========================================================================== FLY ON THE WALL Sue Thomas ========================================================================== Timeline: Misc, spoofs, ... Author's E-Mail: ========================================================================== AUTHOR'S NOTES: Warning! The following was written in an Actifed induced narcosis during my horrible bout with a sinus problem. I woke up at 3:15 am and could not go back to sleep! I had a definite buzz and my heart was racing so please don't take too many sinus pills in a 24 hour period or this could happen to you too! Sue Thomas ========================================================================== Fly on the Wall Episode 1 Hello! Let me introduce myself. My name is Snoop. I am a fly. Not just any fly either. I was created at the same GELF lab that the big splotchy guy came from. I was created in a different part of the lab for the purpose of information gathering. You know, you have seen plenty of flys on walls in your time haven't you? Ever wonder what they hear? That is why I was created. To spy and report back information to the Military. I am a *Moscus Eavsdroppus Stealtihus*. My life span is much, much longer than that of the average fly and I have an IQ of 142, so I will try to explain things in simple terms you can understand. Anyway, back to my story. My project was abandoned for some reason and I hung around the lab for a few years until those two big splotchy guys, I think they are called Daggers, came back and wrecked the place. Only one of them left though, so I followed him to live on the big boat. A lot has been happening around here lately and things just aren't the same. The first weird thing that happened was, we were picked up by another big ship that didn't go in the water. I don't know where we were taken but, whoa! What a head rush! Then there was fighting and explosions and we fell asleep and all woke up in different places. God knows why I woke up in the barn at Busch Gardens sitting on a... Well, maybe you don't want to know. The old captain is gone. You know, the guy who couldn't make up his mind about shaving. I really miss him. He had this thing about chocolate. Chocolate, chocolate everywhere. I love chocolate! I used to be real good about dive bombing into the best goodies. Now I can only dive bomb the new captains hair, or what he has left of it. It's great! He can't hear me (that's where the stealth part comes in) because I was engineered to make no sound. My plan is to drive him crazy by Christmas. Would you like to follow me around the boat for a while? Maybe you can make some sense of things. I'll warn you though. I think they are all going crazy. Things just aren't the same. Let's go to the bridge first. "O'Neil, can you tell me where Captain Ohio is?" "He's on C deck, sir. But it's back to Hudson this week, Commander Ford." "Back to Hudson again this week? I wish he would make up his mind. The week before last it was Merrimack. Who knows what it will be next week? O'Neil, see if you can steer him clear of the Youghiogheny. What a nightmare!" "I saw him looking through the atlas again, sir. I think he is leaning toward the Ni and Po for sometime next month." Tim let out a giggle and looked at Ford. " Are you thinking what I am thinking?" "Yeah, Captain Po to the bridge!" Jonathan put his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh. "I think he is trying to go through every river in the Eastern half of the US. Anyway, I'm going to look for him. Let's see, who should I leave in charge?" Hands went up all around the bridge. "O'Neill, I'll leave you in charge. It's been in the script a few times so it's OK. After all there are no more Hispanics or Asians with speaking parts on the bridge.' "I've noticed that sir. The new UEO mandate is phasing out Scotts next." "Oh, really? Someone better tell Montgomery to stay in the engine room." "Who? Excuse me, sir?" "Montgomery Scott. The engineer. Uh oh, wrong ship. Forget it." It's me again, Snoop. See what I mean? Very unusual behavior. Let's follow. Ford rounded the corner to see Loni talking to the big splotchy guy in front of her quarters. She turned and went in and shut the door. "Dagwood! Just what do you think you are doing talking to Loni? What, what, what? I want an answer now, sailor!" "I said *Hello*." "What? That's it?" "Yes, Commander Ford. I was walking down the hallway and I saw her going into her quarters so I said *Hello*." "Oh, OK. Nevermind." He continued down the hall. "Jerk." Ford stopped. "What did you say Dagwood?" "Work, work, work. That's all I do is work." "Carry on." Let's lose this Boso and get to C deck before he does. "What are you doing in there, sailor?" "Swimming the tubes with Darwin, sir." "What's wrong with your voice, Piccolo? Have you been sucking the helium out of those balloons again? Every time I turn around I find balloons and confetti everywhere. Do you people have a thing about Birthday Parties? What's the problem? You would have thought those darn aliens would have cleaned up a little before they returned the boat. Well man, speak up!" "No sir, no helium. Darwin goosed me as I was getting out of the pool and I had one leg in and one leg out and I lost my balance and came down on...." Hudson winced. "No need to go any further. What are you doing swimming the tubes without gear?" "Gills, sir." "What?" "Gills." Tony lifted his tank shirt to show the captain. "Interesting! Where did you get those? I didn't know you had them." "It's a long story sir. It used to be in the script." "Oh. Why don't you get out of there, carefully, shoo fishy, shoo, and go bother Lucas for a while." "Captain Ohio, er Hudson! I have been looking for you everywhere." "Yes, Ford, what is it?" "I was wondering. What would you like to argue about today, sir?" "Oh, I don't know. What do you want to argue about? Got any ideas?" "Not really. We aren't very busy right now. We haven't had to save the world for a few weeks and things are kind of slow. We argued about toilets yesterday. What would be good for today?" "I don't know. You make the decision! You need a little more backbone Dr. Greene!" Hudson held his head in both hands and then rubbed his eyes and looked around. "Oops! Sorry! Forgot where I was for a minute. I have an idea. Why don't you go look up some obscure regulation in the UEO manual and we can go from there." "Sounds good to me, sir. I'll get back to you." I think it's time to lose this Ford guy. Let's see who else we can spy on? Follow me. Look there is Piccolo going into his quarters. Boy, is he walking slow. Kind of bent over too. "Lucas, help me to my bunk." "Ensign Lucas. It's Ensign Lucas, help me to my bunk." "Hey, Ensign Smartalek, I don't need your help anymore I made it." Tony groaned as he stretched out on the bed. "What's wrong with you anyway?" "I was getting out of the pool after swimming with Darwin and he goosed me and I fell and landed wrong and...." "Don't worry, Tony you won't be needing those anymore anyway." "What?" "Your gills, they are not in next weeks script either." "Lucas, that's not what I landed on!" "Oh, sorry. Darn! The light bulb on my desk lamp blew. Is that Dagwood outside in the hall? Hey, Dagwood! Come in here!" "Yes, Lucas." Dagwood poked his head in the doorway. "It's Ensign Lucas and Dag, can you change this light bulb for me?" "Excuse me, Ensign Lucas. You can change your own light bulb. See this uniform? No more light bulbs and no more mops! GOT THAT, ENSIGN LUCAS?" "Gee, aren't we touchy?" Dagwood turned to go. "Ensign Butthead," he muttered under his breath. "What did you say to me?" Dagwood poked his head back in the doorway. "I said your hair looks nice." "Yeah, cool isn't it? Thanks Dagwood!" Dagwood rolled his eyes and walked out the door. Man! This is really weird. I told you so! Boy, I am really tired now. Think I'll go take a nap before we visit anyone else. I hope you are keeping notes on what is going on because these people need help! This is Snoop, signing off. To be continued........ when I feel like it. ==========================================================================