Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:34:41 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1482] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 10 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 10 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:45:24 -0500 Okay people, here it is. If there are no onjections, changes or additions (will sell my soul for a few more classifieds) I will send it out this afternoon. Sue the addition to the Cheese article will go out in the next regular issue under your by line. People, the next issue is a special break out/liberation issue. All backlogged repression of the UEO people will be cleared out. Love you all - let me know if you are disappearing for the summer - NIBS, you still have to send me things. :) *** Why ask "why" when you can ask "who," "what," "when," "where," "how," and "Oh, my gawd! It's the . . . . *** ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 10 Deanna Toxopeus May 14, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITORIAL - Deanna Yet another basement, somewhere in the UEO - Well, the UEO has sunk to its low level this time. First they tried to poison me, now they have tried bacterial warfare. Well I will have non of it. I am stronger then that, and now I have some of the best physicians in the world looking after me. Come one UEO! Do your best! Take me on! Try to snuff out the beacon of truth!! I dare you!!! Ooops, time for my medication. FREE NIBOR!!!!! **** LIVE DINOSAUR FOUND - gromit Artic Ocean, seaQuest- Yesterday evening, the UEO's flagship, seaQuest, discovered what appeared to be a dinosaur frozen alive in a block of ice in the Artic Ocean. Coincidentally, seaQuest was the same submarine 10 years ago that discovered Cathy the Crocodile, the giant, 200 foot, prehistoric, sterile crocodile. However, yesterday's find was quite different. seaQuest's only scientist, *ENSIGN* Lucas Wolenczak, decided to defrost the dinosaur without hesitation. After hours under heat lamps, a 3 foot, pink, baby dinosaur awoke. Surprisingly, the dinosaur spoke perfect English. "It was like weird because the dinosaur didn't even need a vocorder like Darwin! At first we thought it was the second incarnation of Barney at which point we would've thrown him into the incinerator, but the dinosaur claimed his name to be 'Baby Sinclair,'" exclaimed Wolenczak. However, elation quickly turned violent. Lt. Loni Henderson had to be held in the Brig when she attempted unsuccessfully to corrupt the baby's "innocence." Then there was the frying pan incident in which "Baby Sinclair" gleefully giggled, "NOT THE MOMMA! NOT THE MOMMA!" as he repeated bashed a frying pan on Captain Hudson's head. After the headaches subsided, Hudson ordered that "Baby Sinclair" be refrozen for global safety. The dinosaur was later frozen, but not before the pre-pubescent, male dinosaur had secretly laid dozens of eggs all over seaQuest. A frighten Captain Oliver "NOT THE MOMMA" Hudson is currently being held in a secret UEO safe house. In semi-related news, a giant, 200 foot, prehistoric crocodile has just eaten New New York. Scientist still don't know how these giant, 200 foot, prehistoric crocodiles are coming from. **** SUB INSPECTION - Tony Piccolo otmormwr ta 6000 uhrso ticaptn nodosh.... OOPS! Just found my glasses, sorry! Tomorrow at 06:00 hours, Captain Hudson is aclling an inspection of subfighters. All poilots msut be at thier subs ready for thr inspection, no ecption. (I guess this is me and you Freddy. I don't see Brody lurking aruond here anywhere do you? Sheesh!) Also, the UEO is requriing that little hair nets be worn under our hemluts now for sanitery and cosmteic reasons. Too many people have been using there hemluts for excuses on bad hair days. The UEO stated they woul no longer pcik up the tab fur your next haircut as copmensatoin. **** NEWS FROM MARSUPIAL - Deanna Toxopeus We have received an important message from Mars: DEAR D.T., BEING HELD IN SOLITARY. TORTURED WITH VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS RERUNS. DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE. MUST FREE NIBOR. TELL MY BROKER TO INVEST IN BREATH MINTS. RECEIVED CURRENTLOAF, HIT GUARD OVER THE HEAD AND KNOCKED HIM UNCONCIOUS. UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR DAD'S CURRENTLOAF ALSO CONTAINS AN ELASTIC QUALITY AND IT RICOCHETED BACK AT ME. RECOVERY TOOK A WEEK. SEND MORE BAKED GOODS, WILL BE CAREFUL NEXT TIME. A.M. End of Decoded Text Thank you for using the Underground WoleNetwork ============================================ Hang in there Mars!!! **** SUNDAE SHIPMENT HIJACKED, INVESTIGATION ONGOING - Sarah A. Cape Town, South Africa - A shipment of sundae toppings belong to Tasti-Freeze, Inc., was hijacked late last night. The crime occurred while the three-man crew was unloading the cargo. Reported stolen were twenty gallons of strawberry jam, thirty canisters of whipped cream, ten gallons of butterscotch topping, and twenty gallons of hot fudge topping. The three men reported that a number of figures, dressed in black, threatened them with various weapons, tied them up, and then left with the cold cargo. They were unable to make any positive identifications, other than that the figures appeared to be young women. The crew in charge of the shipment have been temporarily suspended pending investigation. Geoffrey Smith, a member of the crew, will state only that none of them had anything whatsoever to do with the crime. Tasti-Freeze's president Michael Jamison is shocked by the robbery, saying that "nothing like this has ever happened before in the history of our company." At the present time, the investigation remains open. An anonymous source claims that the police have neither leads nor suspects, but are hopeful. Police Chief Wyatt McRoberts insists, "Those crooks' taste for sweets is going to leave a sour taste in their mouths." **** NEWS FROM PRISON- Tony Piccolo UEO Staffer Sue contacted me today to say she is ok so FaR. EvEn New InBOaRd MotErs caN be puT in old bOatS. ( I know it looks stupid but she told me to do it that way.) They will only give her bread and water and will not let her read any UEO Gazeets. She is not even alowed to talk to a laywer. She isn't alowed to use the phone anymore so she will have to talk to me psichaclly which is Ok cause we done that before when we went to.... school. **** WENDY SMITH AND MIGUEL ORTIZ FOUND ALIVE - Darwin Roberto sees Wendy and Miguel. While looking into Big Black Rectangular Box Prison, Roberto sees stars. Roberto sees Hyperion. Dave helps Roberto contact Wendy and Miguel. Miguel happy. Miguel runs bistro on southern polar cap of Hyperion. Miguel has many Hyperion babes to run bistro. Wendy, not so happy. Wendy is mayor of Zyloque. Also, head of local PTA, sings in church choir, oversees the local Cult of Wendy, and does community service for small children with huge eyes. Wendy want to come home. UEO won't acknowledge her existence. Wendy sad. Roberto wants out of prison. Send Advil. **** Security Leak at Buckyball Prison - MiLK Black Buckyball Prison - The mysterious and elusive hacker known only by the initials "L.W." has struck yet again, this time at a maximum security compound. "We're not quite sure yet what happened," says one anonymous guard, "but apparently one of the inmates sent a message out to 'L.W.' using a 2 paper cups and a very long piece of string. We're investigating the situation." On a video-conference call, Captain O.H. began, "This L.W. must be found and arrested IMMEDIATELY, this blatant violator of navy regulations..." Midway through the call the audio signal was jammed and the theme from an old children's show called "Barney and Friends" started playing. Everyone in the press center laughed. Hudson was enraged and turned off the monitor when "L.W." started broadcasting the new Flying Hot Dog Wiener Screensaver across his face. **** MEETING- Dagwood Tony went to see Sue. He misses her. She is a nice friend. She buys Dagwood ice cream. He put on a funny hat and clothes so the UEO would not know it is him. I wasn't supposed to say that was I? Anyway, Tony wants me to do this. He is not here. I don't know some of these words so I will copy them. This is a message from the UEO: < There will be an assembly in the Crew Wreck Room at 13:00 hours tomorrow. The UEO Department of Health and Regulations will be here for it's annual movie and lecture on Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Dr. Janice Goodbody will be here to discuss the increase of promiscuity in the UEO and it's ramifications pertaining to STD's. All nonessential personnel must attend and the rest will rotate in after shift.> So, I guess everybody should be there. I sure hope Tony comes back in time. I don't know what to do with this box of little square packages that the DOH sent. I asked Loni what they were for but she laughed and took a handfull. **** STRANGE MESSAGES ON POST-A-PRAYER -- Sarah E. via Tim O'Neill seaQuest -- Actually they're not strange, they're just a mixture of French, pig Latin, and obscure Biblical references. I can figure them out just fine, but since no one else seems to be able to, I'll give you a paraphrase. Sarah E. is in the Big Black Parallelogram Prison in New India. (She got permission to access the Post-a-Prayer page on the internet under the Religious Freedom Act of 2025.) The food is pretty good, but the prison uniform is giving her some trouble. She doesn't know how to fold a sari. Her Mentos and Advil have been confiscated, but she says her wide array of annoying children's songs are wearing the guards down. She has found that "The Lonely Goatherd" is also highly effective because of the song's unparalled "catchiness." "The only problem is, it gets stuck in my head too," she says. Her post ended abruptly, so I think maybe the guards caught on to the fact that she was sending more than prayers. It's pretty hard to disguise "The Lonely Goatherd" as a Biblical reference. **** MISC. NEWS - Dagwood The next time you spill something. You clean it. If you need a lightbulb. You change it. Mops? I don't need no steenking mops! Dagwood has a uniform. Got it? Thank you. **** Oscar Myer Stock Soars - MiLK Wall Street, New York - Hot dog futures rose to a new high as record purchases of the meat product were made. "I don't know what's going on, but someone who only goes by the initials "L.W." bought a million hot dogs and asked that they be shipped to Florida." In related news, the seaQuest DSV was sinking just off Orlando after becoming overloaded with frankfurters. Dagwood, the janitor of seaQuest, was quoted to have said "yum." **** seaQuest CREWMEMBER ATTACKED - Deanna with Cherie Gabie The follwoing letter was received by the Gazette. We thought it was newsworthy. De, You'll never guess what I saw while strolling through the seaQuest with the ho today! There I was, just minding my own business when all of a sudden, this strange music started playing. It was being sung to the tune of "Mighty Mouse," and it sounded like "Here I come to save her prey! That means that Cherie-Lynne is on the way..." Then, this woman in a white labcoat and hardhat, brandishing a t-square like an emblazoned sword swooped in and attacked Loni! All I saw was a white blur while the sounds of furious stapling and duct tape ripping could be heard throughout the boat. Then, near silence. The faint words of a song could be heard receding into the distance, "We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers! We can, we can, we can, we can demolish 40 beers...). The white robed figure was gone. The attack took only seconds. Loni hadn't even had time to try her really cheezy crying routine. And the unimaginable had happened. She was fully clothed. &8-O That strange engineer had stapled back on Loni's sleeves, her pant legs, and had duct-taped her shirt closed up to the neck. Name withheld by request. **** CORRECTION- Tony Piccolo MISS Loni Henderson says she will NOT be doing a BELLY DANCE it is a dance from Bali. Bit........ Please note, the exploding head people will be a special affect, Lucas is going to fix somehtin up. It won't be real! Geeze! You gotta be stupid to think it was gonna be real! __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 10 Section B - Lifestyles May 14, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPLAINTS- Tony Piccolo The editor has infromed me that some of youse guys are complaining about my articals. OK, I know I am not Sue. I am doing her a favor becuase she is in jail. She is my friend and she asked me to do her this favor and jsut because I am not used to this dam computer. So I don't think you are being fair. Think about her being stcuk in prison and they won't even let her have Mentos. Just because she is friends with that Nibor guy? Get real! He's a nice guy even if he deos think I'm a dork. He's the Preseidnt of San Diego for gosh sakes and he even bought a Pooh and Tigger in Epcot and they put him in prison for what raeson? I didn't see him do antyhing wrong. Thank you fro your sugestions about using a Spel Checker but this computer doesn't have one and when Ensign Lucas decieds he has time to put the new Word Procseor on this machien then I can use the dam thing so if you don't like the way I write you can just fikcung chill out! **** CAFETERIA NEWS- Dagwood There is not enough pineapples. Get more fruit. Thank you. **** CHEESE RECEIVED - Tim O'Neill seaQuest recieved over a ton of cheese in an unexplained shipment yesterday. An investigation launched by Captain Hudson, revealed the cheese to be a gift from the Argentine Secretary of Peasant Riot Suppression, Jesus Hernandez, to Lieutenant Lenore Henderson. When queried about the rather odd gift, Henderson stated, "I guess I don't know my Spanish as well as I thought I did. I meant to say, 'Dame un beso' [give me a kiss], but instead, I apparently said 'Dame un queso' [give me a cheese]. I was wondering why he kept giving me those strange looks, but I kissed him anyway." Nachos, enchiladas, burritos, encharitos, chile con queso, and tacos are on the seaQuest menu for the next two months. **** ADVICE COLUMN Dear Neptune, I was wondering if you can help. I have this problem. Should I use paper or plastic? Sincerely, Sarah Tonin Dear Sarah, Um, maybe paper. Oh, no, then you'd be killing a tree and all that global warming and the destruction of the rain forest. So, um, maybe plastic would be better. But plastic doesn't bio-degrade and so the land fill will be full! Um, um, I DON'T KNOW! Why are you asking me? You know I can't make up my mind! I hate this job. No, I think I like this job! Oh, why can't I make up my mind and stick with it? I'm just so confuse. I can't even decide on what trident to use! I mean I do like my pitch fork thing, but I also like the gum! Oh, god! Wait, I am *god*! Um, sincerely or maybe love or maybe yours truly, Neptune or maybe Posideon. I DON'T KNOW! **** LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear (Exalted) Editor, I fail to understand how I got the label "Hoe Of The High Seas Henderson". I find no humor in it. Besides, gardening tools and the ocean don't even go together. It makes no sense. Please stop immediately. Loni *** <*seaLink connect BREAK IN 0329 EST 04/04/32*> Wieniebomber (Hi guys, love your paper - L.W.) <*UNAUTHORIZED TRANSMISSION, TERMINATING LINK*> Editors UEO GAZETTE c/o Questie Underground Marsupial Division Dear Editors, I am a very powerful person within the United Earth Organizations. I demand that you print this letter in your next issue, or I will runover various innocent forms of marine life on my next tour of duty. You have been warned. I would like to start off by saying that SCIENCE IS BAD. The world does not need science! Technology is bad too. Look at me, I captain the UEO's best sub and it's 10 years old! ^H^H^H^H damn computers how do I delete. Forget that last sentence, I was just making it up. I demand that the UEO ceese^H^H^Hsease^H^H^H *(&@(#$&(@*#&$(!!!!!!! cease all further scientific research and turn over control to the Military Division, to be headed by a certain captain. I will tell you his name in another letter. Furthermore, I demand that Captain Nathan Hale Bridger be immediately arrested and held on charges which I will determine at a later time. Also, effective immediately, all submarines will serve Dolphin Sandwiches, using any means necessary to procure supplies. I call myself the <*TRANSMISSION BREAK IN*>Wieniebomber<*UNAUTHORIZED LINK, DISCONNECTING*>. I am the savior of the future of the UEO, you cannot stop me. I am a Man with a Mission from on high. I must rule the oceans! Don't you understand! The <*TRANSMISSION BREAK IN*> Wieniebomber<*DISCONNECT*> will guide humanity to a bright future without science and technology to get in our way!!!! YES!!! Signed, The <*TRANSMISSION BREAK IN*> WIENIEBOMBER <*DISCONNECT*> **** GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEMININE SIDE - Jonathan Ford Okay, this is my new column where I get to help all you guys out there get in touch with your feminine side. So last night, I rented the classic moive, "Waiting to Exhale." The movie was fantastic and I think every man should watch it! I laughed, I cried, and I had a great time getting in touch with my feminine side! Yes, I cried and I wasn't afraid to show my tears! The movie was just so emotional! When Angela Bassett threw her cheating man's clothes in the car and poured gas all over it and set both the car and the clothes on fire, I jumped out of my chair and cheered, "YOU GO GIRL!!!" And when they started the "Shoop, Shoop" song, I started dancing like crazy and I didn't care how "manly" I looked. Tomorrow, I think I'll write an article on crocheting and I'm also thinking of starting a quilting circle! **** WEATHER REPORT - Man-Eating Killer Plant Today's forecast, unfortunately, calls for a sunny day throughout the continental United States of America Minus California. The bad weather will continue for the next 5 days, so I suggest that all you man-eating killer plants out there put on sun-screen SPF 1,024,354! However, the hunting season for plump and chunky humans is already here. The beaches are full of them! **** "RED BADGE OF COURAGE" BOOK REVIEW - Hudson Read it. It's a good book. And no, it's not about a war. **** OP-ED McGATH AN INCOMPETENT ASS - Hudson Secretary McGath has made some really dumb moves. He's more worried about politics than saving people's lives. He wants to be nice to Macronesia, but I say we should go kick their butts. And he cheats when we thumb wrestle. He's an ass, that's all there is to it. Let's see if the editor will print *this*! [ed note: Far be it for me to supress free speech. Besides I agree with you] *** MUST SEE VR-TV *** YOU PEE IN BOWL 8:00 PM, YOU PEE IN Following an all new Star Trek: Voyager, stay tuned for the You Pee In Bowl. This year's You Pee In Bowl matches the Destructive Deone Demons against the Gigantic Galopagos GELFS in a battle that is sure to make overhyped television history. This year, Deone swears on his mother's grave that the victory has not been bought, so it's sure to be an even match. No really! Demons are favored to win by a dollar. *** ADDISON, THE DRIVING STUFFED ANIMAL 7:30 PM, EFF OH ECKS In this premiere episode, Addison's new owners, Nathan and Kristen discover that Addison can drive a car, but a tragic accident sends them reeling into oncoming traffic. Hilarity ensues. Special guest: Deflator Mouse. *** GENERATION-X-FILES 1993 9:00 PM, WOLF Debuting tonight. "Generation-X-Files" is a new mid-season replacement and also a spin off of the classic series, "The X-Files." The series follows two 20 year old UEO agents, Wolf Mulder and Lana Scully, the alien love children of Mulder and Scully. "Hey, it's better than working at McDonalds! Besides this isn't an episode of 'Friends,'" Wolf tells his slacker friends about his new job at the UEO. Each week, these two Generation-Xers investigate the strange, the weird, and the supernatural which isn't too hard with all the freaks running around (and we don't mean Nine Inch Nails). Tonight's episode has Mulder and Scully investigating strange happenings in the mosh pit at a Lolapolooza Concert. What happens when the lead singer of Silver Chair jumps off the stage and his fans don't bother catching him? Also, Scully decides to get a nose ring. Guest starring Sarah Tonin, singing her classic song "I Speak In Tongues And I Thought My Head Was Going To Start Spinning Around Like That Scene In The Exorcist!" *** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 10 Section C - Classifieds March 14, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***By the Gazette staff*** ****special guest Sarah A.****** FOR SALE. Seatbelts. Able to stand up under every possible kind of adversity. Whether your adversary is a loony captain in another sub trying to kill you, a monster squid, aliens refilling their zoos, or an irritating bald captain with a sadistic backhand, this seatbelt will always keep you sitting pretty. Contact Neill at 555-DSV2. *** FOR SALE Fresh dinosaur eggs. Dozens of fun uses! You can whip up a prehistoric omlette or give them as gifts to those people who have everything! Save until Halloween and be the first on your block to pelt houses with DINOSAUR eggs! Hatching dinosaurs is a fun and easy educational project kids can do at home! These ideas are only the beginning! You'll want to order dozens of these exciting, versatile items! Call 555-DSV1 and ask for Riley. ******** WANTED Some respect. Arthur McGath, 555-UEO1 ******* FOR SALE Anti-crocodile charms. Keep yourself safe from 200-foot Jurassic crocodiles with these extra-large amulets! Any resemblence to dinosaur eggs is entirely coincidental. Call 555-DSV1. ******* KATIE-MAN! YES folks, it's the long-awaited joint album from those singing seaQuest alums, Katherine "Katie" Hitchock and Manilow "Man-o-love" Crocker! Besides favorites from each performer's individual repetoire (Hitchcock's top hit, "The Song I Sang to Save the Miners" and Crocker's famous debut number "What D'you Do With A Drunken Sailor?"), this album includes never-before-heard duets and original compositions! Call 1-800-DSV-SONG to reserve your copy! *** WANTED Two-pay wanted. Not for the captain. For me. Other daggers have hair, but I do not. Janitor job does not pay too well, so I can't afford much. I have pineapples to trade. *** PERSONALS Hitchcock. Get me outta here. The wiener's ruining my career. Any openings on the H.R. Clinton? Please respond through Gazette. Weiner won't let me send email. I've dumped Henderson. JF *** ****************************************************************************** Deanna Toxopeus * Bridger's Fleet * Syndicate seaQuest!!! Carleton University * says * email: DSV4600@gate.net dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca * !!!FREE NIBOR!!!! * For details ****************************************************************************** Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. A. Lincoln ****************************************************************************** ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com