All Things Considered by Allison McDonnell

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The following morning, almost the entire town gathered within the gates of the New Pacifica Cemetery to say goodbye to one of its youngest residents; a seven-year old girl who was both the casualty of a cruel disease and the innocent victim of her parent's unwillingness to save her because they disapproved of the cure.

Devon was there, of course, and she spoke eloquently about Sarah's much-too-short life. Having spent dozens of hours with the child in both the Syndrome ward on the Stations and in the unit on G889, Devon was able to relay many stories, some of them amusing, some of them heartbreaking, about a little girl who had loved to play with dolls and had dreamed of one day becoming a celebrated botanist just like her mother. Devon's eulogy focused solely upon Sarah and she managed to refrain from assigning blame or to bring up any 'hot button' issues such as the Terrians. She did, however, express her heartfelt hope that this would be the last funeral for a Syndrome child which ever took place on the planet. But everyone, including Devon, knew that this would be a scene that would be repeated many more times over the next year or so as the other children, whose families refused to get them the help that they so desperately needed, were allowed to gradually succumb to their illness.

After the service, Devon spent the entire morning speaking with New Pacifica's citizens and consoling those who had been the most profoundly touched by the latest death. Although she had seen Danziger there lingering among the crowd, she didn't take any opportunities to seek him out. Later, after realizing that he had left without her ever having spoken with him, Devon inwardly rationalized that it was probably for the best.

By that afternoon, it was back to business as usual. And for Devon, that meant attending meeting after meeting with various colonists, some of whom were grateful and appreciative of their new homestead, and others notsomuch. One long, arduous day led into another, then another and still another one after that and, before Devon knew it, two full weeks had passed.

As always, she tried to set aside as much time as she could to spend with Uly and True, but she saw very little of John. However, she had been informed by some of the other Edenites that, because of her lukewarm response to Danziger's request for employment, he'd decided to bypass her entirely. The day after Sarah Van Horten's funeral, Magus had shown up for work in the Auto Depot which housed the town's disabled vehicles, only to find John wedged under the carriage of a Dunerail, overhauling the engine and retrofitting it with a new solar fuse. And, thanks to John's efforts, it wasn't too long before every vehicle which had been gathering dust in the garage was enjoying a second chance at life.

As soon as the word was out that Danziger had ignored Devon's advice to stay at home in favor of returning to work, he was deluged with offers from several departments seeking both his expertise and his physical strength. Almost immediately, he was cutting down and hauling trees from a nearby forest for the new university building that would solely concentrate on college educations for the older students and would also offer training programs for any interested adults. At the same time, John was also helping Mazatl improve upon the irrigation techniques used for New Pacifica's corn and wheat fields as well as assisting him in mapping out the water routes for future projects such as the apple orchard which was only days away from being planted. In the spare moments that he wasn't able to spend with the children, he concentrated on repairing equipment that had either been damaged during the cargo pods' wild freefall to G889 or had been broken due to mishandling by careless colonists. Devon decided not to interfere with Danziger's choice to keep himself busy, especially since he seemed content with taking directions from others as opposed to actively pursuing a leadership position. This was a great relief to her.

John was one of many subjects currently on Devon's mind when she decided to call it yet another day at the office and head for home. She stuffed her briefcase full of papers before exiting her office and locking it securely behind her. Because everyone else had left several hours earlier, Devon also ended up locking the main doors to the building. This wasn't an unusual practice for her. She was almost always the first person to arrive in the morning and the last one to leave at night.

As Devon's ATV neared her house, she was pleased to observe that the dwelling was completely dark, save for the dim glow of the lumacones strategically lining the edge of the front porch. She switched off the vehicle's headlights and slowed her speed to a crawl so as not to disturb Danziger and the children. Once parked, she practically tiptoed up the walkway and ever-so-gently opened the front door. But instead of going inside, she remained in the threshold and listened to see if anyone had heard her arrival. When the response to her question was a resounding silence, she realized that she had been given a golden opportunity to slip away for a little while without worry of detection. She gingerly set her briefcase just inside the entrance and then reshut the door behind her.

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Danziger may have been tired, but a peaceful rest eluded him. He spent night after night laying in bed, his brain refusing to allow him to sleep. It had been this way for weeks now, ever since he'd moved into his new home. The same home that he shared with Devon. Although she was constantly on his mind, during the day John could at least partially concentrate on other things like work and taking care of their children. But at night, alone in the darkness, his thoughts were consumed by her. It wasn't as though he saw her all that often, despite the fact that her bedroom was located directly across the hall from his. The woman seemed to go out of her way to avoid him. And whenever they did spend time together, it was usually either in a group or with the kids in attendance, and, even then, Devon barely acknowledged him beyond an occasional look or a polite smile in his direction.

He almost wished that she was mad at him. Anger was an emotion that John could deal with and at least that would be a starting point to resolve whatever problems were keeping them from communicating. But whenever he'd look at Devon, there was almost always a distant look in her eyes. It reminded him of the way she'd acted when he'd first been introduced to her just after being hired for the Eden Project. She'd been pleasant, but aloof. Standing directly in front of him, but a million miles away. Unreachable. Untouchable.

His latest bout of Devon-induced insomnia was unexpectedly interrupted by the sound of the front door slowly creaking open. Because he hadn't heard the approach of a vehicle, he quickly dismissed the possibility that it could be Devon. And, although Yale had free reign to come and go from their house as he pleased, the former tutor would never have stopped by so late without calling in advance. He also knew that True and Uly weren't the source of the commotion because he hadn't heard either of them leave their rooms since he'd personally tucked them into bed several hours earlier. Fearful that there was an intruder within their midst, Danziger's senses went on immediate alert. He held his breath and waited, his eyes centered on the one inch gap between the base of the door and the floor, searching for shadows and listening intently for any noise that would clue him in as to what he was dealing with.

After a few seconds of agonizing stillness, Danziger heard the front door close, yet he didn't detect the sound of footsteps or any other signs that would indicate to him that someone had entered the house. As quietly as possible, he slipped out of bed and crept over to the window which faced the road. Danziger's concern transformed into surprise as he was just in time to catch the silhouette of Devon stealthily heading across the street toward the path leading to the beach. Without a moment to waste, John threw on a pair of pants and a heavier shirt and didn't take the time to lace up his boots before hurrying after Devon in hot pursuit.

As he shut the door behind him, he inwardly debated whether or not he should be following her. However, besides possessing a healthy curiosity about finding out exactly where she was going and why, Danziger was worried about her. With all of her firsthand knowledge of the dangers of G889, the woman should know better than to be out wandering around alone in the middle of the night, Danziger groused to himself. He also recognized that this could be the perfect time for him to finally sit Devon down and force her to talk to him. And he wanted Devon to listen to what he had to say as well because there were several matters which needed to be brought out into the open. Feelings which John had kept buried inside of him for far too long already.

The trail was nearly pitch black and Danziger hadn't thought to bring along a lumalight, so he had to rely upon his memory of the path's twists and turns along with the occasional beams of light filtering in through the trees from the two moons hovering above. When he reached the forest's edge, he abruptly halted when he realized that Devon was only a few yards ahead of him. She was already seated in the sand with her legs tightly drawn up to her chest and her chin resting on her knees, looking as beautiful as ever as she stared out at the ocean. Because she was facing the opposite direction and the sound of the rolling surf had drowned out his rather noisy arrival, John decided to call out to her to make her aware of his presence. But before he could say anything, Devon began to speak, though it quickly became apparent that she wasn't addressing him. Danziger squinted in the darkness and briefly scanned the area searching for another person before he finally noticed the gearset entwined in her hair. He shook his head in disapproval and cynically wondered if she'd had the equipment permanently fused to her head since she always seemed to be wearing it.

John remained in the shadows of the trees, silently studying her and straining to hear her words over the sounds of the wind and the crashing waves. He knew that it was wrong of him to be invading her privacy by eavesdropping, yet he was unable to stop himself, especially after hearing the uncharacteristically emotional tone which she was employing.

"I miss you," he heard Devon express with tenderness. She outstretched her hand and held it in the air for several moments and it was only then that Danziger realized that Devon wasn't just speaking to an unseen caller on gear. She was meeting someone in VR.

He edged a bit closer to her as she continued, "I hate having to sneak around like this. I know that it's not possible for us to be together. There are much bigger issues at stake. I just wish that we could see each other more often. And I wish..." Her voice faded away and Danziger couldn't tell if she'd decided not to complete the thought or if the rest of the sentence had simply been carried away by the breeze. Either way, he had already heard enough to be thoroughly shocked.

Devon's gaze dropped to the ground. "So much has changed, hasn't it? I know that it doesn't do us any good to second-guess the choices that we've made for ourselves. The situation is what it is and there's nothing either of us can do about it now."

She sat there quietly, presumably to listen as her VR partner responded. Meanwhile, Danziger was riveted in place, too upset to move or to speak.

Devon lifted her head and let out a sad sigh. "Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I've spent most of my life as one of those people who insisted on seeing a glass as being half-full instead of half-empty. If there was a problem, I could solve it. And no matter how dark things got, I always knew that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I couldn't see it yet, I had faith that it was there and that I would somehow reach it."

She exhaled another disheartened breath. "It's all so different now. I can't find the light anymore. Maybe there never was one to begin with. Or maybe it's here somewhere and I just refuse to see it. Maybe I've become blind to it at this point."

Her voice started to quiver as she unsuccessfully tried to swallow her sobs. "What am I going to do? I- I don't trust my instincts anymore. According to the Terrians, I'm supposed to be the one who keeps us all from killing each other. But how do I go about doing that? What if I make a wrong decision? What if I already made it weeks or months ago and doomed us all? Everyone is depending on me and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I feel so completely lost."

Listening to Devon's anguished cries was more than Danziger could take. Momentarily forgetting where he was and the fact that she was in the midst of poring her heart out to someone else, he stepped out of his hiding place with the intention of consoling her. However, John received a crushing blow when Devon, having no idea that he was practically standing right behind her, inadvertently let him know exactly where the two of them stood with each other.

"You know that you're the only person who I feel comfortable saying these things to, don't you?" she said earnestly as she wiped her tearstained face with the back of her hand. "I don't know what I'd do without you. When we're together, I feel safe and confident and-" She paused again and slowly extended her arm out in front of her. "You make me feel alive."

John had heard more than enough. Despite him feeling as though he'd just been sucker-punched in the gut, he was as careful as possible not to disturb Devon as he backed away. Once he was shrouded within the blackness of the trees, he was able to let his emotions take over as he tried to process what he'd just witnessed.

It was all starting to make sense to him now. Devon had shut him out of her life because she had replaced.him with another man, one whose company she preferred over his. If Danziger hadn't been so devastated by the revelation, he would have felt like a fool.

How could you not have seen this coming, he berated himself. Her stiff behavior toward you. Avoiding you at every turn. She was hardly ever at home and it probably had little to do with her long work hours. The truth of the matter was that she knew you'd be there waiting for her and you made her feel uncomfortable. She might have agreed to share her house with you, but she'd never said anything about sharing her heart.

Danziger continued to mentally kick himself as he staggered up the trail toward the house. Maybe it was true that Devon had cared about him at one time. After a very rocky start and between all of their arguments and their struggle for survival in a strange new world, they'd gradually been able to develop a close relationship with one another both as co-leaders of Eden Advance and as friends. And as much as Danziger had tried to deny it to himself and to everyone around him, his feelings for her had deepened. Furthermore, there had been hints that Devon might have felt the same way about him. In the East coast spider-caves, John had overheard part of a conversation in which Devon had revealed as much to Alonzo. When she had later become ill and had asked him to take over the responsibility of raising Uly along with completing her life's work by building an outpost in New Pacifica, in John's mind, Devon was confirming that she'd trusted him. And, although she hadn't spoken the words, John had hoped that she'd loved him, too. Just as he had loved her.

But that was a long time ago and, clearly, a lot had changed. Obviously, the man who Devon was currently engaged in a secret VR rendezvous with must have been a passenger on the colony ship, Danziger deduced. Most likely, he was the father of a Syndrome child, someone who she'd known for years. John further concluded that the pair probably had been involved in a relationship long before they'd departed for G889.

For the first time, he realized how little he actually knew about Devon's life before The Eden Project. Although they'd shared many late-night talks, there were always lines drawn in the sand that neither of them ever dared to cross, so their discussions were usually limited to general topics such as work and anecdotes about their children. As such, Danziger was told next to nothing about Uly's father nor did he ever offer to discuss any of the more sensitive subjects from his own past such as Elle.

John began to examine the events of the past three years with a brand new pair of eyes. Perhaps Devon had indeed been attracted to him or, at least, had begun to care for him on some level. But now he understood that there was never any chance that those feelings would have evolved into anything more than a short-term love affair. In the end, Danziger would have only been a diversion for her until the real love in her life had arrived on the Jamestown. Hell, Devon certainly didn't think twice about picking up right where she'd left off with Shepard when they were unexpectedly reunited, John grumbled to himself. How is this latest situation any different?

John felt as though both of his feet were anchored with fifty pound weights as he reentered his home and trudged up the stairwell back to his bedroom. He collapsed into bed fully clothed, too mentally exhausted to even bother with the removal of his shoes. He stared up at the ceiling, his mind plagued by feelings of sadness, remorse and an overpowering sense of loss for a woman whose love he'd never really had in the first place. At that moment, the only thing in his life that he could count on was the knowledge that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night.

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