========================================================================== INDECISION I. Kathy Wolenczak a.k.a. Kathleen Brown ========================================================================== Timeline: SeaQuest 2032 Author's E-Mail: kwolenczak@hotmail.com ========================================================================== Indecision 1 Galley. Lucas is sitting alone and quiet in the middle of the busy dinner hour. He's lost in thought, gazing into the crowd, his eyes trained upon a single table. At it sits Lieutenant James Brody and Lieutenant J.J. Fredericks. Lucas is completely within his own dimension, not thinking of the people near him: the loud, animated conversation between Tony and Miguel; the quiet giggling between two female crewmembers looking at him; or the rapidly-growing-cold plate of noodles, chicken, and broccoli before him; he's absolutely gone. He jumps and turns his head sharply, startled by someone's hand upon his shoulder. There stands Tim O'Neill, smiling kindly. O'NEILL Mind if I sit down? Lucas shakes his head, returning his less-absorbed gaze back to the table for a final look. Tim grins at Lucas, seeing the lovesick expression in his eyes. Lucas snaps out of it, bewildered. LUCAS Huh? (Tim laughs softly, shaking his head. Lucas shakes his head, too, trying to completely "wake up") What'd you say? O'NEILL She's pretty. LUCAS _She_? O'NEILL (prodding Lucas along) J.J.... Lucas looks over and sees. He nods, shrugging. LUCAS Yeah. ...I guess. Tim's a little thrown off. Who else could Lucas have been staring at like that? Behind Jim, he sees Lonnie and Ford sharing a meal. Tim nods knowingly. O'NEILL Oh. Their relationship's been really rough on you, hasn't it? Lucas nods softly, surprised Tim's taking this so easily. O'NEILL Hang in there, buddy. It won't last. LUCAS God, I hope you're right. Tim sighs and looks at the depressed young man. He's been so withdrawn the passed few days. Tim and Tony have been privately trying to get closer to the ensign, they've both decided it's not healthy for a young man in the prime of his life to spend all his spare time holed up in his quarters alone with his books and headphones and tears. Whenever anyone's even _attempted_ to enter Lucas' room they've been shut out, leading to wild rumors about what Lucas has got hiding in there. Tim knows they're all rumors and nothing more, he knows Lucas is probably simply trying to retain his privacy, something people have been trying to invade more and more often. If only Tim could let Lucas understand they're simply worried about him. Lucas sighs softly and pushes at his hair. Everybody here hates him. No one cares, not since he went anorexic last week and dropped a couple pounds has anybody really said anything. Tim and Tony won't stop trying to butt in, Hudson's being tougher than ever, and everything's upside-down. Lucas doesn't know _what_ to believe anymore. He looks over at Tim. The lieutenant's quietly watching him, same as Lucas is, trying to figure out what's wrong. Lucas turns away as tears well up in his eyes. LUCAS I have to..... Tim reaches out and takes Lucas' wrist. Lucas turns back. O'NEILL I know something's really wrong with you, Lucas, beyond this with Lonnie, and I know you want to talk about it. I'm here. LUCAS (waitasec... what?) What's Lonnie got to do with this? O'NEILL (hang on. ...huh?) Her and the Commander. Their relationship. Lucas looks over. LUCAS It's not them. He leaves, dejected. _seaQuest_ Library. Lucas is there, standing between rows of books, quietly reading a book entitled "The Psychology of Adolescence". As of now, he's terribly confused. He's borrowing books left and right, they're building up in his quarters in huge stacks and piles, all his free time is spent reading textbooks and novels. Lucas shifts his weight from one leg to another and leans lightly against the large bookshelf. He sighs softly and turns a page. HUDSON Ensign? Lucas jumps and turns, startled, out of breath, and completely terrified. He slams his book shut and holds it against his chest. LUCAS (after much effort) Captain! Hudson smiles and lays a hand on Lucas' shoulder. HUDSON Relax, I'm just here for something to occupy my mind, same as you. Lucas lets out a shaky breath. He's still incredibly tense. Hudson smiles and takes Lucas' book away. Lucas has to use every asset he possesses to keep from ripping it out of Hudson's hands. Hudson reads the title of Lucas' book and flips through it, just looking innocently. HUDSON Psychology of Lucas? Lucas looks up, scared and unsure of how this was meant. Hudson smiles. A joke. Lucas forces a sickly smile. He shrugs. LUCAS Kindof. Hudson gently gives the book back to Lucas and gives him an encouraging smile. HUDSON It gets better, son. Just hang in there. Lucas nods, trying his hardest not to throw his arms around Hudson and sob his fears and troubles to him. Hudson smiles and takes just any ol' book off the shelf before leaving. Lucas sighs and sinks to the floor with his head on his knees. He starts to cry, slowly at first, then with a strength that brings to sound of his sobbing to the entire empty room, out to the hallway where people walk by without noticing. Lucas' Quarters. He's lying in his bed in only a pair of cotton boxers, staring up at the ceiling of his darkened room. His left hand is lying on his thin, bare chest, while his right hand lays beneath his head, deeply imbedded within the softness of his hair. He lays there alone, nearly naked in the darkness, quietly contemplating his most private, favorite topic within the recesses of his heart. Love. Questioning every aspect of it, and soon, very soon, tears are streaming down his cheeks to be soaked up in his pillow. *Will I ever find love? Will I be able to marry the one I love? Will my friends hate me? Will I ever be able to make love to a woman? Is there such a thing as true love? Will I _ever_ be happy? Why is it that I spend every moment of my life trying to help people and please everyone only to never get anything in return but a slap in the face and an angry look? Why was I given all this love in my heart, if no one will ever let me give it away? Why is it I love so many people around me, but they never love me back? Why doesn't anybody care?* Lucas quietly turns onto his side, clutching his blankets close to his chest, crying himself to restless sleep for the fourth night in a row. Bridge. Lucas enters. He appears to have gone without a decent night's sleep for a _week_. There are dark circles beneath his eyes, he looks..._defeated_ somehow. He quietly walks up to his station but once he reaches the stairs, everything starts spinning, he can't keep himself up, and he falls to the steps on his hands and knees. Hudson walks over to him and is suddenly reassured by the fact he can't lift Lucas back up to his feet. He's not anorexic, simply, by the looks of it, horribly sleep-deprived. Lucas puts his hand on Hudson's arm and shakes his head. LUCAS Don't. I'm okay. HUDSON When was the last time you slept through the night, Lucas? LUCAS (softly) Thursday? HUDSON _Lucas_. It _is_ Thursday. LUCAS Oh... He briefly loses consciousness again, but he doesn't fall, he's carefully cradled in Hudson's arms. FORD You want me to call a Med-Unit, Sir? HUDSON No, I don't think so. Lucas picks his head up and blinks a few times. HUDSON Ensign, you just blacked out, I think you should go down and see Doctor Smith. LUCAS Let me work. _Please_, Captain. HUDSON No, Lucas. Go down and see if Wendy can help you. LUCAS (whining softly, fading in and out) I don't _wanna_ go to sleep. Hudson recoils slightly. What could possibly have Lucas so terror-stricken he's afraid of going to _sleep_? Hudson gently urges Lucas to his feet and holds his arm tightly around Lucas' back to steady him. Lucas rests his head on Hudson's shoulder and he feels as the hot tears hit his skin. Hudson leads Lucas out of the room and, without the spoken order, Ford takes up his position in the command chair. Mag-Lev. Hudson is sitting beside Lucas, who is now sitting by himself, resting against the wall, deep within his complex mind, obviously sifting through something terribly painful, painful enough to break him down into tears. Hudson looks over at the young man with paternal love, wishing he was trusted enough to be privileged with Lucas' valuable information. Med-Bay. Lucas is led in by Hudson. Wendy looks up and swiftly makes her way over. WENDY What happened? HUDSON He's exhausted, he hasn't slept in a week. He passed out on the bridge. WENDY How long was he gone? HUDSON Only a few seconds. Wendy guides Lucas to a chair and gently eases him into it. WENDY Why haven't you been sleeping, Lucas? He won't speak. His head is hanging foreword, he's too tired now. Wendy looks at Hudson. WENDY He just needs to sleep now, there's nothing more you can do until morning. Hudson nods softly. He leaves. Wendy kneels before Lucas, who has fresh wet tears on his youthful cheeks. She strokes his long hair back from his forehead, leaning foreword to kiss his cool, sweaty skin. Morning. Med-Bay. Lucas is asleep in bed, warm under his blankets and huddled within the pillows. Hudson walks in, smiling. HUDSON How's he doin'? WENDY He's asleep. It's a start. I did an EEG on him late last night and it was way out of his normal range. He was in a panic. He did _not_ want to go to sleep. HUDSON He say why? WENDY I think his exact words were "It's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it's not true...". HUDSON What the heck's that supposed to mean? WENDY It's obviously very important to Lucas. He wouldn't be this upset if it _wasn't_ true, whatever "it" is. He's in great denial over something. HUDSON The question is _what_. Wendy shakes her head sadly. Two Days Later. Lucas walks onto the Bridge in uniform. HUDSON What're you doing here? LUCAS (his voice edged in patronizing sarcasm) Working. HUDSON I gave you leave. LUCAS I denied it. HUDSON You can't deny _medical_ leave. LUCAS Well, I did. HUDSON Get off this ship, ensign. LUCAS But Sir.... HUDSON Now. Lucas gets a pained expression and considers disobeying orders, but instead complies. Boardwalk. Lucas is there, wandering aimlessly, not knowing what he's supposed to be doing here. He sees couples walking hand-in-hand along the beach together. Here he is alone, not knowing who is he, who he likes, or even where he's going anymore. All he wants is to go home, and he's not even welcome there. He just wants to curl up and cry or purge this terrible feeling from him. As he walks down the boardwalk, alone, he wipes the tears from his eyes. _seaQuest_. Med-Bay. Lucas walks shyly in, looking for Wendy. He only sees a single nurse and quietly walks towards her. Hearing his approach, she turns. NURSE Everything okay, Lucas? LUCAS Where's Doctor Smith? NURSE Her quarters, you want me to get her for you? LUCAS No. I'm okay. Thanks. He leaves silently. Wendy's Quarters. She's sitting, reading. There's a shy, gentle knock on her door. She looks up, there's a quick psychic probe, and she sits up, pulling off her blanket. WENDY Come in. Lucas walks in, looking awful. He briefly looks up at her, but turns his eyes back to the floor. LUCAS Is this a bad time? WENDY No, never. What's wrong, honey, you look like you've been _robbed_. Do you feel okay? He sighs as Wendy guides him to a chair and takes his hand. He's sagging under the weight of this thing he's been carrying on his shoulders for days, but suspecting for weeks. He sighs from the bottom of his heart. LUCAS I'm scared. She's very, very tender with him. Very quiet, very loving. Her voice is soft. WENDY What're you scared of, Lucas? There's a long silence. LUCAS I'm scared that I'm gay. THUD. WENDY Why do you think that, Lucas? LUCAS (long pause.) Because. I haven't been close to a woman in _so_ long.... I find myself staring off for long periods of time and when I come to I'm staring at Brody. Or Tim. I'm _so_ scared.... WENDY I can imagine how scared you must be. With his soft nod, she sees how deeply this is affecting him. WENDY Have you noticed any change in how you dream? LUCAS Daydream? WENDY No, at night. Lucas thinks. LUCAS Are you a follower of Freud, Wendy? WENDY I agree with some of his determinations. Why? LUCAS (getting close to, and eventually spilling over with, tears) 'Cause if you say I'm not getting enough sex I'm gonna kill myself because I don't know who I should be having sex _with_, J.J. or Tim! Wendy sighs. Lucas suddenly hunches over and begins sobbing uncontrollably, holding his face in his cupped hands, hysterical. Wendy takes him into her arms and tries to comfort him as best she can. He only cries harder, not knowing how to accept her kindness, with sexual appreciation or revulsion. Later. Lucas is sitting in Wendy's quarters, still sniveling. Wendy enters with a glass of water and two small Tylenol, which Lucas takes without a word. He sips at his water and leans back, sitting on Wendy's bed. He won't look up at her, he's too ashamed. WENDY Tell me about your dreams. He looks up. LUCAS I don't dream about sex. WENDY I don't expect you to. LUCAS It's recurring. WENDY That's good. LUCAS (sips, thinks.) I'm on _seaQuest_. In a hallway. I'm all alone, there's nobody with me. I think I'm having a heart attack because I've got this real heavy, painful pressure on my chest. I run to somebody's quarters, but the door's locked. They all are. _Nobody_ will let me in. Sometimes it'll be a couple people in a room, sometimes it'll be a big group. I'm screaming and crying and begging for help and nobody's there for me. They just don't notice me. Lucas shrugs, Wendy smiles and sighs softly. WENDY Don't you see, Lucas? It all makes perfect sense. LUCAS I'm not the one with a Ph.D. in this kind of thing. WENDY Okay, but it's just so obvious. The pressure on your chest, you've got something to say. You need to "get it off your chest". It's so very important to you, you're dying to tell it, so you go to the doors for someone to tell it to. The fact that the doors are closed and the crew is ignoring you is just the fact that you're so alone. Even _with_ your disease and everything, you're _still_ not getting the attention you think you deserve. LUCAS I just want somebody to talk to. WENDY You're lonely. He nods. WENDY I know why you think you're gay, Lucas. LUCAS Why? WENDY You're starved for affection and love and human company just like everybody else. You're so _desperate_ for just an inkling of attention you'll accept it from whoever offers, male or female. I don't think you want a sexual relationship, I think you just want a friend. LUCAS I'll accept whatever I can get, but, in the end, I want someone to love me. WENDY And you could spend the rest of your life happy with another man? LUCAS I don't know.... WENDY Would you ever have sex with another man? Lucas recoils, aghast. His expression is a clear and unmistakable NO. WENDY Would you ever have sex with a woman? LUCAS Only if a loved her, sure. WENDY You're as straight as they come. LUCAS (he smiles) Double meaning.... Wendy smiles back. WENDY I'm going to ignore that. (He smiles and relaxes somewhat) You're perfectly normal, Lucas. You're just very, very lonely. Renew a friendship with somebody you can get close to. And take advantage of the leave opportunities handed to you. You need to see more pretty girls. I'm not telling you to go out and have wild sex, but try to get a relationship going with someone. You need to be loved. Held. You need to vent all that joyfulness and love you've got inside of you. You're an extremely loving person, all ready something in your head is trying to tell you to go out and give some of that love away. It's not right for a boy your age to have gone out with only four people. (beat. realizing she's been repeating herself) I think you're just looking for someone who will accept you. And since you've only been accepted by guys simply as friends, you think maybe you'll be accepted by them as a boyfriend. (Lucas nods softly, but he doesn't really believe her.) Honey, you need to listen to me. You're fine, there's nothing wrong with being confused. But you're _not_ gay. LUCAS (accusing) Did you probe me? WENDY Yes, I did, and it's simply loneliness. LUCAS How could you know something different from what I know? WENDY Lucas, if hypnosis works, then this works, too. _Trust_ me, beautiful. _Trust_ me. Lucas sighs and nods. WENDY Just fight your crush. He looks up at her. That just negated everything she said. "If you're gay, then don't let anybody know. Be ashamed of it, and even if it means you're miserable, don't be yourself. The real, honest-to-God Lucas Wolenczak is _wrong_. Nobody could love him, why even try to think you could _ever_ be loved?" He's crushed. LUCAS You can't fight a crush. WENDY Sure you can. LUCAS No, you can't. He sighs and leaves, no better off than when he started. Night. Wendy's lying in bed. In Lucas' quarters, he's asleep. Wendy sighs deeply and probes Lucas, trying to make the lie she told him before a truth. She's instantly inside his mind. During the day he can put incredible walls up, but at night or when he's very upset, the walls fall, and he becomes venerable to even the mildest psychic. She sees his dream, a dream of Darwin and him contentedly swimming in the ocean. He's happy and smiling joyously, laughing and playing and frolicking with the dolphin. Wendy smiles at this beautiful picture, he seems so happy. Maybe simply expressing his fear helped him move passed it. Maybe he's relieved and back to normal. But it's not likely. As they dive underwater and swim, Lucas finds Darwin _not_ Darwin. Darwin has become a boy, Lucas' age. Dark brown hair, slender, too. Lucas rises to the surface of the sea, terribly confused. The boy is nearby him, looking at him with wide, betrayed eyes. Lucas shakes his head. LUCAS It's not supposed to be this way, I'm not supposed to like you. It's Paul. Paul, from Christine's. Anorexic, smart-mouthed, bespectacled, just-like-Lucas, Paul. LUCAS Go away. PAUL Why are you lying to yourself, Lucas? You're just gonna get sick again. LUCAS Then I'll be able to go home, I'll be able to figure this stuff out. PAUL Why haven't you called me? LUCAS I don't want to scare you. PAUL Why? I already know. You think that night didn't mean anything to me? It did, Lucas, and I'm not afraid to openly admit it. WENDY (V.O.) What night? Christine's. Lucas and Paul are outside on the front porch, playing a game of cards. It's night, they're playing by the light of a simple lamp. Lucas wins the game. LUCAS Ha! Paul playfully, in mock irritation, throws his cards down and sighs. Lucas leans back and smiles at Paul. Paul looks closely at Lucas. PAUL Why do you always stare at me? LUCAS Well...you're my friend. I can honestly say I love you, AS a friend. I'm just so amazed, it's been so long since somebody's cared whether I lived or died. PAUL Who was your first kiss? LUCAS Kristin.....Stanovich. PAUL (smiles, reminiscing) Matt Wormon. Lucas nearly chokes. LUCAS You're...?! Paul nods serenely. PAUL I thought you knew. (he shrugs) Everybody tells me it's just a phase because I'm lonely, but it's not. (beat. admiring Lucas) _You_'re gorgeous. Lucas blushes. PAUL You don't mind that I think that way? LUCAS You're not hurting anybody. PAUL (grinning) Are you _sure_ you're not gay? Lucas nods. Paul looks closely at Lucas. PAUL Can I kiss you, Lucas? Lucas looks quietly at Paul. His expression is unreadable. He looks into Paul's eyes and nods. Paul leans across the table and kisses Lucas on the lips. Lucas lets the kiss grow very passionate. Instinctively, Lucas reaches up to bury his hand in Paul's silky hair, kissing back. The moment finally ends and Lucas looks into Paul's eyes. Paul holds him in a warm embrace and Lucas begins crying in Paul's arms. Back in the sea, Lucas and Paul are together. PAUL It was important to me, Lucas, same as it was for you. You've got to stop lying to yourself, you'll be so much happier. LUCAS Then what? PAUL Find someone. Lucas wakes in his room, not at all startled, simply going seamlessly from REM to waking. Wendy wakes and jumps out of her bed, grabbing a robe before she leaves. Lucas' Quarters. Lucas is sitting on the edge of his bed, fine, but deep in thought. Wendy runs in and looks at him. He looks up at her. She told him to hide his feelings. You _don't_ tell Lucas Wolenczak to hide his feelings. Wendy crouches by his side. WENDY I'm so sorry, Lucas. I didn't know you felt so strongly. You do what you wanna do, if you feel you can't happily live with a woman, be with a man, do what your heart tells you to, the most important thing in this life is _your_ happiness. Follow your heart, honey. Lucas crumbles and cries in her arms. LUCAS Am I gonna have to leave seaQuest? WENDY Oh, no, honey, they changed that rule before you were even born. You be proud of who you are, tell someone whenever you feel ready, and no one has to know unless you want to tell them. He nods and sighs deeply. Galley. Lucas is there, painfully alone, painfully out-of-place. He's quietly writing, scripting out a heartfelt e-mail to Paul. Wendy comes in and sees him so lonely, so she leans over Tim to whisper in his ear. WENDY Lucas has been pretty lonely lately, maybe you can cheer him up. Tim looks over at Lucas and nods to Wendy. He walks over to the younger man as Wendy leaves, feeling her good deed is done. Tim rests his hand on Lucas' shoulder. Lucas looks up, sad and oddly _scared_. O'NEILL Are you okay, Lucas? (He nods softly.) Can I sit down? Lucas nods and shrugs. LUCAS I don't care. Tim sits across from Lucas. Lucas stares down at his plate of food. He tries to look up at Tim, but can't help thinking of Paul and how they kissed. Lucas shakes his head. LUCAS Leave me alone, Tim. Go away. O'NEILL What's going on, Lucas? LUCAS You'd never understand. Just leave me alone. Tim sighs and leaves Lucas alone. Lucas leans foreward and lays his head in his folded arms, not crying, but simply exhausted. To Be Continued. ========================================================================== Copyright Kathleen Brown June 1997