; they were supposed to be leading this group not acting like love struck teenagers. They had to get this group to New Pacifica and they were not going to do that if they were too busy staring at each other to care what was ahead of them.
"John, what if it didn't work out?" she asked him. "Remember what happened with Morgan and Bess? They were so happy together, so totally in love and then, suddenly, Bess started thinking about someone else."
"But they worked it out."
"I know that. But it could so easily have not. And it's worse for us. It would destroy the group."Somewhere under the surface of her words he heard their true, hidden meaning. Devon was terrified he would leave her, that he would become interested in someone else and toss her aside like she had meant nothing to him. How could she think that? How could she think anyone could steal him away from her?
He stood up and crossed the tent to her side, taking her shoulders and turning her to face him.
"Devon, I love you. And there is nothing I can do to change that or take it back. Besides, I don't want to. Trust me. What happened between the Martin's will never happen to us. I am crazy about you." His smile drew one out of her. "You're right, though. This's very bad timing. But it'd never work for us to just stop loving each other until it was more convenient."
"Oh, come on, John," she said. "We're both mature, sensible adults."
"Yeah, well, we sure aren't acting that way," he said, playfully.
"But we should be."
"I know. But you have to admit, this is more fun." He brought his forehead to rest against hers. A finger trailed down the side of her face.Devon smiled, bringing out her graceful laugh lines, her eyes sparkling playfully. Her hands, inside his jacket, moved against his back, knowing exactly what they were doing. He brushed her hair back from her face, caressing her cheek. His thumb brushed her lips and she kissed it. Stretching up to kiss him, he met her lips, kissing her once then he drew back to gaze at her. Her eyes remained closed, waiting for another kiss. With a feather touch he traced a line from her forehead, over the slope of her nose, her soft lips, chin, and down her throat. Her eyes popped open when he did not stop. He smiled down at her, mischievously and his hand glided up her shoulder to her neck and finally stopped, buried under her hair, cupping the back of her head. He captured her lips with his and drew her into a passionate kiss. Devon pressed herself to him, returning the kiss with equal passion.
His lips trailed over her neck, his face smooth against her soft skin; he had shaved that morning. She buried her fingers in his hair as he met her lips again. As Danziger drew away from her, a low moan escaped Devon's throat and she reached for him, but he held her off.
"As much as I'd love to continue this," he breathed. "Isn't this the point where somebody usually burst through that tent flap and wrecks the mood."
She could not control the laugh which burst out. "Uh-huh." They both turned to look at the tent flap and as if on cue. . .
"Devon," Julia Heller announced herself. Adair craned her neck to look back at John. He smirked and nodded.
"We'll finish this conversation later," Devon whispered to him as he moved away from her and the tent flap was pulled aside.
"Julia, I'm fine," Devon said, when she saw the doctor enter the tent. The only time Julia had seen Devon in the past few days was to make sure she was feeling all right and not overexerting herself.
"I feel great. I'm not tired at all, my breathing and heart rate are normal. Well, at least they were a few minutes ago," she added looking pointedly at John. Julia smiled, confused, almost missing the reference, and too preoccupied to play along.
"I know, Devon. That's not why I'm here. I have a favor to ask."
Devon put on her best leader pose and John shifted uneasily. "Sure, anything, what is it?"
"I'll just get out of your way," Danziger said, heading for the opening."No, it's all right, John," she assured him. Julia pulled out her gear and held it up, her hand unsteady. "I don't think I can do this alone," Julia told her. Devon returned a sympathetic gaze. "Would you, at least, be there on audio?"
Julia needed to feel that she was being backed up, protected. Her fears were not of Reilly but of herself. She was afraid of breaking down. She needed to know that she had support. And Devon was the first person Julia had thought of. She could not really say why. Maybe it was because Devon was there beside her when she had turned her back on Reilly, welcoming her back into the fold.
"Of course," Devon answered. She gave Julia one of those mothering looks, designed to ease nerves.
"Thank you."
Julia stood in an empty, dull, gray room, waiting for Reilly to show himself. Harsh lighting added to the unfriendly aura of the programmed cell. Heller thought she would like to have a talk with Yale about his programming choice when she was finished here.
"Devon, are you still there?" Julia asked, sounding like a kid being sent off to her first day of school.
"Yes," came the comforting reply. "And I'll be ready to jump in if you need me."
"Good," Julia said and switched the channel from private mode to the one Yale and Danziger had set up. She paced and bit her lower lip, folding her arms over her chest.
*Where is he, dammit?* The incessant beeping of the beacon was loud and clear. He would not ignore it. He still thought he had some claim on Julia. But he was wrong. He would never manipulate her, again.
The rushing sound and the flash of light announced Reilly's arrival, and Julia felt her knees threaten to give out under her. Her heart was pounding so hard her throat hurt.
"Ah, Citizen Heller. What a surprise," he said as he coalesced in front of her. "Can I assume that this means you are back among our ranks?"
"I wouldn't assume anything if I were you, Reilly," she said, coolly.
"Oh my, such venom. I should watch myself with you." "Yes, I think you should," she said, her arms switching to be clasped behind her, creating a more commanding air about her. Her gaze remained level and there was no outward sign of her inner turmoil.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" he asked. "I just wanted to see you as you really are," she told him. "One hundred percent machine. No flesh, no blood, just circuits and programming."
He twitched, nervously. Oh, he was good. "I don't see the point," he said. "I'm no different than I was before."
*Yes you are,* she thought.
"You said, I would die running," she said, steering the conversation."Yes, I believe I did." He shifted uncomfortably. "Well, thanks to you and Elizabeth none of the Eden project will die," she told him. "But you knew that already, didn't you? You knew, all along, what you were doing."
"I don't quite get your meaning."
"The virus," she said. "You knew you were dying and would take us with you. Didn't you?" she confronted. "When exactly did the break down begin?""I have a feeling you already know the answer to that question," he said, deliberately being evasive. She was not going to let him get away with it.
"I want you to tell me," she insisted. "Why should it matter to you? I have put the whole thing behind me. Haven't you?"
"I want to know. And you are going to tell me." She fought to keep her composure.
"And what makes you think I will do anything you say?" "What could it hurt? As you said, you have put it behind you. It's in the past. There's no way I could use it against you."
He turned away from her, considering her words. Julia watched him amazed at how he had mastered the little idiosyncrasies of human behavior. He shifted, rubbed his chin, furrowed his brow, then turned back to her with an oily smile.
"All right. If you really think it will help to know. The break down had begun before you injected the Terrian tainted DNA into your system."
Julia stared at him blankly. That early; she would never have guessed.
"So, why did you keep lying to me? Why didn't you tell me what was happening?"
"And if I had you would have helped me? I don't think so." "I would have had no choice. If you died we all would have died."
"We are totally dependent on each other," he said, smiling predatorial.
"Yes, because there is no one up there to help you. You're up there all alone."
"You have no idea what you're talking about," he said. Julia smiled, slightly. She could feel the strength of Devon and the whole Eden crew buoying her.
"Oh, yes I do. You needed us to fix you, to purge the virus. But our life signs were fading in and out and you couldn't keep up with us. You'd lost contact with everything down on the planet, except us. We're all you had down here. You were afraid we wouldn't be able to get to you before the virus killed you." He remained silent and impassive. "I was afraid when we got to the winter camp that you would come for us. But you can't because there is no one up there with you."
"How can you be so sure of that?" he asked her. Julia's eyes grew wide and she was stopped dead. She held her breath, unable to think of any kind of response, wishing she could back out of VR, away from Reilly. Devon must have sensed Julia's fear because she appeared beside her. Reilly visibly balked.
"Adair," he said, through clenched teeth. "How good of you to join us."
Devon simply stared at him impassively. Julia's courage returned with Devon's strengthening presence.
"I have been lied to by too many people, Reilly," she told him, forcefully. "I will not be lied to, again."
"You can't intimidate her or us anymore, Reilly," Devon said. "When you face death together it kind of destroys that power to control. We know your weakness," she threatened.
"You may think you do," Reilly said, all pretense of civility gone. "You cannot stop the Great Council, Devon. We will have this planet, and there is nothing you can do to change that."
"Well, we'll just see about that," Devon challenged. She turned her eyes from the venomous gaze of the hologram to Julia. Adair nodded and they turned out of the VR program.
end of part 4
Scars On My Memory (5/5)
by Paula Sanders
copyright 1995
"How are we going to fulfill the promise, Devon?" Alonzo asked.
"I don't know, Alonzo," Devon answered. The entire group sat around the campfires, debating. No one had any answers. There was no way a group of fifteen people could affect an organization as large and powerful as the Council.
"They can't expect us to control the Council. That's crazy," Baines said.
"Who knows, they may already have other colony ships on their way here, now," Magus hypothesized.
"I've said this more times than I care to admit but I'll say it again," Julia began. "The Council can't control G889 because of the Terrians. They will never colonize until they can control this planet. And if we keep the truth of how the change occurs out of their hands they can never relocate here."
"I think the smartest thing we can do is find a way to remove these biostat implants. That way Eve won't be able to track us," Devon stated.
"How? It's impossible," Denner said. "Elizabeth said they are attached to our brain stems. There's no way to remove them."
"There has to be a way." Julia began pacing. "I know how." Uly stood at the edge of the group. He had been listening, taking it all in. He was the one who had made the promise, he should be involved.
"Uly," Devon said. "What do you mean you know?" "I know. The Terrians showed me," he stated casually. Devon fought to maintain composure, and ignore the sick feeling she always experienced when Uly spoke of the Terrians. She still could not suppress the desire to have her son back; the one who was not this strange half Terrian-half Human boy.
"What did they show you, Uly?" Alonzo asked, the only one not too disturbed to ask.
"They say they can remove the chips. It's easy." Devon turned to Alonzo who shook his head. "I don't know anything about this, Devon," he told her. "Do you think they would tell you?" "Maybe," he answered.
"Then, find out," she ordered, impatiently. He found a comfortable position and entered the dream plane.Alonzo had never experience the dream plane quite like this. He was actually seeing the biostat chips from the inside and how they were connected to the brainstem. Tendrils of light spread up and down from the chips, completely integrated into the nervous system. Then, they began to fade and fizzle, retracting into the chips. The chip crumpled and drifted away, like sparks from a fire.
With a slight jerk Alonzo was back in camp with the others; everyone gazing at him expectantly.
"The Terrians have the ability to interfere with our technology. Somehow, they can dissolve the chips. I don't quite know how to explain it, but the chips will just disappear."
"Will there be any backlash or pain, like we experienced when Eve was fixed?" Denner asked.
"I'm not sure," Alonzo told her. "The Terrians didn't say anything about that. There will probably be some discomfort but nothing as bad as before."
"With the biochips gone we can destroy Eve," Walman stated. "I'm not sure we want to do that right away," Julia said. Alonzo stared at her dumbfounded. How could she possibly defend that thing?
"What? Why?" Danziger asked.
"We don't need to destroy Reilly." She hit the table top with her fist, angered at the slip. "Eve just yet. Who knows, we may need it later," Julia explained."I don't plan on usin' that computer for anything," Danziger stated, firmly.
"Julia's right, John," Devon said. "Eve is our only link to the stations. We can't cut ourselves off from them like that. We may need that when we get to New Pacifica. Anyway, we can always destroy her later." He sighed and nodded, still seeming unconvinced.
Deciding the conference was over everyone scattered, going about their own business. Devon remained standing at the table watching them, as she called up some data about the area on a viewer.
"Devon, there's something that we need to clear up." Yale appeared beside her.
"What?" she asked, turning from the viewer to face him. "Everyone has been wondering why you don't have an implant. But they are afraid to ask."
"So, you thought you would ask for them," she said. "Yes, do you know why?" he asked.
"I don't know for sure," she said, with a sigh. "Do you have any theories as to why they are used?""Yes, they were given to every person who left station subspace. The Council wanted a way to monitor the citizens wherever they were."
"How were the implants administered?" "Probably like Bennett said, disguised as a vaccination of some sort."
Devon surprised Yale by laughing. He watched her carefully wondering if she had suddenly gone crazy.
"Devon, what is it?" he asked, trying to contain the smile that her infectious laugh was trying to pull out of him.
"Do you remember when we were all called in for our vaccinations?" she asked, getting herself back under control.
"Yes."
"Then you should remember that I was too busy, with meetings about level clearance and personnel, to take the time for it. If I remember right, you took Uly to Dr. Vasquez. I promised him I would get them all before I went into cold sleep. Julia didn't get around to it until after we had crashed. I think she had to mock something up."Now Yale was laughing with Devon.
"I guess that explains it. You always were unselfish to a fault, Devon," he scolded."I think you can safely tell the group that it was not some Council plot." She gave him a hug and he smiled down at her.
"That was the farthest thing from our minds."
Julia Heller watched Alonzo Solace from a safe distance across camp, as he lifted a crate up to Walman who was up on the TransRover. She chewed on her bottom lip, nervously; trying to decide whether she should go talk to him. He did not deserve the harsh treatment she had been heaping on him for the past few days. It was hurting him. She could see that in the way he carried himself. The sparkle was gone from his eyes, and he had that look of a child who thought maybe he had done something wrong but was not sure what it was he was supposed to have done.
Screwing up her courage Julia stood up, leaving her supplies three quarters of the way packed and made her way to Alonzo.
"Alonzo, can I talk to you?" She stood awkwardly in front of him. It seemed like forever since she had felt this awkward around him.
"Uh, sure," he replied, surprised. He turned to look, askance, at Walman.
"Sure, go on. No problem," he answered the silent question. Julia turned and walked to her tent, listening for Alonzo's footsteps behind her, turning to face him as soon as they were safely inside. She shifted nervously, looking everywhere but at him. Finally, she locked gazes with him.
"I'm sorry," she said simply.
Alonzo sighed, smiling that giddy, honest smile of relief. "I'm sorry, too," he said. "I should have been more understanding.""More understanding?" Julia said, her eyes wide. "How could you have possibly been more understanding than you already were? I'm the one who needs to apologize. I pushed you away when I knew I needed you. I'm sorry for throwing you out last night."
"Hey, its all right, really. You just needed time to yourself."
"God, would you stop it." She threw up her arms, exasperated. At his questioning gaze she added, "Stop being so perfect. Stop telling me you're not hurt, that it doesn't matter that I treated you like dirt. Would you at least get mad or something."
"I can't," he told her, grinning. "What would be the point?" She stared at him as if he were one of the great wonders of the world they had missed when naming the seven.
"I don't deserve you," she said, stepping closer to him. "No, you don't deserve me. But you're stuck with me just the same," he told her, smiling and reached out to grasped her shoulder, pulling her close.
Sometimes it frightened her to think what her life would have been if she had never been assigned to the Eden Project, never crash landed on this planet, and never met Alonzo. It would not have been a life. Sure, she would have been walking around, breathing, thinking, existing, but not living. Her life had started the moment she had crash landed on G889. She looked back on the crash as the best thing that could ever have happened to her. If it had not been for the crash . . .
Yep, that settled it. She was right and truly certifiable. Julia returned Alonzo's smile, gratefully leaning into his embrace. She stretched up to kiss him and he responded eagerly. If only it did not have to end with a kiss, but there was always later.
"It's too bad the rain didn't last another day," he said. She gazed up at him, still pressed against the length of him. He caressed her cheek and grinned. "Just keep that thought on hold until tonight."
She nodded, grabbed two handfuls of his jacket and pulled him down to kiss him soundly, one more time. She let him go, turned on her heals and left the tent to return to packing, leaving Solace standing in the middle of the tent, trying to remember which way was up.
Devon Adair threw her rolled up tent fabric up onto the TransRover. She turned to pick up a case and found herself staring at John Danziger's boots. She straightened up to meet his gaze. Confronted with the spark of desire in his eyes she wondered how she could have ever thought he did not want her.
"You wanted to continue our conversation," he said, flirtatious.
"John," she chided, glancing around at the group. "We're getting ready to leave."
"Yeah I can see that," he said. "I've been thinking about this and I think we should get it out of the way before we head out."
"Get what out of the way?" she asked, flushing at the double meaning she read into his words, annoyed with herself.
"We have to talk and I don't want to do it out in front of everybody."
Devon nodded and he gestured for her to lead the way to a semi-secluded spot under the trees, away from camp. They passed Julia as she exited her tent, smiling sweetly. Devon and John ventured a glance inside her tent and saw Alonzo staring after the young doctor, his fingers to his lips.
"It looks like they patched things up," Devon said. "Yeah, I think that'll make Baines and Walman real happy," Danziger said. Everyone knew that Alonzo had bunked with the two men last night and they all knew what that meant; trouble in paradise.
Devon halted once they were out of sight of everybody and turned to John.
"So, what did you want to tell me?" she asked. "I don't really know," he admitted sheepishly. "I thought maybe you would've come up with something."
"Wonderful. Thank you so much." Devon glared at him. "Why did you drag me all the way over here? I have work to do. We both do." She started to leave.
"I think they can handle the packing without us for a few minutes," he told her, gripping her arm and keeping her from leaving. A moment of uncomfortable silence spread between them before Danziger asked, "Devon, will you tell me what you want?"
"What I want?" She pulled away from him and put some distance between them. "I don't think anyone has ever asked me that question." She laughed self-consciously.
"I'd like to hear the answer."
"I'm not sure I have an answer. I've never really been selfish enough to wonder what I want. Well, that's not entirely true. Everybody thinks about what they want sometimes. I was selfish about finding a cure for my son. But I guess that doesn't really count, does it?""Devon, you're babbling and we are on a clock here." A slight grin smoothed the edge off his words.
"I want you, John," she blurted out. "Is that clear enough for you?"
"Yeah, it is," he said, smiling and stepped closer to her, taking her hands.
"But we can't do this now," she said, forcing him to drop her hands. "Our minds should be focused on the group and our goal of getting to New Pacifica within the next six month. We can't be fawning all over each other. It wouldn't be fair to the group. It's all right for Julia and Alonzo and Morgan and Bess but not for us."
"How so?" he asked, moving around her side. All of Devon's nerve endings were tingling, she hated that. Well, not the feeling just that it took away from her ability to reason. That she hated.
"They don't have to lead this group," she told him, mentally following his movements. "I've only just learned how to keep this group running smoothly. I won't jeopardize the cohesiveness of the group simply for my own needs. Could you do that?" She could almost hear his voice in her head answering, *Hell, in a split second, lady.* But she could not fault him for that, because she knew a part of her was saying something very similar.
"I suppose not," he answered.
"It's not convenient, right now," she said, as much to him as herself."Would it ever be more convenient?" he asked. She did not know how to answer. He was right, it would never be the right time for them. There would always be something more important to be done. She knew that she would always be looking for the next challenge and ignore her own needs.
He now stood behind her, his hand at her neck lifted the hair away from it. His fingers brushed her bare skin, rising goose-flesh. She wanted to scream at her feet to move, to put some distance between them, but she was froze in place. He brought his lips down to the curve of her neck and she leaned against his chest. Abruptly, she pulled away, pushing herself forward.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about," she shouted. "The group is over there doing the work while we're. . .we're. . ."
"Playing," he finished for her, with a mischievous grin. "God, John! You are making this so damned hard," she growled, ignoring the instinct to throw something at him. He immediately sobered.
"I'm sorry, Devon. Its just . . ." "John, Devon." Danziger was cut off when Julia came running toward them.
Danziger made a quiet growl of frustration and Devon stamped her foot into the ground.
"I think you better come hear this," Julia said. "What?" Devon snapped.
"Just come on," Julia told them.
John was the first to move, stepping around Devon and disappearing behind the trees. Devon stared after him shaking her head."Devon, come on." Julia motioned for her to follow. "All right, I'm coming." Devon followed the doctor back to where the camp had been set up. What she found there surprised her. No one was working. They were all standing around waiting for Devon and John, as they approached anxiously.
"The group has something we'd like to tell both of you," Julia announced, then stepped back.
Bess stepped forward and said, "We all know what's going on between you two so you can quit hiding."
"What do you mean?" Devon said, attempting ignorance, something she was not good at.
"Adults," True muttered. "Sometimes you guys can be so dense."
"Oh come on, Dev," Magus said. "Do you think we're stupid?" "Yeah, give us some credit guys. We're not total idiots," Walman said.
"And you guys are really bad at hiding it," Morgan chimed in, surprising Devon.
"We've all known it was only a matter of time before you two got together," Bess put in.
Devon stared at all of them stunned. Danziger shook his head, smiling at his friends.
"We just didn't think it would happen so soon," Baines said. "Yeah, most of us had after we reached New Pacifica," Magus said. "But no one could've figured in Devon nearly dying when we set up the pool."
"You had a betting pool on us?" The expression on Danziger's face was caught somewhere between anger and hilarity.
"Well, we had to do something to keep ourselves entertained while we were trapped in that winter camp," Alonzo defended, grinning.
Hilarity was the victor and Danziger laughed, while Devon turned a spectacular shade of red. She turned away, leaning against John's arm. He gave her shoulder a reassuring pat.
"Devon," Julia said, carefully. "We didn't do this to embarrass you. We just wanted to tell you both how happy we are to see that you two finally got around to admitting how you feel about each other."
"We should have waited until we reached New Pacifica," Devon said, turning around.
"Why?" Denner asked. "That would be silly." "Because you all need our undivided attention," she answered.
"Devon, in case you hadn't noticed," Cameron said. "We're not children. We don't require 'round the clock attention."
"I'm not so sure about that," Danziger muttered. "Hey, we can handle ourselves," Walman said. "Yeah," Magus said. "If you're worried about not givin' us your all we promise that if we see you two gawkin' at each other when you should be workin' we'll give you a nudge."
"You two have done so much for us, let us do something for you," Bess told them. "Let us take on some of the responsibility."
Devon was speechless. Yale appeared at her side, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Devon, let yourself have this. Be happy," Yale whispered, only for her ears. She looked up at him surprised
"This is ridiculous," Devon sighed. "Don't mind her," Danziger slipped an arm around Devon's shoulder, pulling her close. "She's only slightly off her rocker."
Devon rolled her eyes, favoring John with that long suffering look he was used to. Peering through the crowd she saw her son standing uncomfortably at the edge of the group. She looked up at Danziger who chewed his lower lip nervously. She crossed to Uly dropping to her knees.
"Uly, is something wrong?" she asked. "No, not really," he said. "I was just thinking. Does this mean True is gonna be like my sister?" He screwed up his face.
Devon laughed and looked over her shoulder at the Danzigers. True made a face of disgust and her father gave her ponytail a tug.
"I don't know if we should be thinking that far ahead just yet, Uly," she told him.
"I would say yes," Alonzo leaned down to whispered to the boy, but pitched his voice so everyone could hear. He loved stirring up trouble.
"But ya know." Walman joined in. "It's not that different from what you got goin' now."
"Yeah, I mean she's already got a head start on bossin' you around," Cameron added.
Uly rolled his eyes and True looked decidedly guilty. Devon ruffled her son's hair and gave him a reassuring smile.
"Come on crew," Devon said, standing up, taking on her leadership persona all of a sudden. "Let's get finished packing. We've got twenty kilometers to make today."
This made everyone snap to. She watched them go about packing, feeling giddy. She never thought, in her wildest dreams, that she would have so many people to call friends, true friends.
"Well, I guess they decided it for us," Danziger said, slipping his arm around her shoulder. She draped an arm around his waist and smiled up at him.
"I guess they did. But I still think we should take it slow, you know?" She was not ready to jump in with both feet. This was all so new to her, she needed time to sort it out.
"I think I do," he answered. "Come on, we've got work to do." He gave her shoulder a squeeze and they separated going about their individual tasks.
"I think we should probably answer it," Alonzo stated, flatly.
They all heard the persistent beeping from Eve/Reilly, but chose to ignore it, leaving the computer to wonder for a few hours.
They had left this valley and managed a 20k day, camping in a shady spot, near a river and spirits were high. Julia's fears had washed away with the rain and reconciling with Alonzo.
Last night the Terrians and humans had gathered in the caves. The Terrians had removed the biostat implants easily. A hand placed at the base of the skull, mild discomfort and poof they were gone, like magic.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Danziger agreed. Still no one moved, just staring down at their gear in a pile on the table.
"I wish you'd hurry up about it," Magus grumbled. "That damn noise is givin' me a headache,"
Julia was the first to reach for her gear; Devon next, the rest followed; Walman, Magus and Yale stayed on audio.
"Ah, the gangs all here," Reilly said, dripping sarcasm, at the sight of the group of four as they entered VR together.
"What do you want, Reilly?" Julia asked, not hiding her animosity.
"It seems I'm having a spot of trouble up here. I've lost your vital signs," he said.
"Yes, we know," Julia stated simply. "How?" he asked, eyes narrowing.
"The boistat implants are gone," Devon told him. "Gone? But how? They can't be removed without killing you. They're fully integrated into your systems.""It seems you don't know as much about this planet as you think you do," Danziger said, enjoying turning the table on the computer.
"You've lost Reilly," Julia said, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. "You've lost me, you've lost Uly and you've lost control over this planet. You are all alone up there."
"Maybe," he taunted, again. "Once you get to New Pacifica, we will know where you are. The Council will come for you, Heller," he told Julia. She favored him with an icy stare.
"Let them come," she stated and glanced at her friends around her. They all removed their gear, as one, leaving Reilly alone, again.
"He's right, you know," Julia said. "We can't be sure there is no Council up there. Bennett could have been wrong. Fifty years is a long time."
"I know." Devon nodded. "We just have to take things one day at a time," Devon told her.
"Just like we always have," Danziger put in.
Alonzo Solace
**I thought we might lose Julia to her guilt and pain. But this planet, again reached out to us. It took the torn, divided soul that she was and has shown her her true self. We have all been given the chance, on this planet, to show ourselves, and others, what we are truly capable of. For some of us this is Eden.**-The End-
send comment and feedback to: paula.sanders@shawnee.org
This text file was ran through PERL script made by Andy. Original text file is available in Andy's Earth 2 Fan Fiction Archive.