Alternate-recipient: prohibited Resent-date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 12:13:52 -0500 (CDT) Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 12:54:35 -0400 (EDT) Resent-from: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org From: "Vincenti, Michelle" Subject: (sQ-ff) "Confessions of a Grieving Heart" Resent-sender: seaQuest-ff-request@escapenet.org To: seaQuest fanfic list Reply-to: seaQuest-ff@escapenet.org Posting-date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 13:07:00 -0400 (EDT) Importance: normal Priority: normal Sensitivity: Company-Confidential UA-content-id: B79ZXBCIRIPJ A1-type: MAIL X-Mailing-List: archive/latest/184 X-Loop: seaQuest-ff@stgenesis.org Okay, this is just a short thing I wrote over the summer. It has nothing to do with the longer story I'm sending out later. It's from Julianna's point of view (come to think of it, I wrote quite a few of those this summer...) I know that DSV never actually said that Lucas & Julianna broke up, or even that they were really going out, but I've always seen it as they'd been dating & sometime between _seaQuest_ I & _seaQuest_ II, they broke up. This is kinda my version of what Julianna might've been feeling after their breakup. It's a journal entry kind of thing... All the standard disclaimers apply...you know the drill, I'm sure Feedback is 100% accepted...flames, well, I need scrap paper for a few things... *************************** "Confessions of a Grieving Heart" by Michelle Vincenti I swear, I must be some sort of masochist. At this very moment, I'm replaying the same song over and over again, and torturing myself with the memories they bring back. And the memories _do_ flood back. All those memories I've ever shared with Lucas. This is the one song that _always_ made me think of him. The power behind her voice, as well as the words themselves always made me think of Lucas. Celine Dion, one of the most powerful singers of the 1990s (in my opinion). Who'd have thought that the one song that could touch me so deeply could be from a movie soundtrack? Sigh. "Because You Loved Me" -- the "anthem" of Lucas' and my love. For the entire time we went out, I would play that song over and over again, and think of him. Damn. I had to rewind that tape again, didn't I? I _must_ be a masochist. I'm slipping into old habits again. I'm repressing not only my feelings, but any cravings I may have. I can't bring myself to eat. I'm fully conscious of this, but I can't do anything about it. I'm gradually eating less and less, but no one seems to notice. There'll be times where I'll lock myself in my room and just have a few crackers, but then my guilt kicks in and I can't believe that I'd actually been weak and given in. This illness is my weakness. I can't fight it. Something won't let me. My strength left when Lucas walked out that door. My will to fight this disease went with him. I struggle to regain whatever strength I had, but it's so hard. I can't bring it back. The words to the song are so true. "You were my strength when I was weak...You gave me faith 'cause you believed." Lucas was my strength. With him, I felt as if I could accomplish anything -- even fight off the disease that battles for control inside me. I've done it again. I've rewound the tape. I'm letting all of those memories flood back into my mind. I haven't been able to grieve for my lost love since we broke up, and now is no different. The tears won't come in the full force that I need them to. Yeah, a few tears will come here and there, but I know that only an all-out cry lasting several hours will help. I used to be able to do that not only a year and a half ago -- before he and I were together. I used to be able to just sit there, in the darkness of my room and let myself go. Now, things have changed. At least then I had privacy. Now, I can't go one hour without someone sticking their head in my door and bothering me. I need at least that long to get it out of my system, but I can't get that around here. I won't be able to get it anywhere I go. I'm trapped in a hell of my own creation, with no chance for escape. Who'd have thought it? Julianna, the girl who looks like she has all the strength in the world, who acts like nothing could ever faze her. How could I have been so wrong about myself? I thought that nothing would ever get to me. I've dated other guys before. Why should my breakup with Lucas have affected me any differently? Dammit, girl, I'll tell you why -- you let yourself fall in love too quickly. You fell too hard, too fast. And until you can let go, you'll never have the chance to go on. Why can't I move on? Why do I hang on to the memory of our love when all it does is hurt me? I can't let go. He means too much to me. "My world is a better place because of you." That's exactly what Lucas did for me. But when he left, my world came crashing down all around me. My defenses are weakened, I cannot control the pain I feel. I need to regain control over my life, starting with one thing at a time. Nothing is helping, though. My old habits are returning...the habits that began not long before the first boyfriend I had. I should know better than this. It does nothing but hurt me, yet it seems to be my only comfort. The only control I have over anything in my life. There are times when I look like a mere skeleton, and there are other times when I can hardly believe that I once had a figure that people were envious of. It's all in my head, but I can't make it go away. The voices are much too strong. Lucas had made those voices go away. All I heard in my head for the longest time was his voice, telling me that I was beautiful. And for a while, I actually believed him. Now, it's so hard to believe. If it's true, then why can't I find someone else to love me the way he did? He managed to find someone else to care about, why can't I? Why can't I find the same type of thing that I had with Lucas? Am I trying too hard? I can't bring myself to go to sleep, for fear of the memories returning in the dark of night. I remember that one night we were together. He held me in his arms for a while and I remember feeling safe, like nothing could ever harm me. Nothing happened beyond him holding me, but it was the sweetest gesture that anyone could have ever made. Turning out the lights reminds me of it. Holding my teddy bear reminds me of his arms around me. My writing's probably all scattered and nothing makes sense, but that's the way things are in my mind right now. I feel so alone, like there's no one I can turn to. It's not like I can call anyone. Hell, it's midnight. I don't think that anyone would appreciate a phone call right about now -- especially since some people have to work tomorrow. I have to work myself, but if I try to go to sleep, there he'll be. In my dreams. Not a night goes by when he doesn't show up in my dreams at least once, whether it be as the main focus of my dream, or merely as a passing shadow. Nothing is helping my broken heart to heal. No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to help. Inspiration. Sigh. That's what Lucas has always been for me. Everything I've ever written about love seems to reflect how I feel about him. I haven't seen him in nearly a month. We talked just the other day, but it was one of the most awkward conversations I've had in a while. The long silences, the hesitation, you name it, it was there. He never mentions his girlfriend, though. Makes me kinda wonder how much he really does care about her. If he really does feel that it was worth it to try to erase my memory from his mind by going out with her. I don't know if that's what he's doing, exactly, but that's what it feels like to me at least. I feel so cold - and not because of the air conditioning. All the warmth I once felt seems to have left my body. I don't know why. I can't find the reason. I feel so lost and can't find my way back home. Home. I don't know where it is anymore. I thought I'd found it once, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, yeah, there is always the physical house where I live, but it's as the saying goes, a house doesn't make a home. I need to find my way out of the darkness. I need a light to lead me out of these tunnels. I've buried myself so deep that I don't know if I'll ever find my way out. I know I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I had someone to turn to once, but that's gone. Everything I've ever cherished in my life seems to have disappeared all at once. A room once filled with happiness and joy is now empty and devoid. I can't take this anymore. I'll take my chances with the dark tonight. I'll face the dreams that haunt me wherever I go. Even though facing them hasn't helped yet, I'm hoping that someday, they will. For now, I'm off to face the same torture I endure every night. Come, O lord of darkness...envelop me in the void and bring forth the torture of the night. copyright 1997 by Michelle Vincenti ---------------------------------------- seaQuest-ff-request@stgenesis.org Subject: unsubscribe