Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 20:33:39 +0000 (GMT) From: Callie - Subject: [TALES:1478] Fwd: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 2 Sender: owner-tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu To: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu Reply-to: tales@lists.cc.utexas.edu X-Originating-IP: [208.24.56.117] From: rolp@juno.com To: freekc@yahoo.com CC: nullo@hotmail.com, cairns@irvens.freeserve.co.uk, dbneher@gte.net, haughey@ihug.co.nz, no-tag-request@junoaccmail.org Subject: UEO Gazette - Vol. 1, No. 2 Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 13:25:07 -0500 Yes kids, it's the next issue of . . . ~~~~~ | | |~~~ | |---| |=== | | | |___ _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _) _) _) _) _) _) _) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) _)_)_)_) GGGGGGG A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT EEEEEE G A A Z E TT TT E G GGGG A A ZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE G G AAAAAAA ZZ E TT TT E GGGGGGG A A ZZZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE TT TT EEEEEE __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 2 Deanna Toxopeus October 16, 2032 Section A - News Editor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEAqUEST HAZING INCIDENT TO BE INVESTIGATED BY UEO - seaQuestC Indian Ocean- According to official reports, the first incident of hazing aboard a UEO vessel was reported last week. Ensign Lucas Wolenczak was jumped by four unidentified assailants outside of his quarters during the evening hours. The ensign was held down while the assailants took turns giving the ensign a much shorter haircut. Strangely, the ensign's cries for help went unheeded by other crewmembers. After the incident, as the ensign was gathering up his hair, cries of "Hair today, gone tomorrow!" were heard throughout the seaQuest. UEO officials are promising a swift resolution to this incident. **** WALL STREET ATTACKED - A. Marsupial New York, USA - The bulls and the bears were missiled today by a UEO DSV that surfaced off the coast of Rhode Island early yesterday. One Captain Hudson vidphoned his demand that the "evil business people of the world all be tied to a really heavy DeSoto and drowned in the Adriatic." On the lighter side, the mysterious hacker "L.W." replaced regular closed-captionings with the words "I am a Wiener" while Hudson was speaking. No major injuries were reported. **** BRAWL ON THE BRIDGE - Nibor seaQuest DSV, New Florida- Lt. Tim O'Neill was arrested for assault and battery for the alleged attack on Captain Hudson this evening. Apparently, Hudson threw O'Neill out of his seat, again. O'Neill then became enraged at Hudson's action and attacked him. "Man, you should've seen it!!! I mean, you look at O'Neill and think he's the biggest geek alive, but tonight we needed eight guys just to hold him down! Man, he was really pummeling the Captain!" exclaimed Lt. James Brody. All charges were later dropped when it was discovered that O'Neill had been sucking on a Mentos at the time of the incident. While O'Neill was being release from the Brig, he could be seen thrusting a roll of Mentos in the air in triumph and smiling as he said, "Mentos! The Freshmaker!." Hudson is currently in Med-Bay with three broken ribs, a broken nose, and a concussion from the attack. **** DARWIN WINS THE PRIZE- A. Marsupial Helsinki, Finland - Ensign Darwin, attached to seaQuest DSV, has won the Babel Fish Peace Prize. His exciting new work entitled "A Peaceful Fishie is an Eaten One" was exhaulted as the best paper yet in the Crustacean category. "Darwin happy!" piped the excited dolphin. It should be noted that Darwin was the only dolphin running in the category, as the vocoders of the others were sabotaged just before the contest deadline. **** ENSIGN DARWIN FILES SUIT AGAINST CAPTAIN HUDSON - seaQuest C seaQuest DSV, New Florida - Ensign Darwin has filed a civil suit alleging defamation of character against Captain Hudson. In the suit, Ensign Darwin alleges he has been the recipient of several disparaging remarks made by Captain Hudson. Specifically cited in the suit was the comment, "I don't talk to fish" allegedly made by Captain Hudson in reference to the Ensign. When asked about the allegations, Captain Hudson declined to comment. Ensign Darwin was unable to reply to questions put to him by this reporter due to the recent disappearance of his vocorder unit. The vocorder unit allows Ensign Darwin to communicate with his human crewmates, but was missing since Captain Hudson took command of the seaQuest, until its recent discovery. **** SEASIDE HACKER STRIKES AGAIN - A. Marsupial North Atlantic Ocean - "L.W." has programmed all the heads on seaQuest DSV to run in reverse. "Like, eeew," stated Lieutenant Henderson. "Meet you in the laundry room?" pleaded a lovesick Lieutenant J.G. O'Neill. No injuries were reported, however two dozen pairs of pants and one captain's dress white uniform were ruined. **** ORTIZ FAMILY SHOCKED AT UEO INDIFFERENCE - Deanna San Diego Island, United Islands of California - The family of missing seaQuest crew member, Sensor Chief Miguel Ortiz, rallied outside UEOHQ yesterday. They were demanding information about the missing crewmember. A riot broke out after the following statement from Secretary General McGrath was read. "The UEO has no records of a Chief Miguel Ortiz ever serving on the seaQuest." "All we want is his body!" said Ortiz's mother. "Then we can put him in cryo with his Aunt Hyalia." "This is crazy!" Miguel's younger brother, Mundo, said later to reporters. "It's like he never existed!" "His best friend, Tim O'Neill, acts as if he doesn't know who Miguel is," said Ortiz's older sister, Rosalita. "And that Lonnie. She was his girlfriend, and now she's in the arms of another man!" No one at UEOHQ or on seaQuest were available for comment. **** LOCH NESS MONSTER DISCOVERED - A. Marsupial Crystal Cove, Ireland - Scientists were startled Wednesday when they discovered a large underwater fire-breathing worm. "He said, Hi, my name's Ed the Dragon Worm. Can I help you?' I told him to take my colleague out of his mouth," said one sonar technician. The day before, the group found a box of magical herbs and lost seaQuest scripts, but everyone claims not to have touched it. **** ENSIGN WOLENCZAK BEATEN IN BIZARRE ATTACK - Deanna seaQuest DSV, Mid-Atlantic Ocean - Yesterday the world famous computer genius, Lucas Wolenczak was discovered lying dazed in corridor 7, Deck D with a copy of "The Red Badge of Courage" lying on top of him. Apparently Ensign Wolenczak, in what has been described as a strange, but brutal attack, was beaten repeatedly by his assailant using the famous work of literature. "I don't know what happened," the young officer said through his bangs. "I was working on the relay, and suddenly WHAMO, someone was beating me on the back of the head. The whole time he was screaming, 'Yes, sir! How do you like it now that the shoes on the other foot, sir!" It was totally weird." UEO officials are investigating the incident. **** SEAQUEST DAMAGED - A. Marsupial Rhode Island, USA - Late this evening, seaQuest was hammered by howitzer shells which were traced back to the New York area. "Doesn't he have anything better to do than attack business people?" asked an anonymous investor. "We're not all bad people, you know? He's a loon." "I am not a Wiener! Why do you keep asking me that?!" shouted a bewildered Hudson to a throng of laughing reporters at a press conference this evening. **** BURBANK BITES THE BIG ONE - Nibor Burbank Island, Old California- Burbank Island, the only Californian Island not to join the newly formed United Islands of California, sank into the Pacific Ocean when another subduction attack took place early this morning. Burbank Island was the home of the largest peacock farm in the world. When the island sank, lifeless peacock bodies could be seen floating on the water. "Way cool!" exclaimed a furry witness who was carrying a box labeled, "ACME Subduction Device: Anyone Can Have Beachfront Property!" Alexander Bourne is suspected in the attack. **** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 2 Section B - Lifestyles October 16, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEAqUEST CREW SPOTLIGHT New Chief Medical Doctor, Dr. Joe-Bob Bumpkin Today's seaQuest crew spotlight shines on the new chief medical doctor, Dr. Joe-Bob Bumpkin. Dr. Bumpkin came from humble beginning. His first job was working in the seaQuest Galley counting sporks to prevent crew members from stealing sporks and using them to maim the Captain. Through hard work, persistence, and dedication, Dr. Bumpkin achieved success. "The Captain asked if anyone watched 'ER' last night. I thought he meant 'Erotic Rhinos' so I raised my hand. The Captain came over and gave me a white lab coat and made me a doctor!" Dr. Bumpkin dropped out of school in the third grade and can't even read, but with Lieutenant Henderson's help, he attained a medical degree from Harvard Medical School in three quick minutes. "Shoot, how hard could open heart surgery be!?! I've seen 'em do it on TV all the time!" exclaimed Dr. Bumpkin about how easy his job is, "What's really cool is I get to use those cool paddle thingys that shoot electricity! I just love yelling, 'CLEAR!' Man, this job is way cool!" **** >From the Galley - Petty Officer Riley Unfortunately we are going to have to cancel this week's special of Sunshine Rice. I know you were all looking forward to it, but the shipment of O.J. was not delivered, apparently at the orders of the UEO legal department. Snow Cones are still on special! (Please we have to get rid of that ice!) **** Social Circle - Deanna Just to remind all of you seaQuest crew members that the annual Hallowe'en dance is coming up. As it is an alcoholic dance, I.D. is required. The costume theme this year is come as your worst nightmare. Remember creativity is encouraged, so no costumes of Captain Hudson. *** MUST SEE VR-TV!!! - Nibor *** NIBOR LAKE-RIVER-BAY SHOW 1492 2:00 PM, NIBS Daytime talk show. Today's topic: "I'm A Greek God Trapped In A Roman God's Body!!!" Tomorrow's topic: "Albino Alien Makeovers." *** OCEAN: BELOW & NEAR 2357 8:00 PM, FOX GLOBAL Debuting tonight. A new science fiction series following the triumphs and tribulations of a group of fighter sub pilots who battle the evil forces of corporate raiders bent on world domination. *** ELLEN 2026 8:00 PM, ABCDEFG Ellen's bookstore has been destroyed by an earthquake, a mud slide, a riot, a brush fire, a flood, a hurricane, a swarm of locusts, and a sub captain who thought her bookstore was a secret hideout of an evil corporate mogul. Tonight, Ellen's in big trouble again when a subduction device causes Los Angeles to sink into the Pacific Ocean. Will she rebuild her bookstore again? *** MY MOTHER THE CAR 2065 9:00 PM, NBCEE My Mother The Car 2065 will be pre-empted tonight so that NBCEE can bring you the sudden death playoffs of the World Championship Go-Fish Competition. Tonight's competition features: Dagwood (UEO), Nibor (Cult of Wendy), Gharlane (Eddore), and Bjork (Icelandic Empire). Dagwood, representing the UEO, is a heavy favorite to win. My Mother The Car 2065 will continually be pre-empted for the next three months. *** MURDER SHE WROTE 4872 9:00 PM, C-BS Series finale. Jessica Fletcher, famed murder mystery writer, is arrested for the shooting death of a submarine captain. Her only defense was "I THOUGHT HE WAS MR. BURNS!!! THEY'RE BOTH BALD!!! IT'S AN EASY MISTAKE!!!" The police also suspect that Jessica may be the elusive "Cabot Cove Killer," who's responsible for at least 592 murders. "We never invite her to parties because someone's always getting murdered and that's like a downer," commented an anonymous friend of Ms. Fletcher. *** NIBOR & WENDY 1995 9:30 PM, NIBS On a very *special* Nibor & Wendy, J.B. worries about "dying a virgin." Meanwhile Nibor is thrilled to see his ex-girlfriend (Sandra Bullock), but Wendy *isn't*. Guess who'll be sleeping on Gharlane of Eddore's sofa tonight. Also Marcel, the pet monkey, leaves the show and will be replace by FurFace, the furry koala from last week's episode. *** AVENGING ANGELS 3054 BC 10:00 PM, MBC Debuting tonight. The future is evil and foreboding as large corporation take control of the world. There is only one hope: THE AVENGING ANGELS! Two women battle evil corporate moguls each week to save humanity from the clutches of those who would destroy all that is good and wholesome. *** THE ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY REALLY REAL WORLD 1,833,453 AD 10:00 PM, MTEEVEE "This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live on an uninhabited island to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real! The Absolutely Positively Really Real World 1,833,453 AD, 41, Bridger's Island!" This season's cast includes: a chippy, a dagger, a spyer, a psi-borg, a fish-boy, a god with an identity crisis, and an albino alien. *** MTEEVEE UNPLUGGED 1360 10:30 PM, MTEEVEE The popular Not-So-New Age singer, Sarah Tonin, is scheduled to perform her hit songs on tonight's "Unplugged." Tonin is well known for her covers of such artists as: Chloe Phill, Farrah Mone, Nora Pinephrine, and Medulla Oblon-Gata. As a surprise to the audience, Neptune, Roman god of the sea, joins Tonin in a duet of the classic sea shanty "Louie, Louie." Sarah Tonin will also perform her classic "I Speak In Tongues And I Thought My Head Was Going To Start Spinning Around Like That Scene In The Exorcist." *** DEAR DARWIN Dear Darwin, My best friend just died and I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to cry and other times I'm just so angry at him for dying on me. I didn't even get to say good bye or anything! How am I suppose to feel? What am I suppose to do? - Guy With Glasses {Editor: Darwin was unable to personally reply to this letter due to problems with his vocoder, so instead, a special anonymous guest columnist will answer this particular letter} DEAR GUY WITH GLASSES, GET OVER IT!!! HE'S *DEAD*!!! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!! DON'T EVER MENTION HIS NAME OUT LOUD!!! DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE GUY EVER EXISTED!!! AND IF I SEE YOU CRYING ON *MY* BOAT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN BEING THROWN OUT OF CHAIRS!!! **** It's time for seaQuest's own gossip columnist. Fly on the Wall - Episode 2 This week the bridge! "O'Neill, can you tell me where Captain Ohio is?" "He's on C deck, sir. But it's back to Hudson this week, Commander Ford." "Back to Hudson again this week? I wish he would make up his mind. The week before last it was Merrimack. Who knows what it will be next week? "O'Neill, see if you can steer him clear of the Youghiogheny. What a nightmare!" "I saw him looking through the atlas again, sir. I think he is leaning toward the Ni and Po for sometime next month." Tim let out a giggle and looked at Ford. " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yeah, Captain Po to the bridge!" Jonathan put his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh. "I think he's trying to go through every river in the Eastern half of the US. Anyway, I'm going to look for him. Let's see, who should I leave in charge?" Hands went up all around the bridge. "O'Neill, I'll leave you in charge. It's been in the script a few times so it's OK. After all there are no more Hispanics or Asians with speaking parts on the bridge." "I've noticed that sir. The new UEO mandate is phasing out Scotts next." "Oh, really? Someone better tell Montgomery to stay in the engine room." "Who? Excuse me, sir?" "Montgomery Scott. The engineer. Uh oh, wrong ship. Forget it." **** Koala's Corner A Neverending Short Story Continued "Furry-1 this is Delta Control, you are now leaving protected seaspace." "Roger Delta Control, switching to secured channel," replied Commander Marsupial as he pressed a flashing blue button. The communications panel clicked for a few seconds while encryption keys were being transferred by satellite to and from the TRM. The button faded to a solid green, indicating that the commlink was now secure. "Come around to 195, and descend 50 meters. Hug the sea floor, there are mid-level scanners in the area," radioed Admiral Deanna. Alien-looking fish scattered in all directions as the minisub turned and dove for the bottom. Marsupial switched all his navigation lights off, and the TRM slipped silently into the darkness. Only 2 indigo glows from the engines betrayed the minisub's presence. "VR navigation mode engaged, we're going silent for a few minutes. Furry-1 out." A composite plastic canopy shield rose from the nose and enveloped the cockpit, cutting off all visual contact with the outside world. Marsupial typed a few commands into his armside keypad, and a three-dimensional computer-generated mesh was projected in front of him onto the canopy. Passive imaging systems collected raw data from the ocean surroundings and ran it through a Silicon-DEC computer. This resulted in far greater range than can be had by the naked eye. And it was pretty too. Backlit by sunlight filtered through water, the TRM skimmed over the nutrient-rich seabed. Anemones waved gracefully as the minisub cruised by. An eel popped his head out of a crevice, curious at this man-made intrusion. Commander Marsupial noticed a bright fat dot on his screen grow brighter and brighter with each passing second. He adjusted the sensitivity ratios, and adjusted the minisub trim for a low-speed silent pass. "Steady... Don't want to attract their attention this time around," thought Marsupial. Just weeks before he had passed through this same area commanding the battle cruiser Selene. He had carpet-bombed the outer perimeter to get rid of the robodefenses that were for all essential purposes the only threat to the TRM he was piloting now. "Boy, was Bourne pissed... cluster of modules 2 o'clock low. Time to shoot." Outside on the TRM's belly, a small panel shifted back. Imaging sensors whirred and pointed towards the military installation. "Major, we're picking up something on the monitor, grid 5. High frequency, but nothing that indicates a nearby ship or sub to accompany it," spoke a lieutenant sitting in front of a sonar panel. "Might be one of our people on the scooter fixing the sensors out there. I'll run a security check just to be sure." The imaging run took only a few minutes. Marsupial finished his sweep, and stealthily left the area. "Delta Control this is Furry-1, mission completed." "Welcome back Furfa... Ow!" chirped the radio. A slight scuffling could be heard in the background. Another second, and a different voice was heard. "Sorry. Nibor got his hands on the portable while I wasn't looking. Find anything good?" asked Deanna. "Logging the data now, should have something in a couple minutes. I got a high delta Temperature reading back there," answered Marsupial. "Think they went nuclear?" asked Deanna. "Perhaps. They might have went drilling through the crust too. It's printing out the report now, there seems to be a high concentration of biological agen..." started Marsupial. An explosion off starboard side startled him. "What was that!" "Delta Control this is Furry-1, looks like we missed a few fire control pods on our last run. See you in half an hour, or see you in h..." "..eaven," finished Admiral Deanna for him. "I don't care much for fire and brimstone. I'll get Sue and seaQuestC to escort you home if you need it, we're warming up 2 Hammerheads now." "To hell with stealth," thought Commander Marsupial. He shoved the throttle lever under his right hand to full military power, and the TRM surged forward in a burst of bubbles. The pods started firing at the air pockets, which gave Marsupial enough time to plot the fastest course anywhere away from the grenading cannons. The TRM sliced through the water and banked into another turn. Inside, the main hull creaked and groaned in protest. "I could have been a doctor," thought Marsupial as he adjusted the intake nozzles, "or an engineer. Even a lawyer... Nah, this is just too much fun." **** __________________________________________________________________________ Vol. 1, No. 2 Section C - Classifieds October 16, 2032 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHEZ UEO Are your clothes drab and boring? Is that regulation uniform just not you? Well here at Chez UEO we have the answers. We can take any drab uniform and turn it into a fashion statement. Here are some comments from our satisfied customers. "My uniforms used to be so boring, so I tried to make them nicer myself, but they ended up sleazy. Now, thanks to Chez UEO, I can look feminine, without looking cheep!" Another customer says of our work. "Before I enlisted, my style was grunge. When I joined up, I was worried that I would loose my style, but Chez UEO showed me how to look grimy and disheveled, without breaking regs." At Chez UEO we let the real you shine through the uniform. Call Chez UEO for your appointment today! **** JOB WANTED Dragon Worm seeks job. Great at BBQs. Can breath in both air and underwater. Great at making tunnels. Slightly charred on the outside. 100 WPM, Lotus, Microsoft Word, shorthand, and great at answering phones. 576-WORM. Ed the Dragon Worm. **** FOR SALE Vintage 90's Grunge Flannel! Variety of colors! Great for Halloween or for that retro look. Need to make room for my new uniforms. 555-DSV1. *Ensign Wolenczak* **** LOOKING FOR A HOME Cute, huggable, love kids, look like I'm from a Snuggle's commercial. Have to move, owner lost her innocence and naivete. Captain threaten to kick the stuffings out of me. 555-DSV1. Addison. **** LOST Snoopy boxer shorts. "Sunday" label sown in. Call before Sunday, PLEASE! 555-DSV1. Tim. **** LOST Pair of sleeves. If found please return to Ensign Henderson, Section K **** HEY GUYS! Do you have women problems? Do you spend Saturdays at home sorting your underwear, or eating pineapples? Then call me for advice. I can show you ways to make a woman putty in your hands. After completing my correspondence course you'll have the women lining up at the altar. Don't spend another night alone. Call 555-LOVE and ask for Olover. *** HOMEBREW UNDERSEA! Yousa learn how to make booze. I am a real expert at it. If captain complains, yousa give him soma this stuff, and yousa get promoted soon! Call 555-2032, aska for Tony. *** WANTED: REPLACEMENT CHIP Help! My psycho-chip runs out in 2 weeks. Need replacement before I lapse into unconciousness and throw captain into torpedo tubes. Call 555-2032. J.J. ******* (Advertising Supplement) He was booted off his ship in the first movie. The captain was killed in the second. Now, they must find their old friend before their ship is destroyed. seaQuest ]I[ The Search for Bridger Now playing on the internet in #seaquest. Rated PGSBNR-11-13-19 *** Inventions Wanted! Are you an inventor? Do you have a new idea? Call now! 555-2032 for your free brochure. Ask for O'Neill. People with initials of "L.H." get free dinner. *** I WANT TO BE YOUR GUINEA PIG Captain wants to be medical laboratory test subject. Willing to do anything as long as it requires a stay of more than a year. Psychological disorders are my specialty. I will even pay you to let you experiment on me! Call now, 555-2032. Ask for Ford. *** NEED A DATE SWM 28, looks 19, brown/blond hair, blue eyes. Smart and have steady income. Most of the girls I meet try to kill me. Bars are too seedy and I'd get bounced out if I didn't fake my own ID. Doesn't anyone love me? I want to find that special someone. 555-2032 ask for "Lucas" *** HELP ME I am telepathically influencing the editor. I am a doctor abandoned on an alien planet. I used to be on seaQuest DSV, but the aliens decided watching me was better than Murder She Wrote and forced me into a three year TV contract. Please send rocket ship for me. Thank you. Dr. Wendy Smith, MD PhD Psionics. Seeing as we have no light-speed capable spaceships, I estimate the best rescue ETA to be a couple centuries, plus or minus a decade or two. My sincere condolence stowndy smiths famly. Please excuse my typing, I was laughing uncontrollably. ****** That's it this week. For back issues, or to send comments contact the person in the sig. ****************************************************************************** Deanna Toxopeus * A proud member of * Syndicate seaQuest!!! Carleton University * Bridger's Fleet * email: DSV@gate.net dtoxopeu@ccs.carleton.ca * (Paramedic) * For details ****************************************************************************** History advances in disguise: it appears on stage wearing the mask of the ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com