Date: Sun, 21 Dec 1997 21:19:13 -0500 From: corgi@idt.net Subject: Carry On Dancing Sender: owner-tales@stargame.dyn.ml.org To: tales@stargame.dyn.ml.org X-Authentication-warning: stargame.dyn.ml.org: bin set sender to owner-tales@stargame.dyn.ml.org using -f TALES -- where everything goes. But remember, people, "bannerment" is not a word. OKay what can I say? I'm in the writing mood today. This one is really short, and a warning I was crying the entire time I wrote this so not only is it sad, it might be a bit cryptic, but keep in mind the context of thr piece and the mood of the character in it. As usuall this is purely a work of fiction based on the television shows seaQuest DSV/2032 by Universal Television and Amblin Entertainment, created by Rockne O'Bannon. Song lyrics taken from Savage Garden's "Carry on Dancing" produced by Rough Cut Productions. Any resemblance to any persons is purely conicidental. Carry on Dancing Installment 4 of the Savage Garden Series By, Megan Kilkenny "The moonlight... Shines down interstellar beams And the groove tonight Is something more then you've ever seen" June 10th 2019, Dear Ben, I've never felt so small in the world. Today I felt as if I died nobody would care. Last night I lost the baby. It was a little boy. I named him Benjamin after you. I thought it was fitting. He was born so early, only 5 months. His little heart... it just couldn't take all that this world was thrusting upon him. Or maybe it was my heart that couldn't take it. I can't help but think that maybe I lost him because of my actions. Maybe if I'd taken better care of myself, maybe if I hadn't lost you. No not maybe. If I hadn't lost you I know I wouldn't have lost the baby. Sure I ate right, I exercised. I took the vitamins. Hell I even went out and bought all the little baby things I'd need. Guess that was kind of a waste of money. But maybe I just couldn't handle it mentally. Maybe I just passed on my pain and my sadness to him. A child should never have to face so much as he did. Maybe it's for the best. Not that I didn't want him so badly, but I can't help but think that maybe he's better off in heaven then he would be with me. I've never ever seen anyone so beautiful then little Benjamin, he was an angel. Sure he was so tiny, so frail, so small, but somehow I just felt something with him that I haven't felt in a long time. They let me hold him as he slipped away. I looked out the window and I swear that as he died I saw his spirit fly up towards the stars. Somebody once told me, I think it was Lucas, that when you die all the matter that was your body becomes part of the earth, and that someday the earth will shatter into a million pieces and fly out into the vast unknown of space and become parts of new stars, new planets, new life. It almost feels comforting to know that someday a little part of me could be come a star or a planet or a moon or something like that. And now I have 2 angels watching me from heaven. "You're never safe until you see the dawn And if the clock strikes past midnight The hope is gone" I remember that evening on the beach as we watched the sunset go down over the ocean, full of smoke and despair. Our whole year going down in smoke as our sub, as our lives, as our pasts burned. I'd been so scared that day. Scared that we were going to be apart again, scared for my life, scared for your life, I was so scared I thought I'd just collapse there on that beach and never get back up again. We were together again though in just a few short seconds. And in a few hours we were truly together, and then we were together again after that. Early in the mourning you took me out on the balcony. It was so cold, full of the mourning's wind. You kept me warm though. You wrapped me up so tightly I knew that we were okay. I knew how much you loved me. Sometimes I have a feeling that we just were never meant to be you and I Ben. I have a feeling that once we let ourselves be torn apart we lost all hope at ever being able to live. I tried so hard Ben. I wanted you so badly. I just didn't want to ever be alone again. I know you don't believe me, I don't know if you even think love me anymore. But I didn't do it. I would never have slept with him willingly. Never in a million years. But he pushed. He pleaded. He told me if I did I could go home for the holidays, and oh how I just wanted to be back in your arms. I was weak and I know, but is that any reason to hurt me? I hurt you I know that. But can't you look past that and see my love staring back at you? "Move. Closer. Passion. Stronger" When I got you back it was like a dream, a short dream that you wake up from and you feel so sad because it's over. When we were together nothing could ever hurt us, nothing except ourselves. When you told me you loved me it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't need to think very much about what I would do because I just knew that if you loved me, and I loved you, that we could work things out. And we did. I was gone so much but it didn't matter. We didn't have to talk about pain or the future, we just had to be. It was like we were those young bright eyed lovers with their hopes pathed in gold along the highway to an endless future together. The small flame inside my heart was ignited again into a burning fiery blaze. It was as if I was no longer Katherine Hitchcock, I was the other half of Ben. It was so perfect so brilliant. I wonder how we ever let it go? Ben, If that baby had been yours would you have been there? Would you have married me? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let you think he was yours? Should I? Would you be here now beside me? Would your arms be tight around me like they were that night on the balcony? Would they? "There's a magic only two can tell In the dark night Ultra violet is a wicked spell" Do you lay awake at night and imagine me beside you? I do. I would lay there and run my hand across my stomach trying to feel little Benjamin kicking me. I'd lay there and pretend he was your child. You know maybe he was yours. Maybe somehow God did give me your child. I prayed for that every night. I prayed he'd be yours so I could tell you that it was a mistake and show you your son and say "how can you give him up?" I know I'm nothing. I'm just a shadow who was cast upon this earth by mistakes my mother made. I know that. I didn't want Benjamin to feel that way. I loved him so much. All I ever wanted was you and my family always at my side, always with me. Now I'm beginning to I feel so empty again. I don't have him, I don't have you. I'm alone with no one to hold me. It hurts so bad. I almost want to end it. How come some people get these perfect wonderful lives without even trying and I work so hard and I keep ending up alone. What did I do God? Why do I deserve this? I was always a good girl. When mom wasn't around I was mother to June. I was the good friend, the perfect sister, the bright young student, the best I could ever be. I wanted to be happy but you couldn't give that too me could you? "Stars and Planets taking shape A stolen kiss has come to late." I asked Benjamin as he left me if he would watch over you. I pray that you're all right. That you're happy. If I can't have happiness you should have it. Ever hear the saying "matter and energy can be neither created or destroyed." We are matter, our love is the purest form of energy. We didn't create it, it always was. It was put together into us. No one can destroy us. You live in my heart, and I bet you live in Benjamin's too. You can never ever be taken from me. You are mine forever if only mine in my heart. Maybe you released you love from your heart, but you can't destroy it. It's always there somewhere at the corners of your soul. Maybe one day you'll find it. Maybe one day we'll be together again. But how? We've wasted so many chances Ben. So many dreams released. I cannot ever push you're love out of my heart, it's all I have now. Don't you see how much I need you? Why can't I make you understand? Why that just when my life seems to be good it has to crumble? "In the moonlight Carry on, keep romancing, Carry on, carry on dancing" I don't want this empty life any more but I can't seem to end it, even though I've tried tonight. I think the stars in the heavens are trying to tell me something. All the lost lovers in the sky now stars and moons and planets are trying to tell me not to give up on you. They're telling me that since nothing can destroy you're love there's still hope. If I can love enough for the both of us maybe the dream won't die. They whisper to me that I can not end this, for maybe some day my chance will return to me when I'm wiser, when I deserve it. It's such a beautiful night. I think Benjamin told the sky to try and cheer me up. I'm looking out over the beautiful cost line. The moon is huge. I don't even think all the love in the world could ever burn so bright. It's trying to give me some hope. Saying Katie you're strong you can do this. You've done it before. Just don't dwell on the pain. Tuck it away in your heart and keep it locked up there. Dear Ben. Tonight I learned a lot about my self. Thank you for helping me along the way. I love you, I always will. "Moving on... Moving all night." The End Stay Tuned for Violet the next installment in this series. If you are missing To the Moon and Back, I want you, or Universe and would like a copy please email me at corgi@mail.idt.net And please folks send me some comments! __________________________________ You don't need to give me anything this year Santa....but do you think that somewhere in that sac you could find my friend Brain the world? He tries so hard, and he's been very good this year.--- Pinky, from P&TB _________________________________ Moooooooooooo! __________________________________ :@) :@( theatre pigs! __________________________________ ICQ #4822243 -------------------------------- your ad could be here. Go to http://www.stargame.dyn.ml.org/advertise.html or e-mail sales@stargame.dyn.ml.org for details.